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"FI thinks there will be so many things going on that day I won't even notice. " -- I think there is truth to that, esp if hes trying to be all nice to you.. he wont cause you any problems the day of so u wont notice.
I really appreciate it when children respect the values of their parents, and coming from an immigrant family with parents who are old fashioned, i understand where they are coming from.
One day you may make up with your brother (as impossible as that sounds now) and you will regret that he wasnt there. I have had arguments with my siblings in my adulthood and let me tell you they werent pretty.. months of not speaking under the same roof.. but we eventually got over it.. because many many years down the line, you will want and need them in your life.
Wish you luck babe
Wow that really sucks that you have to have such a sucky relationship with a family member and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this drama surrounding such a happy day in your life. With that said, I know I have read on a few post where the Bee had an uninvited or unwanted guest come to their wedding and while they were mad about it for the moment, that moment didn't last. As your FI says you REALLY will be so overwhelmed and bombarded with so many other things that you may just not notice him. And in the case that you do, treat it as if it's another day, remove yourself from the situation and ignore him. Don't let your obnoxious brother ruin one of the best days of your life and don't tear your family apart in trying to keep him out. Besides what would you do hire security? I say don't stress and enjoy your day.
I feel for you.. To tell you the truth, your brother's presence or absence will affect you on your wedding day anyway, if you let it. If he doesn't come, you will likely feel the tension from your family on your wedding day. It migh be pretty hard to ignore. I think you should let him come and just forget about him. This might cause the least amount of stress for you, than to have to think about your family's objections to his absence on your wedding day.
@Olive12: What a crappy situation to be in. I am in the same situation and I chose not to invite my sister.
That being said my family and extended family are fully aware of our past so all though it will shock some people, when they think about it they should understand.
I get what you mean about losing face as your part Asian. It is really hard because your parents will really feel the outlash that will happen should they have to explain why he isnt there.
He could always feign a gastro bug - thats if you get your parents to tell him he has too.
Or speak to him and say you will invite him but he is to be a ghost around you the whole night. He owes you that at least.
good luck, either way its not going to be an easy decision.
You should probably have him come and ignore him. I think your FI is right. You will so busy otherwise and you probably won't even think to ignore him. He has not bothered you on the occasions you have run into him. I doubt he will cause drama at the wedding. Think of him as a wedding crasher you don't know. Yes, he'll be eating and drinking at your expense but no real harm. It isn't worth the family drama.
I understand how you feel and I was in the exact same situation pretty much. I couldn't very well say no as if I wouldnt invite my brother my dad would be so mad he prob wouldn't have gone either. So it wasn't even really up for debate. About all the things a bride should be worried about I was worried about the only thig I shouldn't be worried about which was my brother and his behavior.
I was so incredibly lucky that he didn't do anyting such as drink and throw beer bottles at my head or go into an uncontrolable rage. And I did spend the day ignoring him as much as possible. I'm glad he was there for my dad's sake but yeah the strees worrying about him at the wedding was hell.
So I hope for a more stress free time for you.
I feel for you and don't know what advice to give. I am in a similar situation with FFIL. I asked FI if he wants him at the wedding, and the answer was a huge NO, thank god. If he had said yes I would likely be in councilling now trying to figure out how to deal with that man.
In the end, if you decide to have your brother there, you might want to see a counciller to deal with strategies on how to cope with having him there, because I'm sure you will have some strong emotions. A councillor also might be able to go into your situation much futher and help you to make the best choice you can. In this situation, there will be no one answer that appeases everyone.
Good luck!
I'm in a similar situation, but thankfully my parents understand. My brother is a complete waste of human space, and he is not invited to my wedding, or to my house, and if he shows up at a house of a family member when I am there, I leave. I take it to extremes, but like I said, my family is supportive. I've told them all that if they show up with him at my wedding, my FI and I will call the cops and have him arrested (he's wanted). So they know better than to do that.
That said- if my family WAS upset that my brother wasn't invited, AND he wasn't a wanted criminal, I don't know what I'd do. I would probably start working on being OK with it now, especially if he's not trying to be an ass, and hope and pray that he won't try to be an ass that day. Of course, it's up to you, and it's your day.
