Post # 1
I haven’t posted in forever, but I feel really sad right now and need some encouragment. It is so stupid, but I am mad because my husband is going to a bachelor party today-and they will also go to a strip club.
Now, we once had a big fight over a similar situation, he knew exactly that I don’t like that kind of stuff, but at the end I let him go (after bis friends messaged me and all that). At his own party he didn’t have strippers, because he knows that I hate it and he doesn’t want it either-but despite that I got messages all night again from his brother and friends asking if they can go. So I told him before the wedding that I do not want him to go strip clubs and he agreed, he said he doesn’t need it or wants it.
Anyway, this bachelor party comes and the same stuff starts again. It is so tiering (<- not sure if you spell that like this lol). I am sick of explaining why I don’t want him to go, it just makes me uncomfortable. It is not even about nudity-we visited nude beaches together, but about those kind of women who are there.
However, the point is that I feel betrayed because he promised before the wedding to not go to strip clubs once we are married. Now, he tells me how he rarely goes and only on occasions like that.I feel like he deceived me in thinking he would not go. You don’t have to be rocket scientist to know that his friends will have bachelor parties coming up and that they would invite him, too.
I feel really hurt that he choses his friends over that promise. I know some people will be like “oh strip clubs are no big deal”, but that is not the point. I just feel disappointed.
Post # 3
Ya this sucks… obviously he is giving into public / peer pressure and putting his “buddies” first before you and the promise he made you.
So ya I’d be p!ssed too.
I don’t have any really advice to give you here… this is something you two have to work out between you… talk / see a marriage counsellor … whatever.
I am fortunate in that Mr TTR and I are on the same page on this issue. He thinks that Strippers, but more importantly that whole environment is crass / gross… so he doesn’t have any interest in participating. Count me lucky.
Personally, I couldn’t be with a guy who frequents strip joints… so that would have been a dealbreaker for me in the dating phase.
Hope this helps (some),
Post # 4
I think you are totally justified in your disgust and disappointment. What is it with men and stripclubs?? I am sorry but stripclubs ARE a big deal. Why would I want my man to go and get turned on by other women? The bottom line is that he made a promise to you that he is now breaking, and you shouldn’t stand for it.
Post # 5
I understand that it’s a difficult situation for some couples to negotiate. I don’t have much wisdom to offer, other than to say that you need to be really clear what you don’t like or what makes you uncomfortable about it, and decide if that’s reasonable. At the same time, he needs to do the same, ie. decide why he feels he needs to go, and is that a reasonable decision? He needs to understand your perspective, and you need to understand his. It may be very emasculating for a man to be told he “can’t” go to a friend’s bachelor party because his wife won’t “let him”.
I believe that in healthy relationships, compromises need to be made and not everyone is happy with those compromises all the time. By what you describe, he respects your feelings (for example didn’t have strippers at his own BP) but he can’t always control where other parties happen and I think it would be difficult to say, “Sorry guys, I’m not allowed to go to a strip club, even once in a while in an extenuating circumstance, so I have to go home now.”
Hopefully some honest, healthy conversation can help you both find a solution that you can both accept as reasonable.
Post # 6
@Veranyc: Okay I get where you are coming from however, you do realize as you put it ‘about those kind of women who are there” do have familes, friends, bf/so/dh’s also. They are women just like you and I who happen to work in a profession taking their clothes off.
As for your DH promising not to go, more than likely he is getting shit from his guy friends for not going or saying “hey man I can’t go because you know the wife, doesn’t like that kind of thing”. Is it right that he bowed down to peer pressure no not really. He should put you ahead yes and you should really sit down together and talk about this.
Post # 7
@FutureMrsJohnston: Not all men go to strip clubs for the purpose of getting turned on. For many, it’s a male bonding experience and the sexual element is quite minimal. I think there’s a difference between men that go to strip clubs “for no good reason” aka as a casual occurance, vs. men who go once in a blue moon as part of a group for a specific pre-planned event like a bachelor party or significant birthday. I’m not arguing any stance on strip clubs, I’m just saying there are many motivations for someone to want to go to one with friends.
Post # 8
@cdncinnamongirl: If a woman is taking her clothes off and shaking her tits and ass in my man’s face, sorry but I dont care what his reasons for going are. Maybe HE didnt go for the purpose of that, but he would be going along with the idea of it for someone else and he gets to reap the “benefits” of it. There a lot of other ways men can bond without naked women getting involved. And if going to a stripclub is the only way to bond, then maybe he should think about getting some new friends.
