I HATE bachelor parties… Yes another long post… Advice please? =(

posted 3 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
10876 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@kris325:  Kris, the problem isn’t that you’re jealous and need to get over it.  The problem is that your husband, both before and after  marriage, continually has ignored  and dismissed  your feelings and has chosen  to handle controversial issues by being deceptive.

I know from some of your other posts that you and your DH both have indicated that you want to honor God with your relationship.  However, when your husband has made very poor choices (choosing to go to a strip club, choosing to lie to and deceive you, actively checking out other women — regardless of whether or not you’re present at the time, getting drunk, etc), he has not been making God-honoring choices, and those choices also have not been honoring to you.

It doesn’t sound as if your DH’s focus is on pleasing God and loving you. It also sounds as if your DH’s friends are not a positive influence on him and are pulling him away from God and away from you. These are not good signs for a new marriage.

I applaud your commitment to making your marriage work. However, for your marriage to be healthy and successful, your DH is going to need to be accountable to someone other than his own whims.  I strongly suggest that you both meet with your pastor or a Christian counselor to discuss these issues.

Post # 5
10876 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@kris325:  Good. I think that will be very helpful. 🙂

As for men naturally wanting to check out women, yes, it is in their nature to want to do this. It is not wrong for a Christian man to see  a beautiful woman and think to himself that she is beautiful.  Where he gets into trouble is when he takes the second look  and begins to allow his mind to go places where it has no business going.  For your DH to see the young woman and think she is beautiful is normal. For him, as a married, Christ follower, to turn around and watch her while she walked away, was a wrong choice.

I’ve been married for four years, and I’ve never seen my DH checking out other women, because he deliberately chooses  NOT to do it. In fact, a couple of months ago, he told me of a situation where he glimpsed an extremely attractive young woman as he was walking down a corridor at a hospital where he went to visit a patient. He said, “I was tempted to take a second look, and I said to myself, ‘No. You have NO business going there,’ so I deliberately averted my eyes.”  That incident makes my husband a normal man who has chosen to submit his thoughts, desires, and actions to Christ and who desires to honor his wife.

Since your DH is still a very young Christian, it certainly is normal for him to struggle with things as he is learning and growing. And, as Christians, we are always  learning and growing. We never completely arrive.  Once we begin to mature in one area of our lives, the Holy Spirit continues to point out other areas where we have not yet died to self and in which we need to grow. I’ve been walking with God as an adult for more than 30 years now, and I am still finding so many areas of my life where I need to change and grow.  It’s a lifelong process.

However, as we begin to mature in our walk with God, we grow stronger with every right choice that we make. It becomes easier to make the next, right choice.  However, the reverse also is true.  Every poor choice we make makes it easier for us to make another poor choice. 

Your DH needs some Godly men in his life to help mentor and encourage him as he grows in his relationship to Christ.  Meeting with your pastor — and also seeing if your DH can be connected to a men’s group at church — may be a good place to begin.

Also, you may want to find out if there is a Bible study at your church for young married couples and give that a try.  Finally, there are some great resources out there to help.  My favorite ministries for helping to build and strengthen healthy marriages are John and Stasi Eldridge’s Randsomed Heart Ministries and Family Life Today, links below:



Post # 6
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Checking out beautiful people isn’t the problem, I think. There is a Huge difference between checking someone out/noticing someone is attractive V Being attracted/lusting over them. I’ve never seen my DH checking out a lady but I know he has a thing for Charlize Theron and Noomi Rapace (can’t blame him, they are gorgeous ladies) there are plenty of men I find attractive but I don’t lust after them, its impossible for any man or woman to not notice attractive people (unless one is asexual).

I agree with PP that the problem is his attitude of deception and dismissing your feelings, I really don’t know how you “trust” him so much when he constantly is giving you reasons Not to trust him.

He needs to understand that it isn’t about his faith alone (the whole, well I just need to ask Jesus for forgiveness) but that it is about your relationship as a partnership that should stem from mutual respect, which he is not demonstrating. Yes people make mistakes and we should forgive them but he is choosing to hurt you and lie about it, he needs to realize there will be consequences or else we will continue to take you for granted.

Post # 7
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh, and for goodness sake do not take advice from Cosmo.

By that reasoning it is your fault (typical to blame the woman) that he is checking out other women in front of you, is he “punishing” you for being jealous (even though it is his fault)??? That reads as so so so many red flags to me, so mean spirited and childish.

Post # 8
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

so from what ive read, it seems clear that he does not respect you or your feelings. i myself do not agree with strip clubs or bachelor parties, and had my husband pulled that with me at any point in our relationship, id have dumped him on the spot. the interest in partying with strippers surpassed his interest in you or your upcoming wedding. i hate to say it, but it seems as though you may have been the only one ready for marriage. he sounds incredibly immature and blames “male behavior” for his indesrections. at this point, id insist he attend couseling with you either at the church or at a private doctors office before his behavior escalates any further. im very sorry you re going through this and i certainly hope he cleans his act up.

oh and i totally agree with fiver. dont take advice from cosmo. ive seen some pretty ridiculous articles in there and no longer take anything that they write seriously.

Post # 9
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

He has somehow convinced you that it is an over reaction for you to be bothered by him disrespecting you repeatedly.  I agree that I don’t know how you can say that you trust him when he isn’t giving you any reason to do so.  Instead, he’s figured out how to “prevent you from getting mad”, I wouldn’t consider this to be trustworthy behaviour.

Post # 10
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Brielle:  +1. I feel like the OP is blaming herself when really the blame lies with her DH who consistently disregards her feelings. I demand to come first with my FI, and I wouldn’t be marrying him if he didn’t prioritize our relationship over everything (and everyone) else.

Post # 11
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@kris325:  Sounds like you have to have alot of “agreements” with him that I’d bet are pretty one-sided, as in you stick to them and he doesnt. It also sounds like you have to monitor him alot….like you would have to with a bratty teenager.

I’m not a big fan of “working through” issues like this if they present themselves early on in the dating stage of the relationship, as it feels like “fixing” someone to me, and I’d just rather date someone I’m on the same page with from the get-go. But y’all got married so we have to work with that.

My opinion: he’s acted sneaky because you have shown him over the years that you’ll forgive him and “work with” him when he does. I don’t but his “I’ll try not to go to the strip club” line: you either go or tell your buddy “I’m not going”, there’s no “try” about it. He really hasnt had much in the way of punishment for hurting you, as you’ve stayed with him.

If this were me, I’d take a break from the relationship to give him a reality check. Not some big, dramatic, tear-filled, thing; just “hey, I’m staying somewhere else for awhile. you’re free to do as you please.” One of two things will happen: he’ll keep acting like a bachelor or he’ll take you seriously and quit pushing the envelope.

I hope he pulls his head out of his ass or you move on. You don’t deserve to be hurt by someone that can’t even own their actions.

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