So what comes as no surprise to me, I got engaged last night. I had been home for Christmas for a week and he had to work, so the day after Christmas I flew home, and he said he had a small present for me to open. We get home and he hands me a wrapped box and I opened it and it was a ring, and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes of course!
I am feeling REALLY terrible. I never wanted a huge elaborate proposal, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I mean, I just walked in from the snow and was still nauseous from the flight, and he just asked me in our living room. Plus, it wasn't a surprise AT ALL. I knew it was coming, especially when he said, "I have a small present for you."
I will be honest, I opened the ring box, I honestly thought it was a cheap Target ring or something so we could go pick out our own ring together, like we had discussed. It's not that it wasnt beautiful, it just wasnt anything like anything I had showed him I like, and even he said he didn't like the rings that looked like this one before. But now he keeps saying how much he loves it, and wishes HE could wear it he likes it so much, haha. I told him later that I didnt' really like it. I said it just isn't my style or taste, but that he really did do a good job. And when he proposed, he said if I didnt like it we could go back. But now that I keep asking when we can go back, he is getting kind of mad and saying, "I picked out this one for you." I feel bad, but he only went to one ring store and was there for 30 minutes, so its not like I'm rejecting a ring he has spent a lot of time picking out. He says we wll go back this Saturday, but is saying the store, a little local family owned, doesn't have much selection. when I say we don't have to go there, I can tell he is getting frustrated.
I don't know what to do. I know A LOT of bride-to-be's have gone through this. I am torn between sticking with this beautiful ring that is just not my taste because he picked it out for me, or getting a ring I will love since I have to wear it forever...He spent a TON of money on this ring, so I thinkg that if he's going to spend that kind of money, I might as well actually LIKE it, shouldn't I? He says he doesn't care now because the ring is not important , it's the fact that we are engaged, and I agree. It's just that my proposal which I have looked forward to my whole life wasnt exactly spectacular, so I would like to have the ring of my dreams.
What do you think? Change it and pick a ring together that I will like, or stick with the sentamentality of the ring he chose for me?
I think it depends on your relationship. If he is truly ok with you exchanging it, and you really want to, then go for it. You should get the ring you love that' you'll wear forever.
However, my DH would've been devastated if I told him I didn't like the ring. And I don't think I could've ever returned it for something else without seriously damaging his feelings and ultimately the relationship. Truthfully, I did *like* mine at first (whew!) but it did take me a few months to truly fall in love with it. And there is no way I would trade it in now, not even for a ring double the cost or with a huge, beautiful diamond in place of the .75 center one I have now.
Is it possible that over a little bit of time you may actually love it? You do say you think it's beautiful...maybe you just have to get over the fact that it wasn't exactly what you pictured in your head, but could be "the one" in the end?
@shrubfish09: Get a new ring. If he can't handle this (which I think he can :)), he is not ready for some of the actual problems that will come along in marriage. After eight years, I can tell you that "I don't like the ring" is actually closer to the bottom in terms of difficult conversations you will have.
Go out beforehand and see if there is something you truly love and are head over heels for. If you don't find anything stick with what he picked. If you do find sonething bring him out and explain why this new ring fits you so much better, if he sees you really light up over it he won't give you a hard time.
Also, if there ring he gave you really is beautiful then perhaps it will grow on you? What might not be your style today might be tomorrow :)
awwww. sorry you were disappointed! They just don't understand how much thought we have put into this day and how the weddingbee website has given us higher expectations.
My husband did well, but he too bought me a ring that was nothing, zero like what i had shown him. I decided to keep the ring and now i am in love with it.
Is it possibly something that could grow on you or that you could get a band and give it a little bit of your style?
@MrsFuzzyFace: Great point.
I wouldn't harp on the proposal because same men just aren't very creative, and it served its purpose. The ring, though, I can't understand. He knew you didn't like that stylebut he got that anyway? Instead of something he knew you would like? Not cool imo, and he shouldn't give you a hard time. You should love the ring you will wear for the rest of your life
I need a picture and reasons why you aren't dazzled by the ring.
i wasn't in love with my e-ring until I saw it with the wedding band....
Rings can be upgraded. Husbands can't .
