- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I'm so sorry, what a complicated and horrible mess!
Could you just have a smaller/budget wedding or it has to be a certain place, theme, guest list etc etc?
I'm really sorry. I don't have a lot of advice, but it sounds like maybe you need a couple days off from your FI to let it settle in and figure out a plan. I don't blame you for being pissed!
Maybe hold of in calling off the wedding just yet, you never know if you can maybe salvage the date and do a small wedding that day. Hopefully the other ladies will have better advice, but my thoughts are with you!
@Eva Peron: I could try to work it out, but I feel like losing our deposits will make it undoable. After sending out STDs I'd feel so awful still having a wedding, but cutting the guest list and not inviting everyone who got an STD. I'm pretty sure that's a big no-no. Some of the deposits will be lost even if we cut the guest list. Our venue, even though it is owned by a friend, has a strict vendor list that we're allowed to work from. The catering we have has a minimum as does the alcohol. I know, ridiculous, it didn't seem so ridiculous at the time when we were inviting 300 people and expecting between 200 and 250
@thursdayschild: Thanks. I'm trying to not let the real freak out happen until tomorrow. :)
this is so sad, your FI appears to be a little selfish :( I can believe he did that with your job and then to not listen about the house. If you guys had made deposits and put together a budget based on what they would help with I would be upset too with them not holding up their end of the deal, even though they bought you the house they said they would help for the wedding. I think you have a lot to talk about with your FI, I would be really upset about the job and him talking to your boss about your position..... Good Luck
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. What a ridiculously crappy situation. I agree with Mrs. Argentina - could you do a smaller/less expensive wedding?
Eeks. Does FI frequently make decisions (house, job) without consulting you? This sounds like major communication issues you need to work out.
Sorry to hear you have such problems and good luck in working out your job situation.
@little_cricket: ohhh okay. Wow that is a big list!!! Elope then have a big celebraton dinner/party/ shindig with the expected guests?
@Future Mrs K: he is SUPER selfish but with good intention. That doesn't make it okay with me though. I feel like I can't say anything to him until I calm down because that won't help any. I'm just so furious!
@kay01: He really doesn't. It's so weird. I feel like the past month he's gone completely nutso and made tons of decisions without talking to me or even after I'm not on board...and big things too...i.e. the house and job
@little_cricket: Definitely wait until you're calm to talk to him, I'm sure you know but it won't be a productive conversation if you're still seething. You're strong and headed in the right direction. You'll pull through this!
I'm sorry you're going through such a terrible situation... I tend to get aggressive when my FI does something that effects me without asking or consulting...Soooo if I was in your shoes and my fiance said he was no longer contributing to the wedding I would say..ok that's fine, but you will need to be the one to haggle for our deposits back, tell our guest there will be no wedding, and cancel all the plans. From what you wrote it seems like he is the 1st domino...Make him fix it..or at least ease the pain:/ I know he didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm just saying if it were me I would feel a tad better letting him deal with the outcome...
HTH
Thanks guys! I appreciate your advice and kind words. :) My goal right now is to keep from exploding
Defintiely talk to him when you're a little more calm. If you still want the wedding see if you can make it a smaller affair and have a big party later.
@SkiBunny: I'd just feel bad having a wedding and not inviting everyone who got our save the dates...they've already gone out :/
you have every right to explode! your FI went behind your back, pretty much told your boss lady to give him YOUR job, refuses to listen to you AND refuses to help pay for your wedding! the guy sounds like a terrible FI and will be a terrible husband if he does stuff like that often
Ug. Life has dumped a lot on you right now, I'm sorry. I know this is really difficult :(
Is there any way you can cut back on your expenses and stretch unemployment to cover the wedding? I know it's not a ton of money, but it might be enough to make things work. You can also take in work on the side like wedding planning and such? Like even to be a day-of-coordinator and make sure you get the gifts home at night and the food goes out on time etc. someone would probably be willing to pay you a couple hundred bucks a gig. I know I would.
I'm sending you happy, good thoughts and wishing you the best of luck!
@HappierKate: Thank you! And I'll look into some side gigs. I always have offers for private therapy with the kiddos. I used to do some photography on the side that I can pick up. It's just so frustrating to have to figure it all out and not really have some warning
Your FI caused the loss of your job? Holy crap, I would be raging too! You have every right to be PO'ed. I hope this will be one of those times in life when an unexpected change brings a future change for the better.
