I woke up this morning to the following email. The background is that yes, I am overweight, and we have battled over this my entire life. We are pretty close - or at least, we talk on the phone a lot - and she has similar problems. She and I are frighteningly similar people. Since I met Mr.GV, I've become better about standing up to her about it, but I've also gained weight. Last night I responded to an email to the women throwing my shower next month, telling them how excited I am, that the shower makes it all seem real, and holy *&%* I'm really getting married! So, without further ado, my mom's email:
OK, so, yes, Holy *&%^$#%^&**@, you ARE really getting married! In just a hair over 4 months! Good that you are excited!!!
And now would be an excellent time to think seriously about the fact that you will be the absolute center of attention, and you want to look as gorgeous as you possibly can—which, as we know, is plenty gorgeous! This was brought home to me last night at Ben's wedding---All the details and visuals of the place, food, decor, etc. are important and fun, but the bride (and groom) are most definitely the center of attention----- So a serious fitness program/diet to begin now (unless, of course, you have already begun) would be a lovely addition to the festivities. And my email about why this is so important HEALTH-wise (not just appearance-wise) will follow at some later date (like you don’t already know...)
Meanwhile, I plan to begin today, with an ambitious goal for myself---happy to have company in my effort......
Love you,
Mummy
I already wrote back once and said that this made me feel terrible, and that I've gone to two weddings over the last two weeks myself, and I'm not stupid, and I don't need her to remind me of something that's already on my mind all the time. And I'm scared to go have my dress fitting with JUST HER next month. She has written back 3 or 4 times imploring me to write back, saying that it's her motherly duty, "part of the job description," she's worried about my health, etc... I know that part is true, but is it really part of the job description? Please help. Thanks, everyone.
It's your day! As long as you are comfortable with how you look and feel, you're going to look beautiful no matter what. No one can outshine you or can't compete with you. Of course you are the center of attention that nite, but everyone is coming to your wedding to celebrate with you and celebrate you both, not to make you feel like crap about how THEY think you look. Who cares what other people think anyway? I have the complete opposite with my weight, where the bridal salon I went to to get my dress had the owner scream out to the front - OMG! Get the peanut measuring tape for this one! And then explaining to everyone how I'll have to get lots of bra stuffing inserts to give a "womanly effect" Lovely. It's a society standard everyone is after, but it isn't real - it's B.S. Obviously. Just go out there and get married girl, and party like you never did before. Doesn't matter what you look like, it's not about anyone but you and your groom. If you're both happy, everyone should take note. Your mom is doing her motherly duties, and ultimately, I bet she's happy for you and just honestly concerned. Explain to her how this makes you feel, and that perhaps it's adding more stress to you than you can handle right now with all the planning. Tell her that you're happy and feel good about yourself, and aren't too fussed with other people's appearance. I hope that helps.
I can imagine that would be an unpleasant email to read first thing in the morning - particularly because, as you said, you are well aware that the bride and groom are the center of attention! I would assume, however, since you said that you and your mom talk a lot and are a lot alike, that her email was coming from a good place. I know it might not seem that way, but I bet she just wants you to be the "best you can be" (not taking into account that you're probably pretty darn great right now) on your wedding day, and wants some company on her own difficult weight loss journey. If I were you, I'd take a few hours to not read the emails and have a breather, and when you're comfortable, you can talk to your mom. I'd suggst on the phone, since emails are so hard to interpret (tone) and just say that while you appreciate her concern for your health and her desire for you to be in "top form" on your wedding day, you don't need any additional stress as you plan the big day. If you *are* interested in changing eating/fitness habits, then you can maybe discuss how the two of you can serve as support mechanisms for each other. The email sounds like your mom loves you very very much, and thinks you're beautiful, but might have expressed it in the entirely wrong way. Good luck!
No advice--just wanted to say that you are not alone. I just recently got engaged but expect to hear comments from my mom along these lines. I've heard them all my life. Hang in there.
Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling so much anxiety about your mom, your dress, etc.! I know what you mean - there is enough pressure to be thin, to look good on your wedding day, etc. without someone close to you reminding you.
However I do think it's good that your mom realizes that fitness/diet choices should be made for health reasons (and not just to fit in to a dress) and that she's willing to support you if that's what you want to do.
