Post # 1
I’m sorry to come here and share this. I’m writing under an alias right now and this is the most supportive place I’ve been in a long time and I feel closer to you all than anyone else in my life.
I’m in a really bad place in my life. I’ve been unemployed for 22 months. I’m broke and I’ve spent my 401k just to get by for the past 2 years. After I got engaged, I went from a LDR to moving into my FI’s home and we were supposed to get married in July. We’ve been having problems lately and I admit that I caused them by picking fights and basically being an irrational drama queen. I’ve been suffering from severe anxiety attacks. One was so bad, he called 911 over it because I was thinking about hurting myself, and the most embarrassing part was he had a friend visiting so he had to witness the whole thing. I’m alone every day while he’s at work and he comes home every night and just wants to watch tv because he’s tired, which makes my anxiety and loneliness worse and pushes him away because I basically feel like I’m begging for him to make that time for me. I don’t have any friends here to even call or hang out with so I feel like I’m dependent on him. The last time I spent time a friend or went out socially without him was in March, 2010. To make matters worse, I think I’m developing severe depression. I already suffer from social anxiety, which makes going out and meeting new people almost debilitating, but I’ve managed to be functional most of my life so it wasn’t obvious to others how difficult it is for me. I take 20mg of Valium a day, but I don’t have much left and have been hoarding them and only taking them when I get really severe so I don’t run out. All I do every day is cry or scream and I’m scared to leave the house, but I’m uninsured and my Medicaid claim was denied as well as my food stamp request.
My FI told me last night he doesn’t think he wants to marry me anymore and he’s felt like this for a while but didn’t want to say anything. He said he might change his mind in the future, but right now can’t commit to me for his entire life because he’s not sure he wants to be with me anymore. He said can’t deal with my emotional instability right now and that I pushed him away with my behavior and if he’d known I was like this and had these problems he would have never proposed. He took the ring back. He said I could stay here, but since he doesn’t know if he even wants to be with me, why would I want to? I want to leave, but my parents said I’m an adult so I shouldn’t be living with my parents and they don’t have room for me, but I can I come home. But I could stay a maximum of a month and I would have to earn my rent by doing chores and basically living under their demands (wake up when they get up, go to sleep when they tell me to, etc.) Even if that wasn’t the case, my dad likes to spend time reminding me of what a loser I’ve become, so it’s not emotionally supportive there.
I feel like I’m a slave to either him or my parents. I have no control over anything in my life. I’m in a place right now where I don’t know where I’m going to end up in my life. I can’t just magically get a job and support myself. I apply for at least 10 jobs a day every place in the country and I’ve only gotten 2 interviews. I am in over $30,000 in debt from graduate school that I’m overdue on paying. I feel like I have nothing to live for right now. No home, no friends, no support, no relationship, and no one wants me. I can’t get help because I can’t afford it, and I have nowhere to go. I single-handedly pushed away the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me alive is my dog, who is over 10 years old. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a normal life. I don’t know if anyone will ever want to be with me again. I don’t know how much longer I can live with this. I have lost hope and see nothing positive about my life, and I know that feeling that way will be a self-fulfilling prophecy of how my life will be.
Post # 3
I do not have much to say to you except, it gets better. I know it is hard to see now, but you’re gonna get out of this.
Post # 4
@lstcos: So very very many hugs to you. The first thing I would say is that you need to get yourself to a sliding scale therapist in your area. There should be clinics or training centers in your town or city that will treat you for free or a nominal fee. PM me with a location if you would like help finding these resources.
You’re almost certainly (IANAD) depressed, whether chemically or because of the truly shitty series of events in your life. And, as you know, the lack of a support network is not helping things. Start small, by getting some help, and with the support there, see if you can start volunteering somewhere — something that uses the skills in your field, or just something that might be interesting to do. Obviously since you’re fighting depression and social anxiety, it’s not going to be easy for you to do this, but — what can it hurt? These people won’t be paying you. You’ll never have to see them again. So what if you freak out or embarrass yourself? Start slow with baby steps here, and see what this develops into.
As far as the very very basics — even though it sucks, I think you need to take what’s offered homewise until you’re strong enough to net and keep a job. At which point — flatmates all the way. People you have to see and interact with.
I’m so sorry that things are at this juncture. Don’t feel too bad about pushing your FI away. There are going to be hard times in everyone’s life, and it’s best to know now that he’s not the type who can stick it out with you when things get really bad.
Post # 5
First off, I’m so sorry that you feel so low in life right now. I can’t imagine how you feel, but I feel for you and send positive vibes your way.
On the job issue: Some things you may have already tried, but I will suggest anyways. Job fairs, and contacting and getting hooked up with staffing companies. Not sure what state you’re in, but in California, the unemployment department has locations that you can go into and get help searching for jobs, formatting your resume, etc. Now with your social anxiety this is probably easier said than done to do these things. However, you have to take THE FIRST STEP. If you can take that first step to get help finding a job, you will better your confidence by becoming financially stable over time (and it also helps the financial situation you’re in).
On the fiance issue: Wow. It sounds like you love this man a lot, and for him to be turning his back on you in THE hardest time in your life is cowardly. He asked you to marry him thinking that he would spend the rest of his life with you. He obviously did not take that commitment seriously. Marriage is for better or for worse. If he turns his back on you now, would he be there for you once you’re married? You deserve better than that.
You have support here. These women on here are friends to anyone who needs a friend. I don’t know if you’re spiritual, Godly, or whatever, but I am truly praying for you. Just remember though, no one in your life can have more of an effect on your future than YOU. Try to stay positive, I can’t tell you how immense the power a positive attitude is.
**BIG GIANT HUGS**
Post # 6
@village_skeptic: I couldn’t agree more! Volunteering is an excellent way to start!
