I have an irrational fear of being cheated on and its completely consuming me…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - parent's backyard

I think it would help to talk to somebody — at the very least, a relative or friend? 

I have an irrational fear that my husband or I are going to die too young and the other will be left alone. it doesn’t exactly consume me, but it does occasionally give me anxiety to think about it, and ruins my enjoyment of some things.  

I know my particular problem isn’t exactly the same as yours, but they may have the same underlying theme: the idea of losing somebody you love.  Fear of loss is super common and nothing to be ashamed about. I’ve turned to my sister to talk about it, and she helps me feel so much better. I strongly advise you to find somebody to talk to you too. really, it helps. 

Post # 3
Member
4640 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Like PP I have an irrational fear of dying and not being able to spend as much time with my FI as I would like.. It doesn’t consume me anymore, but if I were to bottle it up inside as I used to, it would. 

Talking absolutely helps. If you’re hesitant about going to a professional, seek out someone you trust besides your FI.. Its nice that he’s so supportive but maybe hearing from someone else may help.

Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Definitely seek help on this topic. I am not at all sure your anxiety is currently under control. 🙁

Post # 5
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

What would it HURT to speak with a professional? I think you know what you need to do and just want someone to say it to you. So let me: Go talk to someone. You don’t have to feel like this. And feeling like this will not help your relationship. There are so many options available, and you will find the one(s) that work best for you to help you achieve the best life possibel.

Post # 6
Member
10999 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

The best thing about your post is that you already understand that your consuming, overwhelming fear concerning this is not rational.  That’s a huge step in the right direction.  If you didn’t know that, you’d have an even more difficult time overcoming it.

It’s not that your being cheated on is completely outside the realm of possibility.  However, from everything that you’ve said in your post, it is highly unlikely to happen.

Every day, you are able to function normally in life all the while taking some minmal risks, most of which you likely take without even thinking about them.  For example, every time you get into a motor vehicle, you understand that there is a risk that you could be involved in an accident, but yet, you don’t allow a consuming fear of that happening to keep you from going to work or going shopping or doing errands or traveling on vacation.

I’ve heard it said — and I agree with this statement — that it’s impossible to try not to think about something.  If I said, “Quick, do NOT think about an elephant,” the very first thing you’re going to picture is an elephant. The WAY to stop thinking about something is not to try not to think about that particular thing but, rather, to choose to think about something else.  In this case, I would focus on trying to think about healthy, positive, productive things instead of taking time to entertain thoughts of “What if he cheats? When will he cheat? How will he cheat? With whom will he cheat? What am I going to do if he cheats?”

I agree with prior posters that it would be useful for you to talk with someone.  I suggest that you seek out a good counselor who should be able to help you understand why you think and feel the way that you do and to redirect those feelings and thoughts more constructively.

Post # 7
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

tooanxious:  Yes, I think you need to reach out to your FI.  Dumb or not, this fear is altering your personality at the moment, and causing distance in your relationship.  

Is this fear ‘new?’ – since your engagement occurred?  I am not saying the lengths of which this fear is taking control of you is normal, but I would have to think that a lot (myself included) when looking toward a marriage think thru the full spectrum of where life may go.  Will we be happy forever?  Have chemistry?  Passion?  What would cause a divorce, if anything?  Sure, they are ‘negative’, but they are also very real life things that COULD hinder a marriage!!

What about this fear is causing you anxiety…is it that he will leave you, that he will never trust you again, that you would need to leave him??  I ask these questions, because it may add insight for you on what exactly about the fear of him cheating is causing you distress?!  All of the above?!

Listen, no one has a crystal ball.  No one can tell you with 100% certainty that your FI will NOT cheat on you, just as no one can tell me the same!!  What you can do is TALK about it, in length, with the one you love.  To keep complete transparency in your relationship, always.  If that means you allow each other access to personal accounts to make you feel safe, so be it.  My best guess is that he will have nothing to hide, nor should.  Work the ‘issue’, do not hide from it!!  