So the proposal wasn't what you dreamed it would be. He was probably just so excited to propose that he assumed the "how" wouldn't matter. And who really cares! You are marrying the love of your life!!
Big proposals, perfect rings, and huge weddings don't make for better marriages. And that's really all any of us want: a fairytale marriage
Can't comment on the ring because I didn't see it. The proposal...well, he proposed to you didn't he?
I can relate. I had a less than stellar proposal with a beautiful ring that wasn't my style at all. He could tell I didn't like it and offered tp exchange it. I said I would wear it but he didnt care he just wanted me to be happy. He was hurt for a bit. But then I picked something cheaper. =)
In all seriousness, this all won't matter down the road, but you need to be happy with it especially since you dont intend to take it off.
With regard to the ring, I think that if he is agreeable to changing the ring you should go together and pick something you both like. If he is not agreeable you may have to just suck it up and upgrade in the future.
With regard to the proposal… What were you expecting? Is he the romantic type? Does he usually do things big and over the top? My SO is not romantic or over the top so I imagine that my proposal will be something small and simple and I am okay with that. I would be shocked if he did something out of character. If you feel like he did not really put a lot of thought into the ring choice or proposal perhaps there should be a conversation. It all depends on how important those things are to you. They seem pretty important .
He already knows you don't like the ring, so the hard part is over. Don't keep it just for the sake of keeping the peace. In my first marriage, I had an e-ring that I wasn't totally in love with and as a result I rarely wore it after we got married. It's just too much money to spend on a piece of jewelry that will lay around in a ring box for years and years.
I agree with PP, if the ring is really that important to you, then change it. You two should be able to overcome that and it shouldn't be that big of a deal in the scheme of things. On a sidenote...this is why I wish that the "surprise" of the engagement ring tradition could die out. Except for people who REALLY want it to be a complete surprise...no hints or anything! It just makes for a lot of disappointment, I feel, and the guy can still have the surprise of the timing of the proposal!
To the OP: I think it's good you told him right away how you feel.
As far as the proposal goes, I think it's simply one moment in time, and although he possibly could have put more effort in, you would still be in the same situation you are in now - engaged with a ring you don't like.
I was never one of those girls who dreamed of an elaborate proposal. I hate big surprises and I am actually hoping we can just order the ring together and there is no proposal per se!
I think that once you have a ring you love, and you show him how much it means to you, all will be well.
Ugh! I agree the proposal sucked :( A once in a lifetime moment in your living room?? Not cool...
I totally understand about the ring though. I barely "liked" mine...but now, I am starting to love it. I agree, it depends on the type of relationship that you have, as well as your FI. I could have never told JB that I didn't like the ring that he was clearly very proud of giving to me. Could it be that he got a great deal on it, and doesn't want to insult the owners of the store? I only ask because my FI got my ring through a family jeweler and it would have been a hassle to take back without hurting their feelings :( so I ended up not mentioning how I really felt and now my ring is growing on me...thank God lol
Pictures of this ring??
Being that I chose my ring, I have zero experience with this, but honestly, if you're the one wearing it, you should love it. That was the argument I used with my FI because we had very different tastes in rings. We actually did all of the ring shopping together, and I tried on basically everything we came across. He didn't love my ring at first, but he said that it really grew on him.
I will say that I CAN see your FI's point that he chose the ring for you, but being that he's not wearing it, and he ignored what you told him and went to a little place that "has no selection," that's really his fault.
Best source of info I've found so far : ) Thanks!
@shrubfish09: can we see a pic of the ring??
I think PPs covered the ring issue well, but I have to object to the idea that the proposal "sucked." If you told him you "never wanted a huge elaborate proposal," maybe he thought doing it the minute you two were reunited and alone together would be perfect. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
@JBtimestwo: My husband proposed in the living room in the middle of the night, and it was an amazing once in a lifetime moment. He was planning on doing it in Central Park with a photographer, but the moment struck him and he did it at home, and I am so glad he did! Not everyone has the same idea of what constitutes an amazing proposal - just keep that in mind.
