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I've always been this way. I don't find it funny or endearing or the least bit acceptable when someone goes overboard at a party, then spends the night stumbling around, saying (slurring) things they normally wouldn't, getting sick, and just not acting like themselves.
My fiance is in a fraternity (about to graduate), so I knew what I was getting myself into when I started dating him. His particular frat is actually very classy. No kegs or animal-house-ness to speak of. They throw really fun parties that I usually enjoy. Usually.
Most of the time, my fiance will have a couple of drinks, maybe get a little tipsy but not to the point that it's affecting his personality. That's fine. But there are times when he drinks more than that. Too much, in my opinion, and it just HURTS me to see him incapacitated.
I'm writing this now because I need to vent about last night. His frat threw a small, invite-only party. I missed the first part because I wasn't feeling well, so when I finally got there, things had been underway for a while. I walked in, said hi to his brothers, and was warned that my fiance was "wasted". Oh boy. And sure enough, he was. He walked towards me but couldn't stay in a straight line. When he spoke, he slurred all his words. His eyes were glazed over. But best of all (and this is what he does EVERY TIME this happens), he tried to tell me that he wasn't drunk by any means, and that I was just being paranoid and critical.
That led to one of many fights we've had about this. He thinks I'm trying to get in the way of his fun and control his life. I'm not. I know there will be situations throughout our marriage when he'll "drink with the guys" and have too much sometimes. I want him to enjoy himself, but what I also want is for him to understand that I feel pain when I see him like that. I'll deal with the pain. I just don't want him to call me things that aren't true because of it. If everyone (not just me) can see that he's wasted, well, I'm not making it up!
Sigh...I'm sorry if this sounds whiny. It was just a really rough night.
I really can't say that I understand this feeling. Have you been hurt by some particular things your man or some close friends or family members have said or done when drunk?
I go to a very academically rigorous college where drinking is an escape once each weekend or so. It feels like a tremendous burden has been lifted when words can flow more freely and you can act silly, and further not feel ashamed about it. Yes, people do stupid and sometimes dangerous things when drunk, but I believe that more often than not, alcohol can help to escalate the 'fun' quotient of a night. If people do it too often such that it impairs their daily lives, or drink so much that they vomit/pass out regularly, or have the tendency to become violent when drinking, then yes, it's a problem. But if none of these is true of your FI, then I don't understand why you're so upset. It's not like you don't get your sober FI back the next morning; he's still the same person whenever he's not drinking.
I think you need to address what has been done to make you feel that way. You say you have many fights it, which makes me think you expected the drinking to stop at some point and it hasn't. It's important that you talk about it, because as VeganGlam mentioned, for many people drinking is a fun release from everyday life. Honestly, if I couldn't just let loose and get drunk once in awhile, I wouldn't be a very happy person.
I completely agree with you. I think you should have a serious conversation with your fiance about it-- he has to at least respect you and it should hurt him as well that you are so upset about this.
Drinking in moderation is okay-- but getting excessively drunk is completely wrong and if someone feels that they have to do that to "escape" from their life, then I must say that is the first step toward alcoholism. No one's life is that hard that they must get drunk to have fun and "stay happy". That is just an excuse. Getting drunk is what immature teenagers do when they first experience alcohol because they don't know any better. After that, they must grow up and mature and realize that they can have just as much (if not more) fun when sober or slightly "relaxed" (ie. having a few drinks is okay if you know you're not going to get drunk because of them).
I wish you the best in this situation!
@karina - I have to respectfully disagree with you. I got wonderfully drunk only once this year, in Florida on Spring Break with just R and a night out, but I wouldn't trade occasional nights like that in, and I certainly don't think they make me an alcoholic. An "escape" does not have to be a bad thing - what do you think entertainment is? Or vacations? My previous post about the OP getting on the same page as her SO still stands, but let's not throw around words like alcoholic. I have an alcoholic in my family, and I will tell you that it's nothing to supply lightly.
All I'm saying is that one cannot say that the reason they get drunk is to escape from their daily lives and be "happy", as you and vegan alluded to. That is the reason alcoholics use-- that's all I'm saying; I'm not calling you an alcoholic.
