Weddingbee boards

and thought to myself.. *the bees will tell listen and give me their honest opinion*... so here goes...

The wedding is in approx 1 month.  I just had my bridal shower - a great effort by my BMs *hugs* which ended up to be a great event... but not without Drama that would warrant a post of it's own. 

I and others were curious when FI's bachelor party was going to be.  2 of the 3 groomsmen are from OOT.  The best man in Cali.  So i sent the Best Man an email to ask if there were any planned "pre marriage guys only activities".  Letting him know that I'm ok with any of their plans as long as they have fun and I'd like to be aware of the schedule so I don't book any wedding planning related activities that requires FI during that time. 

The Best Man responded saying that FI said he didn't want to have a b-party... but he will check again and if I could block off the DAY BEFORE the wedding it would be great.  Ummm.. did he just say the day before???  I wrote back and dropped some hints that it  since it's a morning wedding and might be better any other day - then they won't feel any constraints and can party harty. 

Some days later I asked FI if they decided on the date.  He said it "might be the day of the wedding or after".  Huh?  excuse me?  The day of the wedding meaning after rehearsal dinner that you plan to start your b party into the wee hours of the morning and then have our wedding???  and um... I thought he was joking about the after wedding part.  But an online chat with the Best Man just confirmed it... I started the conversation asking if he would be in town 2 days before the wedding for final fitting of his tux rental.  He said he would be in the day before, early in the morning and "time is tight, still deciding if we can do a quickie [b-party] before or after the wedding and hope that you're (me) too intoxicated to notice". 

Was that supposed to be a joke?  I was not laughing.  I feel that FI should have fun with his friends. but seriously are these dates the only options?  Further, FI and I were talking on the phone and noticed that I was not my usual self and asked what was wrong.  I was hestitant in telling him since it's really a guy thing (and I wasn't prepared to talk to him)... but ended up telling him since he kept asking what was wrong.  Long story short.  The converstation ended with him raising his voice and said it's not important to him to have a b-party and that he's his decision whether or not to have one.  Umm... hello, did you just miss the issue? 

Ok typing this out felt better... thank you for listening.

We're in NYC and 1 groomsman is in NYC, 1 in Seatle and the Best man is in Cali. 

Thanks for the encouragement KTdid and SoCalBeachGirl... i'm trying to stay kool about it and I do want the FI to enjoy some good times with his friends before the wedding... just not the day before!  I also think that it's pretty lame to have a b-party after the wedding, the more i think about it the more dirty it feels, eeeew!   We are in the NY, so there's not too many options available that do not involve drinking, etc. 

I would say he definitely has "a right" to a party with the guys after the wedding - this idea of bachelor/ette parties as being the end of your days of partying with your buddies is ludicrous.

That being said, it is also ludicrous to have a party involving lots of booze the night before the wedding. No one wants to be tired/hung over on the wedding day. If you felt comfortable with it, he can go off with his buddies DURING THE DAY before the wedding (depending on the schedule of your rehersal dinner), but he needs to be sober and in bed at a reasonable hour.

And if it's possible to get the guys together again after the honeymoon, propose that the bachelor party happen then. Or, heaven forbid, the best man doesn't get to be involved! You CAN have a party without the entire wedding party there - it's nice to have everyone, but with people living all over the place sometimes it just isn't feasible.

Thanks for the encouraging words girls and putting a smile back in my world.  I'm so glad that i can count on the Bees for support at needed times =)

I have been plan it so that most of Friday should be free just for measures of adding in "oh shit" cushion time to fix last minute things.  However, it is a workday for FI's friends that are not in the bridal party.  We also have rehearsal dinner so unless all of his friends take a day off to do the guy thing in the morning (which is highly unlikely), it means it's going to be after the rehearsal dinner. 

Ange - I dont believe that the the guys should stop partying after marriage.  I dont think the other posters meant it that way either.  But the essence of a bachelor party is just that,  a "pre-marriage" thing.  After you are married, you are not a bachelor anymore.  At these things, it's common to go to guys and girls shows and do that stuff.... one eye one one eye closed... We're leaving for our honeymoon Monday. So any plans for a party after the wedding would be for Sunday, literally a day after.  dirty.

wanna hear something else that is funny?  the best man is having an extended stay in NYC (~a week).  why can't he come a day earlier and leave a day earlier??? this blows my mind.

smt - I made the suggestion of doing it after the wedding/honeymoon simply because if the guys really want to get together and party, it sounds like that might be more feasible for them than trying to squeeze it into the day before the wedding. Perhaps I was misinterpretting others' comments, but some of the guy-bashing and saying one doesn't have the right to a bachelor party were coming off as pretty judgemental. It doesn't have to be called a bachelor party, but essentially any night out with the guys is going to be roughly the same thing.

Of course, I'm also of the mind set that, no matter your gender, you don't have to succumb to your baser instincts for your party. One doesn't have to go to a strip club or get completely trashed in order to have "one last night" of fun with one's friends.

Ange - I appreciate your thoughts in trying to provide some suggestions on how this can work out.  I guess we have a difference in opinion on getting the guys together vs guys hanging out.  IMO, I feel that a b-party celebrates a man's days pre-marriage and often might include woo hoo activities that would not be done when the guys just hang out.   

You see FI's not the really the type that is into woo hoos  -he and friends would go to a bar to see a game and such.  But i can see that for this occasion (his woo hoo before tying the knot), he might actually do it and hit some strip clubs...  what they do is ultimately their choice and i'd rather keep it that way.   But i'm expecting that they drink crazy and woo hooo... among our circle of friends, it's pretty much the norm that those things would occur at a b party. 

I'm also perplexed that since we had a long engagement, there really isn't much reason why it couldn't have been planned for before the wedding.  

All - thanks again for your words and insights. It's always good to hear different perspectives. 

Rebecca- I suppose that's one thing I've never understood - if it would be disrespectful after you're married, why isn't it disrespectful now? You're clearly not a casual girlfriend at this point, he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. I understand if maybe that's too personal a question - a lot of people don't want to talk about the personal boundaries in their relationships and that's totally fine. But to me, the relationship doesn't magically change after saying "I Do" - yes the legal status changes, and other people's perceptions of you may change, but you're still the same people you were before the ceremony stared, except now you share the titles of husband and wife rather than fiance or boyfriend/girlfriend.