Post # 1
So in a few months I’m going to moving from a city where I have a solid social support system and can feasibly see my family in a day’s drive to one where I only know my FI and will be farther away from my family.
On top of this, I am limiting my career options by only looking at one metro area.
I was ok with this until recently and now it’s really bothering me. I know it’s MY choice to move, it’s not my FI fault that he can’t move (because of the economy it would be next to impossible for him to sell his house and get a new job somewhere else), but I really feel like I’m giving up a lot.
I’m not sure what to do with these feelings. I know if I don’t address them they’ll bubble up and hurt our relationship. But i don’t know how to talk to him about it without making him feel bad.
Any advice bees? Maybe I just need to take time to grieve everyone and everything I’m leaving so I can move on to the next stage in my life?
Post # 3
I would definitely talk this over with him. If you don’t, you will end up resenting him for him ‘making’ you leave your other life behind so you could start a new, significantly different one with him. This is YOUR lives together and there needs to be a compromise of sorts to avoid a blowup down the line.
Post # 4
I thought I might be able to offer a little perspective as someone who has moved for her husband several times. First we moved because both of us were looking for jobs and he was the first to get an offer–so we went where his offer was, and I started looking for jobs there. I found a great job that I loved and it really changed my life…I had a totally different life plan before that, but this job was so perfect and unexpected that I changed the plan, and decided to go to grad school so I could move up in that field. But, because I changed the plan, my husband and I couldn’t apply to grad school at the same time–he applied before I did. He got into an amazing program, so we moved again. I was sad; I was leaving great friends and a great job. But I got a job in our new city, and started the process of applying to grad school at the school my husband attends. I was nervous…the program I was applying to was the #1 program in the country and I didn’t know if I would get in, but it was my only option because we already lived here and my husband was in school already. But it worked out! I got in, and I’m a happy married PhD student. I had a hard time, sometimes, dealing with the fact that I, as an independent woman, was making so many life choices based on another person. But I finally came to this realization–I had made a decision all on my own about what my priorities are. And I decided a long time ago that my priority was going to be my marriage, and everything else I’d work out. My husband and I have landed in a great city, in fantastic graduate programs, and we’re blissfully happy. I was nervous along the way, but I eventually realized that together, we can conquer anything. You and your FI are a team, and you’re going to make this challenge work for you! If you’re feeling weird, or nervous, let him know! He loves you and he wants you to be happy, so he’ll want to talk through your feelings with you. You guys will be just fine and you’ll make it work, together! Good luck!
Post # 5
I understand 100%. My husband is in the military… we spent a long time in Texas (where I’m from) and I was very happy. I had an amazing job, and a great support system 2 miles down the road… God I loved being near my famly!
Then we found out we HAD to move to North Carolina. FI (at the time) left before us and it literally took everything I had to give up my job and my life… all my friends and family. It’s hard!
Here we are a year down the road and I still don’t have a job.. North Carolina has a HORRIBLE economy, and the drive to VA is too far. Do I resent the fact that I had to leave? Yes.. do I blame my husband? Not anymore… it wasn’t his fault. Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. It took me a while to figure that out, but now I am focusing on how blessed I am and how amazing it is that I get to stay home with my daughter and raise her, instead of having a daycare raise her.
Keep your chin up and look for the positive… and most importantly, talk to your FI and work the the issues you have with the move. Somewhere deep down I’m sure you know he didn’t want to displace you, but just wanted to be with you. That in itself is pretty special =)
Post # 6
I’m in a similar situation. I moved from VA to Montana, and now and going to school out here. I definitely hadn’t been looking at non-east coast schools when I was undergrad, and so sometimes I get a little resentful that I’m not at a “better” school.
I cried when we got our wedding pictures right before we were going to go visit his parents for a weekend. I was so excited to show them to him, and he said, “well let’s just wait and watch them with my parents. We don’t want to be late.”
Sometimes it is tough when you are closer to one side of the family than the other. If you get along with his family, I would say try your best to enjoy having more family, rather than focusing on being away from yours. Sometimes I feel guilty when I miss my mom, but I really like my MIL. I realize that’s pretty lucky.