You must have a better reason for getting drunk than that, and if not, then there really is no reason you should be doing it. Why would you want to act like a complete fool to have fun? How embarrassing.
karina85, that is your take. Some people crochet or play bingo or paint or write stories or act in plays in which they are completely unlike their real 'selves' to escape. Can you concretely tell me why any of those is better than drinking, aside from the potential health risks it poses (and please remember that those are only potentials)?
It entirely possible to drink to intoxication without posing a threat to your health or others'. I've been drinking for eight years now and have never once gotten sick or hurt myself or others, nor have I become an alcoholic (I drink less than once a week) so it isn't just something that "teenagers do". Sometimes a situation calls for just getting a 'buzz', and sometimes it's fun to get a lot more intoxicated than that and feel okay to act completely ridiculous. Everyone needs a break from the monotony of their day-to-day life sometimes. Don't be so judgmental and condescending. If the OP's FI isn't emotionally or physically abusing himself or someone else, then I see no reason why he shouldn't be allowed to have fun the way he wants to.
No one in this thread has said they NEED to be drunk to feel happy. No said they NEED to act like a fool to have fun. All that's been said is that it's one sort of avenue for having fun, and if it's one that you can't understand, then personally I think it's your loss and not mine. Drunken revelry has been a favorite form of merrymaking for thousands of years. No one's going around and pathologizing the ancient Greeks.
Being intoxicated affects your ability to reason, and hence your ability to make sound decisions. Crocheting, playing bingo, painting, writing stories, and any other activity you can think of will not do that to you.
If you are an adult, do you respect yourself and your reputation? An adult should be able to control themselves.
Myabe I'm wrong, but not all teenagers decide to get drunk because they don't know any better. I agree with Lilyfaith that that the use of "alcoholic" is not necessary. You don't know about anyone's family situation, and it may hit a sore spot.
I also think that if her FI is not hurting himself or anyone with his behavior, it's fine to be that way once in awhile.
Has he or anyone else done something to hurt you while they were drunk?
ETA: I also don't think being drunk ruins your reputation or respect for youself. It happens every now and then.
But it is an occasional escape for me - an escape from always being the responsible one who works and studies long hours, thinks ahead, plans everything, etc. Would I ever put myself in a situation where I could harm others by driving, etc? No, of course not. As I said, 99% of the time I drink, it's a glass or two of wine, or a few beers, or two mixed drinks at a bar. But sometimes it's nice to let loose and get to that point. I'm not going to justify further because, frankly, I don't embarrass myself and I don't think I should have to explain my decisions to you. I just responded to your post because my grandfather is an alcoholic, and when he drinks it is in private in his bedroom, where he is ashamed to let anyone see him. He's a mean drunk who hurt his family, and that is completely different from occasionally getting drunk.
I don't need to provide a reason for my actions other than that I have free will, and it is something that is a fun release every so often. Do I act like a fool sometimes? Of course. Bad karaoke and making FSIL dress up in a TP wedding dress on the night of her bachelorette party come to mind. Walking and laughing with R down a pretty Florida path on a beautiful night come to mind. Would I have enjoyed it less with less to drink? Probably not, but the point is I didn't have to think, "oh, I should stop after two drinks because I have to work in the morning" which made the whole evening a lot more relaxing. I don't see how that's for you to judge.
Honestly, I don't care if "respectable" people act silly when they drink. It's not like it reflects on who they are 99% of the time. They're just having fun.
Recognizing that this may not be everyone else's take on things, I only drink in places where I know it won't affect "my reputation". I can "control" myself enough that I've never harmed myself or others when I drink. I honestly don't see why anything else matters.
1. Your FI is being immature and an ass by insisting that he isn't drunk when is in fact drunk. That's annoying.
2. Your desire to have him acknowledge that it hurts you to see him drunk is putting a lot on him and is very hurtful of you to do. You can't control how you feel and that's unfortunate but feeling pain when someone you love is drunk and acting fine/not abusive/embarassing is not a typical reaction and it is not his fault. If someone I loved told me it hurt them when I did something harmless that I enjoyed a lot (and had social pressure towards) I'd be very upset and feel bad done by.
However, it's not your fault you feel like you do and he needs to be considerate - you guys should come up with an agreement that he doesn't get drunk around you and when he wants to get drunk he doesn't drop by your place later, doesn't call you etc. That should work right? So at the party he should have called you and said babe I'm drunk you better stay home tonight.
For that he needs to work on recognizing when he's drunk and I'd suggest you try not to guilt trip him about someone that is not inherently harmful and that you're both considerate with each other's feelings.
I think you're over-reacting. It's pretty common for frat guys to drink, and almost every drunk insists they are fine! It sounds like he is a really responsible guy most of the time and honestly he drinks way less than a lot of college guys. I wouldn't peg him as being anywhere on the trajectory toward being an alcoholic. You don't have to drink, and you can choose not to go to parties where people are drinking, but you can't tell other people what to do if they aren't hurting anyone. (Or you can, but you might not get invited out next time.)
If there is more to the story, like he drinks and drives or you grew up in an alcoholic household, then those are real issues and you should probably get some counseling together.
I totally agree with you Lady. There is nothing more annoying to a sober person than a drunk person. And beyond annoyance, it does hurt to see someone you love in a disgusting state like that... can't talk, can't walk, not themselves, out of control.
Is your FI drinking "to get drunk" or does he just keep going because he's having a good time, over-estimating his ability to hold his liquor? When people need to get intoxicated to relax, to have a good time or for an "escape" it is usually a warning sign (as opposed to light drinking for the same reasons). Even if he doesn't do it often, if he is getting drunk (not just drinking) as a release from stress and tension you are right to voice concerns. I say this after spending the last 15 years of my life dealing with an alcohol addict. You know that noise a soda can makes when you pop the tab open? When I hear someone open a Pepsi my back actually spasms because I associate that noise with the opening of yet another beer...
To be clear he doesn't sound like an alcoholic or anything. But this issue is not going to go away. If it truly bothers you he should be willing to consider modifying his behavior. Not that he can't go out drinking but maybe that he needs to watch his consumption more carefully out of respect for you and the pain this causes you. This is not some minor irritation to you and the key is for him to understand that.
I'm going to respectfully disagree with those who feel that getting sloshed every weekend is healthy and can sympathize with feeling bored, frustrated or just fed up with alcohol serving as the primary form of amusement and entertainment for people in their 20s. People so inebriated they can't find the floor are generally not nearly as fun as they think they are - otherwise everyone would be clamoring to hold back someone else's hair and not the other way around.
OP, if I understand you correctly what irritates you almost as much as the drinking itself is the denial, not insofar as it indicates dishonesty, but reveals just how sloshed he really is. Is that right? That is, you don't insist that he stop drinking altogether and appreciate that sometimes he may overdo it, but it's embarrassing to you and to him when he demonstrates just how wasted he is by insisting that he's not wasted.
I think we would do well to re-visit the OP as opposed to reflexively defending our own alcohol consumption here, which isn't the point. If you and your SO are fine with your drinking habits, all well and good, but there seems to be a difference of opinion here between OP and her FI, and no amount of insisting that it SHOULDN'T bother her is going to solve the problem. It DOES, and so the next step is discussing why and so on.
It really seems like those who have personally dealt with alcoholic friends and family are having a hard time recognizing that you CAN get drunk for fun without being an alcoholic or endangering yourself or others. Just because someone chooses to get drunk (not just have one drink and get a buzz) as a means of stress relief doesn't mean they are dependent on it or find it to be the ONLY relaxing or fun thing in their life. And that judgment is frustrating, because it leads to indignation that really isn't warranted. I don't know if OP is one of these people, but it might help if she asks herself if she is. This is the sort of thing that couples counseling would definitely help with.
I, too, agree that it sounds like you are overreacting just a little bit. If your fiance isn't hurting you in any way (physically or emotionally), isn't cheating on you, isn't hurting himself or others, then it sounds like he is just trying to have a little bit of fun on the weekends - isnt that a normal part of college life? I say either let him have a good time and stick around him because you love him regardless, or just dont go to the parties where this is occurring. Maybe on the nights he is drinking with his guys you could go hang out with your girls? Unless you have a family history with alcoholism or have been previously hurt by someone with a drinking problem or while drinking, then I dont understand why you are so upset.