I would let her know that you appreciate her support, but you're handling it on your own and will let her know if you can use her help (who knows, maybe she'd offer to pay for a gym membership or some workout gear).
If my mom said this to me, I'd likely get super defensive too, but just know that she loves you and wants the best for you. Maybe there's a way you can work with her (and not against her).
She didn't sound like she was pushing the "health" of it all. If she was concerned about health, I would think she would have started a plan a long time ago for herself (regardless of you or any upcoming weddings).
It sucks that she tried to massage the subject. Frankly, she shouldn't have said anything unless you asked for her thoughts.
If you are 115, 215 or 315 pounds... no one will whisper that you look like you've been eating too many donuts. You are the bride, and everyone will just be happy to be at your wedding. They won't look at a few extra pounds, I promise.
Honestly... I understand how you feel, but her email was not malicious.
I expected her to be totally rude about it... She's not just talking about you and your weight... she's setting a goal for you both to complete and while you will be losing weight- she's also mentioning health. I don't think your mom was trying to hurt your feelings, I would view this as a bonding activity. This is something you could do together- and while you may not lose any weight... you would probably feel better and have more energy- which you will need wedding planning!
I totally understand how you feel though, and maybe I don't think your mom is malicious... because mine is. When I went wedding dress shopping my mom came right out and said I had gotten way to heavy (in front of a sales clerk). My mom is just blunt and I am accustomed to it. In less than a year I went from a size 6 to a size 16 (I love food... what can I say?)... finally I've gotten back down to a size 10 which I am content with.
Try not to take this poorly, even though I understand how you would- view it as a mother daughter activity. More importantly.. make sure you're comfortable with yourself. Don't do this to lose weight.. commit to it so you have more energy.
"Please help me figure out what to do." -- It sounds to me like you have already done the best thing: being open with her on how hurtful this is, regardless of how well intentioned. As for the fitting - either don't bring her or bring along some (supportive) friends. I suggest the former.
This really bothers me. My mother has struggled with her weight her entire life and I've seen how much pain comments like this can cause. If it makes you feel better, this happen to all brides no matter their shape and size, like Hannah said. I'm 5'2" and 125 lbs (so hardly overweight) and I have gotten so many questions about what diet I'm going to use, or even "congratulating" me on eating "with my wedding right around the corner". Sigh. People hold brides to a higher level of appearance, when really we should all just feel and look like ourselves.
Ditto to Pinky. You are going to look GORGEOUS on your wedding day because you are going to be SO HAPPY. The smile you get from the love you share with your new husband is more powerful than a day at the gym, make up, or even Spanx. ;)
Oh, my mom totally did this to me! Just after we got engaged, she did this whole thing where she would send me e-mails about getting my teeth whitened (they're a little crooked and coffee stained) and going to the dermatologist (I still break out and have roscea) so I could be "fixed" for my wedding. I ended up sending her an e-mail saying "Look Mom, you know I love and respect you, but you have to back off. Now. I know you think you are being helpful, but all this is saying to me is that you don't think I'm good enough and that's really hurtful. I'm saying all of this now because I know as the wedding approaches, I'm going to be under stress and honestly, I don't want to fight with you about it or avoid you because the things you say make me feel bad. So if I need help, I will ask, but until I do, I would really appreciate it if you kept that kind of commentary to yourself." Happily enough it worked and she's been really good about it since, so I highly advocate talking to your mom and laying it out on the line for her. Good luck and let us know how it goes!
it seems your mom is well aware how sensitive you are about your weight. i think she has your best interests in mind, as her email wasn't mean or snarky at all. and not only that, she's starting an exercise routine and is watching her diet as well - not only is she kindly suggesting you try to lose some weight, she's practicing what she preaches! i think you should take her email as a positive thing and seriously consider exercising together. you'd be surprised at what a positive influence it has on your relationship.
I think Hummingbird's email to her mom is what you need to do. It sounds like subtlety won't work to get her to stop. Be kind, respectful, very firm and don't back down. I'm sure your mom thinks she's doing what's best for you, but she's wrong. Kindly tell her that you feel uncomfortable/bad about yourself/whatever you feel when she makes comments about your weight, and please don't do it. And if she keeps making the comments, excuse yourself from the conversation if you're on the phone, change the subject in person and leave if you need to, and just don't respond to emails where she brings it up.
