Post # 1
My MIL is very lazy, condescending, needy, lonely, illiterate, controlling, meddlesome, and she has terrible hygiene (she burps loudly and often and doesn’t have the courtesy to cover her mouth).
I have been trying for the past 4 years that I have been dating my fiance to look past her flaws. Early in the relationship, she always had something negative to say about my hair. My MIL enjoys being negative and saying hurtful things for no reason. I have never provoked her.
I have tried the “ignore her and just treat her with kindness and the way a normal person would like to be treated” approach. I have spoken to my fiance about her numerous times. I hoped that he would at least be able to address the issues. To my shock, every single time he downplays her actions and acts as if he has no clue what is going on. Then when I bring up any of her actions, my fiance always retorts and states that I am being disillusional.
The first time he got to see his beloved mother in her true demon form was last night. I was very sick and my MIL told me I was ugly/looked like hell. Mind you I had been bedridden for over 18 hours. Then, she proceeded to call me stupid for looking after her son whom I had got the chest cold from. I was too sick to even mentally fight her back.
I cannot wait to move to a new city, state, country, planet, universe, or dimension just to be away from her constant negativity. She is very immature. I am not sure we can ever have a meaningful relationship.
Post # 2
She has never been happy for me. She never wanted us to get married in the first place. She told her son over and over that he was not going to marry me. My fiance states it was because his mom said we were too young. Meanwhile, my MIL’s very own 23 year old daughter married a middle aged man after only dating him for one year. I am older than her daughter, and I have formal education and life experiences that I am pretty sure qualify me as capable of saying if I am ready for marriage.
Post # 3
Well, I think you need to stop telling your husband to “do something about her” because he can’t. He can’t change her personality and her nature. This is his mother, after all, and as obnoxious and hateful as she is (towards you) he probably loves her very much, even though she’s hard to love.
When you “tried” the accepting and treating her with kindness thing I really think that is the way to go. Just keep it up. She is a limited person in all areas. She is not going to change. When she calls you ugly and is just plain mean to you, just keep in mind that’s her personality and she may even be a little disturbed. Just let it roll off your back.
Cut back on the time, you personally, spend around her for your own self preservation. I would not, however, drive a wedge between her and your husband. Ironically he will just come to resent YOU and not his mother. Plus do you really want to distance your husband from his mother?!
Be strong, keep your chin up, be tolerant and just be an oasis for your husband. He obviously needs you.
Post # 4
It’s fine that you don’t like her.
Unfortunately, if your fiancé doesn’t see the problem with his mom’s behavior, you’re going to be dealing with her and her nonsense for a long time. That’s his mom, so the solution to this issue, which involves boundaries and distance, won’t work very well if he’s not on board with them.
Is he willing to set up and enforce boundaries that will protect you and any children you have from her nonsense? If he isn’t willing to do that, rethink your decision to marry him. That may sound harsh, but the reality is that a spouse’s refusal or unwillingness to keep a troublemaking parent at a healthy distance is a recipe for marital problems and/or an unhappy life.
Tell him how much you’d rather not have his mom around you or in your life and ask him what he’s willing to do about this. If you don’t like his answer or he doesn’t follow through, leaving him is a good thing to do. Again, it sounds harsh, but you should be content and comfortable with your family, and this is a situation that usually prevents that.
Post # 5
It is very problematic that your husband isn’t willing to stand up for you. He is either afraid of his mother or used to her nasty behavior. His attitude towards the situation is very disrespectful to you and the marriage.
I agree with everything you said. If my husband did not set boundaries with his mother, I would not stay with him because her behavior is reprehensible.
Post # 6
sarahs905: You can’t control someone’s actions, but I’d be a bit worried that your husband doesn’t defend you. While I don’t like the idea of making a man choose between his mom and partner, you two are married, and he should be there to support YOU. If he can’t do that, I’d rethink the relationship. Not because he’s a bad person, but because he may not be able to give you what you want.
Post # 7
Consider your interactions with her honestly in your own mind: do you think maybe she’s feeling like you’re judging her harshly and she’s coming up wanting in her eyes? Not that it excuses her being rude/mean to you, but from the tone of this post it sounds a little like you might not be hiding your poor opinion of her from her all that well (ie, what relevance does her being illiterate have? Or your having formal education?). I’m not trying to accuse you of anything here, you know how your interactions with her go down better than anyone here, but maybe something to think about?