@VeganGlam - it's funny, I feel like it had the opposite effect on me. Did someone else mention alcoholic family members? Having seen what alcoholism looks like in my grandfather as well as a few others, I feel certain that the drinking I do is not alcoholism, nor would I let myself get there.
Yes, we got off topic. But I do feel like it was strongly implied that anyone who gets drunk is behaving like an alcoholic, and I simply do not believe that is true.
Not everyone who is drunk "can't find the floor" - there is something between slightly tipsy and wasted.
I think there are several things to consider here.
1) Don't hang out with him when he drinks. Or leave when the fourth round comes out. By doing that, you are both sparing your own feelings, and letting him know, we have now embarked onto something that excludes me from the fun, I am leaving.
2) Keep in mind that one of the symptoms of alcohol use is the inability to guage level of inebriation. His denial is less a character flaw, more an aspect of the drinking. This is not something you can argue about when he is drunk.
3) Binge drinking levels out as you age. Personally, I enjoy alcholic beverages very much. I enjoy wine, I enjoy micro-brews, I love a good cocktail, etc. But I also enjoy having a paycheck, and I cannot drink to inebriation as I did in school and still have my job. And at the ripe old age of 27, if I drink to much on a Friday, I won't recover until Monday. Things change, people mellow out. I still enjoy the things I used to, but in smaller quantities and at higher quality.
I feel the exact same way (going on my soap box)! I find it incredibly hard to be around people that have definitely had too much. I go to a college where everyone gets slammed thursday, friday, and saturday night...people talk about blacking out, hooking up, and being rude to friends like its a badge of honor. People here have not only gotten so drunk that they passed out all night in an alley and ended up losing body parts to frost bite, but there are all sorts of assaults and I believe there have been two murders since I've been here in which atleast one party was drunk.
It annoys me that college students do this and everyone wants to say..its okay, they're young, they'll grow out of it, they're just having a little bit of fun, ect. Be responsible for yourself! You can't if you're sloshed.
Whew...
For your situation I think its absolutely worth talking to him about it and standing up for your feelings...especially if he says or does hurtful things. I do not think you are overreacting.
Veganglam: only one person mentioned a history of alcoholism, its awful presumptuous to assume that everyone that shares an opinion different from you has had that experience and that's the basis for their opinion
You are asking for your fiance to understand that it hurts you to see him totally wasted while he is totally wasted. The whole problem with being wasted is that you aren't thinking and acting properly. If his occasional drinking is something that you have reconciled yourself to, then you need to not be around him when he drinks like that. Otherwise, you really aren't okay with it, and you need to have a conversation about it when he is sober.
@LadyJDAG
Can I ask you something? How are you with drinking? Do you like it? Do you drink?
The reason I ask is because my husband, he drinks way more than me. I used to drink here and there and honestly it got old. I don't have to drink anymore. I drink a pina colada here and there if they have it. I sometimes drink it if I had a hard days work. Other than that I don't need to drink. I could go a month without drinking.
DH on the otherhand, drinks all the time. He needs a beer when he gets home and it's a few glsses. If its not beer, he's drinking glasses of wine and then sometimes it's manhattens.
We used to go out to bars with his friends a lot. I went just to hang out but then it got boring for me because they would go sit at a booth and sit and drink. I like going to bars with my girl friends and I like to dance and drink.
So I stopped having that urge to go to the bar.
Can I also ask you how old you two are?
I know when I was in college, I drank a lot too and I know my husband did too. Luckily, I grew out of that phase but the husband continues to drink. (Also, there's nothing wrong with an occasional drink. There is a problem when it's excessive drinking)
I might be able to give you advice if I knew these answers.
Good luck.
EDIT: Also, I think we need to be sensitive to the OP. We don't know her history. Also, we don't know his.
I know for me another reason why I don't drink is because when I was little my father would get drunk a lot and he was the only one who could drive us home. I would lay in the back seat (half asleep) praying to god I would get home alright. I don't have a problem with people who drink as long as it's in moderation. (Well, the other excuse is if your in college. I know if and when I have kids, I will be terrified that my kids will be drinking that much in college. But what can i do. It's college).
Also, I would use the word alcholism lightly. Yes, depending on age, you might want to look up the symptoms of alcoholism but I'm not going to say the the OP's fiance is a alcoholic. I don't know everything.
