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GV,
It's your day! As long as you are comfortable with how you look and feel, you're going to look beautiful no matter what. No one can outshine you or can't compete with you. Of course you are the center of attention that nite, but everyone is coming to your wedding to celebrate with you and celebrate you both, not to make you feel like crap about how THEY think you look. Who cares what other people think anyway? I have the complete opposite with my weight, where the bridal salon I went to to get my dress had the owner scream out to the front - OMG! Get the peanut measuring tape for this one! And then explaining to everyone how I'll have to get lots of bra stuffing inserts to give a "womanly effect" Lovely. It's a society standard everyone is after, but it isn't real - it's B.S. Obviously. Just go out there and get married girl, and party like you never did before. Doesn't matter what you look like, it's not about anyone but you and your groom. If you're both happy, everyone should take note. Your mom is doing her motherly duties, and ultimately, I bet she's happy for you and just honestly concerned. Explain to her how this makes you feel, and that perhaps it's adding more stress to you than you can handle right now with all the planning. Tell her that you're happy and feel good about yourself, and aren't too fussed with other people's appearance. I hope that helps.
I can imagine that would be an unpleasant email to read first thing in the morning - particularly because, as you said, you are well aware that the bride and groom are the center of attention! I would assume, however, since you said that you and your mom talk a lot and are a lot alike, that her email was coming from a good place. I know it might not seem that way, but I bet she just wants you to be the "best you can be" (not taking into account that you're probably pretty darn great right now) on your wedding day, and wants some company on her own difficult weight loss journey. If I were you, I'd take a few hours to not read the emails and have a breather, and when you're comfortable, you can talk to your mom. I'd suggst on the phone, since emails are so hard to interpret (tone) and just say that while you appreciate her concern for your health and her desire for you to be in "top form" on your wedding day, you don't need any additional stress as you plan the big day. If you *are* interested in changing eating/fitness habits, then you can maybe discuss how the two of you can serve as support mechanisms for each other. The email sounds like your mom loves you very very much, and thinks you're beautiful, but might have expressed it in the entirely wrong way. Good luck!
No advice--just wanted to say that you are not alone. I just recently got engaged but expect to hear comments from my mom along these lines. I've heard them all my life. Hang in there.
Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling so much anxiety about your mom, your dress, etc.! I know what you mean - there is enough pressure to be thin, to look good on your wedding day, etc. without someone close to you reminding you.
However I do think it's good that your mom realizes that fitness/diet choices should be made for health reasons (and not just to fit in to a dress) and that she's willing to support you if that's what you want to do.
I would let her know that you appreciate her support, but you're handling it on your own and will let her know if you can use her help (who knows, maybe she'd offer to pay for a gym membership or some workout gear).
If my mom said this to me, I'd likely get super defensive too, but just know that she loves you and wants the best for you. Maybe there's a way you can work with her (and not against her).
She didn't sound like she was pushing the "health" of it all. If she was concerned about health, I would think she would have started a plan a long time ago for herself (regardless of you or any upcoming weddings).
It sucks that she tried to massage the subject. Frankly, she shouldn't have said anything unless you asked for her thoughts.
If you are 115, 215 or 315 pounds... no one will whisper that you look like you've been eating too many donuts. You are the bride, and everyone will just be happy to be at your wedding. They won't look at a few extra pounds, I promise.
Honestly... I understand how you feel, but her email was not malicious.
I expected her to be totally rude about it... She's not just talking about you and your weight... she's setting a goal for you both to complete and while you will be losing weight- she's also mentioning health. I don't think your mom was trying to hurt your feelings, I would view this as a bonding activity. This is something you could do together- and while you may not lose any weight... you would probably feel better and have more energy- which you will need wedding planning!
I totally understand how you feel though, and maybe I don't think your mom is malicious... because mine is. When I went wedding dress shopping my mom came right out and said I had gotten way to heavy (in front of a sales clerk). My mom is just blunt and I am accustomed to it. In less than a year I went from a size 6 to a size 16 (I love food... what can I say?)... finally I've gotten back down to a size 10 which I am content with.
Try not to take this poorly, even though I understand how you would- view it as a mother daughter activity. More importantly.. make sure you're comfortable with yourself. Don't do this to lose weight.. commit to it so you have more energy.
I'm sure you will be gorgeous.
