(Closed) I have never dealt with this and need help…VERY LONG

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yeah, your MIL is being innapropriate, but mom’s do that sometimes. I think the worst thing you can do is drag your DH into issues with his Mom. It doesn’t surprise me she overreacted and said she will just back out of your lives, when he asked her to stop mentioning the ex’s. Sounds like something my mom does every single time I confront her about anything. Mom’s HATE boundaries, but weither they respond well to them or not really doesn’t matter, because what your DH said to her is out there now, and she would have some pretty big cajones should she continue doing things that bother you and your husband. Your husband probably just isn’t responding well to the quarrel with his mom and seeing you so upset. I’d say drop the issue now, it’s not worth the emotional turmoil your husband is now going thorugh. Sadly, depression runs in families and may not rear it’s head for years, but he may just have some latent issues with feeling hopeless when everything isn’t hunky dorey, and it brings out a dark side in him. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee

having suicidal thoughts is not ok. i would say he needs to see a mental health professional ASAP.

Post # 6
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My DH was suicidal at a few points in his life due to depression. Depression does run in families and it’s not a bad idea to get him talking to a family therapist just so he can figure out where this is coming from. Be supportive and stay calm. Just look at it as doing what you need to do to keep healthy.

Post # 7
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It seems like there’s 2 things going on. 1) You’re jealous when old GFs are brought up and 2) he has some psychological issues that he needs treatment for. 

For the second issue, I’d get him professional help quickly. I’m sure everything will be fine, but he needs a psychologist and/or psychiatrist. This isn’t something you can handle.

For the first issue, his mom is probably not doing this maliciously. She’s just talking about his past. She probably focused on him a lot after losing her husband. I really don’t see what the problem is with that text message. 

Post # 8
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

His mom seems like the kind of person who likes to stir up drama, there would be no other reason for her to bring up his exes and react like that to his text. She is behaving like a teenage girl, but often when their only sons get married mothers become extremely jealous and insecure, and they behave in childish ways as a result. This isnt about you, its about her, she would obviously be jealous of any other woman in her sons life, and she is trying to get his attention back through innappropriate means.

About his thoughts, if he really isnt depressed but still cant control these thoughts, it could be a form of OCD, which can be triggered by traumatic events like his father committing suicide and emerge in adulthood. Since his thoughts are related to how his father died, it seems possible. He needs to see a therapist to figure out where these thoughts are coming from, and whether or not he is depressed.

Post # 10
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I am guilty of dragging FI into issues I’ve had with his mom. His good friend is dating his ex-gf. And his mom asked me how will I feel when he brings her to the wedding adn how terrible that would be… you know to make a point.

One thing I’ve learned about some MILs is that they don’t like that you’re taking their baby away and they enjoy a good jab from time to time to remind us who is boss in things… Okay, I’m sure at this point you can sense my bitterness coming through.

FI did not take it well when I called out his mom on things to him… I do not think they are capable of taking that well. I just limit interaction with her when things start to get crazy to save my sanity. As long as he loves you, and realizes she shouldn’t be doing that I think thats good enough. He can’t change her though, he never will be able to…

As for your FI, I would sit down have a rational talk with him and tell him that sometimes you need to vent when she does something that upsets you. I tell my FI I need to vent to you about it, but I don’t expect you to do anything about it… please just listen and it’d be appreciative if you validate how I feel. It seemed to make things easier for us. Every now and then he’ll stand up to her about it. Which is good enough for me. Let him know you love him, and you’re just hurt. Be someone for him to turn to and understand he’s going through a hard time because she’s doing this. You do not want to become the bad guy.

 

 I wish you all the best and hope that you find a good balance in your relationship to handle someone like your MIL.

Post # 12
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

@lovesseaturtles: Your welcome! I hope things get better. I know exactly how you feel, trust me! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

His mom is being a mom. My FI and I are both only children, and our parents do this sometimes. My mother does it, A LOT. She always brings up if she sees an ex somewhere or if she talks to someone’s parents. It drives both FI and I crazy, and he has learned to ignore it. That really is all you can do, too. Someday she won’t see those people anymore and it will stop. By reacting, that makes her more inclined to send those messages. Now, FI and I just smile and nod and then change the subject before my mother goes down memory lane.

As for the suicide thing, I read a while ago that it is common for men in their 20’s and 30’s to become depressed and think of ending their lives. Since this also happened to his father, you may want to sit him down and ask if he wants help, and make sure he knows where to call to get help if he needs it. That is very scary and I wish you the best…When my FI’s mother passed away 2 years ago, I had to worry about this, as well, and it was horrible stressful and scary.

Post # 15
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

A doctor, like a psychiatrist, is different from a psychologist. There may be nothing medically/scientifically wrong with your husband, but talking to someone and having a protected outlet for discussion and support would probably be helpful. I would recommend that you put the MIL issues on the backburner (because really, you CAN ignore her wacky texts and antics if you want to) and support you husband in seeking out a well qualified psychologist.

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