I agree - the email did not seem malicious at all. It sounded like she put in a lot of tact to try not to be offensive - especially with the, "i'm going to start, why don't you join me?" tone.
She is your mother - she'll love you no matter what. But she is your mother - she'll nag you no matter what!
Have you heard of the, "when you do this, you make me feel this" type statements? Those tend to work very well. Talk to her and use that format - "I know you have good intentions, but when you ask me about my weight and diet plans, it makes me feel _____".
In terms of "part of the job description", I think its a yes/no. Most likely she's expressing concerns to protect you (or she thinks). And that part is a mother/parent's duty.
It could be worse, really, she could just be straightforward and blunt about it. I have one relative that refuses to show up to family events because she would end up in tears after being ridiculed for her weight.( Like, "its gross, you should do something about it".)
I grew up battling a weight problem, and my mother was never too far away to remind me of it. It wasn't just her. It was my whole family, always suggestive in their ways.
And it's hard. I used to tell my mom that "I have a mirror. I know what I look like. I don't need anyone else to remind me." Some people just don't understand what heavy people go through. We know it's a battle. And while we may want to do everything we can to remedy it, it isn't always easy to get started.
But on the same token, if your mother can't be the one to talk about health issues with, who can? She's the only one who has known you your whole life. Of course she is concerned.
Just don't let her concerns get in the way of your beautiful day. It is, after all, a day to celebrate the love you share with your FI. It should suit you. And all you have to do that day is be yourself.
If you are asking what I would do, I would be really touched by the effort she took to not hurt my feelings and she obviously put a lot of thought and tact in this email. If you could meet my mom, whom I love but who straight up told me that we were getting my wedding dress a size smaller than I currently wear maybe you would realize how lucky you are to have such a sweet and caring mom.
I agree that it is in her job description to worry about your health, and although I totally get that it's an extra reminder when you didn't need one maybe you should take her up on her offer and join Weight Watchers or Curves or the local gym together.
It doesn't matter what size you are - moms will be our harshest critics. I recently lost 20 pounds and my mom told me that manufacturers must have changed their sizing, that's why I can wear a smaller size now. She also LOVES to remind me that she weighed 114 pounds at her wedding. I know that's what she thinks I should weigh, even though if I weighed that much I would pretty much be a skeleton as I'm 5'-7"!
::Hugs:: My mom is the same way---sometimes she just can't help herself in trying to get her children to do what she thinks is best, whatever it is. For me it was convincing her that no really, it was going to be okay that two of our groomsmen are 8 and 10 years old and the bridesmaids that "match" them are grown women. I just had to say, "In the grand scheme of things, it's not going to matter. We are happy with our decision." It's worked for me in stopping the comments.
What to do now? Well, why not try to work with her instead of against her? Tell her you're serious about your health (which it's obvious you are), but that you aren't going to go on crash diet for the wedding---that wouldn't be healthy, after all! Maybe right now you're not ready to start any kind of diet and exercise plan---maybe all you're ready for is thinking about it, and there's nothing wrong with that. That does count as work! Remind her that real weight loss takes a long time so by next month at your dress fitting, even if you are eating well and exercising, you still may look exactly the same, and that the best support and encouragement she can give you is to tell you how beautiful you are right NOW. This is a "grand scheme" issue, not a wedding issue, and so you need to ask her to not pressure you by mentioning it so much or expecting too much too soon. You might also want to bring along a friend for moral support during the dress fitting because that might keep your mom in check. Good luck!
My mom and other relatives used to nag at me about my weight, but not in such a nice way! In junior high my grandma made me join Weight Watchers with her; my mom was always commenting on things I ate or how I should watch what I ate (easy for her to say--she's always been super skinny!). In college I did lose weight, but as soon as I got engaged mom said her wedding gift to me was going to be a personal trainer so I "was comfortable on my wedding day." I told her I could do it on my own just fine, thanks. She was worried about dress shopping because in high school I was pretty big and any shopping trip was torture. I went to my prom by myself and couldn't really find a dress that fit. I'm a lot smaller now, but she was still concerned. When we went dress shopping together she got really emotional and told me that, although she'd been worried about it, she realized I was going to be a beautiful bride.