@Olive12: Can your FH, as your protector, have a man to man talk with him and explain to him he is invited to the wedding but he had better stay away from you and not talk to you the whole day? Also let him know the bridal party and bach party list have been decided.
If you invite him, you have to take family photos. Do you want him in them?
I would also talk to your parents and basically tell them you are doing them a favor and what will they do in return. I'm kinda snarky and what your brother did was terrible.
kinda in same boat. but brother hasnt phyiscally hurt me since i was ten . we avoid eachother like plague for the last two years.. he will be invited to wedding only- --also asian--its out of respect for parents...but i wont talk to him, i doubt he will even come.
I feel like the burden of an excuse should fall on your family and brother if they want to save face-- you are not the one taking honor away from your family, your brother took that honor away when he hit you.
I would never invite him to my wedding and I'd tell them if they wanted a reason, they could come up with him having work or getting "suddenly sick" or something like that.
Sure, someday you might make up with him, but I don't think I'd ever regret not including someone who had abused me.
Is there any way you can just have him come to the ceremony and not the reception? That way people will see him, and then make an excuse like he got sick or had to leave, etc.
Otherwise, I would NOT invite him. I realize you want to prevent your parents from losing face, but it's not your job anymore. You are going to be a married woman, with your own family and household. You are not a little girl under your parents' rule anymore, and I think you need to stand up for yourself if you truly do not want him there.
I'm in the same situation, but with my FSIL. There are no cultural expectations for us, so I'm really hoping she does not come. In your situation, though, it might be best for your to invite your brother and just ignore him. It is sad that your parents defend your brother's abusive nature (if he did that to you, he WILL do that to other women) because they care so much what other people think of them. I feel bad for you and I really hope everything turns out smoothly and that he does not affect your beautiful day :)
@bookworm88: "I feel like the burden of an excuse should fall on your family and brother if they want to save face-- you are not the one taking honor away from your family, your brother took that honor away when he hit you."
I agree so hard. I feel like your parents are preserving their "honor" in the eyes of the community at the expense of their daughter who was physically abused. Cultural or not, that is wrong. Besides, the only person who really lost honor here is your brother.
I do not think you should have to put up with that. I agree with Bookworm, they should just make up some excuse for his not being there if they want to preserve their honor so much. You should not have to put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable so that your parents can pretend to have perfect children.
From the bottom of my heart I hope you don't even consider it longer. it's your special day and that's to much of a risk to take, you can make up another day.
I also have a brother who has been a thorn in my family's side for a long time. He also abused me when we were growing up, and now he only comes around when he needs money.
I am lucky in that my parents are basically on the same page as me, and I think there were a lot of feelings of relief when I decided he wasn't invited. He is not only a horrible person to me and a few of my family members, but he is also an alcoholic, with bipolar, who would take advantage of my open bar, and then cause a lot of drama.
I think there is no excuse to cover up any violence. It is YOUR wedding, and you should do what makes you happy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't believe that PPs are suggesting you invite him. He punched you in the face and that is never okay. I agree with bookworm88 and deathbydesign wholeheartedly and really hope you do what's best for you. Your parents are adults and can handle the situation however they choose but you should not entertain the idea of inviting your brother any longer.
I didn't invite my brother to my wedding. Best decision I ever made. I also chose not to invite an Aunt because of some drama with my father. People were pised, but I made the decision based on my feelings. That day my feelings and my DH's were the only ones that mattered.
I would probably invite him, unless you think there is a real risk of him causing drama/assaulting someone on the day of your wedding. I wouldn't do it for the sake of the parents or to save face-- because I don't really care about that. But I would do it just because it sounds like that is the least-drama option and I wanted my wedding to be as drama-free as possible. So I wouldn't be doing it for him, I'd be doing it for me so I didn't have to hear people bitch at me. It isn't right, but from a practical standpoint, that is what I would do.
And I did actually invite three people to my wedding who were family members that I did not want to invite. They hadn't done anything to me personally but I had personal reasons for not wanting them to attend. But again-- due to potential drama I just let them come, then avoided them. On your wedding day it is so busy and there are so many people that you have to make an effort to talk to someone-- avoiding a person is super easy.
@CorgiTales: I disagree. How does she know if there's a real risk or not? No one goes to Thanksgiving dinner thinking there's a real risk their brother will punch them.
