(Closed) I have to fire one of my bridesmaids…

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you should sit down with her and have a serious talk about whether she can make it to the wedding – don’t go on about her missing dress shopping and so on, just focus on how she seems to be struggling (her and her husband are taking care of five kids on no income!), and you’re worried that she may not be able to make it and, while you’d love to have her there (you’d even pay her way if you could, but you can’t, etc.), it just looks like she’s struggling and may not be able to make it.

I wouldn’t fire her, as such. That can really damage a friendship, and there are many stories on here about brides and bridesmaids never speaking again for just that reason. Just explain to her your concerns, offer her the chance to step down, and see what happens. Also, with only 3 weeks to go, I think you would struggle to replace her, and I know you don’t want your fiance to have one of his groomsmen step down. I think you should talk with him what would happen if you were to have uneven numbers – many wedding parties have uneven numbers these days, and no one looks twice.

Post # 4
Member
8325 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well you can’t fire her because she is not your employee! You can kick her out of your wedding but the reasons you give aren’t really solid enough reasons to end such a long friendship.

Honestly those things you mentioned are not a BM’s duties. They are things you can invite them to but they don’t have to attend- except the BM dress thing but she did eventually go to that one. And she isn;t required to throw you a shower- that is a gift that someone chooses to give you.

In all fairness she doesn’t have to book her travel this wekk- she can book it anytime between now and the wedding. How she gets to vegas and where she stays is up to her. Maybe she is embarrassed and feeling hounded by you. Maybe she is catching the tain or bus to vegas to save money, maybe the whole family is going to drive there (it is only a 12-15 hrs drive), maybe they are going to stay in Henderson or boulder city because it is slightly cheaper.

Are you checking on all your guests and univiting them if they haven’t booked by this week as well?

Edited to say I just checked on frontier and there are plenty of seats left for that weekend and I just cehcked on priceline and there are a multitude of hotels still available and packages for $350 (flights and hotel). So I really thing you are being a bit over the top.

Post # 6
Member
12833 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There is no way to “fire” a BM without hurting her feelings, and without possibly causing irreparable damage to your friendship.  You have given her the opportunity to back out, and she didn’t opt to do that.  Be aware if you ask her to step out of the wedding party, you may lose your friend.

By the way, all the things she didn’t show up for – shopping for your dress, assembling the invitations, even shopping for the BM dress – is completely acceptable.  As a BM, she is supposed to get the dress you want, and show up for the wedding.  That’s it.

Replacing her is also a bad, bad idea.  You’re asking someone to step in last minute – who doesn’t have the dress, or accessories, and who is a total outsider to your bridal party.  If you’re going to kick her out, at least deal with the lack of symmetry this late in the game. 

Post # 7
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I was BM recently. The other two BM’s were living abroad so a lot of things fell to me to do. I didn’t mind this and neither did the bride. She would have happily done everything herself and not complained (bear in mind, here the bride pays for everything for bm’s, dress, hair, makeup). The other BM’s were amazing on the day and day after however. One of them looked after theirlittle boy the night of the wedding and the next day. What I’m saying is, she might be a fab bm on the day of the wedding. If she is such a good friend that you wanted to ask her in the first place, does it seem fair to take that from herbecause she hasnt been as good a friend (with good reason) in the past few months? Because chances are it will wreck your friendship if you ask her to stand down.

Post # 9
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You could always help her with the expenses if you’re worried about putting a financial burden on her.

Post # 13
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It sounds like your friend is still trying to be there for you, despite the fact that her financial life is in shambles and she has kids at home depending on her. Maybe a little compassion is in order here.

Post # 14
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Personally, I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. A bridesmaid isn’t supposed to do anything but get the dress and shoW up on time. Remember, no one else will be as excited for your wedding or as interested in your wedding as you are. If you do fire her, the be prepared to lose a lifelong friendship, possibly several others too. If I knew someone who got rid of a bridesmaid over some petty reason, I would probably reconsider my friendship with that person too.

Post # 15
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would not fire your friend from being a part of your special day.  You picked her to be a BM becaus she is important to you, and she has not elected to drop out of your wedding because you are obviously special to her.  Although it’s hard, at this point in the game I think you should just consider her tentative for all additional events based on her history.  Try not to take it personal and enjoy your day and time with your other friends and family.  She is going through a tough time which unfortunately makes you feel un-important but try to put yourself in her shoes dealing with several children and loss of income.  And since you are probably feeling a little let down by her and can’t help it, use this time to really lean on your other friends and family who are able to be there and support you 100%.

Post # 16
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

@KatyElle:  +1

It really sounds like she’s trying to make an effort, but with 5 children at home, and her husband losing her job, I think you need to cut her a bit of slack. She isn’t required to show up at anything you mentioned except for the wedding. And it’s her job to make sure that she’s there. 

Unless you’re willing to lose the friendship, I wouldn’t “fire” her from anything.

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