He doesn't know I got fired. I haven't even spoken to him about it yet
@KT808: That's the most positive thing I've heard all day. Thanks :)
@Jacqui90: he doesn't do stuff like this...ever. It's so uncharacteristic. Just recently, this past month, he's been acting like this. I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like he's unconsciously trying to maintain any extra bit of independence and control over his life before he's totally tied to me, but I dunno. It's so strange. We were best friends before we started dating (I was engaged to another guy!) for years, I have never seen him behave this way.
@little_cricket: perhaps it's cold feet or something, try talking to him, see what's up. As you said he agreed to contribute before, so maybe ask him why he thinks it's ok to back out now, especially since you just lost your job. I hope everything works out, and you guys get on the same page again, and hopefully you find a job soon that is with a good company!
@little_cricket: We had to cut our guest list after the STDs went out. It sucked, but it was this whole big awful situation that I never ever want to think about ever again...and we really had no choice.
We got around it by sending invites to the "cut" list to our small post-wedding BBQ at home instead of the formal DW event.
It totally sucks, but maybe you could do a housewarming and post wedding party for those that you had to cut so you don't lose your deposits?
@MrsDulce: That's a great idea! I'll look into planning a BBQ celebration/housewarming thing. We're not having a DW but we are getting married about 4 hours from where we live, in my hometown. It's pretty much only my immediate family and old friends there. His family is all where we live and Canada and the rest of my family lives here too. Maybe I'll just invite the 'locals' to the wedding and do the BBQ celebration thing a little later with the OTTers
I'm trying to find a way to say this that doesn't sound horrible and judgey, etc, so please know that I'm trying not to offend. But from your comments about how in the past few months, he's been acting in ways that are completely uncharacteristic and interfering with/making decisions on stuff that is NOT his to handle alone -- you guys have got to get some ground rules set on "okay" and "not okay" before you get married. If my FI had set a chain of events in action behind my back that resulted in the loss of my job -- I'd be calling off the wedding for reasons that had NOTHING to do with cash flow.
I'm sure he's a great guy and that you're committed to each other. I'm not trying to say that he's a horrible person, or abusive, or that you should run away or whatever. But it sounds like he's made a few BIG decisions for you in the last few months that are Not Okay, and he needs to understand that that behavior is unacceptable. Unless that *is* OK with you -- but it doesn't sound like it is, because you are FURIOUS. And you have EVERY RIGHT to be.
Holy cow! He (unwittingly) sabotaged your job! He needs to be told what he's done, and needs to do everything he can to start fixing things for you RIGHT NOW! And he damn well better be putting every extra penny he has into giving you your dream wedding. He should be thanking his lucky stars that you're not dumping him over this.
Marriage is a partnership. Lately your FI has not been a good partner to you by making major life decisions without consulting you. I am glad you are reconsidering.
What a mess I can't believe your FI would do such a thing!
I would be MAD AS HELL! The economy sucks right now and I cannot believe he did that!! You have every right to be angry!
I just read that he does selfish things often. Is this kind of behavior something you really can deal with for the rest of your life?!
Honestly I don't think I could marry someone that acts like this. ONE of these things having happened would be a serious issue for me, but if all three (the budget, job, and house) were all happening I would be infuriated. I would say to seriously reconsider because if he's making HUGE life decisions without consulting you or honoring your feelings, I don't see how your marriage can work. I know that's harsh, but its not one of those things that's just going to go away after you're married. Take a few days to yourself away from FI and think about what you really want to do. Both on the financial and relationship end. It might be worth going to a couples counselor so you can get on the same page. It sound like if you do still get married, you may have to postpone for a little while, or seriously cut guest lists.
i can't believe that after all that he didn't even take the job. has he been super apologetic? not that it makes up for it, but at least you'd be able to tell that he regretted what he did. this seems to be a pattern with him- him speaking on behalf of the both of you in terms of very important life decisions. i think this may be a blessing in disguise- it sounds like going through with the wedding while you are not on the same page on these things and he's not giving you the respect you deserve may have been a bad idea. take a few days, get your thoughts together, and let him know that this pattern is NOT ok, and there are real life consequences to his making decisions for the both of you.
