Post # 1
My Bridesmaid or Best Man is soon to become an ex-BM. I’ve posted before, but long story short, I’ve been having difficulty contacting her since I got engaged. She ignores my phone calls, facebook messages, text messages, etc. In February I told her she needed to order her dress by April 30th. She told me she’d call me spring break. I sent her a text two weeks before spring break inviting her out the following week with another Bridesmaid or Best Man to get the dress and go for dinner after. She replied a week later (3 days before Spring Break), in a catty way, that she’s busy and said she’d call me Spring Break. She never called me spring break and her dress deadline is up.
Please don’t judge me on this, I’m deeply hurt by her lack of respect, communication and friendship since the engagement. In the last 7 months, I’ve accepted that our friendship is over, and I’m as ‘okay’ with that as I’ll ever be. But I don’t want her in my wedding party anymore. If anything, I’m terrified she will come up with an excuse the day before the wedding and say she can’t come. That TERRIFIES me. So I need to put an end to it now.
I NEVER confront people when I’m upset (Except for family and FI). I have never ever called a friend out on something they did to upset me, or told anyone off before. I have a hard time being rude to solicitors, never mind people who actually know me.
I’m so scared to talk to her. I’m afraid that she’s going to start crying on the phone and tell me she’s sorry and she knows she’s been a bad friend and would love to stay in the wedding. This is what happened in February when I confronted her and asked her if she still wanted to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. She cried and said that she would answer my messages and get the dress ordered on Spring Break. (I am paying the deposit so it’s not a money issue). The thing is, she had two and a half months to take half an hour to get fitted! I initially sent the details in a FB message so she’d have it in writing and not forget. I didn’t want to have to badger her every week. She’s 24, I figured she could remember a deadline. I reminded her only the one time, and that was the only time we’ve spoken.
i’ve been stressing about this for an entire month. I knew she wasn’t going to call me about the dress and it’s finally come to the time to call her.
Any tips on how to get rid of these nerves? I’m afraid to be confrontational, I’m afraid she’s going to manipulate me into changing my mind… ugh I just want this nightmare over with.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
Why do you think she’s going to answer the phone you call her to tell her all this if she’s ignored all your other attempts at communication?
If she doesn’t show up on the day of I don’t see that being a problem, you’re just down a Bridesmaid or Best Man and all your other girls step up a spot!
Post # 4
Maybe say it in a way like, how it seems like too much for her to take on and you really need things to be solidified for your wedding. Like you’re not blaming her, but that it wont work out with her being in the wedding if she’s too busy to do small things like make it to a dress fitting.
You don’t have to say things you’re uncomfortable saying, and you can be nice about it if you want. If she tries to convince you to keep her in it just say that you’ve given it a lot of thought and that it was hard to decide it but that you’ve made up your mind.
And, really, the only way to get rid of those nerves is to get it overwith! So if you’re 100% sure it’s the right decision, do it ASAP.
Post # 5
@MissKit: She missed the dress deadline. She doesn’t get to be in the wedding. Maybe you can be more tactful than me, but at this point she is dead weight to you.
Post # 6
@mchitt329: That’s the thing. I don’t think I’m going to get ahold of her. I’m going to try to call her tonight. I’ll leave a voice mail. I’ll try calling again tomorrow. Then as a last resort, I’ll have to send a facebook message. As much as I hate the fact that makes me look like a coward (even though I AM a coward) I’ll have no other choice. I don’t want to be out $200 for her dress, and $50 or so for her bouquet. That’s why the decision needs to be made now.
@mrs-evans: That’s the plan. I plan to be as nice as possible. And tell her that this way there’s no pressure for her to attend if life get in the way.
I’m still scared though haha.
Post # 7
How to get rid of the nerves:
When you are speaking to her remember that you are ANGRY. Remember all those days you thought of her and worried about whether she would order the dress. Do not let her emotionally manipulate you.
Honestly, I had a girl like this that I did not throw out of my wedding. Well, in hindsight I wish I had because we are no longer friends, but she’s in all my wedding photos.
This girl is not being a good friend to you and you are doing the right thing. You have a made a choice, and you know it is the right one. Keep telling yourself that!