Post # 7
I think you should have a serious conversation with him. You could rent out the home and use the income for rent in your new area. This is what we are doing. You both need to think about what is best for both of your careers. Is it possible that you could find something in this area with the plan of moving somewhere with more options later?
Post # 8
I moved last year to be with my OS, and it has not gone well. He cannot move because of his amazing and very hard to get job. The job situation for my field is terrible here, and consequently I lost my job and am now searching for part time work. It’s also been a bit of a struggle to adjust socially; being a part of his social seen is really important to the both of us. What you are worried about is very valid and you should talk about your fear ahead of time. I didn’t and tried to power through, things ended bubbling up late one night and it was awful. He felt terrible that I was having such a bad time and I was resentful that I had come here.
That being said I wouldn’t change a thing! We are a much stronger couple because of these struggles, and our communication has vastly improved. I also started graduate school to get the degree I have been dreaming of for the past 7 years. The social scene has its ups and downs, but that too is getting better with time – and who doesn’t love an out of town visitor
Tell him honestly about your fears and keep an open mind. It might not turn out how you have envisioned, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be great.
Post # 9
mrsmdphd is right. Together you can conquer anything. Don’t dwell on what you are leaving behind but on the opportunities to come.
Post # 10
Your concerns are valid and you should talk to your FI sooner rather than later. I moved to be with my FI while we were still dating. After he finished college, he moved back to his hometown and I made the decision to follow him. It was a very tough first few months. I missed my family and friends. His family has been very great and supportive, but as an independent woman, I too began to resent him because I had no social life outside of him, his family, and his friends. I am very close with my family, so being away was very tough for me. We were both fortunate to get great jobs. We have lived in this town for over 3 years now and we couldn’t be happier. It just takes time. Any change requires an adjustment period. If I could do it again, I would, but I would have told him about my concerns before it took a toll on our relationship. We are now getting married and the people that I once saw as “his” friends and family are now “our” friends and family. What you are going through is totally normal. Everything will work out the way it is meant to
Post # 11
This happen to me as well. We moved away from both of our families and friends.. across the country for my husband’s school. I can’t say that it is easy – we fought a lot of the 1st year and it has been lonely. Plus it doesn’t help that i have a complete indifference to making new friends out here. I know that is my fault but i just don’t really want to. I feel like i’m wasting my time a bit being out here but i have to remind myself to make the most of it and i in no way regret being with my husband. We are in this together and I love him so much. We have fun together when we can when he is not studying. This is something we are doing together to better our future and that will allow us to have a family. it’s an investment.
The things that help are that we both feel the same way, we talk about things and are there for each other, we get to visit family often (and they plan on eventually coming to visit us), we know that we wont’ be out here forever, and we got a dog! It has kept me busy and kept me company. Also now its easier than ever to keep in contact with everyone. It does feel like i am missing out on things back home- football games, family, events with friends. But i also have to remind myself that everyone is doing different things now- most friends haven also moved off and the ones that haven’t work non-stop and live with their SO. It wouldn’t be the same even if I wanted it to.
The only advice i can give you is to take it one day at a time.. do something i haven’t really done and make friends, get involved in things. Make a life for yourself there – so you have some things of your own. Things you enjoy separate of your husband so you feel like it’s your life still too – not just your husband’s and you’re tagging along.
Post # 12
I felt the same way. I was more angry at his job because they promised him a location closer to our family and now we are 8 hours away. It hurt, but I realized there are great opportunities out here for me. I am now at a better school than I was at and he is getting paid well. I feel that God works in mysterious ways, and even though I would have never moved here if it wasn’t for FH’s job, I am gald we did.
Post # 13
Thanks everyone for your support, I really appreciate it!
I feel a little guilty because we talked about it a while back and my attitude was “of course I’ll move, I’ll be graduating anyway and was planning to move!” Now that I’ve been looking at job postings and thinking about saying goodbye to my friends, it’s different.
The advice I got about knowing my priorities and sticking with them was really good. That really helped!
Again, thank you so much for your support, I feel much better 🙂