(Closed) I have hit the wall….sort of long.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@speechgal44:  Nobody should make you feel that way 🙁 Every girl should feel special…

Is it your money (combined) or he is giving his money? If it is joint money, you should talk to him and make sure you are clear where you stand- yes they need those things, but if it is your money too, he should talk to you first without just off and giving it.. Have you tried explaining your concerns to him? Or is this something that has just started to bother you recently? It seems to me (and I’m no expert) that when children from past relationships are involved, things can get tricky and there need to be boundaries established and clear communication.
I really hope it works out- talk to him, and hope for the best

Post # 5
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@speechgal44:  Hmmm, so my DH has children and I really try not to question him when he is spending on his children unless it is something completely frivolous, but even then it is his money and his family.  I guess what I don’t understand is what is stopping you from getting a new car on your own, with your own money? 

ETA:  I think a man that makes his children a priority is an exceptionally good quality.  I’d take a man that makes his daughter breakfast in bed over one that is a deadbeat and never sees/speaks with his children.  It sounds like they have needs for food, counseling & other necessities, and that is something he can’t ignore as a parent.  Perhaps you can set a budget for joint household expenses and each contribute enough of your separate incomes to cover them.  Then whatever each of you have left you can use for your separate priorities – his for his children, you for your new car.

Post # 6
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@speechgal44:  then I would absolutely talk to him, there NEED to be boundaries.. otherwise people (kids, his ex, whoever..) will take advantage…. and if its coming out of household expenses he really should be talking to you first.. I’ve never been in a similar situation 🙁 so unfortunately that’s about the extent of the advice I can think of. I hope you can talk it out!

Post # 7
Member
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If he’s giving them more than they require for necessities while making you wait for a new car that you need, it’s too much.  I’d tell him to shove it.

Post # 10
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@speechgal44:  We have both separate accounts and a joint account.  I don’t think money has anything to do with intimacy, other than that it has the potential to cause big knock-down-drag-out fights and is one of the most common causes of divorce.  But that is just what works for us, obviously you need to find out what works for you guys.  I’d steer clear of putting him in a position of choosing between you or his children though, that is a recipe for disaster.  You should start thinking of his children as your family, too, and maybe you’ll feel differently.

Post # 11
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m coming from the side of  a divorced woman who shares custody of two children with my ex. Groceries and counseling? These are considered unreasonable to you? These are your FI’s children and I commend him for taking care of them. 

Maybe he doesn’t feel that he needs to mention every single transaction that involves his kids, because, well they are his kids and it doesn’t seem that you are involved with them. I think that you two need to sit down and go over a household budget which includes his children’s expenses. If you don’t want to consider that child support part of your combined budget then you need to speak up about that. I can imagine that he might not be thrilled to hear it.

I live with my SO and if he ever said anything to me about the money that I spend on my children for groceries and counseling well I can tell you he probably wouldn’t  be living here any longer. In fact, he is the one who volunteered and pays for my own daughter’s counseling. 

When you are with someone who already has children, I think that you need to understand that at least for a period of time until they are grown, the kids come first before anything else.

 

Post # 14
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I can see your frustration. So step back a bit, and then speak to him calmly about it. If you can’t afford things, then its time to rework the budget. 

Post # 15
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you need to talk to your FI about how you’re feeling. It’s a subject that’s going to be difficult, because you can’t really hate on a guy for trying to take care of his kids, but at the same time, you do have some legitimate concerns about your future financial health you deserve to have addressed. Maybe you could suggest to him that the two of you see his lawyer and talk over options to address the support (especially if he’s still paying on two kids that no longer live there).

As far as the goats though…. wtf. You should definitely come before those. 

Post # 16
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Try two separate accounts and one joint account for household expenses which may have you both put money in based on what you pay for rent/mortgage, utilities, food and gas if you share a car. The kids should come from his separate account and your new car should come from yours unless the children will be living with you, then they are part of your joint household expenses.

Talk him about setting up a budget which includes how much he is going to give the ex in terms of child support and how much a month he’ll give the kids as an allowance for things they want but don’t need. That should cut down on the impulse buys for the kids and the child support should cover groceries and clothing and part of housing if the ex is not irresponsible. If she is, then he needs to start thinking about the things the kids need and buy those directly and keep them at his house. Clothes for Christmas and that sort of thing.

With the allowance, the best system I’ve seen is a three “bank” system with the money he gives, 1/3 for savings 1/3 for charity/gifts 1/3 for fun money the kids can spend on whatever they want.

That way you can stop looking at every purchase for his kids as something you can’t have and he can still feel like he’s doing his job as their father and giving them the best he can.

If he does nice things for the kids when he has them, let him. Sounds like he has weekends with them. That’s a big deal to have so little time with one parent. Still, talk to him about the money spent and keep it out of your joint account.

Edit: I see with your update that the kids are older. I see your stress there. If the kids are still under 18, he still needs to pay for them, but if they are over 18 or empanicipated, he shouldn’t… but the laws may be different.

The topic ‘I have hit the wall….sort of long.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors