I hate when friends make bad choices =/

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

ONLY because she seems to be on the fence of leaving this guy and agreeing with you and being open/receptive to your idea that he is not good for her do I feel like you should have another talk with her. Perhaps ask her to come spend the night for  a fun sleepover, then when she gets there tell her you wanted her to get away so she could have time to think.

He might not be physically abusive, but he seems like he might be emotionally/financially manipulative.

I’m not sure I agree w/ all the things you’re upset about – like him dropping her off at work and picking her up instead of letting her drive to work (it really depends on what he’s doing during the day), but if she’s so lifeless and wavering on leaving him, then maybe you need to make it easy for her to.

Honestly, if I were in your shoes – the night I asked her to come spend the night for a girl talk and broke it down that she needs to leave this guy, I would also tell her that I couldn’t stick around to see the shit she’s going through. I would say, “I love you so much and it hurts me to see you go through this. I’ve tried to say this before, but maybe you didn’t take me seriously. I don’t think this man is good for you and I think you should leave him, but I can’t stick around and see this going on anymore. You have two choices, leave him and I will help you in any and every way that I can to get through that, or stay with him and call me when the two of you hit splitsville.”

Then leave the ball in her court to get her shit together and move on from this lifesuck.

Post # 5
4135 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

That more you try to tell someone that they are with the wrong person, the harder they’re going to hang on to prove you and everyone else wrong. All you can do is hang out with her without him around and wait for this relationship to run it’s course. 

Post # 6
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@allyfally:  Well, I’d be upset about her paying for everything, but not so much about havign to sell her car if they had financial difficulties. I mean, I say this although I drove myself to work every day while my FI was unemployed. On the days he needed the car, he would drive me and take it. I paid for everything during that time, but I knew he had potential to get a really good job and in the end he did. But it seems like if this guy can’t even maintain a job for a minute, that’s another issue. It’s not like my FI quits every job he gets. He had a job, we moved, he couldn’t find one for 10 months. Completely different story. But even so, I wouldn’t have minded if he drove me to/fm work every day, except that it just adds gas/mileage to the car so it doesn’t make sense. Hopefully you can have a talk with her next weekend and she’ll come to her senses, but be prepared that if you keep pushing the issue that she might eventually want to stop hearing it and will leave the friendship for him.

Post # 7
4468 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@allyfally:  I had an old best friend in similar situation, except her bf got her addicted to coke. It was awful. People make their own choices and sometimes there isn’t anything you can do:(

Post # 8
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

(( HUGS )) to you… cause I know this is hard

And BONUS POINTS for being such a good friend.


Plain & simple this guy is a USER.

He is using her for his own good.

Not uncommon when it comes to a guy his age hitting on a much much younger woman… I’ve seen it before

Clearly they got together in some way when she was 21 and he was 34, that is a HUGE age difference at that point in time.

(my rule of thumb is preferably less than 10, no more than 12 years apart in age)

Because in reality they come from 2 different worlds BECAUSE of their age difference… he chased her down when she was young cause he obviously was having “issues” dating women his own age who could see thru his act

She met him when she was young and impressionable (trust me he was playing on this fact right from the get go)

Now shes sooo involved with him that she THINKS this is what LOVE looks like… she cannot see the forest for the trees any more.

And it does sound like he’s manipulative… and doing things that border on control / emotional abuse

She may make all the money, pay all the bills… but he’s calling all the shots

She soooo needs to break free of this LOSER who is sucking the life (and youth) out of her

Not 100% sure how you are ever going to convince her of this fact… she’s at a point where she truly cannot see anything better for herself, and is too insecure to leave him

She needs someone in her corner to build up her self esteem.  And she needs to be spending as much time as she can away from him so she can become more confident in her abilities etc.

You could help her with that. 

Be a caring friend… let her know you will be there for her NOW and WHENEVER she does decide to call it quits.

Hope this helps,


Post # 11
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@allyfally:  Hesounds like a total creep/predator. She will eventually realize it, with or without your help.