I think mothers just always want the best for their kids! If she's also struggled with her weight, she just probably doesn't want you going through life feeling the same way. Looking back, I can see why my mom and grandma urged me to lose weight like they did. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but you probably should let her know that it upsets you!
I agree with the other posters; she is not trying to be mean. Mothers are there to love us, not to make us feel awful! :)
I think a lot gets lost in e-mail because it's a one-sided conversation for a while (at least until the opposite party responds). She probably wants to bring it up, but is also worried about offending you, so sends this e-mail consciously trying to avoid offending you, and when it's read, you can kind of see it. She really means well..And I bet if she had talked to you over the phone, different words would have come out and you wouldn't have gotten the same vibe and feel from it.
Oh man. I'd be so pis*ed off. I'm not going to be able to give you good advice about calming down and not being upset, but I will tell you that you're not alone in being the recipient of maternal criticism. Based on the end of her email, it sounds like she's worried about how *she* will look and is just trying to drag you into her insecurity so she'll have some company. Being healthy is definitely important, but couching it in the message of "everyone will be staring, lose weight" -- not so helpful.
Poor GV! I'm sure your mom's comments were coming from a good place, but I know firsthand that this kind of "help" is completely unhelpful. And no bride is unaware of the pressure to work her butt off and look like a supermodel on her wedding day. if I see one more "Skinny Brides" ad on Facebook, I'm going to scream.
I think you're dealing with it just fine. You let your mom know that you felt hurt by what she said. In response to the "motherly duty" stuff, just tell her that you know she loves you and wants the best for you, but her pestering you to go on a wedding day diet is not motivating you to get healthy, it's just making you feel lousy. Hopefully she'll get the message and back off. If she hasn't gotten the message by the day of your fitting, I'd say bring a friend along too so there is someone there who will definitely be supportive. Good luck!!
I woke up this morning to the following email. The background is that yes, I am overweight, and we have battled over this my entire life. We are pretty close - or at least, we talk on the phone a lot - and she has similar problems. She and I are frighteningly similar people. Since I met Mr.GV, I've become better about standing up to her about it, but I've also gained weight. Last night I responded to an email to the women throwing my shower next month, telling them how excited I am, that the shower makes it all seem real, and holy *&%* I'm really getting married! So, without further ado, my mom's email:
OK, so, yes, Holy *&%^$#%^&**@, you ARE really getting married! In just a hair over 4 months! Good that you are excited!!!
And now would be an excellent time to think seriously about the fact that you will be the absolute center of attention, and you want to look as gorgeous as you possibly can—which, as we know, is plenty gorgeous! This was brought home to me last night at Ben's wedding---All the details and visuals of the place, food, decor, etc. are important and fun, but the bride (and groom) are most definitely the center of attention----- So a serious fitness program/diet to begin now (unless, of course, you have already begun) would be a lovely addition to the festivities. And my email about why this is so important HEALTH-wise (not just appearance-wise) will follow at some later date (like you don’t already know...)
Meanwhile, I plan to begin today, with an ambitious goal for myself---happy to have company in my effort......
GV,
It's your day! As long as you are comfortable with how you look and feel, you're going to look beautiful no matter what. No one can outshine you or can't compete with you. Of course you are the center of attention that nite, but everyone is coming to your wedding to celebrate with you and celebrate you both, not to make you feel like crap about how THEY think you look. Who cares what other people think anyway? I have the complete opposite with my weight, where the bridal salon I went to to get my dress had the owner scream out to the front - OMG! Get the peanut measuring tape for this one! And then explaining to everyone how I'll have to get lots of bra stuffing inserts to give a "womanly effect" Lovely. It's a society standard everyone is after, but it isn't real - it's B.S. Obviously. Just go out there and get married girl, and party like you never did before. Doesn't matter what you look like, it's not about anyone but you and your groom. If you're both happy, everyone should take note. Your mom is doing her motherly duties, and ultimately, I bet she's happy for you and just honestly concerned. Explain to her how this makes you feel, and that perhaps it's adding more stress to you than you can handle right now with all the planning. Tell her that you're happy and feel good about yourself, and aren't too fussed with other people's appearance. I hope that helps.