"Please help me figure out what to do." -- It sounds to me like you have already done the best thing: being open with her on how hurtful this is, regardless of how well intentioned. As for the fitting - either don't bring her or bring along some (supportive) friends. I suggest the former.
This really bothers me. My mother has struggled with her weight her entire life and I've seen how much pain comments like this can cause. If it makes you feel better, this happen to all brides no matter their shape and size, like Hannah said. I'm 5'2" and 125 lbs (so hardly overweight) and I have gotten so many questions about what diet I'm going to use, or even "congratulating" me on eating "with my wedding right around the corner". Sigh. People hold brides to a higher level of appearance, when really we should all just feel and look like ourselves.
Ditto to Pinky. You are going to look GORGEOUS on your wedding day because you are going to be SO HAPPY. The smile you get from the love you share with your new husband is more powerful than a day at the gym, make up, or even Spanx. ;)
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Oh, my mom totally did this to me! Just after we got engaged, she did this whole thing where she would send me e-mails about getting my teeth whitened (they're a little crooked and coffee stained) and going to the dermatologist (I still break out and have roscea) so I could be "fixed" for my wedding.
I ended up sending her an e-mail saying "Look Mom, you know I love and respect you, but you have to back off. Now. I know you think you are being helpful, but all this is saying to me is that you don't think I'm good enough and that's really hurtful. I'm saying all of this now because I know as the wedding approaches, I'm going to be under stress and honestly, I don't want to fight with you about it or avoid you because the things you say make me feel bad. So if I need help, I will ask, but until I do, I would really appreciate it if you kept that kind of commentary to yourself."
Happily enough it worked and she's been really good about it since, so I highly advocate talking to your mom and laying it out on the line for her.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
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it seems your mom is well aware how sensitive you are about your weight. i think she has your best interests in mind, as her email wasn't mean or snarky at all. and not only that, she's starting an exercise routine and is watching her diet as well - not only is she kindly suggesting you try to lose some weight, she's practicing what she preaches! i think you should take her email as a positive thing and seriously consider exercising together. you'd be surprised at what a positive influence it has on your relationship.
good luck to you! :D
I think Hummingbird's email to her mom is what you need to do. It sounds like subtlety won't work to get her to stop. Be kind, respectful, very firm and don't back down. I'm sure your mom thinks she's doing what's best for you, but she's wrong. Kindly tell her that you feel uncomfortable/bad about yourself/whatever you feel when she makes comments about your weight, and please don't do it. And if she keeps making the comments, excuse yourself from the conversation if you're on the phone, change the subject in person and leave if you need to, and just don't respond to emails where she brings it up.
I agree - the email did not seem malicious at all. It sounded like she put in a lot of tact to try not to be offensive - especially with the, "i'm going to start, why don't you join me?" tone.
She is your mother - she'll love you no matter what. But she is your mother - she'll nag you no matter what!
Have you heard of the, "when you do this, you make me feel this" type statements? Those tend to work very well. Talk to her and use that format - "I know you have good intentions, but when you ask me about my weight and diet plans, it makes me feel _____".
In terms of "part of the job description", I think its a yes/no. Most likely she's expressing concerns to protect you (or she thinks). And that part is a mother/parent's duty.
It could be worse, really, she could just be straightforward and blunt about it. I have one relative that refuses to show up to family events because she would end up in tears after being ridiculed for her weight.( Like, "its gross, you should do something about it".)
I can relate.
I grew up battling a weight problem, and my mother was never too far away to remind me of it. It wasn't just her. It was my whole family, always suggestive in their ways.
And it's hard. I used to tell my mom that "I have a mirror. I know what I look like. I don't need anyone else to remind me." Some people just don't understand what heavy people go through. We know it's a battle. And while we may want to do everything we can to remedy it, it isn't always easy to get started.
But on the same token, if your mother can't be the one to talk about health issues with, who can? She's the only one who has known you your whole life. Of course she is concerned.
Just don't let her concerns get in the way of your beautiful day. It is, after all, a day to celebrate the love you share with your FI. It should suit you. And all you have to do that day is be yourself.
If you are asking what I would do, I would be really touched by the effort she took to not hurt my feelings and she obviously put a lot of thought and tact in this email. If you could meet my mom, whom I love but who straight up told me that we were getting my wedding dress a size smaller than I currently wear maybe you would realize how lucky you are to have such a sweet and caring mom.