@shrubfish09: I can't say much about returning the ring, but you will get over the lame proposal. I picked out and ordered my ring, and knew what day I was getting it (Christmas's eve's eve, before we went to visit his family), but I expected SOME effort put into the actual delivery. Instead he waited til the last minute and did it at our front door with a bottle of champagne (which we had no time to drink because we were heading to the airport) and a bouquet of cheap ass bodega flowers. I actually CRIED I was so upset. That was our engagement. After some time, I was able to laugh it off. My husband is not the grand gestures type of guy, he sucks at gift giving and traditional romance, but he is awesome at other things. So give yourself some time and the proposal will become a happy memory :)
@fvsoccer: Oh agreed, to me the staged event of a "surprise" proposal is silly, and I especially go "hunh?" when it is people who live together. And have kids even. A PP mentioned the influence of a website like this that seems to encourage high drama of every step along the way toward marriage.
But I do realize that everyone is different. Me, I'm not a drama queen and I dislike high emotion and a "surprise" proposal when both parties know that it is coming just seems contrived to me.
But ya gotta like your engagement ring. I'm in the camp of talk to him, get it exchanged and get one that you like. It's the piece of jewelry you'll have forever.
I am not a jewelry person and the only "fine" jewelry I wear regularly are rings, my Ering and a family ring. I like them and can't imagine having one that I really did not like (although I can understand learning to like something that was perhaps not my original choice.)
My FI got me a ring that i personally wouldn't pick for myself... i guess i am more simple. He spent a ton of money on it but did give me the option to exchange it for something that i will like if i don't like it. I didn't take that option however.
The ring had grew on me and i love it now. I get compliments everywhere on it and I am happy i kept it becasue I really wanted to get something that he picked... it's part him :) Plus he walks around so proudly when I get asked about it and i say that he picked it all on his own and everyone is wowing over it :)
I can totally understand being underwhelmed and disappointed by the proposal. I think things like reality shows and social media do a disservice and have set ladies' expectations really high, plus I think it puts a lot of pressure on guys to come up with something elaborate and unique for a proposal.
I think despite the fact that we do see a lot of elaborate proposals, I would bet the vast majority of proposals were like yours - just the two of you, in your living room, very low key. That's how my proposal was, and, it would have been very out of character for my DH to do something big and elaborate. He's not that type of guy - which is OK.
As far as the ring, I had never been asked what kind of styles I liked so my ring was a complete surprise. It was pretty, but just not my style either. I recently had the diamond reset into a pendant and I wear that daily and basically just wear a wedding band. I've been married for a while - I'm not saying that's what you should do right now, but if he really isn't going to let you change it, that may be an option down the road.
This is tough because his ego is at stake. Personally, if I spent a lot of time picking out an expensive gift for someone and they didn't like it, and they told me they wanted something else, my ego would be a little bruised at first, but I would get over it and would want the person to have somethng they completely gushed over and loved. Hopefully your FI is like that.
Also, if you wear it for a while you could also grow to love it. I know that happened to several of my friends - even ones that picked out their own rings! I would love to see a photo of yours!
I don't really think the proposal always has to be fireworks. Mine wasn't romantic, although it was a surprise. And as much as I thought I'd treasure the memory, I can't for the life of me remember the date (or even which weekday it was).
As for the ring, you told him it's not for you. Go out on Saturday and pick something you both love.
@JBtimestwo: He got an AMAZING deal on it-half price. Which half-price is still WAY more than I ever expected. He is a salesman and he was really proud that he was able to get the price down so low.
@countrylove: I am trying to get a picture but they are all blurry :(
@MeiFrancis: He told me before he didn't like this style, but said when he saw it he fell in love with it and thought I would too...That's why I feel so bad.
@MadTownGirl: It is a really nice ring, and one minute I look at it and think, "I have to change it," and literally the next time I see it I think, "Well, it IS kind of pretty..." and then the nest second I hate it....Ugh, so frustrating. I think I could grow to love it, but I don't know how soon.
@shrubfish09: i'm with most of the posters here re: proposal -- mine wasn't i imagined but it was better because he was so excited. he was nervous and i knew he was bursting at the seems even though he was trying to be calm. it was private, unshowy, and heartfelt. i wouldn't change that moment for anything. it was at an awkward time because he couldn't wait any longer -- maybe your FI felt the same way.
re: the ring -- well, he knew that wasn't your taste when he purchased it. as long as it wasn't a final sale, or some similarly situated deal, it should be fine to return and he should be fine with it SINCE the two of you previously discussed it. if you hadn't, i would say keep it.