posted by marinebride 11 posts 5 months agoI can imagine that would be an unpleasant email to read first thing in the morning - particularly because, as you said, you are well aware that the bride and groom are the center of attention! I would assume, however, since you said that you and your mom talk a lot and are a lot alike, that her email was coming from a good place. I know it might not seem that way, but I bet she just wants you to be the "best you can be" (not taking into account that you're probably pretty darn great right now) on your wedding day, and wants some company on her own difficult weight loss journey. If I were you, I'd take a few hours to not read the emails and have a breather, and when you're comfortable, you can talk to your mom. I'd suggst on the phone, since emails are so hard to interpret (tone) and just say that while you appreciate her concern for your health and her desire for you to be in "top form" on your wedding day, you don't need any additional stress as you plan the big day. If you *are* interested in changing eating/fitness habits, then you can maybe discuss how the two of you can serve as support mechanisms for each other. The email sounds like your mom loves you very very much, and thinks you're beautiful, but might have expressed it in the entirely wrong way. Good luck!
posted by caulner 34 posts 5 months agoNo advice--just wanted to say that you are not alone. I just recently got engaged but expect to hear comments from my mom along these lines. I've heard them all my life. Hang in there.
posted by HannahT 23 posts 5 months agoAw, I'm sorry you're feeling so much anxiety about your mom, your dress, etc.! I know what you mean - there is enough pressure to be thin, to look good on your wedding day, etc. without someone close to you reminding you.
However I do think it's good that your mom realizes that fitness/diet choices should be made for health reasons (and not just to fit in to a dress) and that she's willing to support you if that's what you want to do.
I would let her know that you appreciate her support, but you're handling it on your own and will let her know if you can use her help (who knows, maybe she'd offer to pay for a gym membership or some workout gear).
If my mom said this to me, I'd likely get super defensive too, but just know that she loves you and wants the best for you. Maybe there's a way you can work with her (and not against her).
posted by Maude 131 posts 5 months agoShe didn't sound like she was pushing the "health" of it all. If she was concerned about health, I would think she would have started a plan a long time ago for herself (regardless of you or any upcoming weddings).
It sucks that she tried to massage the subject. Frankly, she shouldn't have said anything unless you asked for her thoughts.
If you are 115, 215 or 315 pounds... no one will whisper that you look like you've been eating too many donuts. You are the bride, and everyone will just be happy to be at your wedding. They won't look at a few extra pounds, I promise.
posted by PinkyJules 40 posts 5 months agoHonestly... I understand how you feel, but her email was not malicious.
I expected her to be totally rude about it... She's not just talking about you and your weight... she's setting a goal for you both to complete and while you will be losing weight- she's also mentioning health. I don't think your mom was trying to hurt your feelings, I would view this as a bonding activity. This is something you could do together- and while you may not lose any weight... you would probably feel better and have more energy- which you will need wedding planning!
I totally understand how you feel though, and maybe I don't think your mom is malicious... because mine is. When I went wedding dress shopping my mom came right out and said I had gotten way to heavy (in front of a sales clerk). My mom is just blunt and I am accustomed to it. In less than a year I went from a size 6 to a size 16 (I love food... what can I say?)... finally I've gotten back down to a size 10 which I am content with.
Try not to take this poorly, even though I understand how you would- view it as a mother daughter activity. More importantly.. make sure you're comfortable with yourself. Don't do this to lose weight.. commit to it so you have more energy.
I'm sure you will be gorgeous.
posted by maureen9004 261 posts 5 months ago"Please help me figure out what to do." -- It sounds to me like you have already done the best thing: being open with her on how hurtful this is, regardless of how well intentioned. As for the fitting - either don't bring her or bring along some (supportive) friends. I suggest the former.
This really bothers me. My mother has struggled with her weight her entire life and I've seen how much pain comments like this can cause. If it makes you feel better, this happen to all brides no matter their shape and size, like Hannah said. I'm 5'2" and 125 lbs (so hardly overweight) and I have gotten so many questions about what diet I'm going to use, or even "congratulating" me on eating "with my wedding right around the corner". Sigh. People hold brides to a higher level of appearance, when really we should all just feel and look like ourselves.
