Post # 1
So my FI just found out that his dad is cheating on his mom. Like with a serious gf and everything. He and his siblings suspected something, and so his younger brother who is still at home check their dad’s cell phone and there it was. "I love you" texts to some lady named Sally in the neighboring state.
My FIL’s marriage isn’t the best, they actually "had" to get married 30 years ago when FMIL got pregnant with my FSIL and my FI always suspected that his dad would leave his mom after his younger bro graduated from college. But he had no idea that his dad had a gf behind his mother’s back.
Now none of the kids has any plans on confronting their father. When I tried to talk to my FI about it today, he basically brushed it off. I know he always looked up to his father, and I think it’s a major shock to the system to realize that your parents are human, but my FI is acting like nothing’s different. I’m horrified by this news and I actually became sick to my stomach when he told me about it.
How can I get my FI to talk to me about my feelings? (He doesn’t usually like to talk about his emotions to begin with, but I really feel like this is something we should discuss). I’m dying to talk to him about this just so I can start to wrap my head around this, but what can I even say to him? Please help bees! I can’t talk to any of my friends about this because he swore me to secrecy!
Post # 3
i think you need to give him some time to digest the information before he is ready to talk about it. don’t force him to talk about something he is obviously shocked to learn and is probably still trying to absorb all the information. as much as you have the need to talk about it, understand his need to not talk about it right now and give it some time.
Post # 4
My FH sounds a bit like your guy – sometimes he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. This is a huge situation, and I’d be like you, needing to talk about it so bad to try and wrap my brain around it. My advice is, give him a few days and every so often ask him gently how he is doing and see if he’s open to talking. If you force him to discuss it, it might backfire. In the meantime, is there a girlfriend or someone you trust you can talk about it with, just to take some of the urge to discuss off your shoulders?
Post # 5
I definately think you need to give him some space. He’s obviously not ready to talk about it if he’s acting like nothing is happening. He’s probably having an internal tug of war. And guys take more time to process things internally before they’re ready to talk. We, on the other hand, want to let it out pretty quickly. The time will come to talk, just be patient.
Post # 6
I think the best think to do is wait until he is ready to talk about it. We had to deal with my FI parent’s divorce very early on in our relationship. I knew something was wrong at home, but it took a while for him to open up about it. I think it was just too uncomfortable and painful to talk about it right away. Also, everyone deals with news like this differently. While I was more angry about his father’s behavior, he was sadder and quieter. I agree with MsDuck, try and give it some time and just let him know you will be there when he needs to talk.
Post # 7
Futurejet- I understand the feelings about being angry with his father. I hate cheating. And when FI told me about it, it almost seemed like he was trying to justify his father’s behavior by saying his mom is annoying and that his dad’s not happy. Which makes me think, then get a divorce, don’t cheat on your wife. FI agreed with me, because he’s been cheated on before and he hates cheating also, but it still bothered me to hear him try to justify that type of behavior.
So in addition to thinking his dad’s a scum bag, now I’m wondering if I ever get annoying, will my FI cheat on me? I know it’s wrong to even think that in this situation, and I have no reason to even wonder about my FI’s fidelity, but I can’t help it! Also, I have no idea how to act around my FFIL after this. I’m not the best actress in the world, and I’m afraid that I will act weird around his dad.
Thanks for all your words of encouragement ladies, I really truly appreciate them!
Post # 8
This is very difficult – trust me, as someone who has gone through this firsthand, give him some space. I can assure you that he doesnt necessarily think its ok – he could be trying to justify in his head WHY it happened, but still knows its unacceptable.
Dont think about your FI cheating on you – his parents actions dont necessarily predict his future ones. And if you think like that, it will drive you mad. If anything, he might be less likely to ever do it after he sees what it puts him, his siblings, and his mom through.
This is an awful situation, but IF he is ever ready to talk about it he will. Just know that its difficult to ever fault a parent, so you may not see the level of disgust you expect. PM me if you want some more info -we’re here for ya!
Post # 9
Take it from someone who has been there (um, int he same exact situation) – let him have his space, don’t think about, and when he’s ready to talk to you, he will. Don’t, under any circumstances, force him to confront his father. Nothing good can come of that.
Good luck – this isn’t a fun situation for anyone 🙁
Post # 10
Tell him you love him and that you’re there to talk about things whenever he’s ready. Then give him space.
He’s in shock. He probably doesn’t even have words for how he’s feeling yet and it may take some time until he does.
Post # 11
Thanks ladies. My FI and I talked about it briefly last night, I think that may be all I’ll hear about the situation for awhile though. He agrees that his dad’s behavior is shady and he doesn’t condone it at all (I didn’t mention that I thought he was when he first told me) but that made me happy to hear that.
He and his siblings are trying to figure out how to move on from here. They don’t want to confront their dad because they don’t want him to know they were snooping around his phone. But at the same time, they don’t want their dad to continue to disrespect their mother. Since I have never been in this situation (thank GOD!) I was wondering if you had any suggestions. I know that no matter what happens people are going to be hurt by my FFIL’s selfish behavior but I feel like his wife deserves to know. (And no, I will not have any part in the confrontations or conversations regarding the situation, I just want to be there emotionally for my FI.)
Thanks so much for all your kind words and support!