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Have you talked about anything monetary, size or type in regards to the ring. You're thinking simple, and he may be thinking more elaborate. Maybe it's a matter of not understanding what you'd rather have, which may be something he can afford now.
I would try not to rush him into anything - that can oftentimes lead to resentment and an unhappy marriage.
It will happen when the time is right for both of you. Hang in there!
I see a couple issues. 1. Make sure he knows that you're ok with a humble ring. He may be worried about getting you something really fancy because he's afraid you won't like a simpler ring. 2. Make sure you are on the same page about money. This may be a sign of deeper differences about how the two of you deal with the finances of major purchases, and that's definitely something you want to work out before marriage. 3. Make sure he isn't using the ring as an excuse because he isn't ready for an engagement yet. It's ok if he isn't, you don't want to go into an engagement if both partners aren't 100% ready, but if this is the issue then you two need to be able to talk about it openly rather than him using the ring as an excuse because he's afraid to say what he really feels.
It could be any of those things or something else entirely. It could be a relationship issue that needs to be addresses or a simple miscommunication, but you need to figure out what's making him change a plan that the two of you already decided upon.
Wow, I think other people are missing the fact that you only agreed to this if you were engaged! He played you in a way about this, and I think that was really crappy of him. If I were you, I'd make it clear that it doesn't matter what kind of ring he proposes with, but you need the commitment at least--that was the deal.
And I would seriously be considering finding somewhere else to live. Whose name is on the lease?
I think you need to stick to your guns about moving in ONLY when engaged...there are many posts on the Bee about SO's that get comfortable living together and doesnt feel it is necessary to be engaged when you are already living together. You can let him know you want a non-pricey ring...but you need something before you move in together. I think you need to put your foot down on this one. This was an agreement you BOTH made a long time ago...he needs to recognize and respect your wishes.
Is there any way he's just trying to fool you and surprise you? My FH and I had agreed about the no moving in together if not married thing and when he moved in we both knew we would get married but there had been no proposal. He's been laid off and money was tight so I was willing to bend the rule a little because of the financial circumstances. Two weeks after the move in was complete he proposed. I tried telling him the ring size wasn't important too but I think a lot of men feel like it reflects badly on them if they can't give you want they want to. There are so many pressures! I really hope your situation gets better. The LDR must be hard! I also agree with what greenleafmountain said about the fact that it's possible he's using the ring as an excuse because he's not ready for an engagement yet.
I've been thinking that this is a matter of pride for him, but I can't be sure. I asked him if he was sure he even wanted to get engaged/married and he said yes. While I'd like take that at face-value, we had a situation not too long ago where he said he wasn't ready( HE initiated ring shopping and had a crisis afterward). So I have considered that this may just be stalling on his part. It's hard to face that his tears may be crocodile tears, and he's just masking his insecurity through finances.
I've told him that I don't need anything big. I've gone so far as to show him simple rings not over $200, plenty of them not even $100. When I said that a promise ring fits the bill just fine for me, he got worked up over it and said he was going to get a ring today. I'm not sure if he was being dramatic or what, but if he can't afford it, he can't afford it and I'd prefer him not to spend rent money on a ring.
The agreement was that we would get engaged when we moved in together. Moving in together was a choice not on a deadline. He seemed to be really pleased with this arrangement before. If he didn't like it, he had plenty of time to say that he'd like to wait, in addition to not insisting that we move in together 2-3 months sooner than originally planned.
It doesn't sit well with me that now that I'm trapped in a lease and financially attached to him, that he wants to change the game. The apartment, right now, only has my name on the lease with a space for him to sign once he gets here. I guess I've gone and gotten myself into a 6-month long awkward situation.
That is not fair of him. He really doesn't have $100 bucks? Really? If he isn't ready he should have the balls to say so. That would upset me. But as far as helpful advice try not to get upset at him (to his face) and discuss it calmly but stand your ground. If he isn't ready you might be willing to bend the rules (or not) but he should be honest with you and with himself. It is not okay to back out like this.
Um. I would be so totally pissed if I were you. It sounds to me from what you've described that he might have had this planned the whole time. Obviously he wants to live together, but only on his terms (ie: without more of a commitment than he's ready to give). I'm just telling you honestly the way I'm hearing things, and it's no wonder you're upset. If he is as secure in his job and you have shown him inexpensive rings, in my book there are no excuses other than he is stalling. If he is using finances as his reasoning, then is that the only reason he wanted to move in together? For his own financial security? I'm getting worked up about this and I don't even know you guys! Forgive me if I'm getting a little passionate, but I don't like these sorts of situations. I see it as a form of manipulation and that sucks. Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him. I wish you the best!