Ditto to Pinky. You are going to look GORGEOUS on your wedding day because you are going to be SO HAPPY. The smile you get from the love you share with your new husband is more powerful than a day at the gym, make up, or even Spanx. ;)
posted by peachypear 103 posts 5 months agoOh, my mom totally did this to me! Just after we got engaged, she did this whole thing where she would send me e-mails about getting my teeth whitened (they're a little crooked and coffee stained) and going to the dermatologist (I still break out and have roscea) so I could be "fixed" for my wedding.
posted by hummingbird 35 posts 5 months agoI ended up sending her an e-mail saying "Look Mom, you know I love and respect you, but you have to back off. Now. I know you think you are being helpful, but all this is saying to me is that you don't think I'm good enough and that's really hurtful. I'm saying all of this now because I know as the wedding approaches, I'm going to be under stress and honestly, I don't want to fight with you about it or avoid you because the things you say make me feel bad. So if I need help, I will ask, but until I do, I would really appreciate it if you kept that kind of commentary to yourself."
Happily enough it worked and she's been really good about it since, so I highly advocate talking to your mom and laying it out on the line for her.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
it seems your mom is well aware how sensitive you are about your weight. i think she has your best interests in mind, as her email wasn't mean or snarky at all. and not only that, she's starting an exercise routine and is watching her diet as well - not only is she kindly suggesting you try to lose some weight, she's practicing what she preaches! i think you should take her email as a positive thing and seriously consider exercising together. you'd be surprised at what a positive influence it has on your relationship.
good luck to you! :D
posted by anna 36 posts 5 months agoI think Hummingbird's email to her mom is what you need to do. It sounds like subtlety won't work to get her to stop. Be kind, respectful, very firm and don't back down. I'm sure your mom thinks she's doing what's best for you, but she's wrong. Kindly tell her that you feel uncomfortable/bad about yourself/whatever you feel when she makes comments about your weight, and please don't do it. And if she keeps making the comments, excuse yourself from the conversation if you're on the phone, change the subject in person and leave if you need to, and just don't respond to emails where she brings it up.
posted by MissSnapdragon 88 posts 5 months agoI agree - the email did not seem malicious at all. It sounded like she put in a lot of tact to try not to be offensive - especially with the, "i'm going to start, why don't you join me?" tone.
She is your mother - she'll love you no matter what. But she is your mother - she'll nag you no matter what!
Have you heard of the, "when you do this, you make me feel this" type statements? Those tend to work very well. Talk to her and use that format - "I know you have good intentions, but when you ask me about my weight and diet plans, it makes me feel _____".
In terms of "part of the job description", I think its a yes/no. Most likely she's expressing concerns to protect you (or she thinks). And that part is a mother/parent's duty.
It could be worse, really, she could just be straightforward and blunt about it. I have one relative that refuses to show up to family events because she would end up in tears after being ridiculed for her weight.( Like, "its gross, you should do something about it".)
posted by czrena 25 posts 5 months agoI can relate.
I grew up battling a weight problem, and my mother was never too far away to remind me of it. It wasn't just her. It was my whole family, always suggestive in their ways.
And it's hard. I used to tell my mom that "I have a mirror. I know what I look like. I don't need anyone else to remind me." Some people just don't understand what heavy people go through. We know it's a battle. And while we may want to do everything we can to remedy it, it isn't always easy to get started.
But on the same token, if your mother can't be the one to talk about health issues with, who can? She's the only one who has known you your whole life. Of course she is concerned.
Just don't let her concerns get in the way of your beautiful day. It is, after all, a day to celebrate the love you share with your FI. It should suit you. And all you have to do that day is be yourself.
posted by BriLJL 99 posts 5 months agoIf you are asking what I would do, I would be really touched by the effort she took to not hurt my feelings and she obviously put a lot of thought and tact in this email. If you could meet my mom, whom I love but who straight up told me that we were getting my wedding dress a size smaller than I currently wear maybe you would realize how lucky you are to have such a sweet and caring mom.
