I am anonymous for this post because it hurts my heart to write it...
If you are the person who I am writing about, you know who you are, but I don't think you are on the bee...
One of the girls at my work is a dear friend.. Last night she had the worst thing I could imagine possible happen... Her fiance did the unthinkable.. and I'm not referring to hitting her...
I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to console her... I want her to know that she has my support and my love, and if she needs to talk that I am here for her, but I don't want to bug her, or put more on her plate than she is curently having to cope with... I am just at a loss.. What do I do? What do I say? How do I help her feel better without making her feel worse in the same turn?
@SadBeeToday: Did he rape her?
Edit: It's hard to give advice when I don't understand what exactly occured.
@SadBeeToday: I think we need a little more information to give you advice you could actually use. I really hope it's not what Bulbasaur thinks it is :(
It's so hard to help without knowing what you are talking iabout, though sadly I think I have an idea.
If you don't know what to say (and sometimes there is nothing to say) just be there for her. Give her a hug, let her cry without her having to say anything.
@FauxBoho: I'm hoping not either, but it's the first thing I could think of. If not physically assaulting her, then maybe cheating or ending the relationship?
Oh dear. I'm so sorry to hear that.
The best thing you can do is be there for her. Support her. Be her shoulder to cry on.
I'm sorry this happened, it's very tough to watch people you love get hurt. I think the best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her. People have a lot of different reactions to grief/pain, so make sure you don't judge her even if you think her reaction is strange. Reach out to her with a text or email and let her know exactly what you said in your post, that you love her, you're thinking of her, and you'll be there for her however she needs. After a few days if she doesn't respond, try calling or stopping by to check on her.
Just go over and hug her. I'd probably send her flowers with a note saying you love her and are there for her. I'd also probably bring her lunch, make sure she's eating, etc.
Hug her, go to her, tell her you're so sorry... just be there. Don't hold back out of fear for saying the wrong thing. Cook for her, clean her apartment... just sit with her. Just tell her, "I'm here. Whatever you need."
@SadBeeToday: That is horrible. I honestly don't think there is anything you can do. She is probably numb and in shock, she may not want to talk about it. The best thing you can do is hug her and tell her how sorry you are and you're there for her if she needs anything. I would also check in often, just so she knows you really do care and you're serious about her asking for help.
@SadBeeToday: Wow...I am at a loss for words. What an awful thing to have to endure. Be there for her in anyway that you can. I am sooo sorry to hear this. I can't even imagine the pain she must be feeling right now.
Sorry to hear that! There's no best answer, as everyone deals with things differently. I would contact her somehow letter her know you're there for whatever she needs, including getting out for something fun if she needs a distraction, but if she needs space you can give her that too.
Call her, email her, drop a note off in her mailbox, whatever you think would be best for her.
That's really rough. Just be there. So sorry for your friend.
I agree with above posters that say make sure she eats. Even if you just buy her gift cards for pizza, chinese, etc. When I had a loved one die recently I didn't want to cook at all. People gave me gift cards and they were lifesavers, and probably kept me from not eating on several occasions.
oh my god! that's.... im at a loss for words....
Be there for her... maybe you can tell her "if you wanna talk with me about ANYTHING, you know im always here for you"
jjmomma: "Don't hold back out of fear for saying the wrong thing." -- yes, this exactly.
Just be there. Probably nothing you say will help, but it probably won't matter if what you say is kinda awkward (besides the "meant to be/God's will" stuff that does NOT help at all). It compounds hurt to feel alone. Be with her through the crisis, and as the days, weeks, and months go on, just check in with her. Not necessarily to talk about her FI's suicide, but just about her and remind her that she's not alone, that she is cared about.
There is a lot of other great advice in this thread.
I'm so sorry.
Sadly, I never got to meet him, every time we all wanted to set something up to do something, something else came up.. I know she was madly and truly in love with him, and from what I know, he was a fantastic person.. I just wish I could help her.. I am going to text her when I go on lunch today, to let her know I am here for her... Ultimately, I am just lost.. It hurts my heart and my head to think that I will continue my wedding planning, and she will not, we got engaged about a month apart, and have been planning together (kinda).. She just ordered her dress last week
Go over to her and hug her, and keep hugging her. Give her one of those good long hugs. Let her cry on your shoulder (literally). Bring her food at work so she has lunch, go to her place and cook for her, anything and everything to help her while she goes through this grief.
Oh my God. How awful.
Nothing you could possibly do or say will make her feel worse than she already does. This is true now, and it will be true months and months from now. Don't feel like by bringing it up you are 'reminding' her. Trust me, it will be on her mind all the time. Be there for her, tell her she has your love and support, bring dinner over to her place, keep checking in with her. She'll get an outpouring of support right at first, but make sure that you keep asking how she's doing and giving her support down the road. Don't worry about saying "the wrong thing." Just be there if she wants to talk.
Just being there means more than you know. If you don't know what to say, then say just that.
Oh my gosh. How heartbreaking. I can't even imagine how she feels. Just be there for her. You won't be able to find the perfect words or the perfect gesture, but just be there for her. She's going to need a lot of support. If she needs to cry, let her. If she needs to talk about it, let her. If she just wants you to sit with her, let her.
This is going to sound a bit off-the-wall but it might be a huge comfort to her if you bring her a meal, make sure she's fed, and maybe stock her fridge, tidy her house, all the little details of being an adult that will get completely forgotten with the shock and grief. If she wants to talk, she'll talk; if she wants her privacy, she'll accept your kindness and let you leave gracefully, but either way she'll know you are there for her.