ALSO - I agree with MsTeddy about sticking to your guns. If he's going back on what he said, you have a right to back out of the deal. Do you have the money to live in the apartment by yourself? If so, I'd seriously consider not letting him sign that lease!
okqueenbee, I'm with you on this one. I'd be mad as hell!
What I wonder is this: was he not financially secure yesterday? Last week? Last month?
When did he discover that he wouldn't be able to afford a ring, and why did he just now get around to telling you? I don't know if he necessarily has been plotting this move, but it is a bit curious that he would disclose that suddenly, and so close to the move-in date. You said that he makes good money and that your conditions for moving in together were established long ago-- giving him ample time to plan and get himself together. Add that to the fact that you don't even want an expensive ring...it does sound a little sketchy.
I'm sorry that you're in this bind, girl, and I sincerely hope you two can work this out...but it sounds like a conversation is in order.
DITTO to LaborofLove, MsTedd, Arachna, Okqueenbee, and FrustratedBird!!
Is the lease finalized? (have you paid deposits, etc.?) If not, get out of it ASAP! If so, my advice is to work on finding a roommate and let your SO know you plan on doing this (and that he is not welcome to live with you as your boyfriend, as you both already agreed upon!). I am outraged by his deception toward you!
If he wants to get you a nice ring, then he can give you an upgrader in the future, maybe even on your wedding day. You could even buy a plain band now as a proposal ring (which can double as your wedding band), and then buy your e-ring later, if he is really set on something more expensive.
I feel that he is taking advantage of you, and completely violating your trust in him. I truly hope this situation can be fixed, and soon.
If you agreed to live together only if engaged, and he's done nothing about saving for a ring, shopping around or proposing etc then don't move in.
You guys both decided if A then B and he's skipping A. I realize it's difficult to do, but if you remove emotion from this, it's really as simple as that. If you can't count on him to uphold his end of an agreement (especially one that should be something he ultimately wants!!), you're probably not quite ready for marriage IMHO. FI & I both said we didn't want to live with a significant other unless we were engaged VERY early on in our relationship, and he planned accordingly when it came to saving for a ring and proposing. I'm not saying you should treat it as an ultimatum, but I would remind him of your arrangement and tell him that he's skipping one vital step!
PS - A close friend agreed to move in with her bf only if they got engaged. She moved in, and he DID NOT propose. Now, fast forward SEVEN yrs, and he finally did, but realize what you may well be agreeing to if you move in on exclusively his terms. When she moved in at 28, she never imagined she's be a 35 yr old bride.
I would be upset with him for breaking the move-in rule, alone. I'm in a LDR right now, and I know how hard it is. You want to see him, you want to BE with him, but the distance makes it impossible. Figure out what's the most important thing to you. If you aren't ok with him breaking the move in rule (that you guys agreed upon) then tell him. Can you hold off on moving in together? But the most important thing is to sit down and talk about it. Let him know how you feel and get some insight on what he's thinking too.
I would not move in with him, since he can't be open and honest with you. If he doesn't have the money for a ring, he's known for a while. He didn't just find out. If it's not money, and he's just not ready, he's also known that for a while.
He should have told you, but instead he waited until he thought it was too late for you to back out of living together. Not cool.
don't let him move in. stand your ground. i know it's hard, but you told him how you felt about moving in together and now he's trying to change that plan. he should respect your decision, if he doesn't then stay as a LDR and don't move in together.
I agree with blackcherry, and I think that's how you should approach the conversation with him. You could start by saying, I don't think we should move in together since we aren't engaged yet. If he makes the financial argument (I would totally propose to you but i just can't afford a ring right now!), then you follow up with - fair enough, but he must have realized this a while ago and he let you keep moving forward with the living together plans, knowing you would not be ok with the situation if he was fully honest with you.
I think it's fairly likely he isn't ready to propose to you yet (emotionally/maturity wise whatever) and he's just pulling the financial card because it doesn't sound so awful (and you might take pity). Particularly in light of how he freaked out earlier after ring shopping, and also in light of how you told him you don't need a pricy ring.
If there's any way you can avoid living together now that would be my suggestion, otherwise, he basically gets what he wanted and leaves you high and dry.
