- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
I’m just going to lay it all out there because I need a sounding board and have so many issues bothering me right now. Sorry it’s a long one.
I’m stressed and sad and worrying about everything involved in wedding planning. I really hate it. I’m constantly on the verge of tears whenever I have to make a decision about something and whenever I tell someone what I was planning on doing they interject their opinions and I end up feeling bad for doing something practical/cheap. For instance, as someone who likes to bake I find it ludicrous that wedding cakes cost so much. I mean, it’s flour, sugar, eggs, and oil; these aren’t expensive ingredients and Betty Crocker manages to sell a mix for ~$1 and still turn a profit. So I decided to simply make cupcakes for our wedding to save money, eat something that I know tastes good, and get one decision out of the way. I also happen to like the random floral arrangements that you find in the grocery store and was just going to get a bunch from them, cut and wrap the stems and viola, a bouquet. Well, friends/family have said that I should experience everything that a typical bride should do and go to tastings at a bakery and go to a florist for flowers. Now co-workers are offering to buy my flowers and I feel like a cheapskate for being practical.
I’m very frustrated with this and feel like everyone is looking down on me because I want to be practical and yes, cheap. I feel awful spending my parents’ money on a wedding and although my FI and I are pitching in as much as we can I still hate the fact that my parents have to spend anything at all. The whole cost of weddings blows my mind and makes me upset.
I didn’t really dream about a perfect wedding when I was younger but did know that I wanted a simple but nice outdoor fall wedding with a relaxed atmosphere. I hated the thought of having a cookie cutter hotel ballroom wedding. My FI and I had originally planned a beautiful fall wedding outdoors but I recently accepted a great job completely across the country and we’re moving in the beginning of May. We decided to go ahead and move the wedding up to April, yep in three months, instead of October like we planned. Luckily nothing had been reserved so we weren’t losing money by switching dates. As we’re looking into venues we realized that the weather will most likely (based on historical data) be too cold to have outside and the hotel/country club/golf course ballroom wedding is becoming a reality. It makes me really sad and now I don’t want to make decisions on anything and don’t feel like having a wedding at all. I just want to be married to my FI and we’ve toyed with the idea of going to the courthouse, avoiding the overpriced costs, and becoming husband and wife. However I can’t shake the nagging feeling that we’ll regret it. I do want to dance with my dad and be walked down the aisle. I’m just not sure how to make it all work. The wedding is becoming more traditional as we go through our options and less like what I had wanted.
I know the obvious would be to move the wedding back to what we originally planned in October but this would add roughly $2000 in flights, hotel, rental car, etc to the budget and it’s just not there.
It doesn’t help that my self-esteem decided to nose dive into a pit of despair and I am having trouble climbing back out. I’m slowly making progress but depression is an ugly disease and I unfortunately struggle with it. I had to get a dress off the rack because of our accelerated timeline to get things done and while I like it, I know it is not “the one” and it is nothing like I imagined wearing. So that depresses me. The cut of the dress would be best accentuated with an updo and I hate my ears (they stick out like Mickey Mouse) and get sad looking at updos because nothing matches my personality. I’m having anxiety that I’ll look ugly and be standing in front of everyone. I’ve never been comfortable with my plain jane looks and being in the spotlight for a wedding is making this anxiety worse.
What’s more is that I’m frustrated with myself for feeling this way. I know I should be grateful and compromise and see that I’m not hideous like my brain thinks but these negative thoughts won’t leave me alone. I’ve been to therapy in the past and haven’t met a counselor that seems to do any good. The best advice given to me by one was to think of the best case scenario and then to think of the worst case. I’m supposed to realize that both of those are likely not going to happen and that the reality will be something in the middle. I guess I’m struggling with the thought of mediocrity for a wedding. Ugh. Am I the only one who feels like this?