(Closed) I guess I feel . . . Jealous? (sorry a bit long)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry, but I would be feeling a little more than jealous, not to mention pissed, if he’s been talking w/ this woman and not telling you. And they’re meeting?? Yeah, no. I’m not sure how I would handle this other than sitting him down & letting him know how this is affecting you. I’d something something along the lines of, “You know I’ve been dealing well with my jealousy issues, but I feel this is something else entirely. I do trust you and want you to maintain friendships, but knowing your past history with her I feel uncomfortable”.

I had major trust & jealousy issues for @ least 2 years after Fiance & I started dating. After we moved in together they pretty much subsided. I finally told myself, “Okay, you cannot live like this the rest of your life. You will never be happy like this & there is no relationship w/out trust”.

I hope he listens to your concerns & understands where you’re coming from!

Post # 5
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

i dont have any advice only empathy… Alas I am a jealous one too. I know this thoough so i work hard to keep it in check…but in the back of my mind im more worried about the chick and less about my guy…Some chicks can jusst be sooo sneaky you know?

I think it is important to remember that even though he had a crush on this girl, they have been friends since kindergarden! I would definately be upset if he just up and met someone new but they were friends before you guys were even thinking about a relationship!Just try to relax(easier said than done i know) and just try to focus on your guy and not the other girl. Remember that it is possible for guys and gals to have friends of the opposite sex and it just be platonic. Giver her a chance to slip up first. That will show your guy you trust him and possibly even strengthen your relationship. At the same time, trust your instincts…the gut always knows something is up. If you can seperate your instincts from your jealousy, itll all be cool!

I would definately have a sit down with Fiance and express the fact that you are a little concerned because guys can be so oblivious at times and dont realize something is a problem until you say something about it. I would steer clear off accusing him…just let him know it brings up old personal issues with you and your struggles so it may be difficult for you to deal!

Good Luck!

Post # 6
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

why does he need to meet up with this girl? i dont get it. did he know you had these jealousy issues in the past? cos if so he isnt doing a good job of helping you. i dont think there is any harm in him meeting her but i dont think theres any good reason why he has to go have drinks with this one crush of his.. 

Post # 7
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If they were good friends since Kindergarten, eh, there’s more to it and I don’t think it’s a big deal. It’s not like he STILL has a crush on her. I have a guy friend of mine that i know used to like me. I’d think my husband was overstepping his bounds if he tried to put the kabosh on my friend and I meeting for drinks. I personally wouldn’t take kindly to it–you know your Fiance and how he’ll react, so act accordingly. I can meet for drinks without being flirty and stuff. It’s easy…if you aren’t interested! Even if she DID put some major moves on him, it’s not like he’s going to return them.

Post # 8
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Assuming you didn’t “find out” and he actually told you that he was meeting up with this girl, I don’t see the problem. Yeah, he had a crush on her back in the day, but unless he has done something to make you question his commitment, I wouldn’t worry. You said you had trust issues in the beginning of the relationship because *you* wanted it to be more casual, so I am not sure why that means you have an issue trusting him. Jealousy is a difficult thing, though, and I know it’s easier said that done, but he’s allowed to have friends, even if they are female. They’ve been friends since kindergarden, and you have to deal with that. How would you feel if he reacted this way about a friend you’ve had since you were 5?  Personally, I’d be happy that he told me about it, and leave it be. 

Post # 9
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Krises: She said she wanted it to be more THAN casual, not more casual.

To the OP: I totally understand where you’re coming from, and I think I would probably feel the same way. However, if he did mention that they’d talked, he might just not have elaborated because he doesnt’ see it as a big deal. I wouldn’t worry about it, unless they start spending an inordinate amount of time together.

Post # 10
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yeah, I wouldn’t be worried either. The thing about those ‘unattainable crushes we all had’ is that usually that person is not actually who we all had a crush on, they’re just a representation of what we thought we wanted. So, this girl is probably not the perfection he thought she was (way back in high school) – and he probably knows it, because guys are logical like that. 🙂

If you’re THAT worried, why not ask if you can come along and meet her?

Post # 11
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Fiance has a female friend that is rather promiscuous, to put it nicely, and after we talked about it, he said he would always invite me along. I trust him, but he’s really naive, and I don’t trust her. He always assumes the best out of people, and I worry that she would try something before he caught on (not having sex, obviously, lol, but I could see her trying to kiss him). It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I don’t like the thought of her trying to mack on my man :).

