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I actually had this mentality (not being a biz-notch about it to my friends though), that its MY big day but after reading this you're definitely right. I agree with you 100% & it was well put. It gave me chills! It's not just *YOUR* big day, it's a lot of peoples! It's just an exciting day and one that you'll remember forever as well as a commitment to you & your FI as well as other family members.
Except I think you've hit on why it is your day in your second paragraph. This is not the wedding of anyone but you and he and it will not be their priority so yes it is your day. Your and your fiance's.
I agree absolutely that it's sad if it's the best day of your life and everything is downhill from there - certainly not in my plans!
However I do think this should be the couple's party or at least ceremony, this is not your mother's chance to throw the wedding she wants, this is not your FIL's chance to impress people either with his money or his religion etc.
You don't get a year and you don't get a month and you shouldn't feel entiteled to excitement and support from everyone you meet but IMO you do get a day.
I agree with you to the extent that the "It's my day" mentality shouldn't mean that it's fine to treat others poorly. But when it comes to the little obnoxious things that people do - like making unsolicited suggestions about things saying you HAVE TO do this or you SHOULD BE doing this or whatever - things that are totally either (a) outside the realm of possibility for your budget or (b) just not in keeping with the feel you are going for with your wedding, then I feel it's none of their beeswax and IS up to me and my FI. For example, please, random relative I don't talk to, don't tell me not to wear blue shoes. I want to wear blue shoes. IT'S MY WEDDING.
Absolutely.
I look at what people are sacrificing for me -- my family are giving up their holiday time and flying to the other side of the world, our wedding party is being fabulously supportive and helpful, and a bunch of people we love are going to help us celebrate our marriage.
What will make my day absolutely perfect is if everyone has a fabulous time and remembers it as a great wedding and a great party, that our wedding party doesn't feel taken advantage of, and that no one is left feeling put out or disgruntled.
Seriously. That's what will make my day.
However, I know I'm lucky because everyone around us is supporting us, and we're not getting a lot of pressure to do things that we really don't want to do. So we're compromising on the easy stuff, but we haven't had to face any huge challenges from family or friends -- so I know we're lucky!
I'm with arachna & kittyachi. I totally get what you're saying, but in many ways it IS your day. That's not to say go nuts, be demanding, and treat people like crap, but it IS your one and (hopefully) only wedding day, and it should be treated as such. I definitely don't think that fact should be dumbed down.
I agree and disagree. If you use the "It's my day" thing to make others unhappy, well of course that's wrong. I do firmly believe that weddings are about families merging and respecting that, and also about thanking your geusts for coming by showing them a fun time.
BUT, let's face it, a wedding truly is about the bride and groom. Without them, there wouldn't even be a wedding. The wedding happens because two people decide to get married. So, when it comes down to overall style of the wedding, the date, location, dress, flowers and decor, the couple should get complete control over that stuff. Whem it comes to wedding party attire, food, drinks and entertainment, the couple should consider the guests' comfort and feelings.
So, in conclusion, statements I'm okay with:
"It's my day, I want roses."
"It's my day, I want to get married in Jamaica. Whoever can come, will come."
Statements I'm not okay with:
"It's my day. If I want a three hour break between the ceremony and reception, people can tough it out."
"It's my day, if I want an entirely sushi reception, people will just have to deal."
"It's my day. If she looks fat in her dress, that's her problem."
Honestly, if my FI didn't remind me periodically that it's "Our/My day" I'd probably be pretty miserable.
@Laural: While all that you have said is a very healthy way to look at your wedding day, I offer one word of caution.
Throughout my 2 year wedding planning process I was on the wedding boards and was SOOOO paranoid of being a "bridezilla" or of adopting the "It's MY day mentality" that I went completey in the other direction.
And honestly, I wish that on my wedding day, I would have had a little more of the "It's MY day" attitude. My wedding day was fabulous and there isn't much I would change. But, in an effort to be the "laid back/nice bride" and cater to everyone else's needs and NOT be a "bridezilla", I lost a little of what I truly wanted and could have easily asked for/insisted upon.
Just remember, you never get this day back. You will never be able to change your pictures. It is just a few short hours that you can enjoy this momentous event. So take a little time to put yourself first. It's okay. Really. In moderation all things are balanced. :)
I agree with you! I think that it's your relationship but the wedding is more for everyone else than you. It is so your family can celebrate with you and have fun, noy just so you can have a big party.
And I have always thought you last statement. If the best day of my life occurs in the beginning of my second decade, what else is there to be excited for and looking forward to?
to each her own. if i had my choice, there would be no friends and family standing up there with us and it would be "our day." for me it's not about them, it's about us, and quite frankly i stress out way too easily and i don't want to deal with anybody else. this dosen't mean i'm going to be bridezilla or be mean to people. they still are my family, and i still love them. that just means that i'm not going to plan my wedding based on what they want. and i don't feel that i should have to. we're the one's getting married, not them.