Bamboo: My comment wasn't just directed towards people in this thread, it was about people with that attitude towards drinking in general. My mother is one person of this sort. I've encountered others like her. Only one person in this thread has explicitly stated that their opinion of drinking derived from their experience with an alcoholic, but it may be the case for more than one person in this thread since no one else has said anything to the contrary.
I transferred to my current school from a large state university where all of social life depended on getting blackout-drunk almost every day of the week, much like yours sounds, Bamboo. I found that pathetic, and would definitely label that as mass alcoholism. Those people didn't feel like they could have a good time or go a week without drinking. My attitude towards drinking at that point sounds more like yours. It was hard for me to see how people could get drunk and not be outrageously irresponsible about it, even though I'd been drinking since age fourteen and had never had a problem.
When I transferred schools, I saw how naive I was being. The drinking culture here is very different. Yes, some people have problems, but mostly, we're all just a bunch over-worked, stressed out young people who enjoy the opportunity to act ridiculous occasionally on weekends, because we're too serious with our noses in our books and other important committment during the week. Few people get sick or hurt themselves or others. Drinking is fun, not a necessity. As lilyfaith said, there's a difference between "so drunk that you can't find the floor" and just intoxicated to the point of silliness. It's not like anything more than one drink destroys you.
Just to clarify, though, it wasn't a negative opinion of drinking, and it's not my whole opinion - that came from personal experience. I do know a lot of people who don't drink at all because their parents were alcoholics, though, so I see where you're coming from.
I don't really drink but I always feel awkward when people get flat out drunk. I almost feel a little embarrased for them but i dont have a problem with them drinking UNLESS it becomes a constant issue (like every weekend is a little excessive). I'm stressed ALL THE TIME (helloooooo nursing school, wedding planning AND a fiance in the military) but I dont feel the need to go and get wasted (but that's cool if you want to.) My main thing is since im usually the DD (I Dont ask to be it just happens by default) I get a little annoyed when I have to take care of them. I cant just leave them ya know. I can understand where your coming from because I have felt that way before, but thats something that your gonna have to work on yourself ya know? Just step back and say "Ok I know he's drunk, but its going to be ok, he's just having a little fun."
This is not a debate about whether or not alcohol is okay. The point is, you and your fiance have to come to an agreement about what you're comfortable with. Unless of course, you just needed a vent, and it's over, and you're done...in that case, feel better!
I agree. This shouldn't be a debate on whether alcohol is right or wrong. The OP feels the way she feels and that's it. You should let him know you don't like it when he drinks. If he says he'll try to keep it under control but gets carried away sometimes, I think, OP, you have to accept it. My friend is not OK with drinking and her boyfriend used to go to parties behind her back and drink with his buddies. While there was an element of her trying to control him there (she told him "YOU CANNOT DRINK"), she was totally not accepting of his lifestyle and he would lash out by going behind her back. This led to lots of fights about it and eventually they broke up. OP, talk to your FH. If he is willing to cut back for you and does, you've got a keeper. If he says he likes to drink to the point of drunk (and personally, FH and I get drunk from time to time, about once a month so I can't tell you that that's wrong) then you have to accept that he is not willing to change his attitude about that. If you REALLY can't accept his drinking at that point, I think you should reevaluate the relationship so it doesn't become a problem in the future. Alcohol is a serious issue that effects families lives all the time.
Ohhhh and also, I agree with monitajb that people do mellow out. I don't mean to sound like an old lady, like "back in my day...." but really, I used to party hard. I am the last person my friends thought would be only an occasional drinker. I think I was an alcoholic in my sorority and college days. But you do mellow out once you get older, I'm 24 now and I'm already over it, although I do like to have a little fun now and then. Just a little food for thought, a little encouragement (I hope!)
@lilyfaith - True, there are degrees of intoxication. My reference to people who can't find the floor was due to the OP's specific description of her FI as "wasted." Charmingly tipsy is one thing, but it seems as though the state she's referencing is well beyond that, and folks are getting hung up on the idea that she's somehow opposed to a few glasses of scotch now and again.
