Post # 1
Saturday night FI and I went out to celebrate V day. We went to a nightclub and got bottle service. Everything was going great until closing time, at which point the music abruptly stopped and the lights were turned on. FI needed to go to the restroom so I walked with him and waited outside the restroom, when this drunk guy aggressively groped me in front of everyone. I immediately started yelling at him and I remember hitting him, but next thing I know the bouncers were holding me back. The manager pretty much kicked FI and I out and all I could hear her say was that the guy was a paying customer. (Cause really, we didn’t just spend a bunch of money at your club.)
I am just so frustrated that no one around me did anything about it, and when I tried to defend myself they stopped me and let this guy go. Just a couple of weeks ago FI and I were robbed around my house by a guy holding a gun. I just feel so vulnerable right now. I moved to Ohio about half a year ago for a job and I am far from friends and family. FI lives three hrs away from me and he keeps the car, which means I have to take public transportation and I just don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t want to leave the house and this is seriously starting to impact my work performance.
I guess I’m not really looking for any advice but I just want to get this out of my chest. I haven’t told anyone what happened, because I think most people would laugh at me and think I’m overreacting.
Post # 3
@Smmg: I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Do you have access to an employee assistance program through your work? Sometimes even a couple of sessions with a counselor can be enough to work through the kind of (totally reasonable!) upset and anxiety that you’re feeling, at least enough to restore some peace and comfort to your daily life.
Post # 4
During this time while you’re feeling extra vulnerable, I would stay away from places that could be dangerous. IE: a club with a bunch of drunks.
In the mean time, maybe do something to help you feel impowered? Take a defense class, read up on how to be safe/cautious, get some pepper spray?
Post # 5
@Smmg: oh my goodness I’m so sorry!! I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. You have been violated twice in a very short amount of time. I think you need to let it out and talk to your fiance, family and friends about this so that you’re not keeping it all inside. No one would laugh at you! HUGS!!
Post # 6
It feels SO disempowering when someone helps themself to you this way, and I am SO SO sorry that you had to go through it — especially the manager’s reaction, that is really, really disgusting.
You’re not overreacting. Your feelings are justified, and I cannot imagine anyone in their right mind laughing about anything like this.
Hugs to you OP.
Post # 7
@Smmg: Nothing justifies someone groping another person. However, that’s also why I don’t go to clubs, or subject myself to that sort of environment. I once was leaning against something on New Years Eve and had a gentleman (douchebag?) lick my hand, as I was talking to a friend. It was disgusting, but those are the sorts of people you get in places like that.
Post # 8
Thank you ladies for your words. I did file a complain with the police department. The officer told me that he was going to look over at the video, if they had any, but if he couldn’t find anything he was going to close the case. I just could not believe how the manage responded to the incident. I, at the end of the day, was a paying customer service and I feel like the bouncers should have taken action aging at the guy, not me.
@Bubblesmcgee: I mentioned the situation to my supervisor (Without going into much detail). I asked if there was a counselor or a psychologist I could talk to. She said she was going to look into it but I haven’t heard back from her.
On the meantime I’m just avoiding working late and I’m definitively going to be at home unless I absolutely have to leave, such as when I have to go to work.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That was a very serious physical violation and how you’re feeling is completely normal and justified.
Post # 10
@Smmg: That’s horrible. They might have kicked you out because you were being aggressive in response to the groping. That’s why we’re supposed to blow our rape whistle, scream rape / fire if we’re being attacked.
Yelp the club as well — women need to know what kind of risk they run if they go. The manager was an idiot. What happened wasn’t right and is bad for business. If women stop going to clubs, who’s going to buy the overpriced drinks?
Cops can only do so much because of due process. I’m sorry that happened to you. Until rapers / gropers stop raping / groping, we have do to what we can to protect ourselves.
Post # 11
I am so sorry that happened. It happened to me once, a long time ago, at a friend’s club. I punched the guy – don’t regret it a bit. I think the bouncers did a lot more than that once they took him outside. I am really, truly sorry. I can still remember how violated I felt.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@bitsybee: I was also going to suggest leaving a Yelp review! Definitely do it like bitsybee recommended.
@Smmg: Groping = sexual assault. If I had any regret, it was not filing a charge against an offender who attempted to rape me while I was sleeping at a former coworker’s couch — because it happened to someone else.
But I did see a police officer to see what my options were. The constable told me that it is really tough for these cases to go through unless you are 100% committed to showing up in court; etc. A lot of the times when alcohol is involved, it’s really hard to lay charges on the offender. (At the time, I just didn’t want to see his face anymore. I was in shock; I did nothing wrong.)
The law sucks. Hugs, you should reach out to a counsellor. Take some personal days off.
Edited to add: I should mention that nobody laughs about sexual assault. You should talk to someone close in your circle; i.e. sibling/best friend. You’d be surprised to see how many people we know in person has encountered situations like these. Not many people speak up because there’s a stupid stigma attached to it or are unsure if they could trust them with that information.
When I spoke up, I was surprised to hear similar stories from people I know. It should not be a stigma. Just because we have boobs doesn’t mean that anyone can touch them.
Post # 13
@Smmg: I am so sorry this happened to you. It is really unfair that in our society we are the ones that have to go the extra mile in order to protect ourselves but alas it is what I think we need to do.
Have you thought about a self defence class? Not only does it give you the skills to be able to possible get out of situations but it can also boost your confidence and make you feel more secure in yourself. It will also make you more aware of your surroundings and equip you with the tools to work out if the area/situation you are in is the right one (eg. standing with the crowd rather than off to the side).
And I agree with speaking to someone. If the cost is an issue maybe call the local womens clinic and see if they can recommend or refer you to a free service or support group.
But please do not let this incident steal your life. You have the right to go out and enjoy life and not stay at home scared. Take the steps to get you to a place where you feel secure.
Post # 14
You are definitely not overreacting. I know you said you’re not looking for advice, but there are a lot of good ideas from PPs here. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Post # 15
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You aren’t overreacting – you were violated both physically from the incident and mentally by the club’s reaction. After my sexual assault, it took awhile to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I promise you that you will get through it though. It just takes time. I like the self defense class idea. It will make you feel like you’re in control of your surroundings rather than being at the mercy of the world.
Post # 16
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, and your feelings are completely justified and normal.
I second/third/whatever the idea of a self-defense class. I saw a speaker this year at my grad program after reading her book (Aftermath by Susan Brison, NOT recommended if you are feel vulnerable because it is intense) and she could not recommend self-defense classes more strongly after her sexual assault. She’s still recommending them, and it’s been 20 years.