I hate my nephew because i resent my brother… How do i get passed this?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

@Anonnybee483:  

I am so incredibly sorry for all you have gone through! It sounds like you are doing well for the most part but there is no way you could get through that kind of childhood unscathed. I would like to suggest counseling if you don’t already do that. i have a history of sexual abuse as well and it has helped me immensely.

I can see why you would resent this child who is now getting all the love and attention you have craved for years but my first thought is fear for this new child. Your brother clearly has no sense of right and wrong and if he can do these things to his little sister what will stop him from doing them to his child?

Your brother knows the things he has done and I think you are in your right to not invite them.  When people get upset just tell them that your brother knows the reasons and he can share them if he wishes.

Honestly, i have no idea what i would do in your shoes. i do highly reccomend some serious counseling though

 

Post # 4
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Im so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. My sugestions would be to see help, talk to a therapist And to cut ties with him, at the very least. I’ve gone through similar things in my life, which I won’t share here, but if you want to talk, send me a message. 

I’ll be thimking of you and sending hugs from afar.

Post # 5
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Wow, I’m so sorry. I think seeking therapy is your only answer. Your brother is a terrible person and I completely understand why you are taking out all of your resentment towards him and his new family.

I hope you dont get offended but your parents need some serious help. They pretended to be blind to the abuse going on in front of them. They should be ashamed of themselves. How could they ignore and brush off what you had been telling them?

Personally, I would seek therapy and ask your family to go as well. If they refuse I would cut ties with them. This is your family – they are supposed to protect and love you and they clearly have never done that for you. I know your newborn is an innocent little baby, but you need to do what is best for you. Learn how to not have hatred towards him by getting help.

 

Post # 6
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

You need to be in serious counseling! Of course you hate your brother! Of course you are angry at your parents! Of course you don’t want to meet this Golden Child Nephew/spawn of your evil brother!

Your family is very seriously dysfunctional. That being said, there is probably very little you can do to break their level of denial. If you don’t want to cut ties with your parents, that’s understandable (so would cutting ties), but you do need to sort out a way to have them in your life without it causing you to live in a place of anger and bitterness. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry and bitter, because you SHOULD; but you don’t want that to be your whole life.

Please please get yourself a good therapist. You are the survivor of years of torment with the added injury of not being believed by the people who should have been protecting you. Do you not see how intense that is? You deserve to be listened to. You do not deserve to feel marginalized.

Long-distance hugs, girl!

 

Post # 7
Member
998 posts
Busy bee

When I clicked on this thread, I did so because I thought this reminded me of my troubled relationship with my niece. I was partially right – like you still struggle with your nephew’s birth, I still have problems with the circumstances surrounding my niece’s birth, and we both have some projecting of our feelings toward their parents going on.

But that resentment of my niece and my sister doesn’t even hold a candle from all the pain that you posted about. Your brother abused you in so many terrible ways. In these sorts of situations, therapy is the answer. I’d also suggest cutting ties with those parents of yours, who let your brother get away with all of that.

Big hugs to you –  with enough counseling, you’ll be okay. 🙂

 

Post # 8
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Anonnybee483:  Does your brother’s wife know about this? I think it’s worth her knowing for the safety of her child. Could you tell social services? I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened to you.

Post # 9
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

This sucks. I hope you have looked into counseling. Your mind did a lot of things to survive, and without proper counseling, it is hard to get your mind out of “survival mode.”

As for having them in the wedding party, don’t. I assume your mom wants your brother to be a groomsman, but the groom picks his attendants, not the bride, and certainly not the MIL. As for YOUR attendants, she should not have a say. You can always go the route of no BMs, or having just a MOH. Ask your friends that you WOULD want to be you BMs if they will be your VIPs and get ready with you the day of the wedding, maybe come early and get in some pictures, and such. I would certainly put your foot down on having your borther or SIL in the wedding party. Have your brother seat your mom during the processional and do a reading if you need to involve him somehow.

As for the baby, I am not sure how they expect a less than 2-year-old to be in a wedding. He can wear a cute suit and be in the family pics, but really, he can’t be trusted to walk down and aisle and behave. He is a baby, and shouldn’t have “responsibilities” at your wedding. If you want to give your mother a “win,” I would make him a RB. All that means is he gets his name in the program. You could also have your SIL walk him down the aisle, giving her a “special part” without making her a BM.

