I honestly NEVER thought I'd be considering kicking out a bridesmaid but…

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3948 posts
Honey bee

@gar0190:  I dont understand why you would kick her out of your wedding for moving out of state? Our entire bridal party (4 bridesmaids/4 groomsmen) all lived in a different state from us. Thats life.

And expecting her to use a sick day to go try on dresses is ridiculous. Tell her which dress you want her to get and let her order it on her own time.

Post # 4
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

She’s already stressing you out. I would have a serious talk with her and put it all out there. You need her to do this, do that, set deadlines for her, since she needs a little bit more guidelines than your other bridesmaids. And if she can’t be responsible, then tell her you’ll much rather have her as. guest since she can’t be 100% committed to be a bridesmaid. Maybe she’ll feel pressured and drop out anyways. 

Post # 6
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Bostongrl25:  I don’t think you fully read OP’s post right. That is not what she’s saying at all. 

Post # 7
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You are being unreasonable.  You can’t force her to take time off to go dress shopping if she is scheduled to work that day.  If she can’t come, you just let her know which dress has been chosen and she orders it.  You also don’t get to judge her for how she decides to use her days off.  We just got back last night from a weekend trip at 12:30 am, FI had to be up at 5 to get ready for work.  I’m sure he would have loved to take an extra day off and do “nothing”.

The only responsibility she has is to take time off to be at the wedding, not “pre-wedding events”.  If she moves out of state and is not able to attend showers etc that is no reason to kick her out.  I live in Texas, my girls are in Ontario and British Columbia, I am not expecting to have any “pre-wedding events” for this reason and it is not a big deal.

I think you need to back off a little bit with your demands of your bridal party.

Post # 9
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with @Silly_love. Give her deadlines. If she can’t meet them, she’s not in the wedding. I had a similar situation and I gave my problem BM a deadline to order her dress. I didn’t nag her to order it – I reminded her once, only to get a catty response that she was busy – and that’s it. When she didn’t order her dress by the deadline, I told her I didn’t think things were going to work out. 

It sucked, I won’t lie. I’m non-confrontational so telling her this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do concerning my friends. But it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders afterwards. 

I will mention, that we are no longer friends. We ended things on good terms, but I think we both have no interest in keeping up the friendship so we’re leaving things as they are. (i.e. no more contact)

Post # 10
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My friend had an issue with her little sister MOH not ‘doing what she was suppposed to’ as MOH…I seriously looked at my friend and asked her…’Does she KNOW what you want her to do? She’s 19 and hasn’t done this before…maybe you should TALK to your SISTER about your concerns.’

I don’t understand why so many brides are scared to voice their concerns with their bridal parties. These people are you friends or family and you should be able to talk to them.

Granted, I’m only going to ask people that I am definitely close to to be bridesmaids…your first mistake was asking her to be a bridesmaid out of obligation. Now you have to deal with it. If she isn’t aware of what is involved, tell her what your expectations are and let her decide. She isn’t required to be there to pick a dress, but it would be nice of her to try. And when it comes down to it, a person’s job is more important than your wedding…but again, as a friend, she should try to ask off for related events. 

If you are ready to kick her out, do it sooner rather than later but be prepared to lose her as a friend.

Post # 11
Member
3948 posts
Honey bee

@gar0190:  I wasn’t asking her to use a sick day for ME, but hearing that she wasted one to do nothing rubbed me the wrong way. 

How she uses her sick days is really none of your business.

 @Silly_love:  I read the entire post.

Post # 12
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP just feels like this bridesmaid is not responsible and unpredictable. She doesn’t feel like she’s committed in being a bridesmaid and has her doubts that she’ll be apart of anything wedding related, let alone attending the wedding if she moves. I would be frustrated too if I felt liket bridesmaid wasn’t taking any interest in my wedding, when she agreed to be a part of it. 

Post # 13
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It is not your bridesmaid’s job to throw you a shower. Maybe she didn’t respond because she is not interested in and/or not in a position to be throwing a party for you. That is no reason to kick her out of your wedding party. Likewise, moving to another state and/or not being available to try on dresses are also not reasons to kick someone out of your wedding party. I think you need to adjust your expectations to be more in line with reality. Other than her rather forward behavior at the get-go, which may have been a touch gauche, she is not the problem in this situation; you are. Now if she starts being nasty to you or something, then you can re-visit your options. Until then, banish the negative thoughts from your head. They aren’t helping you any.

EDIT: Why do you even know whether or not this maid has responded to an e-mail from your MOH? This is not your business. If your MOH is looping you in, the best thing you can do for yourself is to tell MOH that you do not want to know anything about planning the shower. If your nose isn’t in it, then you won’t have to worry about it.

Post # 13
Member
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@gar0190:  sounds like she’s showing ZERO initiative. i kicked out a bridesmaid for this. so it’s possible. 

 

@Bostongrl25:  i don’t think she is expecting her to use a sick day. she was saying that this girl can put forth the effort to make time to do something she wants to do but will not put an inch of effort toward any of the duties of being a bridesmaid. even answering emails is a chore. 

a big part of wedding planning is communication. as brides we can control vendors, money, details but the biggest challenge is the people. you can’t control people but you can choose to put up with their shenanigans. some people are optional, like bridesmaids and some are not, like the groom and your mother lol

Post # 15
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@pixiecat:  I disagree with the whole “The only responsibility she has is to take time off to be at the wedding”. Wrong. The responsibility of a FRIEND is to support your friend. If she doesn’t care to try to be at the OP’s wedding events, then she fails as a friend. If she fails as a friend, then she fails as a good bridesmaid. Just like a friend who doesn’t care to make time for a friend’s birthday party – fail.

OP: Your bridesmaid should make an effort to be there for you. Why should they get a free pass to be a lousy friend, and then you’re expected to put up with this, and in the end buy them gifts and thank them for being there for you? Makes no sense. 

Post # 16
Member
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@gar0190:  listen, don’t wait until she puts up money and orders a dress for her to eff up the next step (shoes, hair, make up, fittings). replace her now. trust me.

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