I agree that it is in her job description to worry about your health, and although I totally get that it's an extra reminder when you didn't need one maybe you should take her up on her offer and join Weight Watchers or Curves or the local gym together.
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It doesn't matter what size you are - moms will be our harshest critics. I recently lost 20 pounds and my mom told me that manufacturers must have changed their sizing, that's why I can wear a smaller size now. She also LOVES to remind me that she weighed 114 pounds at her wedding. I know that's what she thinks I should weigh, even though if I weighed that much I would pretty much be a skeleton as I'm 5'-7"!
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::Hugs:: My mom is the same way---sometimes she just can't help herself in trying to get her children to do what she thinks is best, whatever it is. For me it was convincing her that no really, it was going to be okay that two of our groomsmen are 8 and 10 years old and the bridesmaids that "match" them are grown women. I just had to say, "In the grand scheme of things, it's not going to matter. We are happy with our decision." It's worked for me in stopping the comments.
What to do now? Well, why not try to work with her instead of against her? Tell her you're serious about your health (which it's obvious you are), but that you aren't going to go on crash diet for the wedding---that wouldn't be healthy, after all! Maybe right now you're not ready to start any kind of diet and exercise plan---maybe all you're ready for is thinking about it, and there's nothing wrong with that. That does count as work! Remind her that real weight loss takes a long time so by next month at your dress fitting, even if you are eating well and exercising, you still may look exactly the same, and that the best support and encouragement she can give you is to tell you how beautiful you are right NOW. This is a "grand scheme" issue, not a wedding issue, and so you need to ask her to not pressure you by mentioning it so much or expecting too much too soon. You might also want to bring along a friend for moral support during the dress fitting because that might keep your mom in check. Good luck!
My mom and other relatives used to nag at me about my weight, but not in such a nice way! In junior high my grandma made me join Weight Watchers with her; my mom was always commenting on things I ate or how I should watch what I ate (easy for her to say--she's always been super skinny!). In college I did lose weight, but as soon as I got engaged mom said her wedding gift to me was going to be a personal trainer so I "was comfortable on my wedding day." I told her I could do it on my own just fine, thanks. She was worried about dress shopping because in high school I was pretty big and any shopping trip was torture. I went to my prom by myself and couldn't really find a dress that fit. I'm a lot smaller now, but she was still concerned. When we went dress shopping together she got really emotional and told me that, although she'd been worried about it, she realized I was going to be a beautiful bride.
I think mothers just always want the best for their kids! If she's also struggled with her weight, she just probably doesn't want you going through life feeling the same way. Looking back, I can see why my mom and grandma urged me to lose weight like they did. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but you probably should let her know that it upsets you!
GorgesViola,
I agree with the other posters; she is not trying to be mean. Mothers are there to love us, not to make us feel awful! :)
I think a lot gets lost in e-mail because it's a one-sided conversation for a while (at least until the opposite party responds). She probably wants to bring it up, but is also worried about offending you, so sends this e-mail consciously trying to avoid offending you, and when it's read, you can kind of see it. She really means well..And I bet if she had talked to you over the phone, different words would have come out and you wouldn't have gotten the same vibe and feel from it.
*Hugs*
Oh man. I'd be so pis*ed off. I'm not going to be able to give you good advice about calming down and not being upset, but I will tell you that you're not alone in being the recipient of maternal criticism. Based on the end of her email, it sounds like she's worried about how *she* will look and is just trying to drag you into her insecurity so she'll have some company. Being healthy is definitely important, but couching it in the message of "everyone will be staring, lose weight" -- not so helpful.
Poor GV! I'm sure your mom's comments were coming from a good place, but I know firsthand that this kind of "help" is completely unhelpful. And no bride is unaware of the pressure to work her butt off and look like a supermodel on her wedding day. if I see one more "Skinny Brides" ad on Facebook, I'm going to scream.
I think you're dealing with it just fine. You let your mom know that you felt hurt by what she said. In response to the "motherly duty" stuff, just tell her that you know she loves you and wants the best for you, but her pestering you to go on a wedding day diet is not motivating you to get healthy, it's just making you feel lousy. Hopefully she'll get the message and back off. If she hasn't gotten the message by the day of your fitting, I'd say bring a friend along too so there is someone there who will definitely be supportive. Good luck!!