Post # 10
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

There are tons and tons of issues to wade through here. I initially thought this was going to be one of those petty “My brother is mean to me sometimes, so I don’t like my nephew” posts. This post is far, far, far worse than what I would have imagined from the title alone. 

My first guess here – without professional training – is narcissism. At the very least, one narcissistic parent and your brother cast as the golden child (you, obviously, being the scapegoat). An NP will often project glowing feelings about themselves; how great they are, etc., and tend to push that energy toward one of their “special” children too. More often than not, if this is the mother, the golden kid’s one or more sons and the scapegoat is one or more daughters.

Your mom denied your most basic needs as you were growing up. It would never dawn on me to repeatedly deny a loved one’s assertions they’re being abused, especially after they get a freakin’ scan and there’s tangible evidence of it. OP, I get the impression she would have said you had it coming had she walked in and seen him beating the crap out of you. The woman’s that far steeped in denial. And to be honest with you, I have to honestly wonder if she’s in true denial – or if she just wants to let him get away with it. 

It is appalling when the people who should be protecting you shrug their shoulders and “meh” their way through someone’s pain. It’s a great thing that your brother and his family, at least, live far away from you (or is that just from your parents?). 

I don’t think you’re obligated to like your nephew. You’re right – it’s not fair to displace your feelings about your brother onto your nephew. This poor child has someone with demonstrated abusive tendencies as his father – his life probably is not going to go that well. If your sister-in-law knows about all of this stuff, I’d be horrified to find she still went through with a marriage and having a baby with him.

But, then again, narcissists can be very cunning and they can hide or shadow their faults to those closest to them. If it’s come up, I’m sure he had some spin. 

That said, therapy is certainly advised. I know even some basic insurance plans will offer up to 6 sessions a year for free. Are you in college, by any chance? Look into the health or counseling services available there, if you are.

Is there any way you can ‘distance’ yourself more from your family – maybe not talk to them for a while? This has certainly been a very toxic environment for you to grow up in, OP. I think distance could do you well.

As others are saying, if you choose to notify the SIL about your brother’s background, be prepared for a blowout in the family unlike any other. At that point, you’d almost certainly have to sever ties – for your own sanity. The likely scenario, because your entire family has painted YOU as the kooky liar, is that your SIL will fire back, “Your parents and brother say that’s not true!” This is not a ridiculous assertion for someone with her knowledge to make, after all; it’s also often a knee-jerk reaction when you realized you’ve had kids with someone capable of doing such things. 

She then notifies your family about your assertions. They all turn on you and get chummier than ever with each other. But if nothing else, maybe this would plant a seed in your sister-in-law’s head – that she needs to get out. Of course, with the burden of proof on her shoulders for a long-ago crime (if he doesn’t start abusing your nephew), there’s a good chance your brother might still be heavily involved in the kids’ life anyway.

But, I don’t think it’s your burden or responsibility to do so. I feel sorry for your brother’s son and any future children he has, but it’s not your burden or job to inject yourself into the situation and try to intervene based on what you went through. If you *ever* suspect they’re being abused, I think it’s fair to report him to CPS (although, if it were me, I’d probably report him now – even if I had little to go on in the present – just on the off chance they catch something). 

But please – take care of yourself. And don’t feel guilty for despising your nephew – it’s a normal feeling given the circumstances.

Post # 11
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Anonnybee483:  Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You seem to be handling it better than I ever would.  The thing that really bugs me about your post is that your mom expects your abuser to be in your wedding party? Sorry but that is totally screwed up.  Not only should he not be in the party, he shouldn’t be at the wedding! If I was you and I wanted any future relationship with my parents I would probably confront them about the abuse that happened in the past, get them to admit they were wrong and never protected you, and apologize (if that’s even enough). If they couldn’t do that I don’t think they’d be in my life either.  And I’m generally someone who is all about keeping relationships. 

My heart really hurts for you. 

