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This EXACT thing happened at the beginning of our wedding planning. I would be totally fine with a small affair, but he wanted his big family, his parents friends, etc. I remember asking him that exact question: "Why would you invite someone you haven't talked to in 10 years?"
And then we both compromised. We talked a LOT about what was important to us and why, and settled on an approximate number of guests we were happy with. It turns out there are some pretty good reasons for inviting people you haven't talked to in 10 years. We're now having a mid-size wedding of about 75 people, and while it's not what I initially envisioned, I've come to see the many benefits of a traditional, bigger party.
Don't stress and use this as an opportunity to learn how to solve problems with your FI. There's going to be lots of times when you both have strong opposing opinions about something, and this happens to everyone, not just you. I'm sure you'll have an amazing wedding that combines all the elements that are most important to both of you.
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I hate it, too. I never had visions of the princess dress or fairy tale wedding. Never really thought about it at all. We aren't arguing about anything during planning, but I just keep hearing "Cha-Ching....$$$...Cha-Ching" and it's not making this process very fun.
Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one. I never dreamed of having a wedding or even being married. Planning has not been fun for me. The more and more I think about it, I just want to be married. We've been living like a married couple for 2 1/2 years. I don't know if I really want the big wedding, but I'm afraid that if I don't do it I'll regret it one day.
Do you have a friend who is super girly/into weddings? She may be excited to help!
I'm with you twinstar. We've been together for 4 years. Lived together for 3 1/2 of them..have shared everything for years and have essentially been married since we moved in together. We talked about eloping but everyone said I would regret it and family wanted us to have a "real" wedding. Um, last I checked it's still a REAL wedding if you elope, but whatever. So here we are...watching our $ disappear and watching the guest list fill up with people we don't even know, but share the same last name as FI...and we are paying for it all ourselves. I'm secretly hoping, half of our guest list declines...then atleast we'd be back to a more intimate wedding with just the people we care about like we thought we were starting out with!
I hate it too... But I'm very fortunate that my FI and I BOTH really wanted a small and intimate affair without planning and were both on board with a DW in an all inclusive resort! There was sill a bit of planning (dress, suit, rings, papers...) and it is as much as we are willing to do as far as planning goes...
FI being the nice guy he is, he did invite people he hadn't spoken to in years, more as an "FYI, getting married!", knowing they wouldn't show up, but being cool with it if they did.
@ cablegirl
You can have mine if you want! He hasnt really helped much other than when I've asked him a question and gave him two options to pick from that I like. Other than that he hasnt done much.
Have you considered a wedding planner? Or a Virtual Wedding Planner?
I'm located in MN, but I also offer Virtual Wedding Planner services as well for a very low out-of-pocket cost. $100 - $250 depending on the size of your wedding and your needs.
PM for more info if you're interested.
Just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone on this. I was the exact same way, and we are having a larger traditional wedding because it's what my FI wants. All I can say is try to make the best of it...maybe you can find even a small part of the whole ordeal that you enjoy being a part of? And you can always ask people to help you if you really hate planning stuff yourself!
You are not alone! I definitely had to fight to keep my FI from inviting everyone we know (fortunately I had a venue that backed me up with a fairly small limit). I cannot reccomend enough that you hire a good wedding planner. it has taken so much pressure off me and it means I get to spend the last week before my wedding getting excited about spending the rest of my life with the man I love, rather than stressing about table arrangements.
Talk to you FI about what you really want and see if you can find a compromise between the huge affair and the more intimate ceremony. if he's as invested in the planning as you say, he should be able to find a compromise that can make you both happy. Because it's about you two together and this (for me) was a really good chance to learn how to fight fair for what you really want.
Gemstone's advice is great! I dreaded the wedding planning too but my MOH and baby sister LOVES this stuff. I joke that she should just tell me what time to get there and she can take care of everything else. It's worked out great for both of us!!!
Thanks for all of the great advice ladies. It's nice to know that I am not alone. People always expect for women to jump through loops and do cartwheels about their wedding and when you don't they look at you strange. My FI and I will definetly try to come to a happy medium. I would love to hire a planner to do the grunt work for me but I don't know if the budget will allow. Its something to look into.
ohhhh cablegirl, I planned an entire wedding... and then found out our date wasn't going to work because of some unforeseen circumstances. I did NOT want to plan another wedding.