@teaandtoast - I know, I honestly didn't mind your post, because I think you did distinguish between the two. The reason I strayed off topic had more to do with the blatant misuse of alcoholism and the misconception that any drinking beyond tipsy is shameful and wrong. I don't usually like to stray from OP's topics, but I just felt like that was a bit extreme. Of course, we're all entitled to our own opinions, but alcoholism is a topic that hits very close to home with me for both the reasons I have shared, and reasons I have not.
Hey Everyone,
So sorry, I feel like I wrote my post and then abandoned the thread! Truth is, I got home from work and had a ton of stuff to do. Sorry! But now, there are so many interesting responses to read! I'm getting through them all slowly, but let me respond for now:
I understand that many people find a release in the occasional bout of drunkenness. I'm not going to fault any of you for that, once you're responsible (and I believe many people are). The key, in my opinion, is to be aware that you are always accountable for what you do when you're under the influence. Once you have that worked out, have fun in whatever way you enjoy most, I say.
My vent came from my personal experience of witnessing my fiance intoxicated. He's in a frat, so yes, I know very well that alcohol is a big part of the culture. Don't think I don't. To clarify: He is a responsible guy, but he's under the mistaken impression that his alcohol tolerance is higher than most people's. He honestly has no idea how much he changes once he's had a few drinks, and if I ever say anything like, "Are you okay?" or "Perhaps you should take a break?" he takes offense, because in his mind, he's totally sober.
NOW, if he were just a goofier version of himself while drinking, I'd have no problem. But that's not the case. He gets sloppy, wobbly, glazed over, and honestly, he turns into kind of a jerk. No physical abuse going on here, but he says things to me that he never does when he's sober, and then denies them later because he can't remember them. Examples: "Honestly, I love my fraternity more than I will ever love you" and "I guess once we're married, I'll just be subject to your will." These comments usually come after I say something about the fact that I think he's drinking too much or too fast. I don't know if I'd call it verbal abuse, but in any case, it's unpleasant and uncalled for. Trust me, I try to be as nice and non-condescending as possible when I approach him. It backfires anyway.
Another thing that scares me is that alcoholism runs in his family. The sort of situations that led to years and years of domestic abuse. I feel like, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't tempt fate, you know? I'm not saying he's an alcoholic now. I just don't want that to be the case down the road. Whether or not he's setting himself up for that, seeing him drunk ignites the fear in me.
The last factor I'll mention for now is that I grew up in a culture where alcohol really wasn't a necessity in social situations. Then I came to college in the US, and suddenly, I'm surrounded by this new culture that says that drinking is the norm, and bingeing is just something that happens now and then. It's been six years, and I still can't quite get used to that. If I drink, it's usually because I really like the taste of whatever I'm drinking (wine, for example).
I promise to check back and write more soon. In the meantime, thank you all for your insights, and I hope I haven't caused any hard feelings between those of you who have differing opinions.
LadyJDAG,
I'm a 100% with you that alcohol is no excuse and doesn't absolve you of responsibility for what you say and do. And it's understandable that his family history is worrying. I think his refusal to believe you when you tell him what he said to you while drunk is very upsetting.
My impression from your OP was that him being drunk in and of itself caused you pain not the way he was acting.
I would have a serious talk with him while sober and I would start leaving the area immediately when you're worried he's had too much. Don't ask him if he's okay or if he's drinking too much, just leave (without seeming angry). You have to take care of yourself and if he can't be respectful when he's drinking too much you have to get away from him.
I don't agree with others that not being able to tell how drunk you are is part of being drunk, i'm always more or less aware of my own state. Of course different people are different so who knows but he is not being fair.
Yikes, if he says things like that when he is drunk I'd be mad too! To be honest, I used to do things like to that my fiance when I was drunk too. The next day he always forgave me. I would always feel super guilty too. The only way that mess stopped was that I stopped drinking so much (like I said, once a month). I stopped myself, he never asked me. If he doesn't believe that he says nasty things to you when he's drunk. maybe you should tape him! His behavior is very mean and he needs to realize it.
It sounds to me like something a lot of young college people do. I can't stand drunk people and I don't have to deal with it too much anymore not being in my 20s or 30s anymore! Good luck.
