Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor is my absolute best friend since 5th grade. We grew up more like sisters and have planned to be eachothers Maid/Matron of Honor since forever. Well during high school she kinda went into the wrong crowed and we would drift a little apart but we always seemed to still consider eachother the others best friend. Well she started dateing a guy during our senior year and I’ve never really cared for him but she seems to love him to no end. Well right before our high school graduation she told me she was pregnant. I supported her, her family supported her and so did her friends. It was her boyfriend who seemed to be kinda controlling. For a while she didnt see her family or me all that much. Me and my Fiance used to do stuff with them once in a while but stopped because my Fiance really didnt like her boyfriend all that much and neither did I. He just seemed to passive aggressive. Well anywho fast forward 3 years…..
Now she has 2 children with this man and they are married. She had a court house wedding with JUST his parents there (even though her family was ok with it) and honestly that hurt because we always had our plan of being eachothers Maid/Matron of Honor. We went almost a year not talking until I looked her husband up and found his myspace. I decided to write her and she seemed like she couldnt of been more excited to talk to me…almost relieved. Which made me feel better to talk to her again but at the same time seemed kinda odd of how “relieved” she seemed to hear from me again. I told her me and my Fiance were getting married and I want her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. She said “Of course I wiill” and all was good.
Her husband goes through a lot of jobs. And they seem to move alot to anywhere that they can actually affored. Then I got a email from her saying that their phone was disconnected and I will have to write her now everytime I’m in town (I now live 2hrs away but the wedding is where they live) to let her know when I will be there so she can meet up with me. Well the only time she gets to check her email is when she is at her grandmas house that has internet. Apparently they now live with her sister and I’m taking it her sister doesnt have a phone. I wrote her back on March 13 to tell her I will be in town the next weekend. Well she didnt get to check her mail till yesterday after I had done and left town, and she never wrote me back yet.
I know she has two babies and her husband is out of work so I went ahead and bought her dress. Shes a tiny girl so I know her size so it wasnt so hard to get it. And I told her that in the email……Im just not sure what to do. I cant have a Maid/Matron of Honor that is MIA. But I know it would break her heart if I picked someone else. And I cant take back the dress because its all sales are final. Help girls!
*Thanks if you made it all the way through!!!!!! =)
Post # 3
Is there any way you could drive over to her place?
Sorry, but that is all I can think of.
Post # 4
If she’s only two hours away and you know where her sister lives, you should just drive in and pay her a visit. Maybe take her for a bite to eat somewhere so you can talk to her without distractions.
Keep in mind that if she has a family and moves around a lot, she’s probably not going to be very available to help you prepare for your wedding. (Some people want their Maid/Matron of Honor to help with everything.) She may not be able to help plan a bridal shower, for example.
Sounds like you two have a special bond and you care quite a bit about this friend. I wish the best of luck to you both.
Post # 5
Can you contact her family? I definitely wouldn’t phase her out of your wedding party. It don’t think any of this is her fault. I would actually be a little concerned for her it doesn’t sound like her husband is the nicest man…
Post # 6
It sounds like she’s in a bit of a tough situation 🙁 I agree that perhaps you could set up a time with her and drive down to visit. Maybe you can make a list of things at that point to discuss, or ask her if she can do some very small projects. Does her Grandma have a phone if she has the Internet? If so, maybe you can also set up some regular phone dates – even Skype video chats if her grandmother’s computer has that capacity.
Post # 7
Thanks guys for all the advice! Im not sure where her sister lives but I doubt she is listed but I will still try! Both of my Maid/Matron of Honor parents are now deceased and her grandmother pretty much raised her. So I’m going to for sure try calling her grandma very soon. I just was hopeing there was a different way to get in contact with her then to have to go to her other family members to do it. But its super important to me that she be apart of this so I’m willing. I was already sure that she wouldn’t be able to throw me a shower or a bachelorette party but I’m really not that concerned. My aunt is already throwing me one and Im just really grateful Im getting that one. Thanks again girls! You gave me the courage to just go out there and find her myself!! tehe =)
Post # 8
hope you get in touch with her. when you do, you can find out if she has time to commit to you. let her know that you really want her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, how important it is to you, etc. but if she has too many obligations (2 babies!)…you will need other help from your bridesmaids/relatives.
hope she can be part of your wedding, but always have a planB just in case things don’t go the way you wanted.. 😉
Post # 9
To be completely honest with you (and really, I mean everything I say here kindly), I think you need a new Maid/Matron of Honor.
Your friend sounds like she is in an extremely tough situation. Her and her husband and two kids move around a lot because they are having trouble affording housing. How hard must it be for her, and for her children, to move around all the time? And now they’re staying with a sibling, which doesn’t sound good either. Her sister apparently has no internet and no phone- could it be her sister is also struggling with finances?
You deserve a Maid/Matron of Honor who can really be there with you to be excited and go shopping and do all the things that brides and MOHs do together- it sounds like she isn’t capable of even doing the mandatory things, like simply allowing you to give her a dress. It sounds like your friend wants to do this, but has other priorities in her life right now and can’t be there for you in the capacity that you want her there. It sounds like your friend really needs to get her and her family back on their feet. It sounds like she may not be in a position to help you and celebrate with you in the way you want her to be.
And that is all OK! You should have a great wedding surrounded by friends who can support you. I just don’t think your friend can *be* that Maid/Matron of Honor in her present situation. Your friend might be upset about this at first, but I really do think it’s for the best for her and for her family and for you.
Here is what I would do, if I were you: I would set up a face-to-face meeting with her. You can try to do it through email, or you can look her up and bang on her door until someone answers. Sit down with your friend and explain to her: you are so happy you two are friends, especially after the tumultuous events in her life, but you know how much of a strain this must be on her, especially with all the moving around the family is going through and husband having different jobs, and living with a sister and trying to take care of and raise two little babies. Tell her that you know that this is so much for her to take on right now in her life, and you would really rather her not be your Maid/Matron of Honor for her sake and for her family’s sake. You can definitely say how much you care about her and how much her presence at the wedding will mean to you, but the current situation is just so not fair to either of you! Tell her that you absolutely want your friend’s life and well-being and happiness to come first and that you are doing this because you care about her and want to see her happy. She cannot possibly be mad at you for that.
Good luck. I would love to know what you decide to do and how things go, if you want to keep us posted.
Post # 10
MissBurgundy: Thank you for your honesty. You are SO very right in much of what you said. I do feel a little shafted with my Maid/Matron of Honor situation and so I think I’m going to pick another girl as my “back-up” Maid/Matron of Honor just in case…but still not sure….