Also, is it possible that your FI has different standards than you so he really doesn’t see how she’s so offensive? Like, for me, the burping thing wouldn’t be an issue. But, also, she’s the woman who (I assume) raised him so this is probably what he grew up around. For example, I once dated a guy and when I met his parents, I discovered they lived in filth. As in, literally, they left their dogs’ excrement all around, every inch of the floor was covered in junk and garbage so you had to weave your way around it, etc. When we left, I kind of gently prodded him like “Wow, your parents’ house, huh?” and he completely did not understand that there was anything gross/unsanitary about their living situation. It was what he’d grown up with, it didn’t bother him.
But, regardless, if your FMIL is tearing you down, it’s time for your FI to go to bat for you. This is absolutely the most important issue right now for you. He should realize that the things his mom is saying are upsetting you and step in. If you can, try to limit your time with her so that there’s fewer opportunities for hurtful words and maybe the time apart will give you both a chance to settle into a more neutral relationship. You don’t necessarily ever have to have a meaningful relationship with her if you’re just not compatible, but you also don’t deserve to come out of every visit with her feeling torn down.
Post # 8
Your title made me laugh!
Post # 9
that stinks that your husband isn’t backing you up, hopefully after last night he will start to notice more of what is happening. It could also just be that he is used to her behavior and doesn’t see it as unsettling as an outsider would. Either way you need him on your side and since you are now married, that’s where he ought to be even I he doesn’t “agree” that there is a problem. If your MIL is causing you to feel belittled he needs to step in and say something or step out of the way and let you say it without his input.
I can’t help but remember that monster in law movie with Jennifer Lopez, when I saw it years ago I was sooo inexperienced that I thought “no way could a real mother in law behave like this!”
I don’t know what it is but they turn crazy. It isn’t with the son in law either, always the daughter in laws. I saw long before my wedding,on my wedding day when MIL wore a white lace drace, and even to this day two years and a grandchild later that yup… Something happens to MILs that just flips a switch and they go into crisis mode and attack.
I wouldn’t let this continue any longer. Ask/tell your husband that you need him to back you up and go to the source. You don’t have to be best friends with your MIL but tell her like it is.
Post # 10
sarahs905: I never got along with my late MIL until my husband passed away. I think she hated me because I took her only son away. She never seemed to feelthat I was good enough for her son. Mind you, I have a MAster’s Degree and have been a teacher for 14 tyears whereas her son was on the 20 year plan finishing college (though he had a good job). Then, when my husband passed, it all changed and she LOVED me. I could do no wrong. Go figure.
It could just be that she is angry that she is “losing” her son. you may need to do what my husband and I did and just not speak to her for a very long time.
Post # 11
The good news is since you are not yet married, she’s not your mother-in-law.
And if this is a preview of things to come with your FI, maybe she shouldn’t be.
Post # 12
LittleWillow: Thank you for the advice. I don’t want to cause any more drama than need be.
Post # 13
wifetobee63: I hate to ex her out completely. My fiance is a big family person. I figured that one of the reasons she is so lonely and desperate for affection from any male figure is becasue her own husband works late/oddly scheduled shifts, and she is left alone at home during the nighttime. Also, her oldest son is currently incarcerated. My hope is that when he gets out, she will have a new pet project to devote all of her time towards.
Post # 14
Rhopalocera: My fiance’s personality is very compromising, peaceful, easygoing, and passive. This is the way he is in every aspect from work to rush hour driving. That is one of the great qualities I admire about him. He does not get upset from life’s daily little setbacks, and he always has a positive attitude. Seriously, he is Mr. Ray of Sunshine.
It is also an annoying quality sometimes because he just doesn’t get the gravity of every situation. He is so quick to just make peace with all things and lose ground in order to be so laid back all the time.
Post # 15
sarahs905: join my world. My MIL talks shit about me behind My back. She maybe thought I counldnt hear Her. Husbands flat out said I’m lying. He doesn’t ever stand up for me against that witch and honestly I’m sick of it. I almost would advise you to dump your BF bc it won’t ever get better. Then you will just be waiting until the day she dies. It’s not a fun life