FWIW, my irrational fear is flying.  I have to take steps to get myself on a plane on each and every time, and to make it work, but I still fly 🙂  (Kinda different, but a fear is a fear!)

Post # 8
Member
5279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

tooanxious:  “I’m torn about seeking professional help because I’m already aware I have anxiety issues and presume these thoughts are a result of that. I choose not to take medication because my anxiety is manageable, but is it? I feel like I’m spending so much time in my head thinking about this that our connection is suffering and that also makes me anxious.”<br /><br />I think you are answering your question right there.  Your idea of manageable is probably off.  I believe that yes, you must see a professional.

Post # 9
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think i’s really awesome that you recognize that this is an unfounded and irrational fear. If you hadn’t talked to your fiance in the past I would definitely say to start with talking to him. But since that hasn’t worked in the past, maybe it would be better to try talking to someone else. If you’ve got other anxiety issues then it might be helpful to talk about anxiety, in general, with some sort of professional, in addition to this specific fear. I have no idea if meds would be necessary or not, but it seems like you need to do something different, since it’s been a recurring issue. 

If this wasn’t affecting your relationship then I wouldn’t worry about it. But it is affecting your relationship. So I’d not let it fester. Let your fiance know that you’re having these fears, and that you know it’s not rational, and that you’re working to deal with it. That way he can understand your mood and try to be supportive. 

I think this is totally overcomeable. But it’s good to recognize and deal with it before it does any damage to you or your relationship.

Post # 10
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

tooanxious:  While I agree with the idea of perhaps reaching out to get some help, I too have irrational fears but have started feeling better after understanding that it’s too burdensome to worry about things that are out of your control. What about some books? My cousin loves to call them self-development instead of self-help but hey I’ve come across some great ones including those by Dr. Brene Brown (she’s fabulous). This one looks like a good read too:

http://www.amazon.com/When-Panic-Attacks-Drug-Free-Anxiety/dp/076792083X/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1399571103&sr=8-5&keywords=anxiety

Post # 11
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

tooanxious:  I know medication is not for everyone, but in my own experience getting on the correct medication made me into a completely different (better!) person. There was always something bothering me before, something annoying me, or something worrying me. It put some strain on my relationship with my FI. Now, after being on medication for a few months, our relationship is the best its ever been. Just giving you some food for thought. Don’t be scared of get help, whether it be talking to a professional or medication.

Post # 12
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am an extremely anxious person. I have been doing better since I just let my FI know when I am getting all crazy in my head. I find that saying it out loud – calmly, and then saying out loud that I know it is irrational helps. I would for sure reccommend talking to someone about it. 

My crazypants fear is flying. I can’t even describe the horrible thoughts I have sometimes. Yowza. Also – I have never had a negative experience flying and I fly fairly regularly. 

Post # 13
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with PPs, you should speak to a professional to help calm you and maybe retrain your brain to stop? (If that’s possible). Pick up a hobby or two as well. Keep your mind busy. But for sure speak with somebody. If they are consuming you then it’s not under control. You don’t want to ruin this great relationship you have with your SO because of unfounded fears or thoughts. 

Post # 14
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s not really logical to say you don’t want to speak to a professional beacuse you already know you have anxiety issues and it’s manageable, but there’s nothing about having anxiety that warrants NOT talking to a professional. That person can help you manage your anxiety as well as irrational fears.

You definitely need to work out a way to move past this, your almost husband will probably only put up with hearing it for so long. It would really upset me if my husband was constantly acting like I was going to cheat on him when I had never shown him any reason to distrust or doubt me. And you have to remember that with every bad story aboutanything, there are good ones. And people always prefer to gossip about and talk about the bad stuff, no one runs around being like “omg so and so has such a great marriage”, it’s not good “material” unfortunately. But good faithful marriages DO exist, for probably more people than cheater ones do!

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