I have a friend who hates to look at his wedding pictures because he was heavier than normal at the time of his wedding. He loves his wife dearly, and loves looking at wedding pictures of her, but lets be honest, no matter how special or beautiful the moment when captured in a picture - if you think you look bad in the pictures, you will like the pictures less. One of the LA fruit bees wrote a post about being less than happy with her weight and thus chose a dress to get shopping over with - and thus doesn't like some of her dress pictures.
Also, I disagree with some other posters, if you feel self conscious about your weight now when you are just out-and-about - you will feel more self-conscious with 100 pairs of eyes, a photographer, and a videographer on you.
From the sound of your post - it isn't that your MOM wants you to lose weight - its that she knows that YOU want to lose weight and that YOU will be less than happy with yourself if you haven't lost that weight by your wedding. And, if you are gaining weight right now - it sounds like you are spending more time being stressed about your weight than actually dieting and exercising - and your mom probably knows that. So since you are having problems motivating yourself, you mom is trying to help you motivate. Also, if you and your mom have always battled with your weight - this issue isn't going to go away after you are married. Finally, is there a chance that it is easier for you to be mad at your mom for nagging/helping/reminding you to lose weight - than it is to be mad at yourself for keeping your bad habits that cause you to be overweight in the first place.
I have bad habits that I'm trying to break - and I spend a lot of time feeling guilty and angry with myself for not making more progress in breaking these habits - and sometimes I get mad at other people (especially if they remind me of my bad habits) because it feels better than being mad at myself. It sounds like you have a mother who loves you, and a fiance who is very supportive. You have the ability to make better habits for yourself, and when you are ready, it sounds like you have a great cheering section waiting for you.
Well, it's true that your mom is probably not trying to be mean. It's also true that she is way out of line. Your bio says that you're 29 - definately an adult. It's time that your mom treated you like one. Once you're not a child anymore, in order to have anything like a functional relationship with your parents, you need to respect each other as adults, and treat each other as friends. Which definately means, most of the time, that if you don't have something nice and supportive to say, you don't say anything at all - unless your opinion has been specifically solicited.
I think that you need to have a little conversation with your mom. Let her know that while you certainly agree that it's healthier to eat right and exercise, she should concentrate on her own issues, and let you concentrate on yours. That you're glad she's there to be supportive, and when you want to talk about your weight (or any other issue) you will let her know. But it makes you feel bad when she criticizes you, even when she tries to do it nicely, and so she needs to stop.
And seriously, if you can't feel gorgeous going dress shopping with her the way she is acting, tell her that too - and go with a girlfriend. I had an absolutely horrible first dress shopping experience with my mom, and I had to tell her that quite frankly I can tell all by myself when a dress looks awful on me - and if she couldn't do anything but make me feel bad, she could stay home the next time. She was waaaay better on our next trip.
I hear you as well. My mom once told me that if I didn't lose weight I'd never get a man to marry me. Hello? So wrong on so many levels, and she had the gall to play dumb as to why I hung up on her after she said it.
Anyway, it's a lifelong battle for a lot of us. I gained a lot when dating my FI, yummy dinners out!!
Maybe point out to your mom that you have to do it because you want to do it and not because she says to. In fact my mom telling me to lose tends to revert me back to teenager mode so I will do the exact opposite. So she said her piece, you got the memo and now she should never speak of it again. Do what you want to do. I found the wedding to be a great incentive (without parental interference). I lost 35 with jenny craig. It worked for me but it wouldn't have if my mom got involved.
Hang in there and I hope you can tell you are so not alone!
M&M
Hey everybody,
Thanks so much for all your very insightful and very helpful feedback. Every person has said something that has made me think about this differently from my initial reaction - which I'll admit was "F*** you!"
That said, I should give a little more background. My profile links to my blog, which describes in detail an accident I had over two years ago. In short, I basically had to re-learn how to walk and am still struggling with it. Until recently, just being able to be "normal" was my biggest focus... although I did physical therapy, simply walking around a grocery store can be exhausting, so more strenuous exercise unfortunately had to take a backseat to everyday life. I'm starting to piece things together again and know I've gained weight, but the truth of it is that I thank my lucky stars every day that the accident wasn't worse, which it could have been.
