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Personally I wouldn't tell him. I am a very honet person but in this situation I do not think that any good can come out of this. I am so sorry you are going through this situation and feel so much guilt, but since you didn't cheat (you weren't together) and you told him vaguely about the situation I think him not only knowing more but bringing up this situation again will just make things worse.
I wouldnt tell him. I think you told him enough, it would be one thing if you were in a serious commited relationship back then but you werent.
I wouldn't tell him. It might ease your conscience, but that would be an awful burden to put on him. If you KNOW that will never ever happen again, I don't see that anything constructive could come out of telling him. If you tell him now, he is going to wonder why you weren't 100% honest at the time and might have a bit less trust in you in the future.
The situation is over and I don't see anything good coming out of rehashing it now. I understand you don't want secrets between you, but in this case, I think unburdening yourself could cause more harm than good. Maybe it would help to think of it as the burden of you having to keep this secret is the price you have to pay for your indiscretion; you do not want to tell and shift the burden of knowing to him just to ease your own conscience (hope that made sense!)
Honestly I wouldn't tell him. It seems horrible to think but keep your past as your past and just move forward. You were in a rough patch and now you guys are going strong so don't do anything to jeopardise that. Plus you guys weren't together then and it seems like he made screw ups back then and you've gotten over it, so just move forward and don't worry you tech. have nothing to feel guilty about.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did absolutely nothing wrong. It's perfectly fine to sleep with anyone you want to when you are not in a committed relationship. Stop feeling guilty and don't bring it up.
I wouldn't say anything. Even relationship experts say that if it was a one-time freak-accident thing... and if NOTHING good will come of you revealing the truth, then just don't say anything.
I'm with roxy821 - don't tell him. Nothing good can come out of it. You didn't cheat on him since you guys were temporarily broken up and he already knows (and is upset by) the generalities of what went down. He doesn't need to know any more.
I'm going to vouch for not telling him as well. You'd be telling him to make yourself feel better and to relieve you of the guilt (which is totally understandable) but what good could possibly come from it? You've told him something happened, you've apologized, and together you both have moved on.
You may very well be right - he realized you weren't just waiting around for him to grow up and decide to be with you, which scared him because he suddenly realized he didn't have all the time in the world. So can you really 100% regret it? My FI & I were dating exclusively but were not "official" for 4 months before I got the courage to tell him I wanted to be his girlfriend and nothing else. We were both upset and miserable for about a week, but he wised up and now, a year later, we're engaged. Sometimes things like that are what it takes.
*hugs* I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I really don't think you should tell him.
I agree with all of the PP. Don't tell him. I'm normally a proponent of 100% honesty and disclosure, but you didn't cheat on him. To use a very trite expression, you were "on a break" and you did nothing wrong.
You have nothing to feel guilty for and telling him would only upset him.
I don't think you need to tell him. It's in the past and it was when you were broken up. The fact that he couldn't get on a plane to come see you pretty much reflects how he felt at that point. Did he ever tell you what he was doing during all that time?
I had bee in a very simiiar situation. I had ended up fessing up to my ex after a year of telling him the we hd only fooled around and he ended up leawving me. There is no reason to tell him any of this now.
Wow thank you. I was kind of expecting everyone to be like, "YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM NO MATTER WHAT" so I'm glad to hear you guys dont think I need to. That actually helps out A LOT! I have been thinking about it a lot lately because we will be attending an event where that guy will be there. I know he wouldn't say anything but the thought just makes me uncomfortable.
Agreed, since you weren't really "together together" it does not need to be shared what you were doing.
Agree with PP - don't tell him - it will only open new wounds and pour salt on the old ones. You have a great future ahead of you together - that's more important than a random hook up with an acquaintance.
Don't beat yourself up about it!!!
Just wanted to add another vote to Don't tell. I don't think you did anything wrong at the time. It sucks to keep secrets, but he already knows the jist of what happened and you have nothing to gain from telling.
I don't think it is okay to lie to your FI. Ultimately I would be concerned that this will come out later and mess up your marriage. Better to get it out now than have it come out later. I personally think you should 'fess up.
