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I have not experienced this (no bridal party) but I don't think you were doing anything wrong. I totally understand why you are frustrated, and I would be too. However, as hard as it may be, I think you need to let her walk away from this - these are here issues, not yours, and she is imposing them on you. Hopefully she will come around, but an invitation to the afterparty should be more than enough for her boyfriend. Good luck - I totally feel for you!
I don't think you're wrong- I see what you want for your wedding vision and it's GREAT that you're doing a party for people who cannot attend. We are doing the same thing!
It's just like a no kid's rule- if you make an exception, anyone with a kid who is at home is going to be fuming. She overreacted and HE (her bf) sounds a little bonkers if he cares that much about attending a wedding of someone he never met. If I were him, I'd say to my gf "oh I wish I could go with you, but you'll have fun!" and then be excited about the other party. it is NOT right for him to throw a fit.
If I were you, I'd send her an email saying that you care deeply about her and her friendship, but you have specific wedding plans / guest list / restrictions for a reason. Reminder her of the other guests whose +1's are not invited or coming, and say that you are VERY happy for her with ____, you look forward to getting to know him, and remind her that him not being invited is not a reflection on him or your feelings about him. And then re-welcome her to participate and say you'd love to have them BOTH at the larger party. That's all you can do- be mature and give her a chance to be as well.
You haven't even met the dude? And it's a family and closecloseclose friends affair? Yeah, she's tripping. I don't think you're in the wrong at all.
I havent experienced that.. but my BM dropped out a week before my wedding bc she couldnt find a brown dress anywhere and she claimed she didnt have the money for one... except she gave me 50 dollars for a wedding gift and that would have bought her an amazing brown dress.
I think it is weird that youre not letting +1 to your wedding but you are allowing +1 after dinner? You let her know and everyone else in your wedding party know that +1 isnt allowed, so SHE is being disrespectful. Talk about a bridesmaidzilla!!!
it sounds like he's pretty controlling if he doesn't want her to be alone for a few hours during a wedding. i feel like she (and he) is being disrespectful to think that you should go so out of your way for someone who obviously is not important to you when you're having such an intimate wedding. there's no reason he needs to be invited, you haven't even met him, i'm sure there's tons of people a lot closer to you that you aren't able to invite due to the small guest list that come way before him. (i have a small guest list too, i understand!) i would try to talk to your friend again and try to explain the situation one more time. it sounds like she's pretty much just listening to everything he says right now, but it couldn't hurt to try, and it would be sad not to have your good friend at your wedding.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! You definitely didn't do anything wrong, especially since no one else was allowed to have +1s either. I'd definitely send her an email just to tell her that you care a lot about her and explaining your reasoning for not inviting him (even if you've said it before, I'd explain it one last time) and emphasize that it's not JUST HIM who isn't invited. Beyond that, there's not much else you can do - it's up to her to grow up and accept that sometimes she can't get everything she wants!
I think you've explained your situation to her very clearly. My fiance would love to get an invite to dancing only! haha! These are obviously her issues. Try not to let her negative attitude ruin the excitement of your wedding! Good luck :)
kjpugs gave great advice above that I can't improve on. Just thought I would chime in to say that I'm sorry that this is happening to you, and I don't think you're being disrespectful at all. I hope she comes around and doesn't throw away your friendship over this.
That is such a shock. A friend of 7 years should know better than that. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is really frustrating.
I don't think you are wrong. Your friend knew your situation from the beginning. She even said two months ago that she didn't expect him to be invited.
This guy is really brain washing her. He tells her something and she does what he says. She was fine with him not going, until he got upset about it. She was fine with paying for his plate, until he didn't think that was right. He probably fed all those ideas in her head of you being disrespectful and that she shouldn't be in your wedding.
Honestly, it's probably better at this point, that she not be in it because he's just going to keep coming up with more problems. But, I would be concerned for your friend, this guy isn't good for her. He's too controlling! It's only been three months and he's got her breaking up a 7 year friendship.
