(Closed) I Hate one of my bridesmaids LONG

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

haha my 17 year old sister is my MOH. I only asked her because I felt it was my “duty” and I now regret my decision. She’s had no interest in the wedding except for when we went dress shopping and she tried to make the entire dress experience about HER. She tried on a bunch of different dresses and commented on how much better she looked in them. I ignored her. I have no contact with her outside of what she has to do with and her “duties” as MOH are being put on other members of the Bridal party due to her age. Examples would be that she has nothing to do with the B-party because my mother doesn’t want her “innocence to be taken yet” and her involvement in the bridal shower has been slim to none. I feel bad for my mother who has taken on a lot of projects that my sister should have been responsible for. It’s awful. 

Post # 4
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think at this point you just have to try not to let her get to you as much as you are.  It’s not like she will partake in the bachelorette party (assuming here based on her age) so at least you have that special time to spend with your closest friends/family. 

I just have to add, that IMO, a 15 year old should NOT have to contribute to the shower, and that her parents or your Fi should be the one giving on her behalf–sorry but I don’t think that your MOH should’ve bothered stressing you out by telling you about her complaint. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That sounds like a tough situation. It must be hard to have someone in the bridal party that you don’t know that well. But that being said, I think you are being much, much too harsh on your future sister-in-law.  It seems to me like you are taking out your frustration with your fiance’s family on his sister, and that’s really not fair. 

She is only 15 – I totally agree that she should not have to contribute to the bridal shower. I am actually shocked that anyone would expect that of a 15 year old. As for strapless dresses, I would treat her as a junior bridesmaid and get her a style dress that has some straps. I don’t think a strapless dress is that appropriate on a 15 year old anyways, and I can’t really blame her for not wanting to wear one. Her comments about the color of the dresses are annoying, yes, but you said it yourself, she’s immature for her age. But if you ever want to have a good relationship with your future SIL, maybe you should try to get to know her a little better instead of just assuming that she is weird because she has different interests. 

I would make some effort to get to know her a bit, and maybe find someone in your bridal party who she has something in common with so you don’t constantly feel like you are babysitting her and missing out on time with your friends. Give the poor girl a chance instead of just being upset that you were bullied into asking her to be in the wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you should approach the relationship that you have/ will have with her in the future differently that you approach the rest of your bridesmaids.  For example, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her not to pay for part of the bridal shower.  Maybe it would help if you though of her more as a junior bridesmaid that a “regular” bridesmaid.  I would even consider putting her title as a junior bridesmaid in the ceremony program if you are having one.  Also, this would allow you to not invite her to everything (ex. bachelorette parties are often not appropriate for 15 year olds!)

Edit: And I don’t think that calling her a junior bridesmaid would be any type of demotion – more like something that is age based.

Post # 7
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry that this is making the wedding planning process less fun for you, that definitely stinks.  No doubt, this girl sounds very immature and probably has some social awkwardness that prevents her from making friends easily.  As you said, “she’s one of those girls that you look at and just know she gets picked on.”  That’s a really good reason to just be as nice, welcoming, and friendly as you can.  At this point, you can’t ask her to step down without causing hurt feelings all around.  In the interest of family harmony, maybe you could include her in some things but leave her out of others – for example, no need to include a 15-year-old at a bach-type party.

Also, I kinda see her point about contributing to the shower, I probably had $30 to my name at any given time when I was 15.  However, if she’s not contributing, maybe it will give you a chance to maybe do some shower-planning with just the other bridesmaids?

Post # 8
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh, that’s a crappy situation – Would it cause too many waves in FI’s family if you suggested she might be more comfortable handing out programs, doing a reading, etc. instead of being a bridesmaid?  You’d have to be really careful to make it sound like you’re not demoting her though.  Maybe from here on out, just don’t invite her to any more of your outings with your girls – Just tack on getting drinks or something at a bar as part of your excursions that day, and if anyone approaches  you about it, just claim she wouldn’t be able to make it because she’s underage.  At least she won’t be able to tag along at the bachelorette though!

Post # 9
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I just wanted to add that, in my opinion,  the word “HATE” is a strong word, you should really reconsider using it to describe a 15 year old that will be your future SIL.

Post # 10
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I say drop her. Remind your future mother in law about the finanical responsibilities of the bridesmaids: bridal shower, bachelorette party et al and remind her that your future SIL is not financial stable enough to handle this. Also, remind her of the decade long gap between them and that it is not feasible to include her.

If you can’t, how about you demote her to junior bridesmaid? Give her a different dress with straps and then just keep her off to the side ?

Post # 11
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I feel like you are being a little tough on her and I don’t feel like, based on your description, that she has done anything so out of line to warrant your hate of her. If you don’t want her as a bridesmaid then don’t have her.

Post # 12
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I totally agree with bride2bejc about the use of the word hate. How would your fiance feel if he knew that you used that word to describe how you feel about his sister? I do not think its appropriate at all. You can hate the situation, but to say you hate your sister in law, especially when she actually hasn’t done anything wrong, is very harsh. 

Post # 13
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think you are being a touch hard on her. By your descriptions she is a bit of an immature 15 year old as it is, so despite your personal feelings towards her, you cant really expect her to be paying for the bridal shower as she doesnt have the same funds as everyone else.

That said, she should probably be considered a junior bridesmaid… that way you are doing your duty to the family by including her, but she is acknowledged as being younger.

I am sorry you are stuck in this hard situation with her, but I doubt she even knows the real obligations that come with being a bridesmaid. I wouldn’t have at 15!

Post # 14
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i totally feel for your situation cause I have a similar one going on in my wedding. My FSIL is in my wedding and is 7 years younger than us and I too was pushed into asking her to be in it by my Fiance.  I have nothing in common with her at all and am really fearful that I’m going to end up babysitting her at bridal functions.

The difference between my situation and yours is that my FSIL has absolutley no interest in the wedding at all. I think she’s just as uncomfortable being in it as I am having her in it. My MOH sends out group emails to the wedding party asking opinions about the shower and different ideas and she never responds. SHe was the last to order her dress and told my MOH that she may be too busy with HS to attend the shower. It’s annoying but honestly whatever ya know.

I don’t thnk other bee’s should be attacking you on this though. Your wedding is about you not everyone else and you should be able to enjoy every second. It’s too late to really demote her now so just try to handle it as best you can :o)

Post # 15
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

There’s no way I would have been able to contribute to anything monetarily when I was fifteen!

It sounds like she’s just an incredibly awkward kid. Being around a bunch of people she doesn’t know that are an older group of friends isn’t going to help anything, either. Don’t you remember being 15? It wasn’t the easiest of ages.

And about her particular hobbies – yeah, Pokemon isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean she should be a social outcast in your family. She probably is the type of kid that gets picked on at school. Shouldn’t that knowledge make you want to include her in your new family unit instead of picking on her too?

She’s just a kid. Make her a junior bridesmaid, buy her a bolero and let the kid be.

Post # 16
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

dude – i’m a high school teacher (sitting right this minute in a class full of 15 year olds) and this girl sounds alot more like 8 that 15.  She sounds like she has some serious maturity issues and trying to incorporate her with a group of 25 year olds is not gonna help.  If i were you i’d talk to FMIL and be explicit about how uncomfortable she is and you are in the process.  Perhaps she could still be in the BM colour scheme, but it will be her responsibility to find a dress she can live with, and her duties will be very limited on the day.  I’d be sure to keep the lines of communication with FMIL open though – if she sees on the day that her daugher is being ignored or relegated to menial tasks my guess is she’ll flip.

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