Post # 1
So I’ve always figured I would be a mother someday. I like the idea of a family. I’m 25 and getting married next July at age 26. At this current time I really dont like kids. Babies are fine because they are confined to a small area because they cant move. And when they cry its for a reason which I get, and their poop is more watery and less disgusting. I have 2 nephews (2 & 4) that to be honest have very little structure and discipline and are terrors a lot of the time (I also prefer girls to boys) I know this sounds bad but right now I want nothing to do with children and honestly can’t stand being around them sometimes (and parents who think the sun shines out of their asses when they are being little shits)
So, my fiance is nowhere near ready to have kids yet, but by 30-32 he wants to start having a family. That gives me up to 7 years of kids-free happy times.
I’m just worried…. I like the idea of having kids that are in school and older and doing something cool with their life. I like kids after about 10 because I can start talking to them about real things that matter like their interests and what they might want to do when they are older. But from 0-10 I feel like I’m going to give up my life and become one of these women who loses all identity into being a mom. I have so many other things I like to do I don’t want to lose myself.
What if I NEVER get that feeling that I’m ready for kids? I am scared. Has anyone felt like they just wanted nothing to do with kids until they were ready and then actually felt ready years down the road and got the baby bug?
My fiance has been very clear about how our marriage will come with children. I’m just scared I will have to have a baby when I don’t really want one or my husband will resent me, but if I have a baby what if I resent the child?
Post # 2
katelyndawn89: This is just my opinion, but it kind of sounds like you don’t want kids. I’ll say up front that I don’t want kids (neither does FI). I think that having kids is one of the biggest, most important, most serious, most PERMANENT jobs you can undertake. Many people think that childfree folks don’t respect parenthood, for me, it’s because I have such a high regard of what parenting requires that I am childfree by choice.
I think the kind of people suited to having kids are the kind who feel like they have a deep innate desire to have kids, the kind of people who can’t imagine being happy without having kids. They NEED to have them. It’s such a massive lifetime committment, that I think you need this level of desire deep inside of you.
If you’re already thinking about the last good kid-free years, I wonder if you’re sure you want them? That’s how I would be feeling too…because I don’t want kids. I realized I didn’t want kids when thinking about the actual real-life day to day of kids made me feel deeply depressed and filled with dread. Having kids, to me, seemed like the end of life, fun, happiness, peace and quiet, adventure, creativity, everything.
Now before parent’s jump all over this saying you can still have all that great stuff AND have kids- let me finish: I feel that it would end all of that for me. People who are meant to be parents don’t feel that way, I get that. They feel like kids are part of the great adventure of life! I feel like they would end everything I love about my current life.
Not everyone is cut out for every job, and parenting is just that: a job. Not everyone is cut out to be a brain surgeon or a special-education teacher or a performer, and not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I think you should discuss this with your FI, it’s alarming that he has informed you that kids are part of the territory, I would think he’d care about how you feel as well. This is one of those big deal breaker topics, so I think it should be given a lot of thought. I actually wouldn’t even date people who wanted kids because I knew it was out of the question for me.
Best of luck!
Post # 3
katelyndawn89: The good news is you are being self reflective. You are asking the important questions. And it IS very important for you and your FI to be on the same page. If he wants kids and you definitely do not, that’s going to be a deal breaker. If you see yourself having them later (you are still very young so it’s totally understandable), then great! So do you really think you don’t want any at all? Ever? I actually chose not to have kids and then I married a man who already had 4. AAiiieeee!! Sometimes life throws you a curveball.
Post # 4
katelyndawn89: Does your FI have a lot of experience with children? If not it could be illuminating to him to take care if some on his own (like maybe the active nephews) and see just how much work is involved. It’s really tough to know all of what goes into raising children until you’re in the thick of it.
When we first met 10 years ago my FI assured me he wanted 3 kids someday. But I think he was only imagining the glamourized “idea” of children, not the entire reality. Now after years of watching our friends having multiple children he’s on the fence about having any at all!
Post # 5
My fiance is my soulmate and love of my life. Honestly I’ve only been feeling so anti-kids in the last 6 months or so because when I’m around my nephews a lot I often want to run away screaming. I haven’t thought about this in depth very much because I’ve always assumed I’ll eventually get that “baby fever” feeling. I’ve always figured I would have a family just “10 years down the line”, or whenever that feeling kicked in. I desperate want to want to have kids. Joe is the best thing thats ever happened to me I honestly cannot picture life without him. Maybe things will be different after 7 years. I desperately want to change the way I feel.
Post # 6
katelyndawn89: I was exactly like you. I didn’t like kids and I thought I never wanted kids until I met my FI at 24, then the desire kicked in and I can’t imagine not having a family with him. I will say that I still don’t really like babies. I’ve never been one of those women who gravitate toward any baby they see. I’ve definitely heard that it is much different when it is YOUR baby though.
