Post # 1
So, I need to vent. I am a regular reader and poster here, but I have no idea who’s out there lurking so I decided to post anonymously.
I have been dating my fiance for almost 4 years. We are now engaged and are planning our wedding for 2010 (still over a year away). I am a planner at heart, so we have most major things booked (venue, ceremony, dj, photographer). I’m starting to flesh out details and ideas. This is how I decided to plan my wedding. I decided I would give myself plently of time to plan so I wouldn’t spend the months leading up to the wedding frantic and crazy.
Apparently, there is some rule about only planning once you’re a year out from your date? I say this because a close family member of mine (who happens to be my MatronOH, which, since I’m angry right now I say is because of obligation) reminds me everytime I bring up anything remotely related to wedding stuff that I’m still "OVER a year away" and that I have "plently of time."
This is driving me insane. It is making it seem like she doesn’t take any of my plans, or even my wedding for that matter, seriously. I am not a person who changes her mind easily. Once I pick something, that’s it. I bought my wedding dress…I’m not still looking and shopping for a wedding dress. Everyone else in my life is ASKING for details from me. I don’t discuss it that often, and it’s come to the point where I don’t discuss anything with my MOH because I know her response will be "well, you have plently of time" It hurts. It’s silly I guess, and I know she’s not the type of person who gets excited about weddings anyway, but I feel like I tried very hard to be supportive and available when I was her MOH.
I know I should tell her my feelings, but confrontations are very uncomfortable for me and I’d rather just vent here than approach her.
Thanks for reading…if you made it this far in the post!
Post # 3
I would honestly just stop talking about the wedding around her. She clearly isn’t being supportive so just don’t involve her any more than you have to.
I WISH I had started planning earlier, there is SO much to do, you can never start too soon!
Post # 4
I have to sympathize with you, I got engaged in Feb 2008, with the date picked out as May 28, 2010, and yes, everytime I would mention something about it to my mom, she would just kind of brush it off and say that I have plenty of time. We eventually moved our date last fall to this December, which was still a year away, and I kept getting the same responses, but my mom finally realized that I wanted to get as much done as I could and she helped me out, but I agree with DaisyBride, stop talking about the wedding to your MatronOH and she’ll figure out eventually that if she wants to be a part of your wedding planning, then she needs to keep her mouth shut!
Post # 5
I agree with Daisy – just dont talk about wedding planning with her. I don’t think you’re too early. I’ve been engaged since last July and was slowly planning (mainly in my head lol) of how our wedding would be. Now that we’re "closer" to our date (march, 2010)- I’m trying to get the ball rolling. I don’t think it’s too early to plan- the more u have done now, the less you have to do later 🙂
Some people just don’t like discussing wedding plans- your friend might just be one of them. I hope everything turns out ok! happy planning!
Post # 6
It’s sometimes really hard for certain people to deal with other people’s wedding plannings – for a variety of reasons. There is no hard and fast rule about when you have to start planning (I’m a year plus out, and have a good deal of my major planning done!). It may just be that she’s easily overwhelmed by the wedding chatter.
I would just not talk about the wedding around her for awhile.. bring it up with other people, and just wait a while. IF it gets to the year point, and she’s still like this.. talk to her and explain what you expect from her as the Matron of Honor, which includes listening and supporting your personal wedding plans.
Post # 7
I agree that you should stop sharing wedding details with her…if she still brings it up and then throws it in your face that your wedding is over a year away, then would be the time to confront her. something along the lines of…"Hey, i actually STOPPED speaking to you about all things wedding related bc you hurt my feelings and make me feel like my wedding planning is unimportatnt since its not until next year. I understand that its not until next year, but whenever you say that its over a year away, i dont feel like i have your support."
at that point, she should have a clear understanding of what she has done (hopefully) and you will be able to keep on planning (hopefully) with her support!!
PS…..show her this website and how many bees on here arent getting married until next fall or next winter and are in total wedding planning mode…I think its totally acceptable to be planning and have everything booked! not to mention that its SMART because it gives you time to pay things down / off.
Post # 8
OMG do NOT listen to her! I booked my venue in April for August 2010 – before my ering was even done – and if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have been able to get ANY saturday in august or september. Things book so far in advance these days that if you start a year out you are actually behind schedule. If she thinks otherwise then she needs to do some research.
Post # 9
We started planning 15 months out, and even at that time, our photographer was booked for our original date. At that time, it was early enough that we could move our date to get the photographer, but honestly a year out is not that early.
I agree with the posters that suggest not talking to sis about anything wedding related for a while. For whatever reason, she’s unable to be supportive right now. Go to friends who will be supportive or come here 😉
Post # 10
Oh wow. I totally feel where you’re coming from. I started planning for our November 09 wedding a year and a half in advance and you’d have thought that I was sinning against the universe. Even vendors told me i was planning too soon. My wedding coordinator even got irritated at me for wanting to hammer details out.
SO…I laid off a bit, relaxed and tried to stop obsessing.
Now, I’m exactly four months until our wedding and have a million things left to do. I am super pissed off that I was made to feel silly about pre-planning. I did it because I didn’t want to be in this total state of panic and now LOOKIT ME! People suck…don’t let them get to you. You are early but there’s nothing wrong with getting a jump on things. I know how much the passive aggressive comments can dampen your mood but don’t let them. You have every right to be excited about your upcoming nuptials.
