Post # 1
I really have nobody else I can say this to without feeling like a complete idiot…so I thought I would just let it all out here. After all, you ladies are so supportive and understanding and I feel so safe on the bee. So here it goes…
I feel so very self-centered sometimes, as if everything has to be about me. Granted, that is not who I am at all–but for some reason I morphed into this selfish brat lately. Since late last year, I’ve been SO focused on getting a proposal and planning a wedding and having all the attention on ME. And then of course life doesn’t go as you plan it. So, my brother goes and gets engaged, buys a house and is ready to start a beautiful life with his wonderful fiance. And what do I do? I act like a brat. I get all pouty and jealous and wonder why not me? Why them? It got to the point where I truly could not think of anything else. I was even being mean to my brother for no reason. Of course, I never was rude to his fiance…but who knows maybe they got a feeling that I was seriously messed up! I seriously feel like those 4 year old kids who throw tantrums when something doesn’t go their way. UGH. Sorry, I just had to get all this out there.
Bottom line, I hate the person I’ve become lately and I’m ashamed of how I’ve acted. It’s not who I am. So I seriously need to do some work on getting back to the person I used to be, before getting all obsessed with engagements & weddings. I used to be able to be genuinly happy for others when they took great steps in their lives. How did I get to be like this?! I just know I have to change, or it will end up ruining my relationships.
I welcome your thoughts/experiences….
Post # 3
Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it, so you’re on the right track!
Post # 4
@Shirinjoon: I reacted the same way when one of my best friends got engaged, I’m ashamed to say. I was going through a rough patch with SO, and she texted me saying she was engaged. I started crying and didn’t text back. I finally realized I was being a terrible friend, and called and let her know why I didn’t text back: that I was jealous.. I told her I knew it wasn’t right and that I wanted to make up for it. And that I loved her and was genuinely happy for her.
After that, I dealt with the jealousy a lot better. I guess it took the jealousy “power” away by telling her what was going on. It held me more accountable to not let it take over, ya know?
Maybe that’s something you can do with your brother?
Post # 5
It sounds like you’ve done quite a bit of self-reflection and you know what you need to do! Reach out to your brother and his Fi… even just going out to dinner with them will make you feel better! (((hug)))
Post # 6
@Shirinjoon:First of all, I think it’s great that you’re being honest with yourself and taking a step back to be objective. While it’s possible that those who know you well may pick up on occasional vibes from you that you’re not as joyful and radiant as you usually are, its also probably true that people are not aware of how you’ve been feeling inside. Although it might have affected your relationships somewhat in some ways, it certainly doesn’t sound from what you’re saying that any major damage has been done or that you’ve acted out on your feelings in any big way, so that’s a good thing!
I think that it’s human nature to feel jealous and frustrated in situations like this. for example, my best friend is trying to get pregnant and has been for like 5 years. To her, it seems like everyone else is having babies but her, and she is happy for people who can conceive, but it kinda calls attention to the thing that is painful for her and that is not easy. It can be like rubbing salt in a raw wound. I can see how you could be feeling that way, too. It’s understandable. The thing do to is to, yes, work on being happy for your brother and for others, but also, don’t beat yourself up about the feelings that come up for you. Do find some other things that you can pour yourself into right now. Set some goals, like entering a half marathon or something — things that you can control and feel good about. Share about those with other people when they update you on their engagements, etc. Remind yourself about the good things in your relationship, etc. Thanks for your honesty and realness! =]
Post # 7
Girl, I was the SAME way!!! It starts to hurt your feelings because you feel inferior/your SO doesn’t love you as much, etc. etc. I think those feelings are normal, I really do. Some people just hide them better. I am absolutely no good at hiding feelings, if I have any, you will know what they are. I don’t mean to be mean or whatever, that’s just how I am. That being said, I practiced containing myself and being polite in public and if I wanted to be pissed/sad/mopey, whatever for 5 mins when I got home, I would do that. I thought about it like this: how would I want this person to react to my news? And that’s how I helped improve my feelings. There were people meeting each other, dating, getting engaged, AND married before I even got a proposal! That really started to hurt after a while. To add to that, I don’t think guys think of it as quite the competition that women do. My FI wanted to wait until he could afford the ring I really wanted, which now that I have it I am super thankful but when I was waiting, it just felt like an excuse. I don’t really think you can change how you feel, just how you deal with it. Give yourself a few minutes to be mad about it, or you will start resenting your SO/other people.
Post # 8
When I started getting to that point I had to FORCE myself to leave the ‘Bee and stop thinking about weddings. Period. The only thing that helped me was quitting cold turkey and re-focusing on our relationship.
Post # 9
Wow, these responses just go to show how wonderful you bees really are! I feel so much better just getting everything out there, and it really helps to know I’m not the first one to have experienced these feelings. While it’s true that I haven’t been outwardly bratty or rude to my brother and his fiance, I also haven’t been my usual sweet self. I plan to make up for that the next time I see them. And although my feelings of jealousy haven’t completely disappeared, I’ve made a decision to do everything in my power to NOT let it take over me. It’s so true that I would NEVER want someone to react negatively toward me when I’m engaged, etc. I’m going to make this right, but I know it will take some time and that I can’t magically change how I feel.
But I do already feel so much better thanks to you all!
Post # 10
I know how you feel, too, because I was the SAME way when I was waiting (especially at the end). Every time someone announced their engagement I would cry and become moody in front of my then-BF, and when I went to weddings it was SUPER tough to keep a smile on my face, even if I was so happy for the couple. It was just so painful to see everyone else being able to experience what I wanted SO bad. It seemed like right before we got engaged (but already had picked out the ring) EVERYONE was getting engaged, too, so it made it that much harder.
Looking back, I realize how bad I was making myself look. It’s always easier to know this in hindsight, though, isn’t it? At the time I just wanted my BF to know how p***ed I was that these girls were getting what I thought he should give to me. It was even harder when the couple had been together for way less time than us–talk about salting the wound! It has all worked out now, as we were able to afford the ring I love and a house, but man was waiting one of the hardest times of my life!
It’s good that you recognize how you are feeling. Just know that it is natural to feel jealous about these things, but make sure you don’t act on it to the people involved. Vent to us, as you did, and vent to a friend who is not involved. When you feel like you are ready, congratulate your brother and his FI and think of the positives of the situation–a big party, great food, and your brother will be really happy at the end of it all 🙂