This reminds me of that episode on Friends where Ross and Rachel were broken up and he slept with someone and Rachel found out and she was so upset and for like the REST of the show whenever it came up he would yell" WE WERE ON A BREAK!" basically I vote for don't tell him, you didn't cheat and it's in the past
Agree with all PP, don't bother telling him. You were on a break, you told him you kissed someone else, I don't think he needs to know details.
It was in the past, let yourself let go of it.
I am surprised that I am the only one (so far) that is going to suggest that you tell him. It is going to be hard and he will be hurt... but I think it will be worse if he finds out or you descide to tell him later on cause you can't hold it in anymore. I think it is kind of ironic(?) that you guys were separated because of his lying and then you chose to lie to him. . IMO I think you would be starting off on a really bad foot if you are keeping secrets from your FI. Maybe look at it from his shoes. . would you want to know if he had lied about what happened during your separation? I think that the guilt you are feeling might be a gut feeling that you know you have to tell him. . . ? It is a tough call though...
I am sorry you have to make this choice.. and I hope you think really hard about it.
Edit: I was the only one when I started typing
He doesn't need to know the specifics....afterall, he had the decency to act like a jerk, which lead to a break-up...A BREAK-UP...you 2 weren't techincally together; therefore, you did nothing wrong. Actually, you should pat yourself on the back for telling him that you did spend the night kissing another guy and sleeping with him in your bed....your now FI didn't even need to know that, nor did he have the right to know that. I think you feel guilty because you are obviously so devoted and in love with him, but please do not feel guilty anymore (or tell him because nothing good will come of it...what's in the past is in the past). I would just live life in the present and future. Look at how happy you 2 are now and what is to come in your futures together. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason (look what wonderful things happened for you because of your secret night), and I also believe it's OK to keep some things to yourself.
@Redeemed Rebekah - Your post actually helps a lot. If the situation were reversed I WOULD NOT want to know if he had done anything. I don't consider that my business since we weren't together at the time, in my opinion and it would really hurt me to know that now since we are so happy, it wouldn't change how I feel about him, but it would just irk me. Your post pretty much made me decide not to tell him.
@blankname: I like how you viewed this by putting yourself in his shoes. And, I think you are right...it wouldn't have how he feels about you, it would just be knowledge that would, as you say, irk him.....TOTALLY UNNECESSARY! Just be happy :)
Well I am glad I could help. lol. I have never been in your position so I have no clue what I would do at this point. But you make the choice and live with it so do as you think is best for both you & your FH. :)
Dharma and Greg was pretty much the dumbest show ever, but there was one episode that really stuck with me. One of them cheated, and the MIL said, (paraphrased) "Some burdens, you deserve to bear alone." I think this is one of them. Bear this burden yourself (frankly I don't think you owe it to him to tell him anyway, since you weren't together) and move on. Finally your relationship is back on track, what good would come from dredging up the past?
I wouldn't tell him. You already confessed that you fooled around with the guy and he slept in your bed. He doesn't need to know that you "kinda sorta almost" had sex..because I don't really feel like you did..I mean you said you started to, but once it happened you knew it wasn't right.
Stop making yourself feel guilty about this. Things happened, you confessed, it's over! now let it go and focus on building a wonderful relationship with FH. Confessing this one little detail to him is just going to bring it all into the open again and make both of you hurt even more. Make a promise to be honest with him from now on and stick to it. But bringing this up is just going to hurt both of you not help anything. Move on! you're together! be happy!
Also I know a few girls have said to tell him because what if it comes out later in your marriage..I don't see how this would come out later..unless YOU told him...I mean your roommate knows he slept in your room, knows you fooled around, but doesn't know that for a moment there was..you know...actual sex..you didn't actually go through with it!
I wouldn't want to know if he did so I wouldn't tell him if I were you. It will only hurt him and since you were not together you did not cheat.
Some things are better left unsaid. Move on and focus on positive things for your relationship.
I wouldn't tell him. Telling him is just a way to assuage your own guilt and will do nothing but hurt him. Really, there's no good reason for saying anything about it at this point.
