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My FI doesnt know yet but I got him having cyber sex with someone online. He had gone to the bathroom and accidently left the chat up. I know it isnt really "cheating" but its just wrong. What should I do?
To me that is cheating!
I would comfort him and let him know how you feel about it and you have to decide how this affects your relationship!
Oh my. That's definitely crossing the line. Confront him. This matter isn't to be taken lightly.
I didn't know cybersex was something people still did. It seems so 90's.
I would definitely confront him if it bothers you.
To me it is totally cheating, I think you need to confront him right away and find out what is going on. Maybe it isn't something you guys have talked about in the past, but I think it's totally inappropriate for someone in a relationship. I have dealt with it in the past and have a zero tolerance for it now.
I agree...open and honest communication about a problem like this is important, and immediate. If nothing else, it's important that he knows your feelings about what happened, plus letting him know you found out. I agree that you figure out how to incorportate this into your relationship.
Um... not actual cheating, but cheating! Confront him now! Don't give him time to make up a story.
He was doing this while you were around, in the house? That seems pretty weird.
I would have a conversation with him about this; only you two can decide if this issue is fixable or not. Good luck
that is effing cheating. Good luck. He can't get out of this. it's point blank and he'll do it again..
I personally don't consider it cheating, he didn't exchange any bodily fluids.... I do, however, find it a little uncomfortable, and I can understand why you're upset.
I'd be honest with him, tell him you saw what he's doing and ask him about it. Is it the same person every time? How often does he do it?
If he isn't cheating on you, and you have a good relationship, you can ask him to keep it on the DL because it makes you uncomfortable. The only time I'd take real issue with it is if you are having problems with your sex life and he's "taking care of him self" too often.
Ok so i confronted him on it and he said "its no big deal. Ive been doing it for years. its like a game. Youre the one I go to bed with at night so calm down" :( I am so confused
Wow that would piss me off something fierce. I am sorry :(
I would tell him that it bothers you that you consider it a form of cheating! His response is deflecting the issue and if you have an problem with it than he needs to be considerate and talk to you about it.
whoa! that might not be physical cheating but psychological and emotional cheating is just as bad. Would he be ok with you doing this?!
My standard for any sort of cheating is to ask yourself "can I do this in front of my significant other? if the answer is no then guess what? not ok!
Was it actually a game, or a chat window like AIM?
There are actual MMORPGs that do involve cybersex with avatars. Some of them are the focus of the game world (like Redlight District) and others it can just be a side act with other plotlines and things to do (like Neverwinter Nights, Mortal Online and Evercrack).
For me, there is a slight difference between role playing cyber sex as a character, and having cyber sex as yourself in a chat window. FI and I are both gamers, and have both casually walked around in some gaming worlds with sex going on. I've even played in a courtesan's guild in MO. But we are always up front with each other about it, and we know the difference between a game and real life.
If he's hiding it, then something might be up. Is it an activity he would be open to having you participate in with him? If not you need to find out if this is something he expects to be entitled to, and if you can deal with his hobby.
I have married friends that have had issues with their husbands from being obnoxious when they drink to buying porn too much. They have both gone to counseling for it and the best solution was for them to stop doing those things that divided them or caused fights, insecurity in the relationship, untrustworthiness etc. This can defiantly be something that divides you two. It is something that he will have to stop completely if it bothers you. If I were in your shoes it would bother me a lot and I would consider it unacceptable. Its about having respect for you as his future wife also.
I consider that cheating, but his response needs addressing. You're his fiance and should think of your feelings. He might not considered it a problem, but he should be sypathetic to your feelings. good luck!
oh my that is cheating emotionally and psychologically! i would talk to him about it for sure... if he wouldn't do it in front of you, he shoudn't do it at all.
That is NOT okay!! Does he think he just just tack on that little tagline after anything? "Yeah I went on a date with her and we messed around. Calm down! You're the one I come home to!" Would you be okay with that?! This is unnaceptable.
The fact that he is just dismissing your concerns like that is extremely disrespectful and should not be tolerated in a relationship. It doesn't matter if he will never see these girls face-to-face in his life. He is telling other women that he wants to have sex with them ("cybering" in a nutshell). This is not a behavior that you should let slide by.
I think a big problem here is his response when you confronted him. That just sounds disrespectful to you, telling you to forget it. You really need to sit down and talk this through with him, and to tell him how he makes you feel. I would really hate for FI to have cybersex with some stranger!
I saw a news story on cyber cheating once. They made valid points about what is cheating or not. In this case, since he is involved emotionally and psychologically, I believe it qualifies. This is something that the counselors would say is not healthy for your relationship. If he thinks it's been okay all this time, I would be concerned. Don't let him tell you that it's ok. I think the best thing to do would be to reach out to a counselor so you can determine what you need to do.
Good luck and I hope things work out for the better!
I wouldn't count this as 'cheating' BUT it is grounds for cheating and for that I'd be worried. Do you know if it was someone he knows in person? Either way I know that it doesn't take much to go from the online world to the real world, it happens all the time. I know quite a few people who have done it and they are now divorced. It crosses over a trust barrier, even if it isn't cheating. If you tell him you'd like it if he stopped because it makes you uncomfortable and he continues to do it then it is an issue not only of the possibility of cheating but on your trust and his compassion towards you.
Ouch! Sorry you're going through this 
I definitely consider it as cheating! You need to confront him with it and see where it goes and deal with it from there.
I consider it disrespectful, disgusting, and cheating! I would make sure your Fiance knows that while he doesn't consider it "a big deal" and "has been doing it for years", you DO consider it an issue.
Totally cheating!! Get out while you can!!
