I hate obesity

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Don’t marry him. I get your concerns, and there is validity there, but describing his rear as resembling mutant cauliflower is not at all the way you should be describing the man you are about to marry.

Post # 4
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I am really sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds like your man needs to get to a doctor and a psychologist. It sounds like he is probably clinically depressed, along with his food issues. Do you think he would be open to either one?

Post # 5
Member
898 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MsW-to-MrsM:  +1

 

There are valid concerns to some of the things you have written, but to insult him in a public forum is a totally different thing. Think about how you would feel if he said that about you.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Hey girl. I don’t have a whole lot of advice, I just wanted to say that I understand where you’re coming from! Personally, I used to be the big one in the relationship and now that I have it under control, its something that I think about often. We have even discussed it, and if either one of us starts getting overweight, we’ve agreed that we WILL bring it up and start jogging or something!

Hth is so important, and as you get older, weight becomes more and more important. Express to him that you’re not ready to watch him slowly die. We have to make the most of the time we’re given. Its a hard thing to convince someone of, and he really has to decide for himself but there are ways to help a person do that! It really hard for someone who’s already gotten to the obese point but it is doable!

I hope you find some solace in your place, and some peace in your relationship. Good luck 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think her post is honest. She needs to vent somewhere – and what better place to do it than The Bee. We are usually a supportive group and the first few comments are not all that supportive or helpful. I would suggest therapy, maybe offering to work out with him – if there is a sport he use to play in HS or even elementary school – like baseball – if he was my man I would be out playing that game with him, if he will go. If he would go to see a dietician that would be a start in the right direction. I would tell my man, if he was very overweight, that he can still have “cheat” days, he doesn’t ever need to NOT eat pizza or drink beer ever again, but in moderation he can still have some. I hate the word “DIET” – I have never had to be on a diet, but have had family that has, and then they have trouble committing to the DIET. I like to call it food moderation. That means moderation in everything, even excersize (at first). I hope you are able to convince your man to get some help from a couple prefessionals, but overall you sound like you are his rock. You keep him going, and may be able to make the largest impression on him of all – or your children as well. Encourage him on any achievements towards weight loss that he makes, whether it’s eating a healthy meal, getting off the couch after only 1 show, all the little things add up. Remember he is human and will make many mistakes, my Grandmother struggled with weight her whole life, but at the end she told me it was family that meant the world to her, no one ever abandoned her or treated her any less based on her weight, she knew she was way overweight, but no one ever was mean to her about it, just encouraged her to eat in moderation. I hope he will consider your help and that you love him enough to look past the weight for now. With your help, he will get better.

Post # 8
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

OP I get where you are coming from, I truely do however do you realize you are degrading him by how you describe his body in your OP? 

Talk to him maybe see if you and him can go working out together, or go to a doctor to see what can be done. But to degrade someone like that is really not nice.

 

Post # 9
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@newbabybee:  Her post is honest; I agree. That’s why she shouldn’t marry him. His weight is an enormous issue for her ( no pun intended ), and from the info she has given, nothing is likely to change. It’s one thing to wish your SO would lose weight; it’s another to not even be married yet and feel disgusted by his body to the point that you are describing it as gruesome.

Post # 10
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

OP, I don’t really have advice because I feel any change has to be made by the person itself.

You can’t change people. Only they can. 

Have you tried to get your hubby to be more active? Some sport he still likes? I think it’s a cycle: If you’re more active – you have less desire for crappy food – you get slimmer – you can increase your activity and so on. 

Like PP have suggested: Maybe seek help with a doctor / psychologist / support group?

Post # 11
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@wifey2be:  I’m so sorry you’re going through a hard time hon.  Has a doctor or counselor been included in the conversation yet?  I strongly recommend both, obesity can be the cause of both physical and emotional disfunction, there may be a soluction for you there.  Good luck!!

Post # 12
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

He needs an appointment with the nutriologist ASAP. He should go to a therapist for his food addiction, he’s probably despressed and stressed.

