Post # 1
Fiance and I are getting married this June. Or so I thought. His family has played games with us for the past two years, refusing to come, making demands, making compromises and then going back on their word EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I don’t want to go too much into the story because I’m burnt out, but today, they met up with us and my dad.
They came up with yet another idea that we should postpone our wedding, in return for them attending the wedding. They’ve always hated me and I know they just want me out of the picture. I’ve been patient and nice, but even Fiance was losing his patience.
Today, I SNAPPED. I broke down crying and yelling at my Fiance. Blamed me for making me meet his parents again and putting me through this hell again.
I don’t know why im writing this now.
I am so embarassed, and at the same time, I’m crushed and heartbroken. Things never run smoothly for me and I’ve been planning this wedding for the past year, and now it won’t be happening.
Even putting aside the financial loss, the emotional hit is staggering.
Please don’t be harsh on me, I know I shouldn’t have done that already. I just need a safe place to deal with this. I came home and haven’t talked to my Fiance yet. But, dad said he was deeply disappointed that I didn’t handle the situation better
Post # 3
I’m so sorry this happened…I’m sure it could have been handled better but it seems like you were pushed over the edge…sometimes it just can’t be helped! I hope you get to talk this out with your Fiance. Does he agree with his parents asking you to postpone? Why can’t he just stand his ground with them? It’s his and your wedding….not his parents’.
Post # 4
@ScorpioBee: Hugs to you, OP. whatever it was, I hope you feel better. Perhaps things will be more in perspective to you in the morning.
Post # 5
Hugs to you OP, I know the feeling – my FI’s dad doesn’t seem to like me at all (I challenge him, intelligence-wise, and I’m not at all like FI’s mom) and I live in fear that they’re going to pull something like this. But things . . . well, they happen, and we learn to deal with them.
Oh, and to all the people telling you how to deal with this stuff, tell them to kiss it. They don’t have to deal with the people your Fiance loves hating you. They don’t know what it’s like to feel the snide glances, the supposedly casual and off-hand comments made to insult/slight you, or how it feels to desperately want poisonous people out of your life and not be able to ask for it because it will hurt someone you love deeply. (Thank god that’s not my FI’s family, it’s my mom’s family).
Your Fiance loves you and you love him, and that’s something his family won’t be able to take away just by pushing you to your limit.
Post # 6
I feel terribly for you. I am so sorry this is happening.
This is my first impression MOB POV so you can take it for what it is worth. His parents are emotionally blackmailing him to attend your wedding by playing some nasty games. Why is he willing to not only put himself through this, but put YOU through it to get these toxic people to attend a wedding they do not support?
I will add the disclaimer that I have no idea why these people hate you and don’t want their son to marry you. They could have valid reasons, but I don’t know if they do or not so I can’t really go there much. We DID completely disapprove of our youngest DD’s wedding 8+ years ago. (She is my stepdd). She got engaged at 17, hid it from her dad and I, and booked a church, reception hall, and bought a dress. Then she told us. Her mother thought it was a great idea for her to marry at 18, we thought it was ludicrous, and we were right. At 26 and single she is still trying to get through college and establish a life for herself. My point here is that sometimes parents have a reason to disapprove.
I get the impression though, that your FIL’s are just toxic people.
Your Fiance needs to decide if he is going to continue to allow this or if he is going to cut them out of his life until they can stop treating you both so poorly and respect you. If he is willing to stop putting up with their crap, then move on and have your wedding! If he continues to play their games, tell him game over because that would be throwing you under the bus everytime they get a new idea of how to harrass you.
FTR – we did attend our DD’s wedding and quit talking about our disapproval almost immediately because she was very immature and anything we said, she intensified into something that never happened. Saving the relationship was for more important.
Post # 7
If I had someone treating me like that, I would have eventually broken down too. I mean, my God, they’re threatening not to come if you don’t do what they say/want? Bullying you financially and emotionally? Deliberatley trying to interfere with your marriage? WTF! They’re deliberatley trying to get to you!
My advice is to plan your wedding when you want, how you want. Send an invite and if they choose to play the “we’re not coming” game, to hell with them. Plan a wedding you can afford without their money so they don’t have strings attached all over your day.
Post # 8
I think these people have a way of pushing you over the edge, and in the interest of both civility and your sanity, I would speak to your your Fiance and make sure communication with his side of the family goes through him. Speak to him about what you would like to do in terms of timing, finances, etc. and come to a mutual agreement that works for the two of you.
Whenever you make a decision together, leave it to your Fiance to politely but firmly communicate the information to his family. They can either come or not come, but you should both stand your ground when it comes to your decisions so they know you will not be manipulated. Over time, hopefully they will come to accept you and get past this, but right now keeping your distance may be best.
Post # 9
wait – why is the wedding not happening? why is your fi still entertaining their demands?
breakdown or not – you can still say ‘i’m sorry i didn’t handle your news better, but fi and i have decided that we will not be postponing on your behalf. wedding is on X day at X time, we’d love for you to join us’.
Post # 10
Ya I don’t get this either, why can’t you get married in July? Who cares if his family doesn’t show.
Post # 12
That sounds awful, but like others have said you were pushed and you reacted the way people do when they are pushed.
Your Fi clearly knew it was going to be difficult for you, and should understand your reaction.
I don’t see why you should have to postpone your wedding to suit them, they are the ones being difficult. Like you say you have arranged it and its almost time, it would be heartbreaking to cancel it now for the disillusioned hope they may decide to attend, and it doesnt sound much like it would be a priority to them.
Best of luck with whatever you decide *hugs*
Post # 13
I think we need some more backstory, OP. I know you said you didn’t want to delve into it, but I feel like you weren’t in the wrong. Maybe you shouldn’t have had a breakdown in front of them, but it seems like your Fiance is picking his family’s ridiculous demands over his own future WIFE’S. Uhm, I’d reassess that relationship, stat.
Post # 14
If your fiance keeps agreeing to postpone the wedding because of his family… you don’t have a “his family” problem, you have a fiance problem. The mature thing for HIM to do is to say, “Sorry you’re not going to attend. We are going through with it and still hope to see you there.” and then to marry you and have an awesome time without his loser family. If he can’t do that, however, you should break up with him because he is putting his toxic family over his relationship with you, and that is bad news.
Post # 15
@distracts: +1, I agree completely! While obviously having a meltdown in front of them was not the best way to handle things, I can totally see how it would happen when your Fiance isn’t sticking up for you. That’s not fair or right, he’s putting you in an awful position. Frankly, I think you should be the one postponing the wedding until he decides whose needs and wants are more important to him – his wife or parents.
ETA: And for those asking why the wedding has to be postponed…I’m assuming that is her so-called FI’s doing. If you look at her post from a couple of months ago she said that they were planning a wedding for this summer, but he wouldn’t give her the ring, call her his Fiance, or say that they were engaged until his parents gave their approval – which they were refusing to do unless they postponed the wedding in hopes they could talk him out of it before the new date. Looks like her guy has decided he’d rather give in to his parents than stand by her, which is obviously a huge problem.
Post # 16
@ScorpioBee: sorry you’re going through this. I am confused as to why the wedding is now off? If i were you I’d plan the wedding, it they want to be there to support you on your day great if not move on with out then. you cannot plan/live your life around them.