@little_cricket: I have to agree with village_skeptic and emilygrace07. My first thought when I read this was "Why the hell would he talk to HER superior without even consulting her?!" On top of that, he gave the go ahead for a house that it sounds like you said "no tbanks" to... This sounds like there are some serious communication issues in the relationship. I'm not trying to judge and there may be extenuating circumstances, but he had no right to do either of those things without you. You two are entering into a PARTNERSHIP and it sounds like he isn't thinking about you, your economic status, and what you very specifically said. He basically inadvertantly gets you fired (sounds like you did not want to leave your position in the first place and you were being forced to because of HIS actions) and then backs out on the deal saying, "Oh gee, thanks but no thanks, I changed my mind." All around just NOT ok.
On a side note: unemployment will take a few weeks to a month to kick in. Depending on what you used to make, if you made over $2400 in your highest earning quarter in 2011, you should receive the maximum benefits of $900 every two weeks (minus $95 for federal taxes). Don't quote me on the exact numbers, but I'm pretty sure I'm spot on with the wages part and 100% sure about the max benefits.
I wish you lots of luck in finding a new job- you do something that only gifted people are able to do. And I wish you even more luck sueing the pants off that b with an itch that fired you!!!
Ditto to some of the others who said that I'd be cancelling the marriage over his behavior. This is very, very strange and I would find it inexcusable. Maybe the work thing was just ridiculously bad, selfish judgement, but accepting the house when you said you were against it is not okay in any way, shape or form.
Ditto to some of the others who said that I'd be cancelling the marriage over his behavior. This is very, very strange and I would find it inexcusable. Maybe the work thing was just ridiculously bad, selfish judgement, but accepting the house when you said you were against it is not okay in any way, shape or form.
I am so sorry for what is happening. The loss of your job must be hard, but it would be devastating to be betrayed by your fiance like that. I do disagree with previous posters about just cutting back or having a smaller wedding. Even if you lose your deposits and even though it might be hard to explain to guests, it might be best to postpone the wedding altogether until you two work out your issues (mainly his issues really). If he doesn't respect your opinion or even attempt to discuss important issues with you, you may want to try to seek couples counseling if you wish to continue the relationship.
I wouldnt marry a man who obviously did not care about me and only cared about himself. How could they offer him a job if he isnt even qualified to take it? I would be cancelling the wedding.
In my opinion, your guy is sabotaging things - whether on purpose or not. I'm curious as to what he says after you tell him about being fired. Let us know his reaction!
@ackerman: I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to say about your FI's actions because only you know him. I would recommend talking ALL of it out and getting some answers after you've calmed down.
If I were you, I'd probably let go of the deposits and rent a cabin or house with a large backyard and make it happen there and probably only serve cake/cupcakes and drinks.
Good luck!!! Many brides here have created beauitful budget weddings and you can too!
Wow, I feel for you. I can't even imagine all of that on your shoulders. I hope things take a turn in the right direction for you.
Since it seems like there may be some serious communications issues with him making all of these decisions for you, perhaps it would be better to postpone until things are better financially and in your relationship. Your vendors may also be willing to work with you on applying the deposits to a different date once you get back on your feet.
Don't even worry about the STDs having gone out. We had a family wedding a couple of years ago where invitations were sent out, and then suddenly we came home to a message on the machine saying that it was off for the moment. We didn't ask, and we wondered for all of about 5 minutes. It wasn't that we didn't care about the couple, it's just that we knew it was something that would come out only if they wanted to talk about it. We never heard, but we did get an invitation again the following year and attended their lovely wedding with a great reception. All of it was budget, but no one cared.
Take care of yourself first. Get yourself in a better place financially and in your relationship and then plan whatever you can afford. I hope things turn around for you soon!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 46 |
| Brielle | 38 |
| AshleyR83 | 30 |
| mypinkshoes | 29 |
| rebwana | 26 |
| funkymunky85 | 26 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 26 |
| his chippymunk | 25 |
| Cady | 25 |
| fishbone | 25 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| funkymunky85 | 9 |
| ebotlsrm | 5 |
| Lyndzo | 4 |
| mightywombat | 3 |
| AshleyR83 | 3 |
| rebwana | 3 |
| jules28 | 3 |
| sara_tiara | 2 |
| bookworm88 | 2 |
| KatyElle | 2 |
I'm heartbroken. I'm frustrated. I want to scream. AHHHHHH (<---that was as close to a scream as I can do because people are in the house right now).