I will say that this could be a serious problem in your relationship if you decide that you don’t want kids and your FI/DH still does. This is not something that should be compromised on in my opinion. Nobody should have to have kids they don’t want and nobody should have to give up kids they do want. I think that you really need to have a serious conversation with your FI about what could happen down the road if your opinions don’t mesh about kids in the end.
Post # 7
My parents had friends who divorced over kids (she wanted them, he didnt). When he remarried, his new wife had 2 sons. So… You just never know!
Post # 8
Yeah, see the thing is… I have NO IDEA what I will feel in 7 years from now. I could completely change my mind in 4-5 years from now and want kids. However I may not. I don’t have a crystal ball I just have no idea. I want to work on my attitude towards children because I feel like my current viewpoint is one from a selfish position and I want so desperately to feel different I just dont right now. I can’t throw away the best thing that ever happened to me on a “what if” situation.
Post # 9
katelyndawn89: I am in a similar predicament but I am 33 and my finace is 40. Younger, I wanted kids badly and he didn’t ( together 7 years) and now he is telling me he want THREE kids!! as soon as we get married (next year) and the older I get the less I want any for the same reasons that you state, plus financial reasons.
It’s a tough situation…..hope you can make a decision you feel comfortable with
Post # 10
katelyndawn89: I think it is actually pretty common not to like other people’s kids. You can’t disapline them when they are doing something wrong. You commonly see them out of their routine (IE, Holidays, in resteraunts, and birthdays) when they are likley to be wound up and or cranky and tired. Even the best auntie in the world doesn’t have the same relationship with nieces and nephews as the parents do. I can say for a fact that I enjoy Christmas dinner with my parents more than Christmas with DH’s family with his niece and nephew. They are wound up and haven’t napped and it just can be a headache as grandma and grandpa are “It’s Christmas, let them do what they want” and their mom and dad are “It may be Christmas, but we are not raising little monsters.”
For a lot of people this totally changes when they have their own kids. I’m not saying this is an everyone thing, because obviously there would be no child abuse if it did. That little thing becomes yours and you will have a completely different experience with that baby/child than any other child you will ever meet.
As another option, maybe foster care/adoption is the right option for you and your FI. You can start with older kids. While they come with a lot of baggage and can be signficantly harder than dealing with a baby, but some people find it more rewarding than having thier own kids.
Lastly, there is absolutly nothing wrong with not having kids, or changing your mind about kids. I would be upfront with your FI though and let him know that you don’t want them now, and don’t know if that will change. Ask him what he would do if that does not change. Lay everything on the table and discuss how you would really deal with it, including things like “What if we physically can’t have kids” even if you end up wanting them.
Post # 11
Have kids, don’t have kids, either is fine. But keep your FI updated on your feelings. It sounds like he’s been pretty clear and upfront with you, give him the same courtesy, even if the honest answer is “I don’t know.” That’s much kinder than blindsiding him down the road if you decide you don’t want kids.
Post # 12
katelyndawn89: I agree with Misswhowedding:; I think that it’s pretty common to not like other people’s kids but still like (and love) your own. Especially those who have little structure and discipline and there’s nothing you can do about it. Having a 2 and 4 year old is about as tough as it gets I think in terms of kids running around wild and being hard to control, so I think you’re seeing the worst of it right now too.
Also, you don’t have to lose your identity when you become a mom; I think it’s awesome when parents still pursue their own interests and include their kids in adult activities to the extent possible and appropriate. It’s good to show kids what the adult world is like, and also teach them that not everything in life revolves around them.
Post # 13
It actually just sounds more like a phase to me than truly not wanting kids. I have always wanted kids until I was about 26 when I thought, “maybe I don’t?” but now I really want kids again and I’m 29. I know for me, my phase was because I was working as a child therapist with kids who had major behavioral and emotional challenges. I also was totally enjoying my child-free life, making new friends, drinking, staying up late, etc. and couldn’t imagine deveoting my time to a kid. I still sometimes think about how inconvenient and time consuming raising children will be, but I know I want kids and will just deal with the inconvenient/time consuming aspects of it like I happily do with my high energy and very toddler-like dog.
Post # 14
goblueca reminded me of a recent article about how our current culture of putting kids above ourselves and our marriages is actually incredibly bad for kids. You should check out the book Bringing up Bebe too, it’s about an American woman who ends up having her kids in France and compares the American v. French way of child rearing.
Post # 15
I’ve been a recording musician so music is important to me, I want to see the world and travel, and am also a web designer and have always built it into my plan to stay at home and run my own web design business while I have kids so I can stay home for a year or two. I kind of feel like I’ve been slapped with this gigantic “what if” in the face. The “what if I never feel that baby fever thing”. And its scaring me to death! I want to always have my interests and be a well rounded individual and I feel like you can’t be well rounded when another being is 100% your entire universe, my husband isn’t my whole world and my baby wouldn’t be either and thats ok. I just want to feel ready when I have kids but I can’t see the future or if I will ever get that feeling.