Thank you for all the advice and input everyone has given me. The support of WeddingBee and everyone here means so much to me during this time. If it wasn't for all you great Bees, I don't think I could have made it through everything, especially with my family. I'm sorry to see that so many of you are going through/have been through similar experiences like me but I am grateful bc I know you guys understand. I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier. I wanted to make sure of my decision before I reposted.
I would love nothing more to never see my brother again. We will never make amends. It really bothers me that my wedding day is marred by his ugly presence even I may not notice him there. I will, however, see him in the family portraits and the presentation of the family members at the reception. I doubt he will just attend quietly and stay in the background. His nature is the type to put on a show in front of others so I know he will be trying to "live" it up with my friends and associates. It just leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. So I understand the Bees' positions who say to disinvite my brother. The only factor holding me back are my parents, most importantly my father (I don't have much of a relationship with my mother--she's one of the people who will defend my brother's actions until the day she dies). My father is suffering from liver disease, and we don't know how much longer he will live. I would hate to think, with his declining health, in all this I disappointed him bc I know what he expects of me as a daughter. I don't want him to think that he failed in raising a disrespectful daughter. I know it sounds dated and traditional, but it kills me to think that this would make a lasting impression on him if he were to pass. =**( And this is the ONLY reason why I decided to let my brother attend my wedding.
However, I decided to ask my FI to speak to my brother and make him aware that I am only doing so out of respect for my parents. I don't have any real fear that my brother will attack me at the wedding. He is a coward and only tries to pick on people he thinks are weaker than him. With my FI there and so many people my brother tries to impress, I don't think he will try to pull any stunts. At least that's what I hope. To make the situation more bearable, I have decided I will not invite him to any other the wedding events such as the rehearsal, pre-wedding party, after party, or the next day brunch and make sure that my friends and other siblings know he is not welcomed.
Thank you all again for your support.
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Sorry this is really long.
Some background: My brother and I have never gotten along. Two Thanksgivings ago, we got into an argument that become violent when he shoved me down twice and punched me in the face. I did not lay a hand on him. I ended up calling the cops but dropped the charges bc my father and siblings asked me to. My father, who is not in the best of health, and has never asked anything of me before so I did what he asked though as much as I hated to do so. Trust me, if my father was not alive, I'd be seeking the full extent of punishment under the law. After this occurred, I left the house I was sharing with my siblings, including my brother, and moved in with my boyfriend (now FI) three states away. Before I moved, I told my brother that I thought he was a horrible excuse of a human being, and I never want to have anything to do with him again. Words that I mean to the very fiber of my core.
Fast track to a couple of weeks ago, I ended up moving back to Houston bc of work and so it could be easier planning the wedding since this is where it will take place. Bc my sisters/BMs (who are helping hugely with the wedding prep) still live with my brother, and he and I have mutual friends, it's impossible to fully avoid him. At times I do see him, I just ignore him completely. However, the last couple of times I have seen him, he has been trying to engage me in conversation especially when it comes to my wedding. I just don't respond to him. A couple of days ago, some of my friends (who know of the situation) called me bc they ran into him at a restaurant where his last words to them were along the lines of, "I'll see you at Olive's wedding!" Today my FI tells me that my BIL, who is very close to my FI, called him and informed him that my brother is expecting to go to my FI's bachelor party. WTH?! Naturally I called my sisters and told them how upset I was because that I thought it would be understood that he was not welcome at the wedding as my FI and I both hate him. My sisters told me that I couldn't exclude him from my wedding bc my parents and extended family (who do not know of the assault) would expect him to be there. His absence would raise questions, and it would cause my parents to lose "face" if the reason why he was absent came out. I'm Asian-American, and losing face for my parents in our culture is a big, big deal. My FI, who is worried about the potential family drama this may cause, thinks we should allow him to come to the wedding and ignore him. FI thinks there will be so many things going on that day I won't even notice.
Some days I think I can ignore the fact he is coming to my wedding for the sake of peace in the family, and some days I get sick to my stomach of the idea of having him there at my special day, eating the food and drinking the alcohol I pay for and schmoozing with my friends. I don't know what to do!!! With the wedding coming closer and closer, it's driving me insane.
Is it worth risking the family drama (which there will be a sh*t ton of) and explicitly tell him he is not welcome or should I just suck it up? =(