I just lost my job today. It's not like I had a ton of extra money to put towards my wedding to begin with, but now that I lost my job...I won't have anything! There's no way I can pay for it. Money was already a serious issue before this. UGH! I'm totally devastated.
I really really want to not speak to FI for the next 2 weeks, but I know I'm not going to do that. I am so mad. I just don't think I'm going to have anything nice to say and I don't like that either. Here's what happened. We work for the same company, but we don't work together, or even near each other. However, he wanted a job in my program and decided to talk to the higher ups a few weeks ago (of course, without even telling me about it!). She told him she doesn't want it to become a problem with us working so close and me being above him, but that she trusted us to make it work. He told her he didn't want to work with me and that I had actually been thinking about changing positions or quitting (yes, that's right...he spoke for me and I had no idea) so it wouldn't be a problem at all. Of course, boss lady sets up a meeting with me to talk about my issues with my current position and I say I have none. I really do though...I really really do. She then lets me know that she's moving me to a different site because she thinks it'll be best for me and even better for the site. Moving me would allow FI (who's not even kinda qualified, in all honesty) to take my job and an upset co-worker of mine to take his. He'd make more than double in my program that what he was previously making. It would also allow an upset co-worker to change positions and take the other co-workers spot and I take hers (confusing, I know). The only thing is that 3 people asked to be moved around, not me! I let her know I'm honored (it's a slight promotion) blah blah blah but that I couldn't accept. She wanted my reasons and I gave her my honest opinion. In this case I was what we call a 'whistle blower.' I turned it down due to illegal actions, etc and I let her know that, in great detail, with proof. I work as a behavior therapist with autistic kiddos, so I feel my reasons were really valid and can really change peoples' lives, for the worst, I don't want to be a part of that...money issues, care issues, abuse, etc. Just FYI, I have filed complaints with the my company and the state as to the care of the kiddos, so I didn't just stand back and do nothing. At the end of work I was given a letter letting me know I had been fired due to lack of compliance with transition. WTF?!!? Now, I'm part of a union and I'm sure I'm protected under whistle blower laws, but STILL I can't afford this! Every one keeps telling me to calm down. Seriously? How can I calm down? I GOT FIRED! :/ I know, unemployment will pay my bills, the union will work it out, I can take legal action and be okay, etc. But that doesn't help me TODAY. My next pay check will not be my salary, I don't even know when I'll get one. I'm sure this will all be okay, one day, but not now. It's going to take a while to sort through this and in the mean time I can't afford to not have my full salary. Not to mention, I don't actually want my job back, especially after this, it'd just be nice to know what to expect on my paycheck and for it to be enough. Oh and to add fuel to the flame, FI went to boss lady, after I got fired, and told her he didn't want the job anymore and that he didn't realize he wasn't qualified and that he and his co-workers make a great team so he didn't want to leave them stranded.
My FILs just bought us a house. Yay us! Not really. This is another thing I'm not super happy with FI about. He asked them to buy it after I said I didn't want it and that if he felt he absolutely must use his parents money I suggested a way in which I'd feel more comfortable. Of course, he completely ignored what I had to say and asked them anyways. I'm grateful don't get me wrong, and that's a HUGE thing we don't need to worry about, but there's some stuff going on with that creating some issues. Since they bought the house they can't afford to help with the wedding. Which I totally understand. But when we sent out deposits and planned everything they had said they'd give us $X and now not having it is a big deal. I know...I know...I'm grateful for the house people! But I can still be bummed they're not contributing what I expected them to so please don't give me crap for saying that.
Aside from making plans and sending out deposits based on what FILs said they were contributing, we also did that based on what FI said he could contribute. Then last week, he told me what he's doing with that money instead so he will not be contributing. GRRRR. WTF?! I'm so upset!
I still haven't contacted our vendors or reread contracts, but I know they all said deposit isn't refundable. So on top of having to cancel the wedding because of finances, I'm still going to lose the money I've already paid. ugh! We've already sent out STDs :/ I'm just so frustrated and upset and sad! I don't know what to do. I know a wedding isn't everything but it's still okay that I feel this way, right?
And seriously, no one rag on me for being bummed FILs aren't contributing to the wedding because of the house. Like I said, there are issues concerning that and I didn't go into detail.