Mr.GV has been the only one to really see the whole process. Since I live in New York state and my family lives in Wisconsin, I don't see them often, and it's always a surprise to them how I look from visit to visit (weight and hair, mostly... but basically weight). Until I explicitly told them how bad it still was, they didn't understand the seriousness of the accident and its repercussions.
So that's why it's always weird for me when my mom says something like this, which I know comes from the best place. But she also knows that it's never been effective before (and she makes comments like this CONstantly), so why should putting it in wedding context make it any better?
The dress fitting situation is complicated - it's being made by a designer in Seattle, so my mom and I are flying out alone for the fitting. I had hoped my MOH could come, but she's working all summer. I don't have any close friends out there (except my ex... haha! that would be great), so there's not really anyone I can have defuse the situation.
She's written 3 more emails today asking me to write back, and I just wrote to say I need a few hours, that I love her, and that I'll call tonight to talk. I'll post again later afterwards... I imagine I'll need some more moral support!
Thanks again... there's so much more on my mind, but this post is already really long!
"In fact my mom telling me to lose tends to revert me back to teenager mode so I will do the exact opposite." -mbm4
After I got the email, I said to Mr.GV (in tears), "It just makes me want to stuff my face." 
Seriously, I would totally stuff my face as well and then feel awful about it. What a vicious cycle!! Crazy that mom's have a special power to be our best friends and make us crazy at the same time.
I'm so glad Mr. GV is there to support you through all this though, sounds like a lot, but you can do it!!!
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My mom did the same thing to me... but in a much harsher way than the email you got. My mom IM'd me and told me I was fat. Mind you, I have been a size 0 for most of my life and am now a size 4-6. I emailed her back saying how rude that was and how that did not motivate me to lose weight at all. She replied by saying I didn't understand the pressures of our culture. After that, I didn't talk to her for a few weeks.
I know mom's mean well, but it doesn't make it okay. We all already have enough stresses in our life, we don't need to add an eating disorder to it. I'm sorry that you got that email, but perhaps you should have a heart to heart with her. I'm sure she is feeling badly about it now.
I've dealt with my mom's constant nagging regarding my weight too! The only thing is, I weight less than 100pounds (so technically, i'm unhealthily thin). She would tell me I'm overweight if I happen to be 101 (but forced feed me whenever she's near)! It was a very confusing period in our lives. It bothered me at first, but I have since understood her intentions. I guess I was fleeding the nest too quickly for her and she didn't know how to handle it. Since talking it over, we're both better off.
From your mom's email, it doesn't sound to me like she is intending to hurt your feelings. It may not seems that way to you though since you are conscious of your weight. I hope you feel better soon. No matter what, you're going to be beautiful on your wedding day because you'll radiate with love.
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I think mom's in general are horrible at this subject. My FMIL said something like this to me (even more rudely) and only now feels bad about it (my FI told her it was completely inappropriate). My mother was only slightly better. I don't know about your mom, but I also figured that both my mom and FMIL never had a "real" wedding...so they had no pressure! Somehow now that they see it happening to their little girl they visualize an unrealistic (and unhealthy) celebrity body image in a bridal gown (the wedding magazines don't help either!). Just my two cents! In the end, DO WHAT YOU WANT and ignore the haters! ;) It's YOUR day, not theirs. xo
Update:
I talked to my mom. It went about how I expected it would. The details are incidental, but suffice it to say that I tried, at least in the beginning of the conversation, to speak very neutrally and diplomatically. But every time I said something that even bordered on accusation (like, "I feel like you..."), she got really defensive and said all she cares about is my health, etc. Then why did she frame it in the context of looking good for my wedding? Why did she bring this up *again* when we had a very calm conversation about it two weeks ago when I was home?
Sigh. It ended, as usual, with me losing my cool and yelling/bursting into tears. She kept invoking other mothers as examples and I said something horribly, horribly hurtful: "Well, we're not as good friends as some other mothers and daughters." She didn't know what to say to that... neither would I if my daughter said something so b*tchy. I apologized, but it was too late. Then it started to escalate again, until I couldn't handle it and said, "I need this conversation to be over."
