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Good Lord, your in-laws sound ridiculous! I can't even fathom parents being like that (my parents are always giving me money and/or paying bills when I need a little extra help). What does your FH have to say about his parents and their behavior?
He feels really horrible. He has already agreed to not give them anymore money. During the whole situation he always stood up for me. But he is such a nice guy that before he met me he gave everyone everything they needed.
He really does feel bad. I have cried about it to him a couple of times since the wedding, but i try not to say too much. But seriously i think about this situation at least every day. I'm normally the type of person who will let ppl know when they have offended me, but this is his family and i don't want a big problem so i have always played nice.
I should also mention, My fiance even quit smoking to save for our wedding, and his health. Three months after he quit and his mom wanted money she said to him, "You don't know what its like to go without ciggerettes!"
This sounds horrible. My future in-laws seem like saints. I can't imagine having grown adults ask me and my FI for money. Kudos to you that you were kind enough to borrow them money once.
I guess the one positive thing you can take from this is knowing that your spending habits are better? (At least that is what it sounds like...)
Maybe you would feel awkward doing this, but have you or your husband ever talked to them about their spendig habits? Maybe you could teach them a thing or two about budgeting?
@BlueChampagne: I have wanted to sit them down and do a budget forever. However my husband thinks it wouldn't work. We have lent them money at least 20 times in the past year and a half alone. Every time we do or they are broke I say, if they want to ask us for money we have a right to request they make a budget. My husband just says they will never change they are adults blah blah blah. But seriously a homemade card is free.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this; you're so right - a homemade card is free and would have meant SO much to the two of you. Money issues aside, you obviously feel as though they did not take any time whatsoever to acknowledge your wedding and the beginning of your marriage, which is not okay. :(
As for the financial side of things, I totally feel you. My FI's parents have been absolutely AWFUL w/their money in the past (they do not communicate w/each about $ at all, his father has declared bankruptcy, etc.) and we're petrified that once we're both done with school we will be hit up for cash. They are not the only ones in the family that do this.
Here's our game plan that I thought I'd share with you: if his parents (or other family members) come to us with a request for money and WE (as a couple b/c it's both of your money now) determine we will give them the money, we're going to request the physical paper bill, write the check, and send it in ourselves. If they say, "Oh, we need groceries," we're going to get in the car and take them to get groceries. None of this just forking over cash business. As far as whether or not it's considered a loan or a gift, that will be determined by my FI and I as well.
Honestly, I'd be concerned that your hubby is saying they'll never change. That may be true, but you guys do not need to be the ones to enable their bad financial habits. You sound like a young couple who is starting out who needs to get your feet firmly established financially - and you cannot do that carrying his parents on your back.
@qui40067: Its just his personality, he is the type of person who stays out of other peoples business. However, our game plan was to not let them borrow anymore money and since we have been back from our honeymoon we haven't. So he is being very firm.
I agree with qui40067 - be very firm from now on. Only lend them money if they have a specific bill or need (groceries, item. Sounds like they're pretty selfish and don't appreciate the needs of others.
What about helping them get a financial advisor or someone who can sit down with them and make a budget? This could be a gift or a "voluntold" type thing.
Do they ask their other son for money? Would it be different if they lived far away or close to you?
@Rgeddy: No they don't, in fact his brother also calls and asks for money.
The bank is closed! But that still doesn't make me feel any better about the past.
Honestly the issue started when you lent them money the first time. Once they get it once, they will always ask. It sucks that his brother is doing it too! I will never understand that, I could never make myself ask someone for money, maybe I have too much pride. But yes, please keep your wallet closed, don't even take them grocery shopping. If they are indeed adults then they can learn to save like them. What would they have done if they didn't have children?! Why do some parents think their kids are ATMs?
you have to put your foot down and not "lend" them anymore money ever unless its a real emergency, because technically you are funding their bad money decisions by always giving them what they want
Honestly, I wouldn't give them money anymore. They're adults, they clearly can't handle money and they need to learn to grow up sometime. You're enabling them. Stop it.
We have already established that they aren't getting any more money. I guess i just really need advice on how to get past all this negative crap im feeling towards them. They also really complained a lot before our wedding. Stuff that made me feel like all my hard work was just going to come off as snobby. Made me feel like the nicer and more beautiful the wedding was the more it would suck to them.
Well, too bad for them, if they didn't like your wedding!!! I LOVED your flowers that you made into bouquets,-in fact when I first saw them, I thought they were real!!! And I think it is sooo fun that people enjoyed your poppers and used them as further table decor!! :) Don't listen to your IN-Laws and definitely DON'T let them "borrow" any more money. You rock!!! (And I could totally be your mom) :)
Poor you. Is it possible to keep your distance for a while, until your hurt feelings have faded? TBH it doesn't sound like they're ever gonna be easy to get on with.