Good luck.
@STUDENT BRIDE: After the wedding I have made arrangements at an awesome restaurant with a band to have an after party and i will be paying for first few drinks for friends who were not allowed at the wedding... unless you were married etc there were no extras. Like none. It is family only... blood related but 3 friends in bridal party.
Um, her boyfriend didn't want her to be at your wedding "unsupervised"?! Control issues, much?
I like kjpugs's suggestion. All you can do is to be the bigger person and see if she'll come around. It does seem like a shame to throw away a 7-year friendship for a guy she's only known for a few months.
Yep, I am with Charm Braclet... Your friend is in deep with a super controlling guy.
Well, I get what youre doing now. This is totally not cool for her to be doing this now, but it sounds like she is really not in thinking things through... and what does her BF even think she is going to DO at a wedding of your family???
Thanks so far for the advice!
@ student bride: Apparently his exact words were he didnt like the thought of her walking down the aisle with another man (was going to be a married cousin with a 2 yrd old) and her partying with out him.. so I am now disrespectful for not being considerate to invite him because he means so much to her.
He sounds very controlling. Is there a reason she would put up with someone like him? Low self esteem or something? Sorry you are going through this.
@lynnabby: well she has gone through alot of crappy relationships (to them just fun and fooling around) (her she fell for each one) and she would always say why cant i find someone who loves me I am an awesome catch why am i always in the friend zone... well she meets this guy on a dating site they move in within a few weeks and he said i love you within a week. She's head over heels and she is willing to throw my friendship away for that feeling i guess.
It sounds like your friend has lost her mind! She is willing to give up a 7+ year friendship for a guy she JUST met? NUTS!! Also it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and very controlling on his part. The whole walking down the aisle with another man part is just RIDICULOUS! What is he 15? So immature. My sister is walking down the aisle with another guy, does her bf care? NOPE!
I would let it go for now and focus on your wedding, maybe she'll realize the mistake she's made when their relationship ends because she realizes she has no friends b/c of him. I know it's hard b/c I've been there but the best thing I did with that friend was honestly just stop calling her/texting her basically dropped all communication because it ate me up inside that she ditched me for a guy. She eventually saw the light and came around and was very apologetic and it took awhile for her to win my trust back.
OMG they moved in together already!? This is a VERY bad bad unhealthy relationship. They hardly know eachother!
Sorry for the drama this is causing you, but I feel bad for your friend too. She is obviously in a very unhealty relationship. Hope you can be there for her when she finds out what a mistake she has made. I think she is going to need you. You sound like a good friend.
I know she feels like he is the world to her but right now I am so angry that she has pulled herself from one of the most important days of my life for him. This will only happen once (knock on wood) and the fact she wont be there is horrible... how can I sit here and wait for her to realize and then be there for her when she is doing something so awful to me... i mean this isnt my birthday party... I dont know.. right now I guess I am too angry... also i am sad this is how she feels about our friendship and wont be there... i guess time will tell what ends up happening... right now the thought that I am a supposed disrepectful friend is what is killing me.. that someone would think that of me! :( Why do people ditch their friends for someone... i know this wont last... what kind of man would throw a tantrum and be ok with his girl losing a friend of 7 yrs.
Of course you are upset, you have every reason too. I don't know about some people though, they are just so desperate for love they don't think or act rationally. It's almost as if they go a little insane or something.