Post # 12
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@allyfally:  Right I see what you’re saying. She’s the one working, so she should be the one with the car.

It’s going to be really hard to get her to leave him. She probably doesn’t know that better love exists out there. You have to tell her and show her and remind her and make sure you emphasize that you will be there for her every step of the way and in any way you can to help her get rid of this leech.

Post # 13
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @allyfally: you said:

Thanks. I think she honestly does know that he’s using her, but I think she’s just got so much invested in their relationship that she’s willing to overlook it. Hopefully she comes over next weekend so we can have a big long talk about it.

I get that… I soo get that.

I was in an abusive marriage for over 20 years… at first I thought I could change things… change him (that sh!t never works).

Then I was so far in, that I didn’t want to “lose” all our years / history together.

Then finally I was soooo far in, that I literally couldn’t see my way out & clear.

You have to tell her you understand that bit… that it sucks to leave and give up the past… and what they’ve had.  (Empathy here is good)

BUT the truth is if she isn’t happy in the direction they are moving forward in, she cannot just go back to how things were.  Ain’t gonna happen

So she has to decide… 5, 10, 20 more years of this

Or take the risk and leave to find real happiness… like every.frickin.day.is.awesome happiness when she finally meets Mr Wonderful

Truth is, she has to take the chance… cause she cannot meet Mr Wonderful as long as she is hanging out with Mr Downer…

He’s sucking the life out of her… she needs to go, so she can bring light & laughter back into her life

5, 10, 20 years from now with Mr Downer… and she’ll just be older and farther down the rabbit hole.

When I got out of my Relationship 20+ years on I was very depressed, and had completely lost sight of ME and WHO I WAS (not a good thing)

It took me YEARS to recover, build back up my self esteem etc (and a whole lot of therapy)

I look back now at my younger self, and the “concept” of staying because of “the time in / history” and I truly think I was crazy…

I mean if I had left earlier, sure it would have been hard (but not as hard as it was after 20 years)

BUT I also would have been on the road to recovery & happiness a damn sight sooner… and would have ultimately had MORE YEARS of happiness…

Which would have made far more sense for my life than what I opted for (10 more years of misery)

Dumb, dumb, dumb… Cannot just go back and pick up 10 years out of your life.  Just doesn’t happen.

Hope this helps


Post # 14
5248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@allyfally:  I also have a friend like this. Every guy she seems to choose turns out to be a mega douche. Her current boyfriend is an emotional abuser and I have to hear about all the crappy things he does to her all the time then she will call me a day later and say they made up and frankly its getting old. It’s annoying because you cant make people do anything unless they really want to and no matter how many times you talk to them they just dont see the light…

Post # 15
998 posts
Busy bee

@little_d:  Like you, this situation gives me deja vu. My sister was once in a relationship with a similar sort of guy. It all started when my sister became pregnant after about six months of dating him. From there, it all went downhill.

They got a cheap apartment together, and although he had numerous jobs during the year and change they lived together, he couldn’t keep any of them. To make matters worse, they never had enough money to pay rent, even when my sister worked at the same daycare that she used for my niece. As a result, my sister ended up selling countless electronics to make up for the “lost” money.

Ultimately, my sister’s baby daddy turned out to be an emotionally and physically abusive douchebag. He spent all the money that was supposed to go toward the rent on drugs.

To be honest, OP, the only real difference I can see in your friend’s skeevy BF is the age difference between the two couples; my niece’s biological father was a very statistically average 2-3 years older than my sister. I sense that your friend’s BF went after her knowing that she was younger and easily manipulated.

Thankfully, your friend seems to be coming to her senses. Just support her from here on in. I like the idea of inviting her over and having a heart-to-heart while she’s with you. 

Post # 16
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Well she chose this guy and something about him makes her feel good about herself.  Maybe having a loser around boosts her self esteem in someway or maybe she likes to feeling of taking care of someone.  Has she seen this type of behaviour during her life…maybe her parents?  Whatever it is you can’t change it.  You can be there for her if she decides to leave him but that’s about it.  It’s her life and you have no control over it.  🙁

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