Post # 12
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Please do not allow them to be in your wedding party.  You have had to deal with hell and having them stand by you on YOUR day will dampen things.  You will also have them in all your pictures and that will taint them as well.  Seek out some help from a counselor.

Post # 13
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Anonnybee483:  First off, I want to give you a major virtual hug! Seriously, if I could reach through the screen and hug you I would.

Secondly, I hope you listen to other Bee’s when they suggest you – at the very least – seek counseling. There is a lot of anger and resentment in this post that I think you need to work through in a healthy and safe environment. It isn’t fair to you or your FI to have to constantly live with those types of emotions.

Thirdly, do NOT allow your brother and his family to be in your wedding. In fact, I wouldn’t even invite them. I feel bad saying that because, like you said, what happened isn’t your SIL or nephew’s fault. . . but having them in the wedding or attending as guests will dredge up all those bad memories for you and that is the last thing any Bride should have to deal with on her wedding day. If anyone asks why he isn’t there then simply say he knows why and he can share that information himself.

Fourthly, I usually restrain myself in speaking about other people’s parents. Your case is an exception. OP, your parents are first class assholes. They are horrible excuses for human beings and perfect examples of what not to do when raising children. They neglected you. They ignored you. They turned a blind eye to the fact that your brother, their son, was abusing you. They refused to listen to you and to the medical evidence right in front of their eyes. Worst of all, they failed at the most basic aspect of parenting: they failed to protect you from harm.

You owe these people nothing. If I were you, I would tell them all to f#@! off and then I would cut off contact – permanently. If they allowed these horrible things to happen to you when you were growing up what will prevent them from doing the same to your children, if you choose to have them?

As for whether or not you should inform your SIL. . . I honestly can’t help you there. I feel strongly that your brother is capable of anything and that if he did those things to you its entirely possible that he would abuse his own child and wife as well. I have a feeling his wife doesn’t know about the past abuse and, if she does, that your family might have spinned things to make him appear to be the good guy or like you were simply exagerrating.

I feel that she has the right to know who she really married and exactly what type of monsters her son will be growing up around. I’m not sure whether there is a good way of doing that though and I caution you to consider things carefully before deciding anything.

You have my deepest sympathies and I wish you all the strength in the world, no matter what you decide to do.

Post # 14
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

@Anonnybee483:   wow. i can so relate. luckily for me, my nephew’s mom is pretty amazing. although shes young and has seemed to take advantage of my parents occasionally (also didnt help my feelings towards my nephew) but she has matured, my half-brother (nephew’s dad/we just found out about him 3 years ago/scum of the earth) has walked away & i completely cut ties with him and his brother (my other half-brother/2 days younger than me) and i thank GOD I did. They were poison in our lives. My nephew seemed to be the one glimmering hope that came out of the situation, but then i felt resintment towards him for a few diff reasons. but basically, I’ve had to realize he truly is an innocent baby. He’s adorable and is a part of our family. I still struggle with being an aunt towards him, but it gets better over time.

i didnt get counseling when this whole shitshow came about, but i probably should have. if you have the means, it is a really good idea to get all of your past off your chest and learn how to move on. if your family was in a position where you could have a relationship with your nephew without having to have one with your brother (like my situation) i’d say work past your feelings & try and get close to your nephew. but that isnt the situation youre in, and considering the messed up things your brother did to you, i think its ok for you to not have a relationship with any of his family. cutting ties is one thing i had to learn to do, and i’m so glad i did it. As for your parents- you’ll have to know you and your FI are the only ones you can depend on. distance yourself from them if need be, and stand your ground when it comes to not having them in the wedding. Hell, dont even invite them to the wedding if you dont want to. I know i wont be inviting my half brothers, thats for damn sure. Put yourself first.

Post # 15
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t have much advise except for don’t invite your brother and his family to your wedding. Lots of ((Hugs))

Post # 16
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Anonnybee483:  

1) Get professional couseling.

2) Brother, SIL and child WILL NOT be at wedding. Matter of fact, feel free to leave them ALL out of your day.

3) Have a wedding without them. If you want to, write a detailed letter of EVERYTHING that happened to you, send it to parents and brother, and respectfually request they DO NOT bother you in life again.

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