It sounds like no wedding you could've planned would've pleased them. It does sound like your man has learned to not let them get under his skin, which from your perspective really is the most important thing. It'd be terrible if he wasn't on your side in this.
As for budgeting, as far as I can make out, if someone's stubborn about something, you will never ever convince them of anything different. If they ask for help, well sure: if you offer, it'll be ignored/rejected/insulted. Which will keep you in the hurt-hate-them place. which is best avoided where possible.
On the money, though, it's not even the asking for money that bothers me - they're clearly lying about their finances. Fishing trip how many days after pleading poverty? new tv? that's not need, that's greed.
Keep on ranting to us here, vent your spleen, and be grateful your fella learned better financial habits somewhere!
I agree no more giving them money. I would say lending, but usually lending means they will pay you back, and your inlaws obvisouly don't plan to. I also have to wonder if money you have lent them has gone into that new tv, or that expensive fishing trip.
I'm not quite sure what kind of advice I can give you to help you get over the hurtful things they have said to you. my FMIL has said things about me behind my back, and acts super nice to my face. I don't know if she does it because she doesn't like me, or because she is just a gossiper by nature, and it hurts me and I don't like it, and maybe I will never be over it, but I learned to live with it, and try to ignore it. That's really all you can do. Maybe counseling would help?
I'm glad you guys have come to an agreement over the financial things with his parents.
I don't really have much advice to offer over your feelings about the wedding; your feelings are completely understandable and it sucks that people think they are entitled to openly judge another couple's wedding and to have such little tact when it's your very own family...it works out that way often, but it's unfortunate.
Have you gotten your pictures yet? I know some brides have said that getting their pictures all developed and albums made have helped them to look past things that went wrong and their wedding day and helped them to focus on the positives. Maybe make a list yourself of all the things that were utterly wonderful about the day - the whole 'accentuate the positives' type thing.
As for feelings between you and your ILs...that's tricky territory. Have they behaved this unfortunately about other things or was it just the wedding (b/c, for some reason, weddings really can bring out the worst in people)? If it was just the wedding, hopefully time will help.
Either way, it's all just pretty sucky, for lack of a better term, and I'm sorrying you're having to deal with it :(
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I really don't mean to sound like a horrible brat but I just can't get past being angry at my in-laws. From the day we told them we were engaged his mother announced they were going to give us $1,000 to pay for the rehearsal dinner like they did their other son. I told them that i wouldn't want to spend 1000 on the rehersal. His mother then insisted that we would get 1,000 from them and we could use it anyway we wanted.
I was very skeptical this would happen. Though his dad makes over 26 dollars and hour and she gets disability, they are always broke and calling to borrow money from us. They are the kind of people who make poor money decisions. About 5 months before the wedding they borrowed 260 dollars from us, saying they would give us money every week till it was paid off. We gave them the money directly out of the wedding fund. They never paid us a cent.
This whole time they insisited they had a plan and would be giving us the money. Meanwhile we decided to have a small wedding with only 60 guests so we could have a nicer wedding, open bar, seated dinner etc. My husband knew only about 13 ppl i knew would be able to come because i am from out of state.
Our truck engine then decided to blow up so we had to take 2,400 out our 5,000 budget. We really needed the help at this point.
However because of our small guest list plan, His family accoused us of being snobs and basically ruining our wedding. His mother then called to apoligize but would still make comments. Fast forward to the wedding month, they have bought a brand new flat screen tv despite oweing us money and haven't contributed a cent. They then call to say they can't give us but 500 before the wedding and 500 after.
The week of the wedding they call to say they can only give us 500 before the wedding. Then two days before the wedding they say they can't give us anything. I was so upset because I felt like they were too selfish to save any money to fulfill their promises.
To top it all off they didn't even get us a card for the wedding or my shower. All i wanted at this point was a card saying congrats, but they couldn't even do that. The day after the wedding they called to borrow money again.
When we got back from our honeymoon we found out that his dad was leaving to go to canada to go fishing with the guys for a week. The cost of the trips you ask? $1,200.
His mom has said she was wrong about the wedding and how it was the best wedding ever but i just can't forgive her for making me have all these negative experiences and thoughts about my wedding. She also keeps asking for expensive birthday and christmas presents, and it is so hard to not say, You didn't even get us a card!!!!!
I try not to bring this up with the husband because it isn't his fault. But I just can't let it go, I want to say something to them about how they have made me feel, but i know it won't do any good. How do I say, why couldn't you keep your promise or at least try? Why is a trip to canada more important than keeping your word? Why did you have to critize our wedding choices and accuse my husband of changing because he wouldn't give you money? Why couldn't you have at least made us a homemade card with a nice note saying how much you loved us?