A year in wedding time? No time at all. Trust me!
Post # 11
Don’t worry about it. I got engaged November 2008 and started scouting locations and DOCs in January ’09. I booked my coordinator and location in February ’09 and bought my dress already. I’m getting married May 23rd, 2010. I know how you feel tho. When it was over a year out, people would laugh that i was planning already. But all the vendors couldn’t stop praising me because i was being a "smart bride" and not waiting til the last minute. At this rate, I’ll have all my major booking and planning done (minus little details) 6 months before the wedding. Talk about being about to enjoy the moment and be stress free! Planning ahead and getting it done is the way to do it!
Post # 12
Wait – your MOH is married and she feels this way???! Um.. did she elope?
I had my reception venue booked the day after I got engaged and that was more than 1.5 years away!! I’m still ‘just under’ a year out and I’ve booked and decided on almost everything I possibly can. You have to book vendors way in advance (yes, even in this economy!).
The only thing I haven’t done is buy a dress, but that’s only because I know myself and I will keep changing my mind. But that will still be done at least 9 months before the wedding.
I’m sorry your MOH is being this way – unfortunately I’m going to say that you should probably stop telling her about the wedding plans unless she asks. It’s sad, because she SHOULD want to know and be excited and supportive, but the hard reality is (as you will see on this website) there are a lot of MIA wedding party members.
Post # 13
Bee hugs! I’m currently going through the EXACT same thing! I got engaged last November and my wedding isn’t until late 2010. But I am also a planner as well and also did not want to be overly stressed those last few months leading up to my date. I have a BM who doesn’t want to order her dress just for it to "hang in her closet for 10 months." (My dresses will take about 4 months to come in and we just ordered them). I politely and somewhat jokingly told her that "You know me, a planner," but I also explained to her how I felt. I wanted to plan without the stress of time constraints and I wanted her to be involved as possible, but I understood if she couldn’t give me 100% right now because she had other things to worry about. I agree with the other bees — stop involving her. You can do it on your own! We’re planners, that’s what we do!
Post # 14
So, my first thought was that your MOH was just trying to put you at ease rather than not be supportive. But, the more I read other comments and when I went back to read your post again, I’m getting the feeling that your MOH is more, "Ugh…stop talking about your wedding…it’s over a year away!" rather than a helpful "Well, I know it’s a tough decision between roses and hydrangeas, but you have plenty of time to make that decision with your wedding over a year away."
A lot of posters said to stop talking to her about wedding details, but maybe you can just give her a few hints that she’s being rude. When she makes the comment to you again, you can come back with, "Thanks for reminding me again, but planning this stuff now helps me ensure that my last few months of being engaged are stress free, and that’s what I prefer." Being very tactful but blunt might get her to realize that she’s repeating her comment unnecessarily.
Oh, and BTW, I wish I had gotten a lot of my details finished earlier too! I got all of my big stuff done and felt like all of the little stuff, I foolishly waited until the month before to get done! I was kicking myself the last week! Even the Mister said to me, "You know…do you ever think, ‘why didn’t I do this a month ago?’ while you’re doing some of these things that we saved until the last minute??" Life has a way of getting crazy, and planning things out can really be to your advantage!
Post # 15
Sorry, I agree that you should just not say anything. Hopefully she’ll come around eventually, and you can start sharing the plans. A few things. Could she just be tired of hearing wedding stuff? Maybe you haven’t thought about whether or not you’ve gabbing too much about it. She might feel annoyed. Also, could she be jealous? Are you discussing plans to have something extravagent that she didn’t get, when she got married. Did she have a small or casual wedding, and doesn’t realize some vendors need to be booked far in advance? Do you have pretty different personalities, where this differing trait is something you two just have never seen eye to eye? Is it possible she’s a little torn? Perhaps she’s thinking of getting pregnant, and wonders if it happens what that will mean in terms of being in your wedding. (Will she fit into her dress? What if she’s due around the wedding? maybe she’s dealing with some stress there.)
I’ve heard a lot on WB that some people close to a couple aren’t that excited for them at first. I don’t know if long engagements make people think the couple isn’t serious or what. Like "let’s wait and see if they actually get married." Or if people just don’t have the energy to be excited for wedding that’s over a year away. I suppose if some people got excited over a year in advance, by the time the wedding actually came aorund they’d be burned out. "Come on let’s get it over with already."
If the worst that she’s saying to you is that you don’t need to plan so early, I wouldn’t be too hard on her. Sounds like some other BMs, MOHs, and friends say a lot worse around here. No need to ruin your relationship. Just don’t share details with her. And if you need her for something, say trying on BM dresses, straight up ask her. If she gives you the same song and dance, be firm that while you understand that’s how she feels, you prefer to minimize stress by taking advantage of your extra time. And that since she’s your MOH, you just need her to do it, even if she disagrees with your timeline.
Post # 16
I agree with all the advice above!
As far as planning over a year out… Oh, heyyyy my venue was book over 1.5 years out for our preferred date and one of the bands we were looking at was booked over a year out. Another reason to plan earlier is $… if you KNOW you want certain favors or certain flowers, then definitely the sooner you know the longer you have to save up!
Keep planning, when she finally comes around to want to help you, she’ll see how imperative it was to start early!