I just don't know anymore

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@nearly-mrs-R:  How long have you two been together? How often have you felt this? Are you looking for continuous excitement in a relationship? 

Is it possible you may not be ready for marriage? It’s ok if you aren’t. But it is best to resolve this feeling now before making the committment.

In the 10 years we have been together, I have never felt that way toward my DH (though we have struggled in the past). Our excitement and relationship has ebbed and flowed for sure, but I still generally get excited when I see him and I love being around him. Do I sometimes want to smack him upside the head? Heck yes. But my love and committment to him has not faultered.

ETA: Just read some of your post history and just five days ago you seemed to be quite excited. Your history of wedding related posts seem positive/excited as well. Has something significant happend that has changed things? Are you possible drained emotionally from the holidays and the wedding planning process?

Post # 5
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Alone time is really important to me too. It sounds like you guys need some time apart, give yourself time to yourself but also time to miss him.

As for the housework, yes, he needs to step it up, but you know what, you need to step it down a bit too. If alone time is important to you, why spend it all cleaning? Perhaps take a small leaf out of his book and do something for yourself while you let the dishes sit just a littler longer. 

Perhaps try and do your chores together too? Some of the most fun can be had while you chat and load the dishwasher/fold laundry/wash windows. 

Post # 6
Member
24 posts
Newbee

In a previous relationship i wrnt through the same thing.  We had got engaged and as i was planning the wedding I realized my feelings for him were slowly fading.  I think planning the wedding made me think about forever and i did not see a forever with him.  I couldnt picture him helping me parent future children when he couldnt wven take care of himself.  One night we were out with friends and i looked at him and realized i wouldnt care if he was with someone else, i knew then i had to end it and i did.  Not saying that you should end your relationship but i would postpone the wedding or take a month off from planning and think if this is really how you want your forever to be.  I have never regretted my decision and my now boyfriend is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. 🙂

 

Post # 7
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Thre’s nothing wrong with a spot of monotony because life can’t always be lived in the fast lane. However, if you are already having second thoughts about spending the rest of your life with your FI then you need to act upon them. 

For starters, get a rota for cleaning organised. There’s no reason at all for your FI to sit back playing games while you do all the domesticity. If he’s hopeless at working out what jobs need to be done then make it clear by drawing up a rota. Also, don’t spend all your days off cleaning either. Make plans to do stuff outside the house. 

You need to have a serious conversation with him too. If necessary postpone the wedding because if you have unresolved problems, they rarely improve after marriage!

Post # 8
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@nearly-mrs-R:  I can definitely understand this feeling. But try to figure out if this feeling stems from your nature or the actual situation. I’ll explain what I mean: I am a very “Is the grass greener?” person about *everything.* I get curious about what other lifepaths could bring. I am also capable of suddenly going cold toward a person. Like, look at them and think, “Wow, I don’t feel anything for that person right now.” 9x out of 10 it is stemming from stress, exhaustion or boredom. In light of these quirks, I have to remind myself of the Big Picture and not base decisions on emotional whims. I have to remember what the real “steady state” is. If overrall you love your FI and you have fun (key) then chalk this up to not feeling “it” right now. If you’re like me, it will pass, and rarely has anything to do with the other person. The worst thing is to give in to the whim and then stir up a bunch of crazy evidence to support it. Will cause trouble! 

However, if you often feel this way and cover up that feeling with excitement about outside things (like wedding planning), you might need to reassess. Like, okay, let FI have his lazy weeknights in. But then you find cool, free things to do on the weekend and pull him along. If he consistently refuses to go, then you have a problem. 

 

Post # 10
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Try all the suggestions:

A cleaning rota

A hobby

Alone time (make it happen!)

And what about some sexy new adventures in the bedroom?

Post # 11
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@nearly-mrs-R:  Alsooo – it’s easy to want the person you love most in the world to “save you.” You think, “my job is boring, my life is boring, I feel trapped.” Then you think, “My FI is supposed to love me. He should fix this. He should make my life not boring!” Then it spins off into, “HE’s boring!! He’s all wrong for me! If I didn’t get out my wholelifeisgoingtobeonelongstringofborjanfldajfdlaaaaah.” At least that’s what has happened to me haha. But he can’t make your life not boring. He has no control over your happiness. He is *part* of it, but exactly like you said – find ways to make your life and yourself more stimulated and he will follow suit. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think all relationships can have a lull. Especially if there’s an underlying issue thats not being worked out to both of your likings..

I can speak on the housework bit, because my FI and I were in a similar boat. He works on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays and those are my day off.. so sometimes I’d just lay around and do nothing all day.

He respectfully told me this bothers him and he doesn’t mind that I want to be lazy but it would mean a lot to him if I just spend even 30 minutes putting things in order so he doesn’t come home to a mess. I’ve started putting more effort into this and the pay off has been great, he’s less stressed when he gets home, he’s more easy going and fun, and things don’t feel so mundane because we’re not spending Saturday night cleaning our house. Also, I’m coming from a place where he’s a neat freak and I err on the side of being a complete mess.. So even a small change on my part made a huge difference in our relationship.

Post # 14
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Everdeen:  This is one thing I need to work on with DH.  I am very OCD and need everything clean ALL the time.  He likes things to be clean too, however our cleaning schedules do not always match up.

It’s hard, but I am learning to just let the dishes or laundry go a little and try and do something for me.  It’ll eventually get done.

Post # 15
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@nearly-mrs-R:  I would suggest doing what you need to do to make yourself happy independant of him. You keep looking towards his behavior to make you happy or not> playstation or no, chores or no etc. What would you do if you were single? Excercise more? Hobbies? Meet up with girlfriends? Obviously make time for your relationship but you will appreciate it more if you have other stuff going on. 

Post # 16
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@nearly-mrs-R:  alone time is very very important, especially if you’re an introvert! I am one, and I feel irritated and smothered if I can’t get any at all. The next time your fiance wants to lay around all morning on Saturday, let him – and then get dressed and go for a walk on your own. I generally carve out alone time for myself by going to the gym, the nail salon, or just a long run – otherwise I start to go a little crazy in our tiny apartment.

And as far as chores, there is no reason he shouldn’t be helping out! When my fiance and I first moved in together, household work was a big source of contention. I felt like he wasn’t doing enough, and he felt like I didn’t appreciate the things he did do. Eventually we worked out a breakdown both of us were happy with – he does the surface cleanup (countertops, scrubbing kitchen sink), dishes, laundry, and he vacuums our rugs. I clean the bathroom, fold laundry, dust, and sweep/wash our wood floors. We both work full time and I feel this is a fair breakdown. Talk to him and let him know how sad and frustrated you feel.

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