Post # 8
Maybe this is immature of me, … ok not maybe, it is, but if I were in your shoes, I would not bother confronting her at all. I would chalk it up to she’s not interested, and she has clearly spelled out her intent with her inaction. I think there’s really no point talking to her about it as she clearly already doesn’t care. I say let it roll off your back and carry on with your day without worrying about her.
Post # 9
@MrsTVLover: Thank you. I will try to keep this in mind. It helped reading it, at any rate.
@HappySky7: I’ve considered just not contacting her at all. I just care way too much about what people think. And if she’s mentioned being a bridesmaid to anyone and has to explain why she no longer is, I don’t want her to say “The bride just never told me I wasn’t anymore and ignored me”. I have been so careful to not be bridezilla to her, so that in the event she wasn’t a bridesmaid anymore, she can’t tell people I did something wrong. Unless she lies, of course. But this was all on her.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@MissKit: I would just assume she isn’t going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and move on with planning as if she isn’t. If she hasn’t ordered her dress it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t plan on being a Bridesmaid or Best Man anyway. When she does get back into contact with you, I would let her know that since she didn’t respond to your previous calls/texts, you assumed she didn’t want to be your bridesmaid so you replaced her. Let your other BMs know exactly what happened so if your friend complains, there are people to back up your version of the events.
Post # 11
I agree with YUNO1. I don’t see the point in confronting her anyways. Personally, I would call the dress store and have them take her off your bridesmaids list so she can’t just show up on her own and get the dress. That way if she DOES go in and try to get her dress, the store will tell her she is not on the list…then she would have to call YOU and then you can tell her why you took her out as a bridesmaid. BUT, I’m going to venture to guess that there is a 99.9% chance you will not hear from her. I would leave it and just count her out of your wedding and plan around your other bridesmaids. I’m going through similar Bridesmaid or Best Man troubles so I feel for you dear. It’s hard when you consider them good friends…and even family as in my case! I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 12
Think of this as very good practice for the future. When you fear confrontation to the point where you don’t stand up for yourself, people walk all over you. You don’t have to be a hateful bitch to tell someone that their behavior is unacceptable. There are polite ways to do this. You can start by saying “I know you’ve been terribly busy lately, and you’ve had other priorities. I completely understand. I’m sure you’ll understand that with everything going on in both our lives, it would be better for you to attend the wedding as a guest.”
Post # 13
@MissKit: by that same logic, she could turn around and say “well I was going to be one, but then so and so kicked me out”. She *could* say all kinds of things. You’re not being a bridezilla to her, she’s being aloof and rude to you. I don’t think you owe her any more courtesy than she is giving you.
I do however, understand needing to have a nail in the coffin so to speak. I’m thinking just call her. I don’t think there’s a way for it to be comfortable. But getting it over and done with is probably going to eleviate a lot of stress. Even if she gets mad, are you any worse off? You don’t need to feel bad for hurting her feelings, as clearly she has not cared if she hurts yours.
Post # 14
@MissKit: IF she answers the phone at all, I highly doubt she’ll cry and beg to stay in the party, seeing as how she’s made it MORE than clear she doesnt want to be in it in the first place.
Just be frank with her: “I feel like this isnt something you are able to be a part of. If you don’t want to do it at this point I understand.”
Post # 15
@MissKit: I think this “confrontation” is totally unnecessary and I honestly wonder what exactly you expect to gain from having it at all? I mean, she doesn’t return your calls, shes totally disinterested in you, your wedding, and your relationship as friends…what can possibly be gained from calling her and unceremoniously throwing her out of the wedding party, when it appears she’s already excused herself?
If you’re angry and you want to tell her to go to hell, I get that, do it, you won’t feel better and she probably won’t care, but go ahead and do it.
If you aren’t angry, just stop calling her, remove her from your circle of contact and call it a day.
Drama begets drama, so avoid it if you can.
Post # 16
@HappySky7: I realize that. I feel better know if that person asks “why did she kick you out” if she has to lie, or be honest and say it was her fault. I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter, because if she wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she treated me like this, we wouldn’t be friends. And after kicking her out, I don’t intend to bend over backwards to keep the friendship. in my mind, the friendship is done. If she wants to reach out to me and repair the friendship, fine, but I’m not. It’s still hard though.
I feel since meeting my Fiance, I’ve been braver. I guess life is throwing these situations at me now, because it’s time I grow up and stop being such a pushover. It’s hard though, and I’m sad I’ve lost my friend. I don’t have many.