At first I thought that you were overreacting, but after reading your second post it sounds like this might be something you need to talk to your fiance about. Have you tried discussing your feelings with him when he's sober and not drinking at all? Maybe if you explain to him how he treats you when he's drunk and how uncomfortable it makes you, he will realize that maybe he changes more than he thinks he does when he is drunk. Talking to him while he's already drunk may just prove to be pointless, because it sounds like he gets defensive and doesn't realize how drunk he actually is. Having this conversation away from any alcohol at all may help you make more progress.
On another note, not necessarily related to the original post, I feel like a lot of people posting here aren't recognizing that there is a difference between being drunk and being completely wasted. Many people have made blanket statements about people who drink as people who have random hookups, black out, and do really stupid things. However, it's possible to go beyond "tipsy" into actually being drunk but still being in control of your body. It's entirely possible to drink to a point of being drunk but still remember everything and still make good decisions. Sure, you might be a little more likely to hop up on the stage for some off-key karaoke, but that isn't really a life altering choice, is it?
I just wanted to throw that out there because it seems like there has been a lot of judgement going on here - just because you choose to refrain from drinking more than one or two drinks, that does not mean that the people who drink more are immature or irresponsible. Please keep that in mind.
I have to say, I can understnad what the OP is saying. I am a retired "party girl" though, and one day I just got sick and tired of drinking. I rarely have a drink (mayyybe twice a year?). It's just not my thing anymore. BUT, FI does like to drink (some) on the weekends and it's our biggest source of conflict. I just hate the way alcohol makes him act. Someone said it perfectly--there is nothing more annoying to a sober person, than watching a drunk person! I think it's about acceptance and adapting. If you know that FI is drinking within reason, just let him relax however he sees fit. Find something else to do when he drinks!
UPDATE:
Coincidentally, yesterday we met with our priest to discuss the results of our FOCCUS exam (For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a litmus test of sorts, that consists of a series of relationship related questions that you answer individually. The results are recorded, compared, and if there are any discrepancies, the priest discusses them with both of you before the wedding.)
One of the issues, no surprise, was about my fears of alcohol and its prevalence in my fiance's life as a fraternity member. The three of us discussed it at length, and it went over really well. My fiance didn't even argue with me! Afterwards, I asked my fiance if he was upset that I voiced my fears the way I did, and he said, "Absolutely not." He promised that he would always but his duties as a husband first, and I told him that I didn't want to keep him from his friend. I just want to be in the know if he's going to an event, and I asked him to just be careful about how much he consumes. I could tell that my concerns resonated with him this time around (maybe it was because we were talking to our priest, who knows), but I feel much better about everything. I know we'll probably deal with the issue again, but I'm anticipating that it will be much more civil in the future.
Thank you all for your insight and great advice. Thank goodness for weddingbee, because there's really nobody else I could have spoken to about this who wouldn't have staged a campaign to cancel the wedding because of it!
LadyJDAG
If you need to talk PM me. My husband's family has a history of addiction in his family. My husband's father was an addicted gambler. His grandfather was an alcoholic. His family thinks that my husband has a good chance of becoming an alcoholic. Which is why I am a bit critical of him when he drinks. What I don't understand is his family knows that addiction runs in his family but yet they are a family that i would never see refuse a drink. It's scary to me that his mom says this but yet doesn't help the the situation. Maybe his family doesn't think it will happen. Could his family be an enabler? I don't know.
Anyway, if you need to talk PM me.
I'm glad your FI took it well when you guys talked to the priest. When does he get out of school? Is it soon? You might also want to have a sincere talk about your fears of him becoming an alcoholic.
I do feel bad that I'm trying to limit my husbands drinking and sometimes I feel like I'm not letting him have fun by limiting the drinks he has but I think there's a difference betweeen regular people who don't have addiction in their family versus ours where alcoholism could be a risk.
I'm really glad to hear your talk with your FI went well and that there was some real constructive communication there. Like others have said, it's pointless to try to talk about it when he has been drinking. In that situation it's very possible that he feels like you are being judgmental of him and ruining his good time and so he lashes out. Really you're just concerned, but there's a fine line between concern and judgment sometimes especially depending on how things are phrased or the attitude you have when you say things. Anyway, I'm happy you're able to talk about these things open honestly and sober!
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