No matter how much I want our relationship to progress beyond my 16-year-old-GV emotions, I fall into old patterns when I talk to her. It feels like it's impossible to change. I know she loves me so much and wants what's best for me, but I just don't understand why she brings it up when I react the same way every time... even if my reaction is immature and unproductive. It's not how I want to react, but she just keeps needling me and saying things that are so inflammatory (having very little to do with this, like my spending habits or my wedding planning ideas) that I can't help it.
Thanks again for all your thoughts. It's sad that so many of us have to deal with this, but it's really nice to know we're not alone.
Oh, GV I'm so sorry. It sucks when relationships with parents are like that. All I can say is that you can't change your mom, but you can work on not letting her get to you. I know it's hard, and believe me I take a lot of stuff personally that's really about the other person and has nothing to do with me. But I think you can get to a place where you love your mom for who she is, and don't expect her to be something else. The fact is your mom will probably never be a person who says, "I'm sorry honey, I didn't know those comments hurt you so much. I'll stop saying them." But you can love her without expecting her to be that person--and your mom loves you too. I know you know that, but I always appreciate hearing stuff like that
.
I hope things work out.
oh, hon I so understand! My mom and grandma all the time are after me to loose my extra baggage. But keep in mind that the most important thing on your wedding day is for you to be happy! If you aren't happy with your weight, then decide to fix it and change your life so you do. But if you are happy with all the struggles you've overcome already this year, don't let your mom's comments hurt you more. Tell her that you want to go through with the dress fitting as a mother daughter bonding event, where you fit the dress to the person you are now at the time of your wedding; not the person you were or may be. Tell her that she has always been one of the people who sees you most clearly and you want her eyes for this amazing occasion where everyone you love gets to see you the way she and your future husband do: through the eyes of love. Then if she comes back with a nasty response or tries to coax you into loosing more weight, tell her how you see her through the eyes of love and if you just look at her critically. Then gently ask her how she wants you to look at her and ask for the same treatment from her.
Sometimes it helps to put the shoe on the other foot.
Oh, GV! That's so sad. My honest suggestion would be to just call her back some time today. Say something like, "Look, I know I got really upset, but I don't feel like you realize what a struggle this has been for me, and it makes me feel like we're not as close." You don't seem happy with what happened, which is why I'd recommend going ahead and trying to bridge that gap, regardless of what she's saying. Sometimes people are just really horrible at communicating what they actually are feeling and thinking and just couch it in all the wrong terms.
Anyway, after (and if) you make a brief call to try to mend fences with a cooler head, I'd take a break from her for a few days. Hopefully she'll talk to some of her friends about what's going on and they'll give her a much-needed reality check.
(FTR, I had lost about 10 pounds about Christmas and I've gained most of it back since moving in with FI and resuming a normal eating pattern. I'm seeing my mom in about 2 weeks and i just flat-out told her that I'm not as skinny as I was but I'm healthy and happy, so she'll just need to deal.)
Wow, hang in there! Don't let her nagging make you overeat or feel self-concsious or anything! My mom is pretty bad about injecting an opinion when it's not asked for. She tell my SIL #1 that she's "way too thin" and that she needs to eat more. Then she turns around and tells my SIL#2 that she needs to lose weight. She doesn't tell me anything because I've made it very clear that I will ask for an opinion when I want it. I think people hiding behind the "I just want you to be healthy" bit is condecending. They want you to look better, they're not saying that line to skinny people who feast on McDonald's all day. I would go with having a face to face (or phone if you're too far) and tell her that you are happy the way you are. If you're not happy, then tell her you'd like to help her in her weight loss, and you're just looking to [change such and such habit] or [lose one size] or [eat more healthy food]. Your goals don't have to match hers for you to support each other.
Not the best thing to wake up to, but def not the worst. I don't think your mom is trying to be all "your fat and need to lose weight NOW if you plan on looking good in that wedding dress" I think it was more "I really need an excuse to lose weight, and since your getting married in 4 MONTHS, we better work on something now so we can both look great for your big day." I don't know your Mom, but she might be one of those people who need a reason to do anything. If that's the case, then your wedding is the perfect excuse for you both to exercise together, hopefully bond and grow closer as you try to lose weight together. Give your mom a chance, talk to her calmly about her hurting your feelings, and ask why she decided now was a good time, as opposed to 4 years ago. This could be a perfect chance for you and your mom to get closer,push each other to the next level, AND feel better about yourself and your health. I don't know your weight situation, but most people regardless of weight could use some healthy fine tuning to their lifestyles, myself included. Look at this as a positive experience, you may surprise yourself and make a friend out of your Mom.