I would make the effort to see her in person and to take care of her basic needs rather than calling or texting; having been through the suicide of my ex, and the death of my cousin who was my roommate and best friend at the time, I can tell you that her phone is probably ringing off the hook right now, and she's probably feeling overwhelmed by the phone. The personal contact will be so muhc more of a comfort to her.
Oddly, when my cousin died, one of my friends showed up with a casserole and (of all things) a package of toilet tissue rolls. It was really bizzare, but also incredibly comforting, and as timing would have it, we actually did need TP in the house, and her thoughtfulness saved me from having to drive to the store. It meant a lot to me, a silly little thing like TP.
@fishbone: Such a great idea. It seems so silly at the time but this is something that my family has always done. We all make big casseroles and lasagnas and stuff that can be easily frozen, thawed, and heated later to eat. A great way to do it is just put them in disposable roasting pans and take them to their house. It will help her to keep up with things that she really isn't concerned about right now
@fishbone: 100% agree
Although it wasn't suicide I have experienced terrible and sudden loss. bring her food, a cup of coffee, and just be with her.
The thing to remember is that she is probably (I really hope) surrounded by loved ones right now. But after a few months, people start moving on. Please remember that in 6 months, 12 months, etc. she will still be grieving. Check in with her and just continue be a great friend to her. She will need it.
I'm sorry to hear that and will cosign many of the things PPs have said.
I think this is a good resource, also:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm
I'm so sorry to hear this, it is so unbelievably sad. My uncle passed away almost a month ago, and I have been with my aunt and cousin throughout his illness and passing. Right after his passing and funeral, my aunt didn't answer the phone to the dozens and dozens of phone calls she received. BUT, she listened to all of the messages, and felt such comfort in them. When she was ready to talk, she would answer the phone.
So my advice to you would be to call, leave a message, text, etc. Let her know that she doesn't have to return your call (you don't want to be a burden), but that you just want her to know that you are thinking of her and are there for her whatever she needs. The offer to tidy the house and bring her food is also a great idea. Keep calling and texting periodically to remind her you are there and thinking of her, and when she is ready, she will answer.
This happened recently to a friend of mine.
Like others have said, the best thing you can do is tell her you're there when she needs you.
Friends took turns bringing her food and cleaning her apartment. We also raised money to donate in his name to a charity she thought would mean a lot to him.
She will be going through a lot of emotions, and one thing I'll tell you to pass on to her - she has EVERY RIGHT to be angry at him. She's probably going to be bouncing between grief, feeling responsible, feeling guilty, and feeling angry - and the feeling angry tends to be something people feel embarassed or ashamed of - but its a perfectly legitimate feeling to have in her position. And I know its hard, but try not to say things like "youre going to be okay" and "time heals all wounds" - because - at a time like this, she feels VERY far from that and it can just feel condescending.
@SadBeeToday: Wow that's terrible :(
All you can really do is let her know you're there for her. She probably won't want to talk for a while, but when she does, let her know that it is NOT her fault. You know she might be thinking that.
So sad all around. *Hugs*
Someone very close to my bestie committed suicide earlier this year. I found out, and I called her to ask how she was doing (dumb question, I know) and she just started bawling. I told her that I would be there in less than 10 minutes. I went to her, hugged her, and let her cry on my shoulder as long as she felt she needed to. I'm not even sure I said anything at all, not one word, the first hour I was there. It's ok to not know what to say, and it's ok to not say anything at all, just know that being a shoulder for her is enough. Let her know it's ok to feel however she's feeling- sad, hurt, angry, empty, etc... there's an entire range of emotions people go through and they are all ok. It's even ok to feel all of them at one time. Just be there for her, even if you don't have the words you feel you need.
And give her a big hug from this Bee <3
@fishbone: +1
Definitely helps to make sure all her basic needs are taken care of. IE running errands, cleaning, etc. Just be there physically for her; she probably is in a lot of shock and won't feel like talking.
@SadBeeToday: Oh boy. I'm so sorry you both are going through such a trying time. Get her out of the house if you can. I'm sure it can't be easy looking at all of his things knowing he doesn't need them anymore, or sleeping in an empty bed. I'm so so sorry.
Thank you for all of your advice... Not that this is much of consolation, but I don't think she will be sleeping in the bed any time soon.. that's where he did it... from what I have been told, I haven't been disclosed alot of information, but that is my understanding :-(
Wow, that is heartbreaking.
I've had a close friend lose someone a parent to suicide, and I can tell you from my own personal experience the grieving process is very different than any other. There is a lot of fantastic advice here, but one thing I would add is to really strongly advise her to reach out to a support group of people who have been through something similar. It's so easy to blame yourself in this situation, and guilt is the last thing she needs on top of the grief.
It depends on your friend. Is she the "strong" type? If so, telling it helps to allow her to be weak by doing things for her and giving her the option to say no. If you ask me "E, can I bring you dinner". I will say "No, i'm fine" and then wallow over carrots. If you say "E, I am coming by your house at 7pm with takeout from Rays. You don't have to eat it and can always save it for later and you don't have to talk if you aren't up for it." And then you show up at 7 with dinner for two and a bottle of wine, I would be so glad and would probably cry on your sholder.
From what I understand there were no tells, it was completely unexpected
@fishbone: We suggested really similar things and I want to echo your advice. My grandfathers died a week apart, during Christmas. When meant the most to us was all of the meat platters, fruit trays, and take out that appeared. We couldn't think about cooking, but it meant the world that my grandma's neighbor packed up a tray of pasta from her restaurant and the buffet menus (so we wouldn't have to make another phone call to get them when we were planning the funeral). It was so sweet of her.
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