Post # 7
I’m sorry I edited this I just realized how much I publicly said about myself lol. I’m still here to talk though!
Post # 8
I am so sorry you are going through this and I feel your pain. I have been where you are, and although you may feel like you are at your rock bottom now, remember that things will get better. Things can change in one second, in the blink of an eye. I literally have the phrase “Anything is possible” on my bathroom mirror to remind me of this every day.
As far as your fiance goes, maybe it is better that you are finding out now that he is not a dependable man that will be there for you for better or for worse. Whether you want to try to work things out with him or not, perhaps distance is the best answer right now, until you get stronger. Let him miss you and see what his life would be like with out you waiting for him every night.
Use this as an opportunity to start fresh for yourself. Although it will not be pleasant, move back in with your parents. Maybe looking for a job in a new city will be more lucky for you. Also, since you are having trouble getting interviews, try re-working your resume. Sometimes mnor tweaks will be the difference in an emloyer looking at your resume or ignoring it (if you want PM me, and send it to me and I can help you. You can take your name off if you are uncomfortable).
Try to get some professional help also. Look up free or low cost mental health in your area and see if you can find a counselor that will help you.
Good luck to you. I truly wish you the best!
Post # 9
Thank you guys.
@MrsB2012: I’ve been volunteering at a GED center since April, but I’m going to have to leave it because it’s here where he lives. I do really enjoy that and have been trying to find positions similar that I could make into a career. I wish I could make it a paying position but they’re a fully volunteered staff. My 2 interviews have been at staffing agencies. They’ve told me that no one will hire me because I have too much overall work experience for the administrative positions, but none in an office setting and should focus on getting back into my old career. But, I’ve been deemed unhireable in the field I have experience in which is why I’ve been looking at every option possible. I lost my job in sales when the economy tanked. I was underperforming so no sales position will consider my resume because I wasn’t able to ‘meet my quota’ (it doesn’t help that I hated every minute of being in sales because I had to be drugged to actually do it. It’s really not the best job to take as an attempt to overcome fear of people). I have 12 years of sales experience and an MBA so when I apply to even call centers, they won’t consider me because of my background. My friend told me that it’s because they don’t want to invest in training an overqualified person who will always be looking to leave and then have to spend money to train a replacement when they could just hire someone who is qualified only for that and couldn’t leave, saving them money.
I did get 2 ‘job offers’ from the same company. It was as a door to door sales person selling electrical power for a company called North American Electrical Power, an MLM company. Commission only and I would only have to put up $1,200 upfront for their sales material and travel to their home office for a 2 week training course. That didn’t help my self esteem.
Post # 10
@lstcos: I seriously want to hug you right now and tell you that it will all get better! I think volunteering is a great idea, its something you can put on your resume and it will help build your confidence. Check your local YWCA, they seem to always have volunteer opportunities and it will give you an chance to interact with other women in a supportive environment. Just take it day by day. As far as where you are staying, do you have any other family members that might help you out: an aunt or cousin maybe? I hate to say it, but I agree with PPs about your FI – better to find out now that he can’t handle being with you through this low point, than to find out after you woudl have been married. Stay strong, you’ll get through it! And please come back and let us know how you are doing or if you jsut need to talk to someone, I would be happy to volunteer as I’m sure many of my fellow Bees would as well.
Post # 11
@lstcos: If you cant get employed because you are too qualified, change your resume to reflect what they are looking for.
Post # 12
@simpleandchic: How do you do that? Do I just list my jobs with no details? I’ve never thought about doing something like that before.
Post # 13
@lstcos: Yeah, there is no flipping way that you should be in sales. That’s the type of job that would kill me with awkwardness-induced stress, and I don’t even have social anxiety disorder!
Here’s an idea — you sound like you would be a great fit for tutoring services. Look up Kaplan Learning type places in your area maybe?
Post # 14
@lstcos: Yeah customise it to make yourself seem less qualified, ie maybe only list the more medial tasks you did.
Alternatively why dont you look for some office admin work?
Post # 15
Oh, I am so sorry youn are going through this. I have been there and will share what helped for me. First, you must get your chemistry back in balance. As my doctor told me, nothing in my life was going to work until that was handled.
Some options to condider: your doc may be able to get you starded with samples. And most of the drug companies have programs to provide meds to patients who are currently unable to pay. Your doc will know how you apply.
You cant really sell youself to an employer when younare suffering from an anxiety disorder and depression.
You will see your relationship more clearly and make better career decisions once you are on the right meds and getting support even if its therapy from a sliding scale facility.
My advice is that you deal with the physical issues first.
Post # 16
I went through something extremely similar. In my case, I lost my job due to anxiety and a parade of bad things happening that I couldn’t cope with. This was about four months before my first wedding. After the wedding, I fell into serous depression, didn’t leave the house much, and him coming home was the only thing I looked forward to. He would come home, play video games, and essentially ignore me. He ended up resenting me but, instead of saying anything, he pulled further and further away.
It may sound harsh, but a grown man who loves you should have bee able to see your decline. He should have supported you and tried to help you. Instead, he kept it to himself and kicked you when you were down. I know it’s not easy for him, but if he was ready for the commitment, he should have helped you. Near the end, I asked my ex if he would have been a resentful coward if it was cancer. (Probably not exacty far, but I was mad by that point)
I agree with the PP, get youself healthy first. I’m sure you know that climbing out of that hole is not easy. See if there are services in your area. Try to find counseling, and a doctor. There’s a good chance this won’t get better on its own.
It took me seven years, a move to a different state, meeting my now-fiance, and really evaluating my life to get where I am now. It was, and still is hard. I wish I could give you more than that. You need support, you need someone who will help you. My thoughts are with you, and hugs as well.