On your wedding day just relax and enjoy everyone who is there for you. You have a very special time coming up. Congratulations
When I read your first post I thought to myself "they can't be living together so she can't be THAT upset about not getting a +1." Guess they're crazy in love. This is not your fault! I could see maybe if your tone wasn't the most diplomatic, maybe she would have the right to be upset, but not act like this! And it's really unfair for her to cause all this drama so close to the date. Is she close with another BM? Maybe you need a 3rd party to side with you. Sorry this is all going on! I hope it works out without bloodshed! ;-)
If I were you I would put my foot down and if she can't accept that you won't make an exception for someone you don't even know over people you've known for a while and If she is willing to drop you for him maybe she doesn't deserve to be a part of your big day. Sounds harsh, but maybe once she see what she missed in your wedding pics, she'll regret it and realize that she can't let someone she barely knows dictate her life. I can't believe she would do something like that, but please stand your ground and don't give in to her childish temper tantrum
First of all, i do not think you are at wrong! Your friend and her man did not have any consideration or respect that this is your wedding, your day. A day where you wanted it to be a family only gathering and basically you plainly put out all the rules saying what you wanted. Then she gets into a little tiff with her man, and says your the disrespectful bride!! please girl, do not think twice on what you did and just say good riddance to her! well, i can say this, you know how some girls become head over heels for their man and they will do and act in every way their man likes. Then a couple of months or years down the line, they break up and end up going back to their friends! who knows, what the future holds for them in the end, but keep your head up and have a wonderful wedding!! <3
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I have had 5 bridesmaids now I am down to 4 because apparently I am a disrespectful person. Well so she claims. My wedding is around the corner and this girl who is my friend of 7 yrs has not helped one bit. She has not offered other than make up on my wedding day. She didnt even know where I was getting married nor what is even going on.
She does know that I have cut out all friends from the wedding but bridal party and it is FAMILY ONLY. No plus 1's no anything. It will be a small 50 person intimate wedding and an after party somewhere afterwards for friends who were not allowed to come to the FAMILY gathering. Well she has been with someone for less than 3 months who apprently is GOD and is the love of her life. Fine whatever i wont hate. Good for her.
She accepted my offer of being a bridesmaid a loooong time ago! She said 2 months ago she would not ask for him to go she understood and he would have to deal with it. NOW all of a sudden I get a text that he is completely upset he is not invited (mind you I have never met him) he then was not even talking to her. She offered to pay for his plate a while ago but it is not fair for people who are closer to not bring plus 1's etc.. then i would have to get another table, another centerpiece, party favors and a new table runner made by my grandmother.
It was too much and defeated the purpose of (small) wedding. I dont care if people normally allow plus 1's etc. Everyone in this knew what our budget is, knows the situation and has had no issues but HER. I offered to pay for his drinks and invite him to after party,, that wasnt good enough, I said after dinner he can come in and just blend in with drinking & dancing.. that wasnt good enough. He didnt want her alone at wedding unsuperivised and had to be there when he knows not one person and has been around for less than 3 months. Finally after her making me feel so bad by saying how angry he was and how its causing MAJOR issues I said fine if you want to pay for his plate go ahead.. I will have to change everything. She says ok i will talk to him. 3 hours later I get a text. She out right tells me I am disrespectful for not allowing him to be there. I hurt her feelings and she will no longer be coming to my wedding much less be in it. I am siding with him and he is right he should be allowed to come and If i cared i would have said ok at the beginning. Apparently she spoke with him and this sounds like something he must of said because she was fine when i agreed. Seriously.....
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I AM DISRESPECTFUL!?!?! This is my damn wedding and she is suppose to be there for me, help me! They cant be apart for a few hours.. to be so selfish and flat out say I am not a good friend for this when this is my day not hers!!! You cant even help with the wedding much less make demands on who i invite... only thing she is concerned about is him and his plate at the wedding not the whole meaning or the wedding itself!!! Ugh i am so pissed (this happened last night) I cant even think properly. The nerve for her to say I would have invited your man.. um my man would never throw a tantrum and would understand!!! The fact she dares to compare is appalling. Needless to say she is out and I am just in shock 7 yrs will be thrown away and I am a bad guy when she is ruining my wedding and choosing some penis of 3 months... so sad...
What are your thoughts? Am I wrong? Has anyone experienced this?