Post # 1
I’ve got a bit of a funny/ interesting anecdote to share. My effort to keep it quiet about the marriage thing sort of backfired on me. It works just fine when it doesn’t bother me, and I don’t think about it. However, when I do start to worry, it’s hard to hide that I’m feeling down. I wouldn’t have said a word about it, until he told me we could talk about getting married if I wanted to. Eep!
Long story short, because of his past, this has been a difficult subject for him. However, he’s decided that the best way to handle it is….to have regular conversations about it. About the big things- what it will mean to us, what we need to do to improve our relationship and work towards it as a goal, and the details- what our wedding invitations should look like, the venue, who we would invite…yes, wedding invitations. He feels that talking about it and letting our dream take form in a positive way will help him let go of the negatvity he associates with marriage. We can take out the big, scary unknowns, and shape our future into something wonderful.
I realize that every situation is very different, and depending on what stage in the relationship you are, talking about it frequently and dropping hints might not be appropriate. What works in our relationhip won’t work for everyone else. However, I now see that I was shooting myself in the foot by choosing to keep everything vaguely associated with weddings and marriage to myself. Do I think that I might be engaged soon, meaning in the next few months? Probably not, and that’s alright. It will give me a chance to save up more money. That said, I am not going to see this as a free pass to talk about it incessantly. So, yeah. Can:opened. Worms: everywhere. Guess I better start doing some reseach on weddings!
Post # 3
@Berkana: personally I think this is great! Granted, I may be biased since my mister is very open about talking about marriage and our future without feeling some kind of pressure. I think being able to talk about it has made me feel less antsy (other than waiting for the proposal to actually happen) because I know where he’s at and what he’s thinking. Plus, I can discuss how I’m feeling, which helps to alleviate any tension. Neither one of us can read minds so unless we actually say something, the other won’t know what’s going on and we can’t fix the issue. So enjoy the freedom in discussing this very important topic!
Post # 4
I think you have a really healthy take on this. Both of you guys do. But I’m biased cause my guy and I slowly adopted a similar policy. You’re right. It wouldn’t work with every couple. But a while back I straight up told my guy, “Why should the rest of our life be a total secret? We’re adults and things like this need to be talked about. I’m not saying we need to talk about it on a daily basis, or even a monthly basis. But it’s not something we should pretend doesn’t exist cause it’s “scary.” If neither of us can talk about this then neither of us are truly mature enough to actually get married.” Or something like that. 😉 Luckily he agreed whole-heartedly.
1st big conversation: Do you want to get married, maybe not to me, but just married in general.
2nd: Do you see us getting married? Let me know next year.
3rd: Do you see us getting married? When?
4th: Can you send me ring pics?
This is all spread over the course of a year and a half. Sometimes we go months without talking about our future. Sometimes we have a couple conversations within a week. But it’s all very natural, not forced, happens when it needs to happen. But I think you have really great points. +1 😀
Post # 5
yay! That sounds promising!
Post # 6
@Berkana: I think this is a great way to go about the process as well. Sure, some people would love to get a proposal as a complete surprise. But I don’t see how it could ever hurt to talk about how you see your future and what you need to work out before you get there. It’s important to discuss all these things before getting married, so that there aren’t surprises and you both feel calm and confident about it. I also personally think that talking about our wedding and future helps when it comes to waiting, since I know it’s coming and he hasn’t forgotten about it. Like you mentioned, it’s still not good to talk about constantly, no need to try to freak out our guys!
So, I’m happy that you’ve figured out the best path for you both! Have fun discussing =)
Post # 7
@claireos: you are so great at advice 🙂
We had sort of developed this policy in the summertime, somewhat similar. We were together when we were younger and again in our 30’s now…and back then i think we both wanted it but it was never brought up, too early in our lives, not the right time, yada yada. SO this time around I mentioned maybe we should talk about it more so it’s not so uncomfortable. He agreed! ….at that time, so I thought we were together in it but it feels like to me if I did bring it up on my own that he seemed defensive like upset i asked him anything. last time it was mentioned he was jumping around the room like trying to get away from the talk (it seemed to me) and then he blurted out that he was upset because he didn’t do it a long time ago. I think he’s feeling like i’m upset he hasn’t done it yet. (i’m not) i just want to know….he wants what i want. and is serious about us. and not scared. We are adults and there is kids involved. ive known him almost half of my life! I don’t think i’m being needy or uncalled for. i have asked him if he sees us getting married and he did say yes but i can’t say he didn’t have a screetch in his voice. He has also told me…it will happen soon enough!!!! in not the nicest way…so pretty much telling me to shut up and to not talk about it and go find something else to play with. so yeah that was my timeline ladies. soon enough. ugh umm. that can mean a lot. i am not sure if i should be excited about that or not. (all the while i was keeping my calm about it and not even asking when it just seemed like that was all he thought i was thinking about??? I have only mentioned marriage like 2 or three times over the last year on my own btw). I feel like he can’t sit down and talk to me about it because he starts to feel like a jerk, eventhough he says he can and agreed to us being open about it. but it never is sweet. I have never been mean about it to make him feel like a jerk i don’t know why he feels that way. If he brings it up on his own he seems fine and similing. but he hasn’t brought it up in awhile. So i’m a nervous wreck now. I do also think that maybe it really is getting closer and he is done talking about it, and about to do it, not sure. Or he doesn’t want to marry me and he is hoping to push everything out as long as he can till something else happens….because he did that with his ex, and i was the something else that happened. i feel like hiding in a shoebox if anyone wants to join me.
he says i am the love of his life so i have to believe that. and that is how i’m getting through this.
Anyway i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to take over your thread! just getting some angst out I guess! I am happy for you two that he WANTS to talk about it! that is really cute and i’m sure will be a lot more fun for you since he seems on board.
Post # 8
@berkana – I would take this time to re-goup and plan, so that when HE brings it up again you have some ideas (not overwhelming but as a guide). Personally my SO and I think that regular COMMUNICATION(and not nagging – the trap I usually fall into) is vitally important. Between us, we’ve equally agreed on the ring setting, budget and size, the venue, and are currently working on the menu’s (althoiugh this changes every day because we’re massive foodies!).
I personally feel that by talking, in an open way is planning together for what we want together, and taking the pressure off of us later.
As you said, each to their own and I fully support anyones view if it works for them but what I think you are doing is a very positive and progressive thing, with engagement and your relationship to build it stronger. x