I posted a rather philosophical rambling thread on this topic a little while ago - do we bees go overboard in trying to make sure we don't turn into bridezillas? How much do we need to say "It's my Day" just to, as teaadntoast said, keep from being miserable, or from having our mother or father hijack the whole process to throw themselves the party of the decade? It's a touchy issue!
i cringed more at the "It is the day that my daddy will give away his little girl" bit than the its my day attitude. youre an adult woman not a little girl and you dont need to be given away either
Honestly, it WAS my day. I sacrificed, saved money, paid out the butt, put blood, sweat and tears (literally) into that day. I spent many sleepless nights, had many crying spells over my lack of family, and worked my ass off to have the day of MY dreams. Not my parents dreams, they weren't even there. Not my friends dreams, they'll get their own. No. Of mine and my future husbands, and it was the best day of my life, bar none. It was MY day to marry the man of my dreams, the way I wanted.
To each their own. You and your fiance are getting married, no one else. You and your fiance are paying for it, no one else is. No, you don't have the right to treat anyone like crap but in the end, your opinions are the only ones that matter. If someone doesn't like something you are including or omitting, they can do it their way when it's their turn to get married. So yes it is your day. If it isn't, then does that mean someone else is getting married instead?
@eloping, I have to agree. If you're old enough to be legally be married, then you're giving yourself away. The giving away of the bride is leftover from the days when girls were married off at puberty and were nothing more than men's property used as business pawns. Your father can escort you down the aisle, but that is the extent of what he is doing. Giving you away is something else entirely that he is not doing.
Well it's MY day. It's all about me, me, me and I can do whatever I want.... just kidding, LOL.
You're right, I understand where you're coming from. My wedding isn't just about me. It's a huge day for myself and my husband-to-be, but also a significant moment for both our families. I think everyone involved in our wedding deserves to have a happy day. Having said that, I'm also aware that the cause of this celebration is not about anyone else but us. Our loved ones are attending this event to celebrate me and my husband-to-be: He and I, and our decision to bind our commitment to each other -- we are the sole reason for this day. So we're going to enjoy, relish, and love every minute of it.
I agree with MrsK2b - The tendency to cater to everyone else's happiness can end up overshadowing your own comfort and your own needs. If there's one day in your life where you deserve to be most comfortable, most happy and surrounded by so much love and pampering--this is it. You will never get this day back. I also agree with the rest of the ladies when they say that you're the one planning, paying, stressing and busting your butt for this day to come to fruition, therefore you're the one who deserves to enjoy it most. Embracing your inner bride doesn't have to mean transforming into bridezilla. There is a happy medium. Best of luck!
This is my biggest wedding pet peeve by far. I think brides all-too-easily forget about guests' comfort and family wishes. If you are paying for it, then yes, each decision is technically your call and no one else's. But it's just selfish not to consider other people.
At the very least, I think if you decide to ignore other people's opinions, don't complain when they talk behind your back about the choices you've made, get mad at you, or don't come to the wedding at all.
PS I think the other extreme of letting people walk all over you and pandering to everyone but yourself is also not good, but I think it's a much less frequent issue than the reverse
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OMG TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! FI knows that it bugs me when people say it's my day so he says it every chance he gets just to get a rise out of me.
I can see why you are annoyed. But for me I had to start thinking that way. From the start of my wedding process, I was concerned about what everyone wanted. I wanted to make everyone happy. My mom, my FMIL, my FI, my friends, my family, his family, us happy. But in all of that, did I mention making myself happy? No, I was too laid back about what I wanted. I just brushed my wants aside to accomadate everyone else's wishes.
That's when things started to go down hill. I was getting annoyed that I was planning someone else's wedding. I was doing all the hard work for someone's elses wedding. Then more people who were not important to me started telling me their wedding expectations.
Finally, after to talking to some people, I realized that this wasn't my wedding. I had to take some time to think about what I wanted. I didn't do a total overhaul of what I had planned. I just made a list of what were important to me, to him and to us in our wedding. Everything else, I allowed my family and friends decide.
For me I had to start thinking that this was my day because I was relying too much on everyone else's expectations.
So to a point, you have to consider everyone but you have to make yourself happy now and then on your special day. It can't be 100% your wedding but try to incorporate things you want. So now your wedding will be 20% your wedding and 80% family's wedding.
@eloping - seriously don't judge. If I feel like my dad is giving me away that is fine. And if it makes him happy to do things in the traditional way then allowing it to happen is the least I can do as he has done so much for me. Your post is totally unrelated to the original topic and I am not trying to start a feminist battle on the boards about whether fathers should give away their daughters or not.
The second you decide to have any guests it stops being 'your' day. It's about them, you could have just gone to the JOP, but you wanted them there.
@laural - your original post/thread is about you judging people. maybe next time you should type "only post in my thread if you agree with what i have to say" so you wont have to read other peoples opinions
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I hate it when people say that it is your day and you should do what you want. It is not just my day. It is the day that my daddy will give away his little girl. It is the day that my FI's family will get a new daughter/sister/aunt/etc. It is the day that my mother and father will get a new son and my sisters will get a new brother. It is the day that my friends will stand by me as I promise to love someone forever. It is a time of transition that merges two families. It is when my fiance will commit his life to our partnership. It is the day that our family, friends and community come together to support our new life together and promise to be there when times are hard. It is not my day.
And because it is not solely my day means that I will not use the excuse "Well it is my big day" to treat others poorly or make choices that will make others unhappy - my bridesmaids are my friends and sisters before they are bridesmaids and I will keep this in mind. I will remember that other people have more important things going on in their lives other than my wedding. It is not a priority to anyone but FI and I. Our wedding is about the start of our life together. It is not about me having one big super special day. If our wedding is going to be as good as it gets then something is very wrong.