You need to make him concious about his problem, i was walking the same path as your husband, i didnt get to obese, but i was 20lbs over my desired weight, DH helped me and talked to me

When i found out that 38% of my body was fat, i panicked, it was what i needed to start working out, i’ve only dropped 2% of fat but i feel so much better about myself and with a lot of energy.

He needs to know it concerns you A LOT.

Good luck 🙂

 

Post # 13
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Don’t marry him. I would tell him exactly how you feel (maybe sugar coat it a bit.. like don’t describe cauliflower), but he needs to have some sort of wakeup call.

I think many of us would love to be able to eat pizza and bacon and other goodies every single day, but we don’t. It’s called self control and he lacks it.. big time. He sounds like he hates himself.

I wouldn’t marry him until he has changed his lifestyle around for the better, and kept to it for at least a year. As you say, he needs to help himself. Things will only get worse if something isn’t done. I feel for you. It’s like he’s addicted to bad foods and you feel totally helpless. I think you need to be there to support him, but he needs to do some of this himself.

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Have you talked to him about how you feel? By the way this is a public forum, so I would suggest removing this post, because I’d be quite upset. And since you’ve had children, how would you feel if he was writing this about you while you were pregnant?? Anyway, maybe you should suggest he talk to a doctor about gastric band surgery. Maybe he eats his emotions? Maybe there’s deeper trauma?

Post # 15
Member
8917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I don’t blame you for what you wrote, OP. you need to vent and an anonymous forum is the best place. Also, I agree with you that watching my man turn into an obese, unhealthy grouch who refuses to do anything about it would certainly test my love for him. 

I think the best thing you can do is be honest with him about how this is affecting you. (Leave out the disgust / sexual dissatisfaction stuff though.) Tell him it’s making him seriously question your commitment to him and ask him to do something about it for YOUE sake if not his. 

Also, can you learn how to cook some healthy but yummy dishes? Stop buying salty fatty foods or ordering pizza/takeout. Just don’t do it and he won’t eat (as much of) it. Start going for nightly walks with the kids as a “fun family activity” instead of a workout. 

Good luck! I am so sorry, morbid obesity is (usually) a choice that someone makes and I’m so sorry he’s doing this 🙁

Post # 16
Member
2316 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Im going to post just based off the descriptions of what you stated he is feeling/ doing right now, because I think its pretty obvious that the way you are describing him (and Im sure he is aware of how you feel as well) isnt helping the situation.

 

 

 

All the behaviours of not going out, of becoming frustrated when out, struggling with being in public all cry shame to me. He feels ashamed of himself in so many ways and its really heartbreaking if he feels like he cant even be in public with his family because of being judged.

 

 

 

I think its niave to think your partner is not aware of how you are feeling. Dare I say it I wouldnt be surprised if he was having these feelings of shame, probably worthlessness and also the repeating cycle of bad food = feeling better, because he is completely aware of how you feel but feels powerless about it.

 

 

 

Men can suffer eating disorders too, and the root causes of shame, lack of self worth, and a unhealthy relationship to food, are what I am seeing here. He gets some sort of need fulfilled from food that he doesnt get in his other areas of life. Its like treating an open wound with the wrong kind of medicine- it ususally just makes things worse.

 

 

 

He doesnt need surgery- and its way too early in this cycle of shame for him to even think about healthy eating/ getting active. Those are the final steps of a long battle that comes with having a detrimental relationship with food- it shouldnt be an emotional filler for his life, and it should  not be the band-aid to the shame he is feeling. Seeing it that way, the first step should be in this situation is to empathize with him, not judge him, and then try to have you BOTH go to counselling to talk about it.

 

 

 

As someone who has struggled with weight for most of her life, has worked with people with disordered eating,  its really important to understand here that when you judge someone who has this kind of issue, you are triggering their shame and the very thing that most likely feeding the cycling of weight gain (or loss) they are in.

 

 

 

Just my two cents.

 

 

 

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