I agree that it is in her job description to worry about your health, and although I totally get that it's an extra reminder when you didn't need one maybe you should take her up on her offer and join Weight Watchers or Curves or the local gym together.
posted by vyeta7 170 posts 5 months agoIt doesn't matter what size you are - moms will be our harshest critics. I recently lost 20 pounds and my mom told me that manufacturers must have changed their sizing, that's why I can wear a smaller size now. She also LOVES to remind me that she weighed 114 pounds at her wedding. I know that's what she thinks I should weigh, even though if I weighed that much I would pretty much be a skeleton as I'm 5'-7"!
posted by snmcdowell 467 posts 5 months ago::Hugs:: My mom is the same way---sometimes she just can't help herself in trying to get her children to do what she thinks is best, whatever it is. For me it was convincing her that no really, it was going to be okay that two of our groomsmen are 8 and 10 years old and the bridesmaids that "match" them are grown women. I just had to say, "In the grand scheme of things, it's not going to matter. We are happy with our decision." It's worked for me in stopping the comments.
What to do now? Well, why not try to work with her instead of against her? Tell her you're serious about your health (which it's obvious you are), but that you aren't going to go on crash diet for the wedding---that wouldn't be healthy, after all! Maybe right now you're not ready to start any kind of diet and exercise plan---maybe all you're ready for is thinking about it, and there's nothing wrong with that. That does count as work! Remind her that real weight loss takes a long time so by next month at your dress fitting, even if you are eating well and exercising, you still may look exactly the same, and that the best support and encouragement she can give you is to tell you how beautiful you are right NOW. This is a "grand scheme" issue, not a wedding issue, and so you need to ask her to not pressure you by mentioning it so much or expecting too much too soon. You might also want to bring along a friend for moral support during the dress fitting because that might keep your mom in check. Good luck!
posted by chelseamorning 216 posts 5 months agoMy mom and other relatives used to nag at me about my weight, but not in such a nice way! In junior high my grandma made me join Weight Watchers with her; my mom was always commenting on things I ate or how I should watch what I ate (easy for her to say--she's always been super skinny!). In college I did lose weight, but as soon as I got engaged mom said her wedding gift to me was going to be a personal trainer so I "was comfortable on my wedding day." I told her I could do it on my own just fine, thanks. She was worried about dress shopping because in high school I was pretty big and any shopping trip was torture. I went to my prom by myself and couldn't really find a dress that fit. I'm a lot smaller now, but she was still concerned. When we went dress shopping together she got really emotional and told me that, although she'd been worried about it, she realized I was going to be a beautiful bride.
I think mothers just always want the best for their kids! If she's also struggled with her weight, she just probably doesn't want you going through life feeling the same way. Looking back, I can see why my mom and grandma urged me to lose weight like they did. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but you probably should let her know that it upsets you!
posted by MrsHC 3 posts 5 months agoGorgesViola,
I agree with the other posters; she is not trying to be mean. Mothers are there to love us, not to make us feel awful! :)
I think a lot gets lost in e-mail because it's a one-sided conversation for a while (at least until the opposite party responds). She probably wants to bring it up, but is also worried about offending you, so sends this e-mail consciously trying to avoid offending you, and when it's read, you can kind of see it. She really means well..And I bet if she had talked to you over the phone, different words would have come out and you wouldn't have gotten the same vibe and feel from it.
*Hugs*
posted by JCM9608 470 posts 5 months agoOh man. I'd be so pis*ed off. I'm not going to be able to give you good advice about calming down and not being upset, but I will tell you that you're not alone in being the recipient of maternal criticism. Based on the end of her email, it sounds like she's worried about how *she* will look and is just trying to drag you into her insecurity so she'll have some company. Being healthy is definitely important, but couching it in the message of "everyone will be staring, lose weight" -- not so helpful.
posted by amysue 640 posts 5 months agoPoor GV! I'm sure your mom's comments were coming from a good place, but I know firsthand that this kind of "help" is completely unhelpful. And no bride is unaware of the pressure to work her butt off and look like a supermodel on her wedding day. if I see one more "Skinny Brides" ad on Facebook, I'm going to scream.
I think you're dealing with it just fine. You let your mom know that you felt hurt by what she said. In response to the "motherly duty" stuff, just tell her that you know she loves you and wants the best for you, but her pestering you to go on a wedding day diet is not motivating you to get healthy, it's just making you feel lousy. Hopefully she'll get the message and back off. If she hasn't gotten the message by the day of your fitting, I'd say bring a friend along too so there is someone there who will definitely be supportive. Good luck!!
posted by MelissaB 72 posts 5 months ago