(Closed) I just needed to Vent….so I came by the Hive. IT’S LONG AND NOT EDITED SORRY

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

That stinks I’m sorry you’re in that position.

Honestly though I don’t know much more to say. It sounds like this you’ve known a long time about your FI but have chosen to stay.

I do agree, that you have probably grown into a great stand by your side through thick and thin kind of partner… BUT that doesn’t mean you should be subjected to stay in the strain of not having a reliable leader of a (one day) husband.

Definitely sounds like he has some MAJOR maturing to do before really being ready to be a husband… and then what about a father one day? eek?

sigh.. again sorry for your position & ((hugs)) for your frustration =/

Post # 4
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Oh, Dooneybell. I’m sorry. I can say I don’t have that problem with the hubby, but I do with my mother, so I do understand where you are coming from, it’s incredibly frustrating. I guess the real question you have to pose to yourself is what you just asked the WB community. What’s the point? Do you see things getting better? Have a serious conversation with yourself about this. Then maybe you should have that conversation with him. This very well could be a deal breaker. My best advice is discuss, discuss, discuss. Talk about it with him until you have a clear answer either way. Hang in there! Hugs!

Post # 6
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@dooneybell:

lol. Well, I can totally accept that! Just remind yourself that this is what you signed up for. Every man (and woman) has their short comings. As long as your love for him outweighs your frustration, you’re in the clear. But just remember this is your life, and you deserve to be happy, don’t settle for something you’re not happy with. I trust that you know what’s best for you! I give you a lot of kudos for voicing your frustrations! Some women can never even talk about the flaws because “that makes them real”. Lots of positive waves headed towards you from me! Laughing

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@dooneybell: I hope you can come to an easy solution, but we all know solutions aren’t easy.

I’d be a little concerned that he didn’t respect your opinion enough to NOT purchase that pile of junk. That’s a major purchase, and you gave your reasons, but he said “nuh-uh, screw that. I’ll do what I want.” That’s not a very respectful, equal attitude to take. Have you talked to him about that aspect of his decision making? Something small like touching the stove after you’ve asked him not to is one thing, but this? That’s kind of a big deal.

Post # 8
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i get this on some levels. my FI is 8 years my junior (i am 34, he is 26)…and he doesn’t listen to me….a lot. he’s a terrible driver, he’s a total slob, he doesn’t “get” the concept that you should “put it back if you drag it out.” etc. idk how many times i have had to literally take him by the hand and point out his messes and ask them to clean them up….only to be staring at them for the next WEEK.

but

i love him. he adores me, he treats me with respect, would never stray, loves his mother and his family, treats every living creature with high regard, loves the lord, makes me laugh, holds me when i need it most, tells me he loves me 3+ times/day…i could go on…but i needn’t.

no one is perfect…i sure am not! do i beleive i am wiser having lived 8 years longer on this rock? yes. do i believe i am an inifinately better driver considering i have 10 more years of experience than him? yes. do i think he will ever NOT be a slob?  no. but i accept it, and i love him and there will never be another him.

it’s not really about who you wish they were, it’s more about who you’re glad they aren’t, and why you chose to love them in the first place. i thank God every day for bringing his slobby, non-listening self into my life because i would never want to go back to the terrible people i allowed in my life before him.

and even though some of those losers i was with before possessed some of the qualities i wish he had…at the end of the day i’m so much happier dealing with the little annoyances (even if they are on a daily/weekly/monthly basis for the rest of our lives), than being with someone who doesn’t appreciate me or disrespects me.

patience is key. when he does something stupid, think of a time when he did something wonderful…hopefully the latter will trump the former…

Post # 9
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated, but this made me laugh out loud.  I read some parts to my FI.  We often have the conversation of, “See, I was right, why don’t you just LISTEN to me!?”  I don’t have much advice, but for us its more of a mix of communication and his stubborness.  He can be completely unreasonable sometimes.  I just try to talk to him about listening when we aren’t disagreeing about something and sometimes it helps.  His maturity level growing throughout our relationship has helped more.  But I think he’s always going to be kind of hard-headed.  I love the goofball anyways.  Don’t marry someone you want to change.  I’ve learned that you can work on the ways you communicate and treat one another, but who they are as a person will very rarely change.  Maybe he can learn to respect your opinion more, but he will probably always make decisions in this way.

Post # 9
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Double post

Post # 10
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would like to suggest the book that DH and I used for our premarital counseling…

Preparing For Marriage

Get 2 books so you can write in them…. If nothing else atleast go through the first 2 worksheets they cover:

1. Personal History – The why we act & think like we do from where we came from… may be something in there as to why he feels he should just make a decision and go for it…

2. Great Expectation – where you each stand on desires & position in marriage… goes through how you’ll decided about financial things, large purchases, home buying/renting, who does what and so on.. pretty much covers everything.

These things are great to atleast get a good communication base on the things that WILL come up atleast once over the next 50+ years of marriage (hopefully even longer)

=)

Post # 13
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

That sucks, I’m sorry.

Being a few years older than FI, it hasn’t always been easy. There have been more than a few times where I had to bite my tongue while he made the same mistakes that I had. I do my best to choose my battles carefully.  

The broom thing, you should learn to laugh at, let him screw up the small shit. But he needs to learn that you are a team. Major decisions need to be made together.

Post # 14
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

oh i hear you…. ive said to my hubby “if you just do as a i say the first time i say it your life would be so much happier because im am usually always, ALWAYS right” *sigh*

sending hugs and positive vibes to you – i know you dont want to beat him around the head with the facts of what hes done but hopefully he will start listening. goodluck and vent away

Post # 15
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

You can totally do the book yourselves…

I’ve even known couples that they’d make a date over it… They would read the chapters seperatley through the week then take a night to have a date night and talk through it…

They all seemed to really enjoy it and well not gonna lie after I heard of things like that DH and I kinda felt like we missed something by NOT getting a little more into it. lol

It really doesn’t sounds to me like “in need of counseling” like seeing someone… just getting a base where you’re atleast on the same page… shortcomings and all 😉

Goodluck! and keep us updates =D

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