I Just Cried For Two Hours, The Woes Of Buying a Home

posted 3 years ago in Home
Post # 3
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think having a structured list of responsibilites that you guys come up with together (instead of you making a list of things for him to do, which is more mom-like) would really help things. Then, he is informed of what he needs to do without you being a “mom” about it.

Hopefully the paperwork delays don’t push you past a rate lock deadline! Fingers crossed that it all turns out ok!

Have you guys discussed therapy together? It sounds like you’re at a breaking point, and that isn’t going to make it easy to carry on your relationship dynamics in a healthy way going forward, especially during such a stressful time.

Post # 5
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@Meant2Bee:  I strongly suggest you take a deep breadth.  Having purchased two properties, I can tell you THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!  We, too, did not close when we were supposed to (this happened both times), and we, too, had to deal with a bunch of clueless idiotic people who had no idea what they were doing.  I literally called the bank every day.  I am a lawyer, so everytime they mess something up I just called them out on it and cited to statutes that stated that what they were doing was wrong.  Even with all that, we did not close on the agreed upon date, but I did get $850 off my closing costs and we did close on Dec. 31 which was before the end of the year (less money up front for escrow purposes).  In the end things work out, but buying a house is pretty stressful.  Take a deep breadth and calm down.  It will be all right, and you will get your house. 

Post # 7
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@Meant2Bee:  I was no trying to in any way take away from how you feel.  I just wanted to apease you and let you know 1) you are not alone; and 2) you will end up getting your house.  the issues with your SO are different…. He just needs to take responsibility

Post # 9
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Meant2Bee:  I’m sorry you are going thru this. 🙁


My husband, then FI, and I had a really hard time we bought our house as well. Some pretty nasty fights and not very nice things said to eachother. We also got delayed on our closing because the person who owned the house was overseas and was really hard to get a hold of. I also took on the role of getting all paperwork together, ughh.  I know its beyond frustrating now, but once you have the keys in your hand it will all be worth it!


Post # 10
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Take the mental health day. I did the same, and it was just what I needed. We were so close to closing, and suddenly our attorney told us the sellers were so delinquent that we were going to have to back out of the deal. We were going to lose the house altogether – and on the same day I learned I had an autoimmune disease. Yeah, I needed that breather. 

You sound so much just like me. My husband does almost nothing around the house (although I have to give him credit, he is doing somewhat better as of late, like always being the one to take out the trash), and it was the same exact way when we were buying our house (we just closed at the end of March, and he didn’t speak to our mortgage broker, real estate agent or attorney ONCE between signing the bid contract on Dec. 27 and sitting down at the closing table on March 28). He works at a university in their athletics department, and during the school year he works insane hours, so I get it. But on a regular 9-5 day, he comes home from work and sits on the couch. That’s it. If he has to cook dinner, he does it with a grumble. Meanwhile, I get home after work, I work out, I make dinner if he hasn’t, I clean up the kitchen/load the dishwasher, I do freelance work, and the list goes on and on. And it’s the same story on his free weekends – all he does is sit in front of the TV. But I’m always on the go; I never stop moving/doing something. And then there’s the little things that are seemingly inconsequential but then add up over time, like never carrying his keys, so I always have to be the one to drive places and lock/unlock the door; and at night he’ll decide it’s time to go to bed and switch off the TV and go immediately upstairs, leaving me to feed the cats and supervise them for a good 5-10 mins so our little one doesn’t eat all of the bigger one’s food. 

And the home-buying process. Ahhh… I did 100% of the legwork. He recognizes it now, and he says he appreciates it, but I KNOW he has no clue just how hard I worked. We also had the most ridiculous experience of all time, so my stress level was through the roof.

Exactly like you said, it’s as if I’m his mom, and he expects me to do everything for him. Sometimes I want to take the backhanded approach of not doing any of the things i do on a daily basis, and see how he enjoys the consequences. But, I love this man with all of my heart (he has so many wonderful redeeming qualities, despite being so lazy!), and I recognize that I need to try not to hold a grudge and be so passive-aggressive about it. There is a learning experience in here for ME too! Not just him.  🙂

So anyway, all of that just to say, I can relate! And I’m here to vent to if you ever need it, because I really, truly get it. 

I love that you’ve been straight up with him and asked him to discuss his behavior (or lack thereof) with his therapist, and I also love that he’s obliged. I think that’s awesome. I really don’t have any new advice to give you, but like PP mentioned, maybe seeing the therapist together could be a good thing for you. If my DH regresses on the laziness front instead of continuing to improve, I’m absolutely going to suggest the same thing to him. There’s no shame in it! Especially now, we are TTC, so if we have a baby any time soon, he’s REALLY going to need to step it up! 

I think there’s a reason you agreed to marry your FI, and there’s a reason you guys picked this house. Keep working at it, and it’ll all be worth it in the end! Good luck! xo


Post # 11
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Yeah, take that mental health day… go do something nice for yourself. Something fun? Bike ride, go to a museum, get a massage, chase down an ice cream truck, go to the beach for the day. Check Groupon or LivingSocial – sometimes they have super-last minute deals on things. 😉

Other than that, I would really encourage your man to keep seeing his therapist on a regular basis. Ask him to do at least 6 months of honest to goodness therapy sessions – for you, for himself, for your relationship.

Good luck, I am sure everything will get better.

Post # 13
10453 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Meant2Bee:  It is stressful!  I’m gotten very frustrated with DH working out of town, which wasn’t even his fault.

Hopefully things will work out in the end.  In the meantime, when you’re stressed go ahead and express your emotions just try to avoid laying blame in the process.  I *try* to do that myself.  It usually leads to a better outcome when I succeed with it!

Post # 14
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You still have the option to make a conscious choice to NOT let this bother you. He is not going to change overnight (if ever) just because you go to therapy.

Many single people buy homes and they get through it on their own. You will too.

Post # 15
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We are also in the process of buying a home and I think I would prefer a root canal on every tooth instead of having to go through this again. And due to my husbands past negligence in bill paying, I am buying the home alone since I have good credit. So in my case, I HAVE to do absolutely everything myself. It is very stressful, and I sometimes envy my husbands lack of responsibilities in this process, but I just remind myself that soon enough this will be over and we will be homeowners. So just think of the light at the end of this ridicuously long tunnel 🙂

Post # 16
673 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Meant2Bee:  I have been going through the same thing. The stress of trying to deal with the bank and getting almost no help from my husband is overwhelming. I have had breakdowns where I am bawling, and others where Iwant nothing more than to go strangly my loan processor. Seriously.

You aren’t alone.

Also with the IRS thing you can call them and have them fax it right then and there. That’s what I had to do. We seem to have similar banks, where nothing gets passed to you until after hours of probing and talking to a million people and finally getting that one that bothers to actually read the notes in the system. 

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