Sorry for the long tangent, lol, but what I’m trying to say is that even though he trusts her, I don’t, and he’s made accomodations for that. Maybe you could ask to meet her? That usually works with FI’s female friends, since you can typically tell who would respect the boundaries and who won’t.

Post # 12
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t want to sound judgy so I apologize in advance if it comes off that way, but I can assure you this would never happen in our household. We would both feel that situation completely inappropriate, no matter how long you go on and on about how they are ‘just friends’. Right. I mean, just think about the message your Fiance is sending this girl by agreeing to meet up, alone. He used to have a huge crush on her. His fiancee (you) has had major issues with jealousy and would obviously be crushed by something liek this. Yet he still agreed to the one-on-one meetup. I rarely keep Darling Husband from doing anything he wants to do (only once a couple years ago when he was going away every weekend), but this would definitely qualify.

Post # 13
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Personally – I think you are over-reacting.  Just because he is engaged to you doesn’t mean that he can longer have female friends or can only be with other females in your presence.  That fact that he used to have a crush on her means nothing – it was a crush.

I used to have a crush on one of DH’s good friends before Darling Husband and I started dating.  This guy is still good friends with both of us and was a Groomsmen in our wedding.  Should I never be around him (or at least not without DH) just because I had a crush on him at one point?  No!  That just sounds silly.

I know you mentioned that you’ve had issues with jealousy in the past so I can understand why this is not easy for you (in a way – I’ve not had issues with jealousy but I can try to put myself in your shoes).  But preventing your Fiance from seeing his female friends isn’t the solution to your jealousy.

Post # 14
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s one thing if your Fiance was friends with a girl and in consistant contact with her (calling to catch up/getting together every so often) – then it wouldn’t be that strange for them to get together.

HOWEVER, if they haven’t talked in years and they’re getting together I kind of wonder, what’s the point? It’s not like they’re going to date. If they just want to catch up then why not invite you along? My Fiance (now husband) would always introduce me to old friends, male and female.

I don’t think the problem comes from them wanting to get together and catch up but getting together and excluding you is a definite “No”. I would never get together with a male friend without inviting my Fiance along. It just seems disrespectful, plus I wouldn’t want my friend to get the wrong impression.

Post # 15
322 posts
Helper bee

Alrighty, to start off, you are not overreacting at all. I have been through some serious trust issues with my SO including talking to an ex behind my back. I, like you, have been through counseling to deal with the trust issues and have made huge progress with myself and with him. The same SO has a few female friends that I have either never met or it took a while for me to meet them. I 100% agree with jo.lee. You can tell when you meet them.  I met one of the friends (girl he “dated” in hs for like 2 weeks who is clearly still into him) she didn’t make eye contact with me once and sat there engrossed in everything about him while I talked to her friends. Not once did she try to involve me in the conversation. He will not be hanging out with that girl again! No need for it, she wasn’t a good friend that he kept in touch with, she just happened to be in town and wanted to see him. He understands and agrees with me. Met another one recently and she was wonderful. She focused on both of us and asked specific things to me, etc. She even told him afterwards that I was awesome or something like that. He can keep her around 🙂 Again it is not about controlling, it’s about managing the threats to your relationship and you both need to do that. I said that to SO about the one girl who was clearly still into him, he said “she’s not a threat, I don’t like her” and I said, it got us fighting didn’t it? That’s a threat. Side note: he expressed to me that he was very pleased with how i acted with the 2nd girl. Well duh idiot. She made me feel comfortable and I trusted her. I’m not a complete lunatic that gets jealous just for the hell of it! That is not fun hahaha.. Anyways, I’m sorry for going on and on about my experiences but just hoping maybe you can relate and get something out of it. My main advice is that he should be inviting you along, he should want you to meet her if there’s nothing going on. But your job is to make him feel comfortable about that i.e. that you’re not going to be a b*tch to her you know? because that will make him not want you around even if there is nothing going on (which I’m sure there’s not but I know how us green eyed monsters tend to think!). It is completely fine to have friends of the opposite sex but they should be both of your friends…

Post # 16
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Bottom line- he hasn’t done anything wrong b/c he wasn’t trying to hide it from you.  BUT if you feel uncomfortable with it, you should tell him, Maybe you could go along.

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