Miss GV -- not to worry. I think a lot of brides (women for that matter) have this conversation with their mothers at one time or another. It's just inconvenient that it's while you're probably already stressed ENOUGH about the home stretch planning of the wedding.
I think any bride wants to do whatever they can to be as pretty and self assured on the big day and I doubt you are any exception. Try to communicate that to your mother. I'd also express that you really apreciate that she's concerned for your health. It's nice to have someone looking out for you
K, here's where I'm going to be really honest. My mum, who am I shaped like, identically, said the same things to me after I bought my dress. At first I was really hurt and I complained to her that she was hurting my feelings. The hurt wasn't what she said (although it was unpleasant). The hurt feelings were my own insecurities about whether or not I could get in shape for the wedding and whether or not, regardless of my fiteness regimine, I would be comfortable that day. I'm not saying this is what you're feeling, but I really had to step back and assess my feelings and what I wanted for myself. It turned out that my mom's comments were a great kick in the rear. I'm not starving myself and I have no intentions to be a size 2 for the wedding, but I'm definetly making more healthy and concious choices only for myself!
Sorry that was rambling -- let us know how it works out! Keep your head up :)
You WILL be the most beautiful glowing wonderful happy person at the whole wedding. Losing a few pounds will NOT change that. You are gorgeous the way you are.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and after recovering from an accident, too!
I have struggled with the same thing. I've been overweight all my life, and my mom (who loves me and is mostly a good friend to me) has always made hurtful comments: "Gosh, I can't believe I'm eating so much! I'm like you!" or "You'd be pretty if you lost weight" or "He wouldn't have dumped you if you were thin (this after being stood up for senior prom)." These comments were always, ALWAYS couched in the "I just want you to be happy" language your mother uses.
Over the years I've realized that her comments towards me reflected more about how she felt about herself than how she felt about me. Finally, she complained that someone made a weight-related comment to her and that it was hurtful. I took the opportunity to confront her about the things she's said over the years, and she hasn't made another stupid comment since. She still complains about her weight or makes comments about the weight of others, but I know this has nothing to do with me.
I don't think your comment was b*tchy at all. I think it probably needed to be said. Hopefully your mom will think about it, maybe she won't, but you tried your best to be honest and real with her.
Whether or not you feel beautiful on your wedding day has nothing to do with weight. If you are happy with yourself and confident, everyone will see that and you will be absolutely gorgeous, no matter your size.
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i just saw this and while i see this was written a while ago - if this girl is still around im throwing my hat in for being a girl who got an email that was almost exactly like this one.
and i did the knee jerk thing and blew up at her.
when will mothers learn that this is not something that is a good topic to talk about. they should know their daughters well enough to know if it will be a "kick in the rear" or an insult and make them run for the cookies.
hang in there girls! im thinking i wont be the last to be hit with the mom bomb.
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I woke up this morning to the following email. The background is that yes, I am overweight, and we have battled over this my entire life. We are pretty close - or at least, we talk on the phone a lot - and she has similar problems. She and I are frighteningly similar people. Since I met Mr.GV, I've become better about standing up to her about it, but I've also gained weight. Last night I responded to an email to the women throwing my shower next month, telling them how excited I am, that the shower makes it all seem real, and holy *&%* I'm really getting married! So, without further ado, my mom's email:
OK, so, yes, Holy *&%^$#%^&**@, you ARE really getting married! In just a hair over 4 months! Good that you are excited!!!
And now would be an excellent time to think seriously about the fact that you will be the absolute center of attention, and you want to look as gorgeous as you possibly can—which, as we know, is plenty gorgeous! This was brought home to me last night at Ben's wedding---All the details and visuals of the place, food, decor, etc. are important and fun, but the bride (and groom) are most definitely the center of attention----- So a serious fitness program/diet to begin now (unless, of course, you have already begun) would be a lovely addition to the festivities. And my email about why this is so important HEALTH-wise (not just appearance-wise) will follow at some later date (like you don’t already know...)
Meanwhile, I plan to begin today, with an ambitious goal for myself---happy to have company in my effort......