I just don't want to do this anymore [rant][long]

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@RECrerar:  Why do you have to pick any of that stuff you don’t want to?  The way I see it, a wedding is a party and you can throw your party however you like.  Don’t want to choose napkin colors?  Just get the cheap, plain white ones.  Don’t want to find a make-up artist?  Do your own make-up.  I was not really into having a wedding, heck, I never even thought I was going to get married, so there were a lot of “traditional” things that I just didn’t feel like dealing with.  I let my girls choose their own dresses/shoes/hair, did almost everything DIY (I’m cheap lol), and if it was something that wasn’t important to me I just didn’t bother with it.  Wedding planning is as stressful as you choose for it to be; but if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Post # 4
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Either let your mom plan it and step back completely, orgo do the remaining stuff by yourself, you don’t have to tell her you’re going to look at flowers, just go.

Post # 6
3584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Trying to avoid the stress that you’re experiencing now is why people elope.  

Post # 7
45 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

It sounds like your mum is having a wedding, not you.

1. Step back from mum for a while. She needs to calm her roll. (ETA: Sorry, I was typing when you posted your update. Sounds like ignoring her for a bit in normal life won’t quite work with how on top of you she is all the time. Is there maybe a way to go away for a weekend without [or “without”- oh, darn, no reception] email and phone? Does your therapist have any suggestions on how to manage her intrusions?)

2. Sit down with your FI, decide what the two of you want for your wedding, and go from there. You’re only two months out, but you’re also still two months out – you have time to cut stuff, maybe sell things some things and get what you’d prefer, replan other stuff, etc. If mum is contributing money, that might come with strings meaning that you have to keep some stuff how she wants it, but otherwise you two should plan the day that you want.


Post # 8
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you need to stop trying to be nice to your mom.  In doing so, you are not being honest with her.  This is actually damaging your relationship.

My mom pulls similar crap on a smaller scale with me.  She makes inane, unsolicited suggestions, and when I tell her to back off she gets offended and claims she “was just trying to help.”  Luckily, I always had a pretty strong independent streak and started ignoring her “advice” from a relatively young age.  (The problem is that a majority of her advice is about trivial issues so it is incredibly condescending.  A good example is the time she interrupted and tried to help me cover some food with Saran Wrap when I was in my early 30s.)

I am similar to you in that I am not a girly girl.  In fact, I didn’t really want a wedding, but my husband did.  Given that we were having one, we had fairly specific ideas about what we wanted, and I knew my mom wouldn’t “get” our “vision” because it differed from what she is used to in her social circle.  So, I deliberately excluded her from a majority of the planning because I knew she would drive me crazy.  I just informed her as I decided how things were going down.

My mom thinks I am too confrontational, but she tries to get what she wants by “suggesting” things with zero regard or consideration of my preferences.  So, I push back a lot.  It stresses me out because I feel like I am being mean, but it’s so much better than being a pushover.

If I was in your position, I would have lost it way earlier in the process and told her to back off. But it’s not too late to do that, and it will probably be good for your marriage.  Your husband should not be expected to capitulate to his MIL, and I bet that is what will happen if you stick to your current pattern.

Post # 9
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@RECrerar:  Wow, so far I’ve been running into similar stuff with my mom. She always does that thing you were saying- if you approach her she just gets all offended and reacts emotionally and guilts me! Sorry you’re going through this but you’re not alone!If there is any way to just leave her out of it, try that. Maybe also write down what you want and when your mom goes into a tangent pull out your list and be like “nope, x, y, z right here on my list.” And maybe get a hotel when you stay with your family? You deserve time to yourself to take care of yourself the week before your wedding, so if you can afford it, maybe stay somewhere else for a few of those nights. 

I realize FI doesn’t really know what’s up… maybe delegate something to him. He could even go with your mother. It might affect both of their behavior. Frame it as him giving you a break since you’ve been doing everything. ANd then YOU need to spend that time taking care of yourself or hanging out with your friends. 

Keep us posted! You’re almost there, as far away as it feels!

Post # 11
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@RECrerar:  Your post is pretty much an exact transcript of my wedding planning experience.  I pretty much just stopped telling my mom wedding stuff because she always had something to say, and it was never nice.  It totally sucked because I thought wedding planning would be a bonding experience for us and I’ve never felt so alone in my life.  I don’t really have much constructive to say except just hang in there. Now that I’m finally on the other side of it, I feel hugely relieved, and everything turned out lovely even though I didn’t give a damn about plates and napkins and tablecloths. 

Post # 13
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@RECrerar:  I would have a sitdown with myself and make sure it’s the wedding I was blah about and not the marriage.  Picture yourself eloping or going to the courthouse just you and your FI; hopefully that is a less stressful image that makes you happy and/or exciting about your marriage.  It sounds like the real issue is that you are planning the wedding other people expect you to have and not the wedding you really want.  If so, can you change things to be more reflective of your personality?  Finally, if planning is such a pain, it’s never too late to cancel everything and elope.  If deposits are an issue, elope before the date, and then still throw the reception but take the stress off by making it a big party instead of a wedding.  Then you should have more leeway with colors, themes, and designs.

Post # 14
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

The wedding is just the beginning if you don’t really put your foot down.  Are you going to let her tell you how to raise your children?  If she sais your child deserves a whipping with a belt are you going to also comply?

Your father made his own bed.  It is not up to you to keep peace.  Now, this has been your role but you have your own spouse to worry about now.

Wear the dress you want, leave the flower girl be, don’t tweak the vendors every move.

Your mom is invited to the wedding.  It is not her wedding.

Post # 15
2615 posts
Sugar bee

I am like you. Could care less about the wedding and I will not go through the stress. That’s why I will be having about 7 people there and a very intimate ceremony with dinner afterward. I will not be pressured into having a certain wedding. It is my day and this gives me the right to choose. Also, I will save tons of money which we can invest in our honeymoon and other things.

The only way I will somewhat yield to outside pressure is if someone else was footing the bill, then they can do the planning as well.

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