I just don't know what to do…

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I have met a guy who never wanted foreplay before sex. for me. I need a hot makeout session and some touching before im gonna be dropping any panties. and my FI is the same way.


So I have to say that him not caring for foreplay is normal… though it isnt for your relationship it sounds. I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I would talk to him about it for sure. At a calm time when neither of you are trying to get any because thats when people are defensive. After dinner one night or such I would talk to him about it.

you said you have a son… did you gain a lot of weight and not lose much? or have you stopped putting effort into getting ready for the day or such things? not saying that’s a good excuse, but could be the CAUSE of him maybe feeling unattracted or such thing.. and is afraid to tell you. so if thats the case and you can recognize it yourself it might help. I hope you guys can talk and work thru things!

Post # 5
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@anythingworks:  honesty it sounds like big problems are lurking underneath. He doesn’t sound like a very loving or caring husband, whether he is cheating or not. Aside from the difference in sex drive, were any of these other things better before? I mean, was he uncommunicative and cold before at times in your relationship? He’s not coming across as a very nice guy. He’s putting everything on you and making zero effort. I’m so sorry OP. 

Post # 6
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@anythingworks:  Sure you *might* be overthinking it when you think he’s cheating, but you also might not. Of course you can’t know for sure unless you do some digging, that’s what I would do. Here are the things that could possibly point to cheating:

-sudden disinterest in intimacy with you, when before he was into it

-hiding his phone and being secretive about texts & calls (big red flag! why would he need to do this?)

-not wearing his wedding ring, especially if that is abnormal from his behavior before

It sucks but if I were you, I would try to get ahold of his phone or look at his phone records online to see what he’s being so secretive about. He sounds shady. Don’t blame yourself.

Post # 8
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013


It sounds like he is projecting issues with lack of trust form his past relationship onto you. If he thinks you are cheating (however falesly that is), THAT could be the cause of his lack of affection?

I strongly recomend that you guys go to some marraige counseling. Not because your marriage per se is really in trouble or anything, but just because they can help you guys to communicate about your problems and whatnot. Sometimes hearing from someone else that “no – she’s right, you need to kiss her” (or whatever) is what they need. They should also be able to help you and your hubby work through his trust issues, and also you to be able to put thoughts of his potential cheating to rest. I have heard that on average people are miserable in their marraige for 3 years before they go to counseling – dont let this happen to you guys… Go for the prevention… please? 🙂

Also, I would talk to him (as a previous poster said – sometime when no one will get defensive) and tell him that it hurts you when he accuses you of cheating as you are not, and also that you feel that he is being overly secretive with his phone and you cant get the thought out of your head that he may be cheating on you. Make sure you emphasize that you belive in him and think that he is NOT cheating on you… but the secretivity with his phone is bugging you and that was the only comclusion you could come to. Do not just accuse him of cheating on you… That would probably just hurt him/make him go on the defensive.

Post # 9
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’d say 99% of the time, your initial gut feeling is correct. If you THINK he’s cheating on you and you’ve never felt that way before, it is possible. Not saying he is though. I’m just going off of what you wrote. I would ask him straight out why he’s doing those things. There has to be a reason… and the thing about him wanting to have another child right away kind of sounds like an excuse. Just ask him. He’s your husband. This is where communication is key. From past experiences, if he’s hiding his phone, there’s a reason. 

Post # 10
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@anythingworks:  may be way off but just throwing this out there, based on what a good male friend of mine told me a coupla years ago after witnessing his sons birth…

his sexual attraction for his wife totally went dead. His words “after seeing what her body did to deliver my child I just can’t stomach the idea of her vagina.doing.anything. FOR ME anymore” 

he explained that he still loved her dearly, still had a sex drive, he too was perplexed because even while she was pregnant he was finding her VERY sexually attractive….but every time he’d attempt to go full bore after deliver, he’d lose his erection because he literally had some form of PTSD episode from watching her vaginally deliver the baby.

I’m only tossin this out there as a slight possibility, because, givin the timing and details you’ve offered, it reminded me of my friend. 

They went to couples therapy for quite awhile and eventually he got back on track. They’ve since bad another baby, soooooo something worked out! They seem to have a happy marriage, from this outsiders vantage point! 

I sincerely hope, that whatever it is he’s struggling with, the two of you can get it identified and resolved! 

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