- 3 months ago
Longtime lurker, first time poster. I really need some distanced perspective from friends and family on something that has been weighing on my heart for some time.
My fiancé is truly my best friend. We live together, choose to spend our time together, and enjoy each otherís company. He makes me laugh like no one else, is completely thoughtful on a regular basis, and obviously cares for me. I love him with every ounce of my being.
We first met in 2012 and he moved in with me in 2013. His parents have both passed away when he was in high school and then college, so at the time, he was living with an aunt when I suggested that he move in. I knew he didnít have a lot to contribute at the time. I never expected anything, because I believed in us more than I cared about splitting rent. I knew heíd get there. I was the breadwinner for the first several years in our relationship. It caused a lot of tension and made the dynamic a little hard/emasculating on me, but he always went out of his way to help at home, cook, etc. We now share that role of earning money.
Around the start of 2015, I started to bring up the topic of marriage. It seemed like the natural evolution of our relationship, and he agreed. After dropping some hints throughout the year to no avail, I said that I’d like to set a timeframe, maybe around the end of 2015. It was not an ultimatum by any means, but a firm expression of my desire to get engaged and begin our life together, choosing each other. He proposed at the end of December. It was a beautiful engagement and the ring is just as beautiful. It was my dream proposal, and it felt like the beginning of our next chapter.
Since then, talk of marriage or our wedding day has gotten a little…weird.
We’ve moved twice since then, so thatís obviously a factor that has played into this financially and emotionally. We also don’t have much family support, from his side (both of his parents are deceased, family is estranged) or my side (relationships with my parents are rocky due to a narcissistic parent and enabler). It’s been hard, expensive, and frustrating. I know that given our situation, it’s been hard to actually put down payments on anything or start making concrete plans, but I still enjoy that feeling of knowing it’s coming in time. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about weddings since I’m busy with my work most of the time, so I wouldn’t say I’m wedding obsessed by any stretch.
But there are just some things that I can’t seem to understand. Things like:
– I still don’t have my engagement pictures. Not one of them without a watermark. It hurts that I can’t share any photos from my day. I know the photographer was pricey enough, and he figured that photos were included in the session. They were not. So now I’m left empty handed with just screenshots, and our gallery is so old now that it has expired. I didnít need all 100+ of them. Maybe just 5? Still – nothing. I have expressed this desire so many times, that I’d like to have these photos in a special album or on our walls, but still – nothing.
– He doesn’t bring up our wedding day or seem enthused about it. Iíve never put pressure on him to talk about any details, but does he think about me in my dress coming down the aisle? Does he envision our first dance? Is he excited to pick out a cake? Anything?
– Anytime I mention our wedding day, itís tampered with mentions of his “dead parents” how they “ruined everything”. The other day, he said “you deserve a great day, and I can’t give it to you”, in the context of not having any family on his side to invite. I brought up our wedding date yesterday, one we had picked out very generally for September, and immediately, the conversation became about his parents and how he has nothing to offer me. Again. I’ve processed a lot of the grief around this knowing I wonít have in-laws, and have never held this against him. I’ve listened to him (even when he guilts me for not listening enough?), I’ve held him when he was struggling, and I carry his mom’s diamond in my engagement ring everywhere I go. I donít know where this comes from, if it’s truly grief over it or whether itís a way to get me off topic. But this hurts too.
– Last night in the midst of arguing over all of this, he said, “I hate the institution of marriage anyway”. Mic drop. I donít know what to say to that. Iím still processing it. If that was your deeply held belief, why disclose this now? Why propose? What does that even mean?
– His reactions when I even make the slightest mention of our wedding are best summed up as manic. I have to tiptoe around any mention of our own marriage. He goes from 0 to 100, screaming, crying, even backing me into corners to yell. I just didn’t picture planning my wedding like this.
So, I don’t know. Am I doing something wrong here? Should I approach this differently? Any thoughts of yours would be appreciated :-/
TL;DR Fiancé is saying/doing things to tamper the excitement of our engagement and wedding planning, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I love this man and can’t picture my life without him, but I also can’t imagine living in engagement limbo. I’m starting to lose interest, as these conversations are just an exhausting merry-go-round and I just didn’t see this being my reality.