(Closed) I just can't bear my sister anymore

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ticatica:  Honestly, your sister sounds like a leech. It is unfathomable that she would beg your mother for money when she got alll the inheritence. Just because she is bad with money does not mean your mother needs to support her. I would seriously talk to your mother about ceasing the giving of money.

In regards to your wedding, if there a way you can have her back out of the speech? Maybe if your mother does not pay for her to come she will not attend the wedding and you won’t have to worry about it.

I hope it all works out for you.

Post # 4
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you need to decide if you want her in your life or not. If you do, causing problems now will only make it worse for you. Having her in your life means realizing she won’t change and just dealing with how she is. That doesn’t mean letting her take advantage of you. I wouldn’t pay her taxi fare, I wouldn’t pay for her to have her nails done. If she says she can’t afford something wedding related, tell her that stinks, and you understand if she can’t make it to the wedding. While she doesn’t have to get you a gift, she also doesn’t have to get attitude when things aren’t arranged around her.

If you don’t want her in your life, now is the time to cut her out. Not days before the wedding or after she ruins the experience (if you think she might). I’d think long before I made this decision.

No one can tell you what to do, but it sounds like you have feelings of resentment towards her. I would too. She takes money from your mother (not her mother, right?) and seems like an entitled brat. I don’t think you should be angry when u make the decision.

Post # 7
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

@ticatica:  She’s 40!?!?!?  She is way past the time where she should be asking anyone for money!  She’s been a grown up for a long time and is acting like a spoiled teenager!  Best of luck to you no matter what you decide to do!

Post # 8
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m probably going to piss a bunch of ppl off, but the whole “they are family” bit doesn’t excuse pals behavior. You don’t choose your family. They are picked for you. If they end up ebing a rotten human being, you don’t have to have them in your life because sperm met egg and BAM. My dad is 50% of me. Does that mean I have to go along with the crazy lies he tell? No. Do I have to listen to him scold me because I stand up for myself when he tells lies to ppl about me? No. Should I allow him to lie and ruin my good name because he believes the lies he tells? No. All I owe him is to be a decent person. I do not run his name into the ground. I do not do things deliberately to hurt him. But I refuse to allow him into my life. Presently, I haven’t decided if he is invited to the wedding. I’m taking my time to make the decision. But I don’t owe him a spot in my life when he works so hard to ruin it. Some ppl are just bad. It sucks, and it hurts when they are close to you, or were close to you, but it doesn’t change that they are in no way there for you and only bring pain or harm to you.

If your sister has good in her, then try to fight for it, but just know that her being connected to you by blood means just that. Blood only. There is no positive emotional connection or good relationship unless both parties work towards it.

Post # 12
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@AJester2:  I agree so much with this!!!

My sister will not be invited to our wedding. I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 years and have no intention of changing that. She is extremely manipulative and abusive(emotionally and verbally) at times and our last disagreement was the last straw. She continues to try but I just don’t respond. However I have a mother that is definitely part of the ‘they are family’ group and she will not let me forget it. Oh well…NOT my issue. I wouldn’t allow someone I chose to use/abuse me (my ex) and I will NOT be used/abused by someone just because they happen to be related to me. I value myself more than that!

Stop enabling her behavior. Do not give/spend money for her…including for your wedding. If she is capable of paying for trips etc then she is capable of paying her share.

Post # 13
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yikes. I wish I had good advice more than just saying I’m sorry you’re going through this and echoing some of the PPs’ comments. I have a troublesome family member but not in the same way…you just can’t choose who your family is. And all you can control is your reaction to them. So don’t enable her, and also don’t expect her to be the way you want her to be. She said she can’t afford to get you a present, and while that’s totally shitty, if you want her in your life, just try to let it go. If you get to a point where you don’t think you want her in your life anymore…then some of these reactions and choices get easier. 

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Im sorry you are going through this. She is being completely unreasonable. 

I can relate on some levels…. me and one of my sisters were also abused, because of what happened, we had a very strained relationship for years. I felt like I never understood why she acted like she hated me, treated me horribly, was angry all the time. I was surprised when she asked me to be her maid of honour, I had no idea what to write in the speach…But in the end, I really dug deep, and I think surprised both of us, she cried and I cried, and I felt so close to her. It meant so much to me that she chose me as her maid of honour with our issues, I never thought that she would change, but slowly we are rebuilding our relationship. 

So my advice might be different from that of other people. I would not kick her out of the wedding. I would not take any more drama from her, tell her that if she wants to come you want her to come, if she cant afford it, you cant help her. Its her choice if she wants to act grown up. Let her give the speech. I don’t think you have to worry about people feeling that shes just as important as your mom and your other sister, they will be able to tell by how you guys interact. 

I guess it comes to this: If you have her there, she may cause some drama, but she might surprise you, and you might be happy in the end that she was there for your special day. If you uninvite her, you might regret it in the future. 

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