I got involved in my neighbors terrible domestic disputes…..

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3989 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yes, call the Cops next time.  You probably should have called a while ago (not giving you a hardr time, but I never hesitate in situations like this).  From what it sounds like, he is most likely hitting her.  She is a typical victim of domestic abuse and will tell you until her face is blue that she loves him and doesn’t want to get him in trouble.  This does not mean it is the answer.

Please call the police next time.  And don’t hesitate to tell them what you heard him say about YOU either.

 

Post # 4
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Personally, I would call the cops next time. I have been a victim of abuse myself, and I know she doesn’t seem to want to help herself. However, I don’t think you are out of line to call the cops if you believe that their fights are out of control. Maybe they will realize that everyone in the world can hear them. You need to find a way to feel secure though, because what happens if someone else calls the cops on them, and you don’t know, and suddenly you are at risk? Because he will surely think it was you. I’d advise arming yourself with pepper spray, at the very least. Make sure you know how to use it before you start carrying it around.

Make sure your FI knows about this. If you do call the cops, tell them that you are afraid. Never underestimate an abuser.

I don’t have any advice on what you should do about your friendship though.

Post # 5
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would have called the cops long ago.

Post # 6
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Call the cops. I doubt it will do any good, but I would call them.

I would also call the apartment manager and let him know what is going on. It sucks that her life is a mess, but you pay rent and have your own life and shouldn’t have to suffer because of your neighbors.

ETA: As for the friendship, I would probably keep my distance. I wouldn’t turn her away if she came to me, but I wouldn’t be seeking her out.

 

Post # 7
Member
3200 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You need to call the cops next time.  Seriously you do not want to see her face on a milk carton and have to deal with questions from the cops.  Perhaps you could explain the situation to apartment management and ask them to inform her that several neigbhors have complained.  That way it looks like it’s not just you.

Post # 8
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Call the police and talk to the apartment manager. And I agree that you need to express concern for your own safety as well.

Post # 9
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

My heart breaks for your neighbor! Even if you call the cops and they come, chances are that she won’t press charges. What an awful situation!

 

Post # 10
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blushpink10:  I am begging you to call the police now and explain the situation. Tell them you are afraid for her safety and tour own and they will make it so he has to leave and stay away, pending a hearing in court. I was your neighbor once upon a time and the guy was my ex husband. If you call now you may save her life. 

Post # 11
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What an awful situation for you to be in. Calling the cops may make the abuse worse but I think it has to be done. she clearly is in no position to be able to help herself right now as I couldnt live with myself if I didn’t try to help should something terrible happen to her.

eta – maybe it’s better if you call now while he is gone and something isn’t actively happening?

 

Post # 12
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I would have called the cops already and if I were you I would definitely call next time. PP who suggested to call anyway and explain what’s going on has a good idea. I would keep my distance from her as you don’t want to get more involved, ESP if she is not planning on leaving him- and to tell you not to call the cops! You have to do what’s right for your safety. 

Post # 13
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blushpink10:  let me also add that I didn’t leave my abusive ex husband until the police were called and I realized how dangerous the situation was for me and my son

Post # 14
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I am like you. When dealing with neighbor situations I hesitate to call the cops, but you are scared for your own safety. I would call the non emergency line and inform the cops about the situation and state it’s not only her safety your worried about. 

Post # 15
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@blushpink10:  Call the cops next and every time after that. The thing about a woman in that situation is, although she will probably lie for him and not press charges, the state most likely will (depending on where you live) if you call them enough times over the same guy. Someday (which will only come when she’s literally “had enough”) she will be brave enough to press charges, get a restraining order (for which she will need proof of his actions) or call that hotline number and get herself some help. Not calling the cops only reinforces her fantasy inside her head that it’s really not that bad. And then there’s the worst case scenario, that one of those times when you call the cops it might actually save her life.

ETA: If you even hear him threatening you, even without seeing him or having him at your door, you can in fact call the police and report that too. Any verbal threat to harm you.

Post # 16
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@minniemluv:  This.

 

I’d call your local police department and give your story to them now so that you don’t have to explain the situation when you hear him screaming at her when you do call. The thing that would bother me is that he said he’s going to come to your apartment. If he’s hitting her, what would stop him from hitting and belittling you? What if he does it when your FI isn’t around? It’s not like you can run away or avoid it since you live there. You pay money to be in your home. You should feel safe at home. I personally would have called a long time ago. Like PP said, you just might save her life. 

I’ve been with an emotional abuser before and they know how to turn the tables and make you feel like you’re at fault for everything when they are the guilty party. She’s too weak to defend herself and she’s stuck. Now if he is physically violent, he could potentially kill her. It’s really crappy and I am sorry you somehow got caught in the middle. You need to talk to FI and tell him everything before you do anything else. If I were in your shoes, I would go down to the police department and tell them why you’re concerned. 

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