*Update*
So I told my mother about this issue and I don't know if she has been talking to him or what, but she says that he is feeling pride-hurt over the ring. I got him on the phone and asked him what was going on. I didn't mention what my mother told me at all. I let him know that this action doesn't bode well for our relationship, and that if engagement wasn't on the table, neither was living together.
I started to tell him that if he wasn't sure he could stay up there and I would figure things out with the apartment, but I didn't get it out before he interrupted to say that he DOES want to marry me. He just didn't want to get a cheap ring-- his exact words were "I just wanted to get you a ring like we saw on The Knot." OK. Insert twinge of guilt here. I admit that I showed him rings on The Knot early on when we first started talking marriage and engagement. I never expected him to take those ideas as a definite of what I wanted. I found a lot more rings on The Knot that I liked things about than on sites with lower cost rings. I should have known that he would cling to that one idea because he will always pick the path of lease resistance: in this case, the one with the most "right" options.
I said that I am more concerned with the engagement itself, and that I had told him before that a lower cost ring would be enough for me. I understood if he wanted to get something more expensive later fine, but the agreement was engaged=living together and if he's not sticking to the plan neither am I. So, he has agreed to get me the lower cost ring, so long as he can replace it later. He said that he felt better now that he didn't feel like he was coming on "false pretenses".
After I got off of the phone my mother asks "So, did you get it all figured out? Yes? Good." Hmm... I feel like she knew something I didn't. Anyhow, I want to be all "yay, everything is perfect," but these sudden halts make me nervous. Because of this, I have a plan that will allow me to put him on the next plane out if we aren't engaged in a certain amount of time and hopefully still be able afford the place. I'm willing to give him the chance. I don't want to doubt him so heavily, but since we had the first issue it's hard for me not to want to protect myself. Wish me luck bees. Here goes something.
Great job sticking to your guns. I like your comment:
"Because of this, I have a plan that will allow me to put him on the next plane out if we aren't engaged in a certain amount of time and hopefully still be able afford the place."
I'm not the most trusting soul in the first place, so I would have totally blown a fuse on this. I'm glad you both came to an agreement, and I hope he sticks to it this time. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders!
I agree with okqueenbee. Great job sticking to what works for YOU, that is always most important. People are often afraid to stick up for themselves in that way (I know this doesn't apply to you but I'm thinking in general), but usually people around you will respect you even more once you do.
that's exciting that you guys came to an agreement! and good for you to sticking to your guns!
hopefully he'll feel okay with getting the lower cost ring, and now that he realizes that you care more about being with him than what he's giving you it'll happen sooner!
Thanks ladies. I'm feeling better about the whole thing now, but am giving myself permission to be a tad wary for my own emotional well-being. I love him very much and I do know that he loves me too. I understand that a lot of emotion is tied up in this decision to be married. I will be patient, but I will not be strung along.
Sidenote: I don't know how I managed to put "path of lease resistance" instead of least resistance... I guess I know what was on my mind!
Oh violetveil!! I would be very angry and hurt. This clearly is an excuse. Once you move in,he's got ya! I know.......it happened to me. It's been 2.5yrs. and I'm still waiting for the ring and proposal!!! Red flag girl! I would have a serious talk with him and REALLY get to the root of the situation. Money is an excuse,especially if you said he's got a good job. He can buy a ring and make pymts. Think it throught before you move in!! Good luck in your decision!
@sunshine you should read her updates! :)
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I'm so frustrated right now. Bf just told me he doesn't have the money to get a ring so engagement will have to wait.
Ok, I can get over this, but part of me is really still struggling. We're in a LDR and bf wanted to move in together before we got married. I didn't want to live together without being married. So, we compromised and decided that once we move in together, we'd get engaged.
Well, we're moving in together on FRIDAY and he told me last night that he can't afford a ring. What kind of ring does he think I need? My parents' rings cost $120 TOGETHER. I don't want to live beyond our means, I'd actually feel better about having a lower cost ring (I'm a forgetful klutz).
We decided about the "move-in rule" a long time ago. He makes good money at what he does. I would've thought that he would have saved enough for a simple ring and set that aside. I know it wasn't a huge timeframe, but he was the one so gun-ho about moving in together. I thought he had it handled.
The worst thing is, this means almost another year until a proposal. He can only stay 6 months because he's Canadian. After that, he'll have to wait until 2011 to come back into the country. I would leave to see him, but my courses won't allow it (I even have to take classes over breaks). So the earliest would probably be February of next year. Parts of this just seem awfully convenient sometimes, but I'm trying not to be "that way". :: sigh ::