Post # 1
Hi Wedding Bees!
I have been longing to join this site and finally can now that I have some bling on my left hand!
Let me give you some background:
My mom and I are very close and I love her dearly. Yet, she has many opinions and can be overbearing. She has made many of the decisions in my life and influenced me to do certain things… I always feel guilty if I don’t!
Now, I am planning the biggest event in my life and WANT to start to make my own decisions. I want to decide everything but it is very hard- i feel I need her approval. I know if I do ask her help on certain things she will go overboard and plan the entire wedding. * Did you ever hear the saying, “Don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want to know the answer?”
Did you use your family’s input much? They will be paying for some of the wedding but not exactly sure yet.
Thank you for your help. Your posts are always so endearing. 🙂
Post # 3
Unfortunately, I feel like if the parents are paying, they should have some input on the wedding. Have you already had some things that you have fought with her about or are you just feeling like you won’t agree with her about certain things? I would talk to her and see which things she would like to help with and you might have to give a little in those areas (just like you have to give on some things with your future husband).
Post # 4
That is very true. The wedding list to begin with. I wanted a smallish wedding but she is upset I am not inviting extended family. I just don’t want to be guilt-tripped into having a wedding I really didn’t want.
My FH and I have been planning lots but getting nowhere because I can’t choose! I’m scared she’ll hate it.
Post # 5
Mother/daughter relationships are complicated, but if you want things you look the way you want it, you have to put your foot down. Be polite, but firm and remind her that you are old enough to make good decisions.
My mother is of the opinionated/high stress/high drama variety and I am only taking into consideration her opinion on things she is paying for (dress and venue) otherwise she will seriously stress me out. Using the sweet, but firm tactic is working so far.
I like to think of it this way as well…will you need her approval on decisions you make in your marriage too? or the curtains you want to hang in your house? Mom’s can be good sounding boards, but at our age they should not have the final say or make you feel guilt.
Post # 6
This is why I love you guys and this site! 🙂
Post # 7
I wish I could tell you to put your foot down and ignore her. However, if you accept money then with it comes obligation. I’m sorry, but it’s unavoidable.
There is some good news though. Her right to make decisions is directly porportional to the amount of financial help she offers. For example, if she pays for hte flowers, she gets to help choose. But that doesn’t mean she can tell you which DJ to book.
Post # 8
I think that you need to be honest with your mother, but I know that that can be really hard. May I suggest writing a letter? Something like:
“Dear Mum, I am now ready to take the next step in my life, and thanks to you and how you raised me I am excited take flight and begin this next phase of my life. As such, I need to start to be more independent, just as you would want me to. I want to show you that I can take care of myself and eventually, those that come along later so that I can raise my own children.
But I might need some help with these decisions, and I know that I will still need and ask for your advice at times. I will need you to help me when I ask, but to not try and do everything for me, as I know you will want to do, because you would do anything to make my life easier. But I need to do things for myself and I need you to let me do them.
I love you so much and can’t imagine you not being a large part of my life or in the planning of my wedding. Let’s do this thing together, I’ll be the pilot, and you my co-pilot.”
It’s a little rough but the goal is to let know know that you still need her opinion, that she is important, but that you need to take the lead on this. A letter also means that she can reread it and let it sink in.
Just a thought. But this way hopefully everyone’s feelings are accounted for.
Goodluck and I’m sure it will all sort itself out. 🙂
Post # 9
Just to add to what everything else is saying… yes is she pays for something she gets imput, but that doesn’t mean she necessarily has the final say, and certainly leaves you room to put your own point of view across and come to a compromise, I’m sure she also wants you to be happy!
Post # 10
We decided right off the bat that while our parents’ opinions matter to us, there were a few things we wouldn’t compromise on, and that if they disagreed we’d be willing to pay for it all ourselves rather than change our plans. (This was just big things, like no church wedding.)
Luckily our parents came around to the idea after a few heated conversations, and our wedding is still pretty much a joint venture. But it did get really hairy with Future Mother-In-Law for awhile – she had an ideal wedding for us in her head, which in no way reflected our actual personalities. It was really awkward to fight about that, money or no money, because spiritual matters are so personal.
I don’t think little details, like you’re worried about, are as big of a deal. I would pick a few things that you’re undecided on and ask for your mom’s opinion. For instance, if you’re not sure what kind of dinner you want, you could ask her if she imagines stations, a sit-down dinner, etc., and if she has any advice or preference. But don’t be afraid to make your own decisions as well. If she feels strongly about something, she’ll let you know and you can address it from there.
Post # 11
I’m a very independent person and I wouldn’t be able to plan my wedding without my Mom’s input. It just requires a little balance, a little tact and a sense of fun.
Try not to get bogged down in details, enjoy the planning process and use it as a platform to strengthen your relationship with your mom.
Yes, she will probably say things you don’t want to hear but that’s ok! Work to a compromise (especially if she is helping with $$) and calmly explain your opinion and views.
Start your planning with her from a positive perspective- that she is there to help you make your happiest day truly your happiest day. I’m sure she just wants what’s best for you. Listen to her advice and trust that she is coming from a place of wanting to help you.
It’s hard to admit sometimes, but mother often knows best 🙂 NOT on everything, but some things.
Post # 12
I think it’s important to include others by listening to their opinions, but ultimately you need to make the final decisions. It will be your day, after all. If you agree with your mother, good. If not, then your opinion is what should matter most.
Post # 13
That sounds like a post I could have written :). With my mom, she’s been coming to the important appointments (dress, venue), but Fiance and I are going to cake tasting, dj appointments separately.
There just has to be lines. Yes, she gets a bit of a say since she’s paying. However, some things are going to be you and your FI’s decision. Stand your ground on things that matter to you, and make sure you have complete (rational) control over some areas, so that it still feels like your wedding. For example, she wants us to have a white cake. We’re going to go with a flavor, but we might have one tier be white to compromise.
It’s tough :(, but working with an overbearing mother is totally doable. Good luck!
Post # 14
Ugh do we have the same mother?
My mother has very STRONG opinions and she sure knows how to put me on a guilt trip.
I have included her in the wedding planning….well she included herself cuz she said she wants to have a big wedding and she’s paying for it
Because of this she often throws in “Well I’m paying for it….” or ” You’re not paying for it…”
This has lead to many a battle….but more internally than anything else cause if i say some things she would say I’m ungratedul.
But then there are some things I said I am paying for because there’s simply no two ways about it. My dress for example.
I also know that its an important day for her too so I’ll let her win some. Just got to keep your mom at bay if she’s paying. And choose your battles wisely.
Post # 15
My parents are paying but they dont really get much input. Yes I do show them what I picked out and if they dont like it too bad its my wedding.