Post # 9
Because he made you a promise not to go, he absolutely shouldn’t go. He should not have made that promise if he intended to break it.
I do agree with @cdncinnamongirl: that most of the time on a bachelor party it is not about the sexual part. The guys are going to hang out with their boys. Often it’s more a bar scene with them where girls just happen to be dancing. I’m sure your husband wouldn’t be looking at it as a place to get turned on. He is probably being pressured by his buddies and says “no, my wife won’t let me,” which actually makes you look like a controlling bitch (which I know you are not, but guys automatically assume this).
If you hadn’t had an express promise where he said he wouldn’t go, I’d say you should lay off and let him have the experience with his buddies. Clearly he isn’t into the whole strip club thing personally since you said he didn’t have one at his bachelor party, so he’s probably going along with it for his friends. BUT because he did make this promise, I think he should pass. Maybe while his buddies go to the strip club, he can just chill at the hotel, go to another bar, gamble (if it’s a place like Vegas), etc. I know that at some Bachelor parties my SO has mentioned some of the guys did this because they weren’t interested in going to the Strip Club for moral reasons, significant other, etc..
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2014 - Savannah, GA
@FutureMrsJohnston: +1. I agree 100%!
Post # 11
@FutureMrsJohnston: Ok, we know that’s how you feel and see the situation, fair enough. All I’m saying is that not everyone sees it that way, and that in couples both people need to have a say in making compromises.
Post # 12
@FutureMrsJohnston: Just for the other side of the story… Have you been to a strip club? It’s really a lot less vulgar than that. Often on stage, they don’t even take their bras off. Usually you have to pay extra to see that. Also, the men aren’t allowed to touch. They are literally just putting on a show and wearing about the same amount of clothes as a cirque de soleil performer.
I can’t say I respect the job or anything, but honestly, strip clubs are no worse than dance clubs around here (LA) with go-go dancers. Unless you are in a really seedy part of town, every one I’ve been to is not that bad.
That being said, I still believe if her husband promised not to go that he should respect that promise. Just saying that I don’t think strip clubs are the worst place ever for a SO to go.
Funnily enough, last time my SO and I were in Vegas, I ended up going to a strip club and he didn’t want to go! He was more interested in gambling. I went with a girlfriend and some random bachelor party we met. It was pretty much just a bar as far as I was concerned, but I did have fun critiquing the women’s outfits.
Post # 13
@cdncinnamongirl: Thank you, I know that other will judge him etc., but honestly: they know that i don’t like that stuff (obviously because they texted me at his party)-so it is not like I have a reputation to lose. I get it-he wants to fit in, but where is the line? What if guys peer pressure him to get a lap dance etc.? Not that I think they would, but I just don’t like the peer pressure argument in general;)
I was actually really mad when I saw that his brother texted him before HIS party “you have to talk to a girl tonight”! WTH? Who does that? I’m usually getting along great with his brother, but that really pissed me off.
@sassygrn: I didn’t want to insult anyone, sorry if I did. I know there are good places and not so good ones, but the point was more about him breaking promises…
I know it is not always a sexual thing, but then I also think “Really you bond over THAT”?
I am just so confused…
Post # 14
@cdncinnamongirl: I agree, I think compromise is the answer, but not when it benefits one and not the other. If you, for example, agreed that your husband is not allowed to go to stripclubs UNLESS its for a bachelor party and you felt 100% comfortable with that, then more power to you.. But what kind of compromise can there be in this situation where the OP does not feel comfortable her husband going at all, bachelor party or not? Plus at the end of the day, he is breaking a promise he made. He shouldnt have promised that if he didnt really have the intention of keeping it.
Post # 15
You have every right to your opinion, feelings, etc. but your generalizations about the “women who are there” is frankly pretty offensive. Some people actually like going their with their partners and as for the women that work there, what makes you better than them?
However, he made a promise to you and as your husband he should be respecting your wishes. I am sure there are other parts to the bachelor party such as dinner or other events, are you okay with him going to those? I would firmly tell him that you support him supporting his friend but you are not okay with strip clubs and not okay with him ignoring and hurting your feelings.
Post # 16
@Veranyc: As far as the lapdance or something like that goes, your husband doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who will do that even under peer pressure. It honestly sounds like he just wants to go and hang out with his guys. Maybe just let him know, hey I understand and I want you to be able to participate in the event, just make sure there is no touching whatsoever, no tipping, no nothing. Just drink and hang out with the guys but don’t interract with the strippers please.
He sounds reasonable and like he would be more than comfortable making that promise since the whole strip club thing doesn’t seem to be his scene.