I have the most beautiful ring in the world and the first time I saw it, all I could think was, "This isn't how I thought it would be!"
Once the shock wore off and I started showing it off, I realized that it's really the most perfect ring in the world for me and my style. I love love love love LOVE it! Give it a few weeks, and you may gain a new perspective!
I wish you posted a picture of the ring.
I think that he should have picked something that you liked. Especially since you said that this is the type of ring that you said you don't like. I would go and change it.
@sarahbabs: that is true :) I was just thinking along the lines that she said she was unhappy with it. My proposal was carefully thought out but it WAS private and beautiful. I guess, to each his own.
Definitely go back and get something you will like - you'll be wearing this ring every day for the rest of your life potentially (or at least a very long time until you perhaps upgrade or change it out). Do it now if he offered!
You should get something you love! You are going to be staring at that thing the rest of your life!! Men can be so dense sometimes but what can ya do!?!
I can certainly understand you thinking the proposal was a bit lackluster, even though you probably wouldn't be too "surprised" no matter what he planned out because it seems like you knew it was coming. Still, I get what you mean - a dinner at a nice restaurant, a romantic walk, anything probably would've been more memorable to you than a quick livingroom proposal when you weren't even feeling your best, and with a ring you didn't like!
I think it would be a good idea on his part to re-propose if you guys decide to get a different ring. I don't mean that it has to be super-elaborate, and he'll be a lot more prepared and comfortable doing it the second time around!
My fiancé proposed in our kitchen after a long day of work and me sitting in traffic. it wasn't some huge romantic gesture but he was too excited to wait any longer. Maybe your fiancé just couldn't wait another moment to propose? As far as the ring... My fiancé got me what I asked for but the jeweler made some changes. At first I was bummed and flipped flopped a lot between loving it and being annoyed with it. But honestly..6 months later I Am in love with it. He let the jeweler make those changes because he thought it would suit me. Your fiancé probably got talked into the ring by the jeweler and thought he was getting you something you'd love!
maybe sit on it for a while (not literally ;) ) and then see if you feel differently in a few weeks? It might grow on you
If you can't post a picture, can you describe it?
I am firmly in the camp that believes that a woman should have an engagement ring that she loves and that her FI can afford. I don't think disliking a ring style should be taken as a rejection and if you don't like the style, he shouldn't be all pissy about taking it back. There are a lot of times in a marriage that the two of you are going to see things differently.
But I don't get the whole proposal thing. He probably thought it was a good time and was excited to show you the ring.
I think the proposal sounds sweet, but then again - my husband proposed to me at home too. WHILE we were working out. Therefore I had no makeup on, was wearing baggy clothes, and was all sweaty lol! At first I thought, "Seriously. He couldn't wait until dinner or something?" but I got over it pretty quickly and we're happily married now. Honestly, it's not something that I think about often but looking back it's kind of funny!
As for the ring, if you don't like it you should get it reset into something you like.
I agree with most others that there is no harm in exhanging the ring for something that you like better. It is going to be on your finger for (hopefully) the rest of your life, right? You should at least get to look down and see something you are head over heels about.
With regard to the proposal...my DH proposed to me in our living room. I knew it was happening because he had ordered the ring from the jeweler's website after we had gone shopping for it together. He tried to sneak out of the house to pick it up from the FedEx office, but as fate would have it, I pulled in as he was walking out of the house. Of course I asked him where he was going and when he tried to pull the "Just going out" excuse...I pushed until I got the truth. Part of me wishes I hadn't made him tell me so it would have been more of a surprise...but it wasn't a matter of how or where that was special...it was the fact that he wanted to at all! That's what makes the moment special - realizing that someone loves you enough that he or she wants to spend the rest of their life with you. That was enough for me! :)
My husband said that he would want me to exchnage the ring if I didn't like it, but it may be a moot point. If the ring was purchased at such a deep discount or if it was custom built or customized, you may not be able to return or exchange it.
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