Post # 1
I’m having some real trouble being heard during wedding planning.
Basically, I have an older sister who’s been engaged for a few years. She is… well, kinda mad that I’m getting married before her. When we were trying to set a date she refused to talk about it with me and a couple of weeks ago snapped and told me she feels like everyone is so focussed on my wedding that they don’t care about hers. After that I felt really bad – she can’t book her wedding because she’s having cosmetic surgery first which might have a long recovery time.
Anyway, there was a whole ton of drama about dates – to the point where FI refuses to talk weddings around my family and won’t go to look at things unless it’s just us. It made him really mad how aggressive they were. But finally – Finally! – we set a date. I was so happy, we’d had to fight tooth and nail to get what we really wanted but it has paid off and now we have our ideal wedding.
But now starts the planning, and well, it’s driving me mad. At every corner I’m being warned not to have anything even remotely similar to my sister’s dream plans. She and I are quite different people anyway, but basically I’ve been told I cannot have a dress even remotely similar to hers, nor can I have my hair down because that’s how she wants it. We’re not allowed cupcakes because she likes them and have even been asked not to serve chips as a side on our evening meal because she’s always wanted chips. I’ve been banned from certain themes and colour schemes, too.
I’m not allowed any music by the same musicians as the ones she likes. I’m not allowed certain favours. Nobody’s mentioned my wedding dress at all since we set a date – but there’s been daily conversations about her BM dress. I’m not the type to like being the centre of attention, but sometimes I want to stamp my foot and say ‘hey! don’t my opinions matter?”
And the title of this thread was actually something my Mum said to me yesterday. When I asked why she said that the whole family has been looking forward to my sister’s wedding for five years and it’s this massive deal to everyone, whereas I’ve only been engaged for a year and it’s just not that big a deal. It hurts. I don’t expect to be the centre of attention, but it seems like everyone is trying to rush and control our wedding because hers is more important.
And don’t worry, I’m not going to go crazy and start any arguments with anyone. I just feel a little hurt and needed somewhere to rant. I can’t moan at FI because he gets so mad at how dramatic they are that he won’t talk to me about it. Is this really selfish of me? Should I be more considerate of my sister and the fact she’s been waiting so much longer than me? Is her wedding really more of a big deal because of how long it’s been? Need hugs and advice, bees. If I’m being a drama queen, seriously, tell me. I need to hear it.
Post # 2
Your sister is being a drama queen, as are the people who coddle her. Putting entire colors, “down” hairstyles and chips off-limits to you is a little bit insane. It sounds like your sister is getting all the attention because she demands all the attention, and that’s not an attractive trait on a grown woman.
My advice: pay for your wedding yourself, along with your fi (I am assuming others are contributing heavily, due to the amount of input they think they can have). Keep your plans secret. Do not ask anyone for any details of your sister’s wedding and if anyone brings it up, tell them that you don’t want to know more because you’re looking forward to a surprise. Then enjoy your wedding and if anyone gets bent out of shape because you dared to serve your sister’s sacred chips, tell them to get a grip. It’s one thing to ask to not have too many similarities and a complete other thing to put entire food groups off-limits. What’s next? if your sister wants a DJ then you get no choice other than a live band? Stupid.
Post # 3
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I personally would stop telling them the details of your wedding, and do what YOU want. Don’t worry about what your sister has planned, just have the wedding of your dreams. If you want cupcakes, have cupcakes. Your sister has had 5 years to have a wedding, it’s not fair for you to have to compromise on yours. Do what you want, and leave your family out of the decision making.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
In my opinion, her wedding would be a lot less of a deal. They are being horribly inconsiderate, especially since you’re hopefully both only going to have one wedding. Haven’t they all gotten bored of talking about a wedding that is “going to happen someday” for the last five years?
Post # 5
That is something very hurtful to hear from someone who is supposed to be one of your biggest supporters. I’m sorry your family hasn’t been happy or excited for you.
It’s really wrong for them and your sister to tell you what you can and can’t have. As if you would have chosen the same things anyway. You are a grown woman and you two have your own different tastes. Sometimes things overlap. I mean, how many color combinations and wedding themes are there? People are bound to have commonalities.
I wouldn’t even discuss anything wedding related with them anymore. Just lean on your husband for support, and vent to the Bee when you need it.
Post # 6
Are you paying for your wedding? If so, get what you want. If not, I would seriously consider paying for it yourself and doing what you want!
Post # 7
Your family is being a bunch of drama queens. Don’t let them give thier opinions. Its your wedding not thiers. Your wedding is no less important that your sisters and you deserve to have what you want. I would stop discussing the wedding with them. This is supposed to be a happy time for you. You deserve your dream wedding.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May
Nothing should be off limits to you unless it’s out of your reach financially. So consider not sharing every detail with your family and letting it be a surprise. Just plan things as you want them. At the end of the day will you regret not having certain colors or will you regret letting everyone dictate your wedding?
Post # 9
Just do what you want. Seriously, what is the worst that can happen?
Post # 10
Mrs.Sawyertobe: We are receiving a contribution from my parents, but I have to say that after the initial drama my parents have been very accepting of our choices and have let us make the decisions. That’s no longer an issue.
The problem is they’re scared of hurting my sister’s feelings. She can be quite sensitive and holds a grudge, so nobody wants to get on her bad side.
Post # 11
I’ll get my snarky response out of the way first – next time your sister tells you not to have something, tell her that you would graciously accept her offer to pay for the exact opposite thing for your wedding.
Your FI is on the right track with not involving your family with the details. 1) Your sister has an opinion on all of the details and wants to get in the way, which will never end well, and 2) Removing wedding discussion will also reduce the opportunities for her to act like the center of attention. It really sucks that they aren’t as supportive of your wedding as they are with your sister. What they said was incredibly hurtful. Your FI is super supportive, and your friends probably are too. Find some new outlets for wedding discussion – friends, FI’s family, here. If you absolutely have to talk about a wedding decision with your family, don’t open the topic until you have already decided and signed the papers.
Post # 12
ZebraPrintMe: If you know what dress she wants. I can see picking something different, but there is only so much to choose from. As far as food goes, no one will even remember. I am sorry she’s being so sensitive. I would just be as kind as you can be but not let her interfere unduly….
Post # 13
Grrrr! I am annoyed on your behalf! How dare your mum say that! Your sister needs to either get over herself or get married And your parents need to start treating you both the same. Length of engagement shouldn’t dictate how exciting ypur daughter’s wedding is. I just don’t even know what to say!
Post # 14
Mrs.Sawyertobe: Don’t worry, me and my sister are total opposites so our taste in dresses is completely different! I’m wider and shorter than her so I wouldn’t look right in that style anyway. 🙂
Post # 15
The hairstyle, cupcakes, and food things are totally BS. All of it is really. Is she the only bride ever in history to come up with these ideas, NOPE!