I HATE my soon to be mother-in-law

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@AndysCraftsNmore:  You… started a blog about her? I think that’s going a little far, don’t you? I could see a private journal, but really.

I think being in counseling for letting go of anger toward her is a positive idea, as is limiting your contact with her.

Post # 4
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@AndysCraftsNmore:  All I’m going to say is “hate” is a after emotion of “sadness”. You don’t really hate her, she is hurting you and that makes you sad. Seek counseling, if only for yourself. 

Post # 5
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I hate my FMIL too. And like you, hate is NOT too strong a word at times.

She has vocalized that she does not want me as part of her family and on and on.

But I think you need to find a healthier way to channel this anger. Therapy might be a helpful idea.

Also, why won’t your SO tell her off? Is it because his is scared of the confrontation? or is it because he thinks you are being irrational? Maybe have a calm grown up conversation with him to get to the bottom of that. Because it is his situation to handle, not yours. You guys need to work together as a team.

Post # 6
6951 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@AndysCraftsNmore:  I’m sure she is a wretched person, but starting a blog solely to rant about your SO’s mother is not healthy behavior. I would suggest either finding a way to tolerate her or limiting your contact with her. The blog is just going to come back to bite you in the ass. 

Post # 8
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@AndysCraftsNmore:  sounds like me as if you are more upset with your FI for taking it out on you than with her actually. And if you’re not: you should really solve this issue with your FI. 

You’re not going to change her and if you only see her twice a year, be happy about that. And it’s ok for your FI to vent, but him being upset with his mum really shouldn’t cause any trouble to your relationship! You should talk to him.  

Post # 9
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

To me, it sounds like you’re more upset about how your FI treats you when there’s issue with your MIL. This much hate is unhealthy, for both of you, I would recommend counselling for yourself.

Post # 10
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am actually a bit taken aback by your post… It’s pretty heated! 

I think you need to talk to someone who doesn’t have a biased opinion on your MIL… 

If she truly does/says things to hurt you, you getting ridiciously upset with her and letting that sadness and anger turn into hate is only fueling her fire. 

Try to turn your feelings into something positive. Surrounding yourself with nothing but negative thoughts is only going to make matters worse. 



Post # 11
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@AndysCraftsNmore:  Yeah so there are some people I don’t prefer, too.  You’re not the only one.  But you might want to seek therapy.  Or just cut ties with her.  

Post # 12
1218 posts
Bumble bee

It is not worth getting upset over people you have no control over. Seriously, I learned this after about 8 years of hate for my in-laws. Now I just shake my head and walk away when things are said and basically avoid the horrible situations as much as possible.You can’t change people that dont want to change, don’t let them ruin your life.

Post # 13
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think if you give your FMIL this much power over your emotions and allow yourself to get THIS angry, you need to come up with some ways to cope with all those feelings.  Getting this upset over a bad person is a waste of your energy.  If this isn’t an issue between you and your FI, I am willing to bet it will become one.   I mean, how could you let someone you dislike so much ruin your sobriety? What a shame that would be. I would consider getting some therapy so you can learn to deal with these feelings. Look into free or low cost counseling in NJ 

Post # 14
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I think many of the others are not picking up on some serious concerns in your opening post – perhaps because of the heat and anger – but I am. Part of this is because I have firsthand experience with it, but some of your FMIL’s mannerisms scream “narcissistic personality disorder” to me. Has she always treated your FI like this, or has she been more problematic since he started dating? When it comes to NPD mothers who have sons, the anger and venom usually doesn’t get very heated until after another woman (i.e., girlfriends and wives) enter the scene. Then they begin to feel very threatened.

But – taking it from all perspectives, and this is not necessarily what I believe – is it possible there’s some truth to her anger? Have her kids stopped visiting her or do they put her off, citing that they’re spending time with their SOs? Do you make sincere efforts toward patching things up – or at least being amicable (inviting her to dinner occasionally)? I know you say that she makes most things she’s invited to miserable, but seeing as you are the only person who has this situation fully and totally in context, I can only make stabs at trying to improve the situation.

If she has ALWAYS been this way, and if your fiance isn’t willing to at least distance himself from her, that’s going to spell huge trouble for your marriage – and likely divorce years down the road (In-laws are a commonly cited reason!). Think about how you approach him when she does something that upsets you – it’s not uncommon for a man to feel threatened when he feels his other half is attacking his family. That can become even more pronounced in children who have (potential) NPD parents; they’re afraid of standing up to and challenging the parent.

But you have to decide something quick: if you can both agree to limit your time with her (say, one lunch outing every 2 months, seeing her only on half the holidays a year), that may take a lot of the strain off of your relationship. I would suggest couples’ counseling so you can both learn how to tackle this situation together (without tearing into one another).

This is also the time to accept that you are likely never going to have a close relationship with your mother-in-law, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think many women have a preoccupation with changing their MILs, which can feed into more resentment and anger toward her.

I wish you all the best in this very difficult situation.

Post # 15
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@AndysCraftsNmore:   you cannot expect your fi to dismiss his mother from his life, therefore, your fmil is in your life for good.


ask yourself which is greater:

a)  your love for your fi; or

b)  your hatred for your fmil


this is a case of ‘you have 2 choices’.  which do you choose?  now you must live with and learn to cope with your choice.


Post # 16
3197 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@AndysCraftsNmore:  Wow, I thought I disliked my MIL but you seem to have it bad.  Granted she sounds like a monster-in-law but no one is worth giving up your soberity.  Go back to AA and use the support of the group to deal with your anger towards her.  Plus, you need to admit at least to yourself that you are mad at your FI since he won’t stand up to her.

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