In fact, I still don't. I've posted around here on the hive that I'm probably doing a surprise wedding. Well, last night it really came to me what kind of wedding I wanted... while I was sleeplessly laying in bed, waiting for my alarm to go off, ugh! Just try to think about it, and eventually it will come to you. A surprise wedding is probably the right thing for me, but I would have never known until i read blogs about it!
@cinemaparadis: when I saw the thread about the surprise wedding, I fell in love with the idea. I spent the entire day coming up with a way to pull it off. But when I ran it by FI said "sure" followed by "oh well half of my guest probably won't show up. They would never travel all the way here just for a party". *sigh* back to the drawing board.
Why does it have to be just a party? What if you told all of them it was a different, VERY IMPORTANT event? Like frat brothers still "living the dream," it's a kegger 30th birthday party... or to Grandma, it's an engagement party!
I know it's complicated to work out. I am soooooooo finding it difficult, like who do i tell so they show up? But it's worth it if you love the idea!
I hate wedding planning too! If I had a chance to do it all over again, I would just elope and then have a small dinner party with our closest friends. I just feel like wedding planning becomes about everyone and everything else except for what really matters, the upcoming marriage of the bride and groom. I'm just so over it all and ready for the next two months to pass by as quickly as possible. I'm so sorry to sound so negative but I just needed to vent. Btw, I really like the idea of a surprise wedding!
i hate wedding planning!! we're actually just starting, and already, i'm itchy as hell because of the stress!!! i wish we could just do it the simple way-either elope (out of the question), or have a super small wedding with parents, siblings and sponsors. then dinner at a hotel afterwards. my FI has such a huge family and he's close to all of them, so there is now way we can't invite them. i prefer NOT to invite my second degree relatives (my first degree relatives make up a short list, but the second degree peeps drag on and on), but my mom insists i do. UGH!! the good thing is that it's hopefully going to be out of town (a 6-hour drive), so that means less guests....i'm just slightly worried that it may mean...NO GUESTS. hahaha. oh, the horror. =) this is really not fun. i can't imagine anyone enjoying all this planning for a year, to all be carried out in ONE DAY. UGHHHHH!
I'm going through the same ordeal with my FI. I smiled reading these posts just because it let me know that I'm not some horrible heartless monster for not wanting everyone in the world at our wedding. I come from a small family, but my FI is one of five kids and has 25 first cousins!!! He is do gung-ho on having all of his "blood relatives" see him get married. I get frustrated because maybe a quarter of his relatives really know me or our relationship. I keep asking him if he is having the wedding for us or for them? I just feel like I'm not being heard. At the same time I'm torn because his sense of family and big caring heart are things that I LOVE about him.
So frustrated it makes me cry about once a week. Our slim budget is going to be eaten up by tons of people I hardly know.
I am so glad that I read this post. I feel the SAME way! I was never one to have dreamed about my wedding day or and specific details and when I finally started to last year, the one thing that I had decided was that I didnt want a huge wedding. For one, they are so inordinately expensive, but more importantly, I feel like the day should be about the actual marriage! I even proposed the idea of having a small intimate wedding day and then a laidback party on a separate weekend where we could invite all of the friend the FI felt he wanted to see. It's just that I know it would break his heart if we didnt have these people present on the wedding day, so I caved and we are having a gigantic wedding. Its literally caused a mental breakdown at least once a week, and now that we are less than three months away, they are more frequent. I feel like such a wimp because I normally more of a go with the flow type personality, but in this case, I just cant seem to get past how expensive and large this is- it feels like a circus.
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I hate wedding planning! I was never the type of girl that dreamed of my wedding day or wanted a big fairytale party. As I have gotten older, I started to envision something small. Me and my husband and maybe 30 of our closest friends and family. That is all I want. If I could I would get married in my living room. Unfortunatly, my FI wants the opposite. He wants to invite everyone up under the sun. Why would anyone want to invite someone that they haven't talked to in 10 years to the biggest day in the life. I just don't get it. So anyway, the arguments and frustration begins and never ends. I guess I should be happy to have a FI that is so involved in wedding planning. I am sure a million girls would love that. I honestly think it would be better if he was far removed from it all and said "whatever you want to do baby is alright with me" I guess the grass is not always greener. Just venting, Thanks for listening... Back to the drawing board.