I agree and do feel that it is a form of cheating....I think that you should let him know how it makes you feel....I consider it cheating because I would also consider it cheating if he were talking sexually with another women over the phone (phone sex) which to me is no different than doing it online. I feel that he has crossed a line and he only sees it as a joke I would be worried. I am not sure what you should do in this situation...if he doesn't want to stop I would seriously be concerned.
what is worse is that there is the possibility that he would know this person....I just feel like it's a bad situation!
This is tough. I mean he'e engaging in a sexual behavior of sorts with another woman. Did they exchange pictures, names, locations, etc? Is this something that will escalate? Maybe you can suggest an alternative to him? Like role playing, if you have 2 computers you could try doing it with each other, maybe it's just imagining what the other person is doing that he likes about it? Try to find out why he's doing it and if there is something the two of you can do together to fill this 'need' of his.
It's cheating. If the bf did it I would be livid and hurt. I dont know if I would forgive him or what it would take to get me to.
I would have a big problem with this.
1, it's taking up his time that he could be spending doing other things with me, or things around the house, etc. And if he's been doing this for years...how much time is that? Does he plan to continue doing this for years? Can you commit to coping with him continuing to do this for years?
2, who is he doing this with? Even if he does not know the person in "real life," is it the same person online each time? If so, they have an ongoing online relationship. That seems...well, awful is the only word I can think of. It makes me kind of sick thinking about it.
3, His response was really dismissive. "I've been doing this for years, just relax"????? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he felt put on the spot and reacted defensively...but I agree with others that you need to talk to him, and eitther go to counseling together or on your own.
My overarching thought is this: Is this something you can live with forever?
I'd be livid. Especially if he thought it was OK and I didn't. If he'd been doing it for years and literally saw no problem with it, I'm not sure I could be in a relationship where we had different opinions of what is ok in a relationship.
It sounds like you have a problem with it so there is a problem with it whether people want to define it as cheating or not. If I were you I'd take a bit of time when he's not around and think exactly why this hurt you. Is it the emotional connection, that you feel sexual connections (whether actual sex is involved or not) should be monogamous, is it that he was deceiving you since you just found out.
It's a problem that yelling isn't going to fix but he has to get passed the point of being dismissive and start listening to your concerns so I'm not sure what works best for you guys when you have somethng serious to talk about. For me, I offer a peace offering, like make dinner or bring home ice cream something to show it's a problem I'm willing to work on but he has to meet me half way by willing to talk aobut it.
OH yeah, that's definitely cheating in my book. I caught my husband watching porn one time & it upset me pretty bad. I know that's something a lot of men do...but with the way I was raised, it was just hard for me to get over & he knows that it upsets me...and hopefully he doesn't do it anymore! If i EVER found out that my husband was having a cyber chat with someone, I don't know what I'd do.
I'd definitely confront him though, so he knows that you know & hopefully he won't do it anymore if he loves and respects you.
Wow, I would be livid. I absolutely consider this cheating, and I can't believe he's been doing it for years and never told you! You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him ASAP because if you're not comfortable with this, he shouldn't be doing it.
Oh wow, I just read where you said that he told you he's been doing it for years! "It's like a game?!?!?!" That is crazy!!!! That's a problem HE needs to learn to control...this is totally like cheating!!! Obviously, since he's doing it...he needs to find satisfaction elsewhere & it's completely hurtful and WRONG to you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If it were a serious issue and it really bothered you that much...I would tell him you need to stop or either there's going to be some thinking about us getting married. Then, he'll know how serious you are.
Oh my goodness. You poor thing. I would be heartbroken because I would consider that cheating. The fact that he doesn't care about how it hurts you makes the situation even worse. This situation needs to be addressed, asap.
Wow I am sorry that this is going on in your life. I forsurely would NOT be ok with this. I consider it cheating and completely disrespectful to you as his SO. I would definately be very angry and upset if I caught my SO doing this and I would think long and hard about how much I truly loved him before I made a decision about whether I wanted to stay or go. I don't think I could stand his dismissive behavior towards the subject as if since he has done it for years that makes it ok some how.
You need to think about what you find important and where you stand on how much this bothers you. You also need to talk to him and make it very clear that this makes you uncomfortable. I would hope that he would recipricate by listening to your feelings and trying to compromise with you.
I don't think it's cheating, but I guess it depends. Does he know the person he's cybering with in real life, or are they just an on-line friend? Does he cyber with multiple on-line people, or just one specific person?
I'll be honest, I used to cyber. A lot. It was fun. For me, it was like reading a graphic romance novel, but I got to help develop the plot and be part of the story. It was a much more intense form of porn-reading than just reading a book. I'd get all hot and bothered and then look to my real-life for some real action.
BUT when I started seriously dating my now-husband, I stopped doing it, because on some level, it did feel wrong to me. But part of that was because the people I was cybering with were people I had been close on-line friends with for years. I think it would feel different if it was some on-line stranger. Then there's less emotion involved and it's more like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure porn story. If that makes sense.
I would talk to your boy again and see if you can figure out exactly what he's doing. Let him know how uncomfortable it makes you and see if you can find a solution. If he's cybering with people he knows in real life, that's dangerous and one of them may want to take it off-line eventually. If he's cybering with specific on-line people that he's friends with, that's dangerous because of the emotional connection he might have with them. If he's cybering as more of a means to get turned on, or get busy with himself, instead of something like watching porn, then that's a different category too, and perhaps not as bad (at least in my opinion - everyone has their own opinions on porn and things like it).
Good luck to you!
C H E A T I N G and u definitely need to confront him! be strong and don't back down, he's in the wrong, NOT YOU!
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