I agree with everyone else - don't tell him. You guys were in a committed relationship so you should been able to make your own choices and decision.
Just one more vote for not telling him. You weren't together, you didn't do anything wrong, and this would only hurt him unnecessarily. Try to give yourself a break!
I wouldn't lie if he asks, but who loves to bring up past relationships really?!? I think being happy and open with your healthly relationship now is what you should concentrate on.
I WOULD NOT TELL HIM!
He already knows the jist of things and and to be honest it won't help anything. some things are better off being left in the dark..plus u guys werent together @ the time!
I know I'm going against the grain, but my vote is to tell him. It would eat me up until I did. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear right now :/
Just adding my vote to the "not telling him" camp.
I'm a big fan of Dan Savage, and he's written about this before. Telling your FI now would really just be selfish - it would be to ease your own guilt, right? And it would only hurt him and hurt your relationship. The kind thing to do would be to not say anything.
The worst part about a situation like this is that we put so much pressure on ourselves to be honest about every single little thing, when there's no need! You weren't together when it happened, and you told him more than you had to anyway. You did not do anything wrong, and in my opinion (and to be really frank), we're all entitled to our privacy with respect to previous relationships. And on the flip side, you said you wouldn't want to know if it were him. I wouldn't either!
If you had cheated and slept with someone without using protection and possibly exposed him to an STI, I think that's a totally different situation. But it sounds like you just need to give yourself permission to have things in your past that you keep to yourself - and you are totally and completely entitled to that!
I hope you can let yourself move on... guilt is an awful awful feeling. Good luck, and I hope everything gets better from here :)
Honestly, I would tell him. I'm a big beliver in no secrets between a husband and wife (or future husband and wife). I think that if he were to find out later after you are married it could really hurt your relationship. Telling him would be super hard, but its better to get it out of the way. You may not have done anything wrong, but if you are feeling guilty about not telling him, then that's a big sign that you should tell him. Good luck!
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I'm a frequent poster but just cannot bring myself to write this under my "real" name. I know its long but I really need some insight.
I've been keeping a pretty big secret from my FH. Back story: We went through a really rough patch after college. w/o going into all the details, I was basically waiting for over a year for now FH to make a decision on our relationship. As a result of his actions and poor planning I made the decision to move back home and told him if he wanted to be with me than he could come be with me. We got to a point where I told him I no longer wanted to be with a liar and so forth and I wasn't going to wait for him to grow up and we were done. We still continued to talk and we made plans for him to come visit. (We had made plans about a hundred times and he always backed out at the last minute, he went as far one time to tell me he had a plane ticket and was leaving in the morning, when I called him to ask if he was on his way to the airport, he said he was sorry but that he'd lied...this was a pattern for awhile). So I didn't have that much hope. I still considered us on a break at the time too. Well the saturday before he was due to come up, me roomate and I started drinking wine, we both were pretty drunk when her boyfriend and his friend came over. Her bf's friend I'd known for awhile and had my boy not been in the picture I could have totally seen us having a normal relationship and possibly being together. To get to the point of it all, we ended up in my room, made out, fooled around, and ended up having sex, well sort of, as soon as we started I guess I had a moment where I realized what I was doing so I told him to stop and we went to bed. The next morning my boy called me over and over but I didn't answer because the other guy was still in my roon (and then I began feeling like the worst person ever). After the guy left, I called my boy and told him basically what happened (I left out the sex and fooling around bit, I told him we had made out a lot and that he slept in my bed). He was really upset. Although we weren't technically in a relationship we were still trying to work things out, but I will admit I was very bitter towards him and kind of glad that I could hurt him the way he hurt me. It sounds very messed up but I think all that happening made him realize he was loosing me, because the next month he found a job in my city and moved here and then a year later we got engaged, and now we've been engaged for a couple months. Well that brings me to this. I never told him we had sex and the guilt is eating me alive. I know it still hurts him to think about me kissing another guy, I'm terrified that he will leave me if he knew the truth. So what do I do? Do I tell him and risk loosing him or do I not tell him and then keep this secret/lie from him?
Help please!